Blanket Jokes

Following is our collection of Blanket funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Blanket jokes

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

"Sheet."

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters.

I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts

But I don't like to make blanket statements.

UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

Two babys at the birth ward...

...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"

One day, the wife welcomes her lover...

...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says:

'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!'

So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea:

'Honey! I just invented a new position! You'll go on all fours, I'll jump up on the chandelier, swing in, and I'll penetrate with a deep thrust from behind!'

To which they hear the parrot's voice:

'You can cut out my tongue for all I care, but I wanna see **that**!'

Coma

A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"

The man said, "I have think she may have choked"

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."

She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

A woman was in a coma,


and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

The wife and her husband...

The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
Β«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TVΒ», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
Β«Watch themΒ», the man replied dryly, Β«you already know how to cookΒ».

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

Where your clothes at, Slim?

Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, 'I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.'

So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.' So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, 'You like what you see?' Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, 'Yes, ma'am, I do!'

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, 'Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!'

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly cover her with a blanket and make their way to a hospital.
After a week, Ethel is still crying and carrying on. Wilma says "Ethel, you've just *got* to pull yourself together! It's not healthy!"
"What can I say" sobbed Ethel. "He never calls, he never writes!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving through the desert...

When their car breaks down. Stranded in the middle of nowhere, they have no choice but to walk the road to safety. They each agree to carry something. The brunette brings a jug of water in case they get thirsty.
The redhead brings a blanket in case they need to camp for the night. The blonde brings the car door. The others ask why.

She says, "If we get hot, we can just roll the window down!"

What is Hitler's favorite blanket?

Mein Kampfurter.

Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket

So last night she slept on the balcony

A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.

"Get your own blanket."

Good and bad news.

So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.

The husband says, "So how is he?"

The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"

"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"

So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.

The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"

The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,

a tartan blanket

and the original Subaru owners manual.

Why bachelors are skinner than married men

A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed.

A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge.

I have the best blanket in the world

It's the sheet.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escape to the roof a burning building..

The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the side walk and dies. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead."Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead."No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!""OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!""No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde."No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket more." The blonde replies "I cant trust you, so I will make this nice and easy.. just put the blanket on the ground and slowly walk away...."

Kermit the Frog's favorite sex position?

Pig in a Blanket.

What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket?

A down comforter.

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

If there's one thing EVERYONE loves to do --

it's to make blanket generalizations about large groups of people.

3 guys get stranded in the desert after the car runs out of gas...

With no one and nothing in sight, the three men decided to each get one thing to carry and start walking to the next town over.

The first guy gets a jug of water and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get thirsty he says"

The second guy opens the trunk and gets out a blanket and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get cold at night"

The third guy unhinges the car door and the other 2 guys ask what it is for... "Incase we get hot, we can just roll down the window"

-This is an old joke I remember from elemetary, had to fill in a few.

Why did the blanket lie and confess to the murder?

It was the perfect cover.

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

That one time i hired a hooker...

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...

... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

I hate all sleep accessories

But I don't know if it's a good idea to make such a blanket statement.

What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed?

"Holy Sheet!"

Most people prefer quilts over duvets

but you shouldn't make blanket statements.

You know what they say about blanket statements?

They're all false.

What do you call a blessed blanket?

Holy sheet!

What did the soldier say to his blanket?

"Cover me!"


Forgive me pls

Joke about a blanket

Friend: My brother got me this scarf from Afganistan

Me: He should have got you an Afghan instead.

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

I shouldn't make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets...

The government is now calling for a blanket ban.

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

I don't want to make a blanket statement...

But my sheets are dirty.

Son hates school...

A mother walks in Monday morning and shakes her son to wake up for school.

The son turns over pulling the blanket and groans "I don't want to go to school!"

The mother insists, "Why don't you want to go to school?"

"Everyone hates me! I don't want to go to school!" he cries.

"Well, that's unfortunate. You need to go to school.", the mother states again

"Give me one good reason why I need to go to school!", the son requests.

"...You gotta go to school cuz you're the principal!"

Which came first?

Late one night, a chicken was laying in bed with an egg.

The chicken was laying back, smoking a cigarette, and feeling quite pleased with himself.

The egg was clearly upset and huffed as she rolled onto her side. As she was pulling the blanket over herself, she said in a very annoyed tone of voice...

"Well I guess we finally answered *that* question now didn't we?"

Did you hear about the auntie who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster?

She kept popping out of bed

Why are pigs in a blanket gross?

Because they're in-bread.

I'm a police officer, and like a midget hosting poker night in a blanket fort...

I'm going undercover as a small arms dealer.

Yo mamΓ‘ so fat...

...when she ordered a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

A blanket walks into a bar...

the bouncer stops him at the door and says "sir, you have to pay a cover charge to get in."

What do you call undercover cops?

Pigs in a blanket.

I'd like to say that ALL quilts are great...

...but I try to avoid making blanket statements.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes