black Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious black stories

What are the best Black puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Black? Well here is a complete list of Black dad jokes:

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"

"Mister President, we've been over this..."

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If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools, because we have class.

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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

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A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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What caused The Black Death?

The police.

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If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

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I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys

It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

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Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.

Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".

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Everyone keeps downvoting my racist jokes.

It's like a load of black people have suddenly gotten laptops or something.

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Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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How many blacks does it take to start a riot?

-1

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A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

**

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just shoot the room for being black

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

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Little Jimmy in the car.

Little Jimmy is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.
A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.
All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.
"What was that mummy" says Jimmy,
"Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased,
"Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of the cock on him!"

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Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first.

A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"

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A Penis prank at school

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class .

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, and each day the word was larger than the day before.

Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets ! "

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My black friend asked me if there's a colored printer in the library.

I said "Shit man, it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want!"

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In Soviet Russia

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.

The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.

The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

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I like dating black girls

Because I don't have to meet their dads

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Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"?

Because then it would be called "Solved."

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A little black kid covered himself with baby powder.

A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'OK then, 2 minutes.'

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What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

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How is Rihanna's boyfriend and power tools the same?

They're both Black and Decker.

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Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was black.

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I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

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A reporter is interviewing Stevie Wonder


They talk about all the amazing music he has created over the years and the incredible things he has done with his life and as a last question the reporter asks:

"But don't you wish you hadn't been born blind?"

and Stevie replies "Hey, it could've been much worse - I could have been born black"

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Why is Darth Vader so famous?

He was the first black man to admit he is the father.

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I hate how politically correct the world is today

Instead of saying "Black paint" I now have to say "Jamal please paint"

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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They aren't falling for that one again.

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My black friend told me to stop making racist jokes...

...I told him to lighten up.

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I was sitting in the library...

I was sitting in the library when a black guy came up to me, asking "Where are the colored printers?" I said "Dude... it's 2014, you can use whichever printer you want"

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So I had this really great racist joke.

But some black guy stole it.

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Why don't you ever see black people on cruises?

They'll never be tricked into that one again...

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A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6'. The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The black man replies, "Give it a badge and a radar gun".

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

7 is black.

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire."
Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says "I'll be damned."

The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says "Say boy, where you goin' with that roll of duct tape?"
The boy says "I'm going to get some ducks."
The man says "You can't catch no ducks with no duct tape."
Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape."
The old man is astonished.

The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows.
The old man sees him and says "You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat."

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A young boy asks his dad:

A young boy asks his dad:
"Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"

Dad replies:
"It's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."

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A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?

He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

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A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

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I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

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I shot a black teenager the other day

I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best black jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about black. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty black gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these black jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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