blanket Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious blanket puns

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly open the door to her bedroom

From under the blanket she sees 4 legs instead of 2. She gets pissed, and grabs a baseball bat, and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she is done, she goes to to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"hi darling" he says,

"your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hi to them?"

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What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

"Sheet."

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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

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A man and a woman find themselves sharing a sleeping car on a train.

In the middle of the night, the woman wakes the man up and says "Hey! Will you go get me another blanket? I'm freezing!"

The man smiles and says, "I have a better idea. Why don't you and I, just for tonight, pretend we're married?"

The woman thinks about it, and with a devlish grin, she agrees.

The man then says, "Get your own damn blanket! I'm trying to sleep"

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There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

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I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters.

I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.

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What kind of moron invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

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I want to say comforters are superior to quilts

But I don't like to make blanket statements.

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UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

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Never judge too Quickly

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

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Still the best blonde joke to date..

A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

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How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

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Two babys at the birth ward...

...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"

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Lonely man

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, one from England, one from Wales, and one from Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ye ever been fucked laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, 'no'.

She said, 'Ye will be when the tide comes in.'

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One day, the wife welcomes her lover...

...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says:

'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!'

So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea:

'Honey! I just invented a new position! You'll go on all fours, I'll jump up on the chandelier, swing in, and I'll penetrate with a deep thrust from behind!'

To which they hear the parrot's voice:

'You can cut out my tongue for all I care, but I wanna see **that**!'

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Coma

A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"

The man said, "I have think she may have choked"

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A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."

She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

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A woman was in a coma,


and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

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When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

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The wife and her husband...

The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don't need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop.
Β«I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TVΒ», the wife jokingly said to her husband.
Β«Watch themΒ», the man replied dryly, Β«you already know how to cookΒ».

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Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly cover her with a blanket and make their way to a hospital.
After a week, Ethel is still crying and carrying on. Wilma says "Ethel, you've just *got* to pull yourself together! It's not healthy!"
"What can I say" sobbed Ethel. "He never calls, he never writes!"

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A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

Where your clothes at, Slim?

Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, 'I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.'

So I followed her. She says, 'Take off all your clothes.' So I do. Then she takes off her clothes, and says, 'You like what you see?' Fellers, she had the most bodacious body I ever did see! I said, 'Yes, ma'am, I do!'

Then she lays down on a blanket, all friendly-like, and says, 'Well, then, go to town, Cowboy!'

So I pulled on my boots and here I am.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are driving through the desert...

When their car breaks down. Stranded in the middle of nowhere, they have no choice but to walk the road to safety. They each agree to carry something. The brunette brings a jug of water in case they get thirsty.
The redhead brings a blanket in case they need to camp for the night. The blonde brings the car door. The others ask why.

She says, "If we get hot, we can just roll the window down!"

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What is Hitler's favorite blanket?

Mein Kampfurter.

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Misunderstanding Between Husband And Wife ...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?

Oh Sheeet!

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My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket

So last night she slept on the balcony

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A man and a woman find themselves alone in a sleeper carriage

The man gallantly takes the upper bunk as they settle down for the train journey.

After a while the man feels a bit cold and asks the woman if she can pass up an extra blanket.

The woman thinks for a while and says in her sexiest voice 'why don't we pretend we are husband and wife for the night?'

After some reflection the man replies 'ok, yes, let's do that. Let's pretend we're husband and wife'.

The women immediately snaps back 'in that case, get your own fucking blanket you lazy bastard'.

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A man & a pretty woman in a train compartment

A man & a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.

The man on the top bunk & the lady on the bottom bunk.

During the night, man woke & asked "Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I'm freezing!"

"I've a better idea" she replied, "Why don't we pretend we are married?"

"Wow what a great idea!" he said.

"Good" she said,

"Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!"

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A man and a woman are sleeping in the same carriage...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies.

"Get your own blanket."

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Why would you take Viagra to help a sunburn?

It will keep the blanket off your legs.

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Good and bad news.

So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.

The husband says, "So how is he?"

The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"

"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"

So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.

The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"

The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"

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What did the blanket scream as it fell off a bed?

Oh Sheet

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What are the most funny Blanket jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Blanket? Well, here are the best Blanket dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Blanket pick up lines to share with friends.

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