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Bleed Jokes

53 bleed jokes and hilarious bleed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bleed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article offers a collection of jokes about nose bleeds and how different people may go about trying to cure them. Get your morale up by reading a few of these humorous bengay-filled tales.

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Funniest Bleed Short Jokes

Short bleed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bleed humour may include short clot jokes also.

  1. My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
  2. Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles. 1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
    2. Bleed without being hurt.
    3. Producing milk without eating grass.
    4. Making boneless meat hard.
  3. A man cuts a hunk of meat from his torso and cooks it in a pan. As he bleeds out, he realises: "I've made a big me-steak"
  4. I have bathed in the blood of virgins... Well, I had a nose bleed in the bath this morning.
  5. If you don't know how to administer first aid for deadly bleeding, don't worry! All bleeding stops eventually
  6. What's the difference between a selfish gay lover and Ebola? They both make you bleed out of the hole, but at least Ebola will finish you off.
    (Cr
  7. Women Are Magic The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!
  8. Got my second shot today Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.
  9. Girls are magic... Girls are magic... They get wet without water, can bleed without injuries and get boneless things hard!
  10. Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today? We would get paid every day, and all women would bleed to death.

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Bleed One Liners

Which bleed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bleed? I can suggest the ones about bloody and drain.

  1. What bleeds once a month in the mouth? Me, when I remember to floss once a month.
  2. What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often? Half a horse.
  3. What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a dog
  4. what's got 2 legs and bleeds? half a dog.
  5. What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat.
  6. How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out? Attorney kit.
  7. What's got 2 legs and bleeds a lot? Half of a cat
  8. What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out? A rebel without a gauze
  9. Friend just randomly licked my bleeding cut Then they said "no hemo"
  10. How do you make an orphans hands bleed Tell them to clap until their parents come home
  11. How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
    With Attorney-kit.
  12. I felt like my nose was bleeding. But after checking, it'snot.
  13. What happens when you get a really deep paper cut ? You're literary bleeding !
  14. What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot? What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?
    Half a dog.
  15. As a man, I bleed once a month too. When I floss.

Nose Bleed Jokes

Here is a list of funny nose bleed jokes and even better nose bleed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm not addicted to video games I just have to play 8 hours a day to stop the shaking and another 4 to stop the nose bleed
  • I feel like my nose is bleeding. It's snot though.
  • I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen. Now my nose bleeds once a month.
  • I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not
  • Ice on your neck can stop nose bleeds But then again, you could get shot, arrested, or die from an overdose.
  • A blonde walked into a store.. She got a nose bleed.
  • What does the husband say to his wife whose nose is bleeding? Nothing, he already said it twice.
  • I asked my friend if his nose was bleeding or not. He told me "it's snot"
Bleed joke, I asked my friend if his nose was bleeding or not.

Amusing Bleed Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends

What funny jokes about bleed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wound jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bleed pranks.

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...

Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!

The blood of virgins

A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.

Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

h**... wore brown pants

Get me my Red Shirt"!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, Why do you need a red shirt?
The Captain replies, So that when I bleed, you guys don't notice and aren's discouraged. They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, Get me my brown pants!

I had s**... with my girlfriend last night. It was her first time so she bled.

I told her not to worry, in a few years she'll bleed every month.

Why do women bleed every month?

Because they need to be reminded they're only human.

What did Batman say to his girlfriend...

Tell Me Do You Bleed?

Saw an Alabama fan the other day

He was wearing a t-shirt that said "I Bleed Crimson" I walked up to him and said "You big d**..., we all do"

What's the easiest way to make a homeless person bleed?

Brush their teeth!

My girlfriend started bleeding during s**..., and I told her to s**... it up.

In a few years, she'll bleed every month.

Why do women make better soldiers?

Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

Batman should teach girls about periods in school...

"Tell me, do you bleed?... You will."

Women shouldn't be in combat roles because

they'll just bleed

I thought it was a good idea to start going to a doctor that was described as "humorous" in his online reviews...

....but it seems like his treatment for everything is to bleed me with leeches.

What bleeds for 6 days and doesn't die?

A e**....

How do you make an orphans hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until daddy gets home

What would happen if the world spin 30 times faster?

Men would get their paychecks everyday and the women would bleed to death....

A king fighting along side his army...

'How many of them are there?' asked the king from his captains
'About twenty thousand of them, my lord' said the captain.
'Fine, hand my my red cape then'.
The captain confused asked 'Why the red cape my lord?'
'So If I get wounded in battle the men will not see me bleed and thus they wont lose hope'.
'Good idea, sire'
The battle was long but in the end the king came out victorious.
Suddenly enemy reiforcements are seen in the distance.
The king asked again, how many enemy soldiers were advancing to their position.
'Over tenthousand strong, my lord' said the captain.
'Ah.. Well hand me then my brown pants' said the king

Bleed joke, A king fighting along side his army...