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Bleeding Jokes

72 bleeding jokes and hilarious bleeding puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bleeding that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the darkly humorous look at the phrase "bleeding Kansas" with this collection of jokes. Learn why paramedics don't like being asked to stop a nosebleed and the agony of a bleeding joke gone bad. Enjoy the unique humor of bleeding as you laugh and groan at these jokes.

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Popular Bleeding Short Jokes

Short bleeding jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bleeding humour may include short nosebleed jokes also.

  1. My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
  2. Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles. 1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
    2. Bleed without being hurt.
    3. Producing milk without eating grass.
    4. Making boneless meat hard.
  3. A man cuts a hunk of meat from his torso and cooks it in a pan. As he bleeds out, he realises: "I've made a big me-steak"
  4. I have bathed in the blood of virgins... Well, I had a nose bleed in the bath this morning.
  5. If you don't know how to administer first aid for deadly bleeding, don't worry! All bleeding stops eventually
  6. What's the difference between a selfish gay lover and Ebola? They both make you bleed out of the hole, but at least Ebola will finish you off.
    (Cr
  7. Women Are Magic The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!
  8. Got my second shot today Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.
  9. Girls are magic... Girls are magic... They get wet without water, can bleed without injuries and get boneless things hard!
  10. Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today? We would get paid every day, and all women would bleed to death.

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Bleeding One Liners

Which bleeding one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bleeding? I can suggest the ones about nose bleed and bloody.

  1. What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month.
  2. What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often? Half a horse.
  3. What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
  4. what's got 2 legs and bleeds? half a dog.
  5. What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat.
  6. How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out? Attorney kit.
  7. What's got 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half of a cat
  8. What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out? A rebel without a gauze
  9. Friend just randomly licked my bleeding cut Then they said "no hemo"
  10. How do you make an orphans hands bleed Tell them to clap until their parents come home
  11. How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
    With Attorney-kit.
  12. I felt like my nose was bleeding. But after checking, it'snot.
  13. What happens when you get a really deep paper cut ? You're literary bleeding !
  14. What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot? What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?
    Half a dog.
  15. As a man, I bleed once a month too. When I floss.

Bleeding Nose Jokes

Here is a list of funny bleeding nose jokes and even better bleeding nose puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm not addicted to video games I just have to play 8 hours a day to stop the shaking and another 4 to stop the nose bleed
  • I feel like my nose is bleeding. It's snot though.
  • I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen. Now my nose bleeds once a month.
  • I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not
  • Ice on your neck can stop nose bleeds But then again, you could get shot, arrested, or die from an overdose.
  • A blonde walked into a store.. She got a nose bleed.
  • What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding? Nothing, he already said it twice.
  • I asked my friend if his nose was bleeding or not. He told me "it's snot"

Stop Bleeding Jokes

Here is a list of funny stop bleeding jokes and even better stop bleeding puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Nurse to bleeding patient - Don't worry ...... All bleedings stop.....
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ......eventually
  • What is the connection between bandages and stopping bleeding. It's just gauze and effect.
  • What is a hemophiliac's least favorite song? Don't stop ble-eding
    (The pause is necessary)
  • What do you do if you see a bleeding black guy in your backyard? Stop laughing and reload.
Bleeding joke, What do you do if you see a bleeding black guy in your backyard?

Bleeding joke, What do you do if you see a bleeding black guy in your backyard?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about bleeding can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of bleeding puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Uproarious Bleeding Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about bleeding you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean transfusion jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make bleeding prank.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

Exception to the rule

The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

Two sociologists came upon a man lying distraught in the gutter after being beaten and robbed ...

As they looked down upon the battered and bleeding body one of them remarked- we must find the people responsible for this terrible attack, they're obviously in desperate need of our help .

So I was having really rough s**... with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...

And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

I've always said that life is a lot like doing laundry

There's a lot less bleeding if you separate the colors from the w**....

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

A man walks into a police station

with his head profusely bleeding.
Officer: What Happened
Man: My Wife hit me in the head
Officer: Why..??
Man: Her parents came over unexpectedly, so she asked me to go and get them something.
Officer: And..??
Man: I got them a taxi

TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

So, there was this rich dude...

One day, as he is driving his fancy car down the road, he is singing to himself I love my BMW, I love BMW. He was so wrapped up in his song he missed a turn and hit a tree. Surprisingly he survived, but instead of calling for help he was crying out my BMW, oh my BMW. Just then a good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!" The rich dude, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

Mozart runs into a bar...

He's scratched and bleeding and can barely stand.
The bartender asks, What's wrong?!? What happened?!?
Mozart gasps as he collapses to the floor, I was just attacked by a wolf gang and now imma dazed!
(Just an awful joke I came up with to brother my bother. )

Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

h**... wore brown pants

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.
"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."
"Okay", the operator says. "Please try to stay calm. First, we need to make sure he is dead".
"Okay", the man says.
The operator listens to an extended silence, followed by a gunshot.
"Okay", the man says. "Now what?"

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

Blood donor

I was chatting with a donor before I drew his blood, and he was a dentist. When I drew his blood, there was a little squirt of blood and it surprised him. I looked him deeply in the eyes and told him, you're bleeding because you don't floss

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk r**..., "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"
911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"
Drunk r**..., "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."
911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "
Drunk r**..., "Si.....Sy...ah! screw it! I'll drag him on down to Maple you can pick him up there!"

"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, s**...! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"
"That ain't my dog."

Get me my Red Shirt"!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, Why do you need a red shirt?
The Captain replies, So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged. They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, Get me my brown pants!

The blood of virgins

A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my a**....

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

My girlfriend forgot my birthday.

"I lost track of days," she explained. "I blame my period."
"Oh c'mon," I scoffed, "how can you blame your period?"
And she responded, "Because during that time of the month, one day bleeds into the next."

Bleeding joke, How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?

jokes about bleeding

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these bleeding jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.