Black Dress Jokes
76 black dress jokes and hilarious black dress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about black dress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Black Dress Short Jokes
Short black dress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The black dress humour may include short red dress jokes also.
- My favourite way to dress is all in black. My sense of fashion is second to nun.
I'll show myself out. - I'm gonna dress up as Forest gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene. Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party
- why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied? Because batman swore to protect goth ham
- My teacher told me to tuck my shirt in. I said, "Why?"
"Because it *looks* like you've just had s**...," he said, zipping his trouser. - I woke at 6am to my girlfriend crying in a black dress I asked what was wrong, she replied between sobs, "I guess I'm just a mourning person"
- Depending on who you are determines what colors you see the dress as. Chris Brown sees it as black and blue.
- You're driving in your car and you see a black man dressed in all black. How'd you see him? It's daytime.
- I am going to dress up as a police officer for Halloween At least I'll scare the black guys
- What's the difference between an elephant and an Italian grandmother? Forty pounds and a black dress.
- I use women's deodorant The one they advertised that stops white marks on black dresses. It stops the marks but the dress gets suspicious looks.
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Black Dress One Liners
Which black dress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with black dress? I can suggest the ones about wearing black and short dress.
- I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed
- So I learned something yesterday when I tuned into the Golden Globes Black dresses matter
- What's the dress code at any event involving Tiger Woods? Black Thai
- Anyone can dress as Micheal Jackson It don't matter if you're black or white
- The dress is Black. Not sure though- Helen Keller Title
- What's black and blue and red all over? The dress
- Did you hear Rihanna sent Chris Brown the picture of the dress? She's black and blue.
- People ask me why I like to dress in black I'm just always prepared for your f**...
Black Dress Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about black dress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean long black jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make black dress pranks.
Q: What did the Black Eyed Peas do at Wiz Khalifa's costume party?
A: They dressed up in black and yellow, black and yellow, and said, "I'm a bee, I'm a bee, I'm a I'm a I'm a bee!"
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...
.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"
Blonde genies
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux k**... outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the k**... are walking away, they remove their hoods.
It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
So there was a competition between polices...
(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.
The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.
First went Interpol, with a few agents, smart interrogation techniques, good wits and in 15 minutes they were back with the rabbit.
Next the FBI invaded the jungle with helicopters, infra-red goggles, fast cars, etc., and in 10 minutes they were back with the rabbit.
Last the Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad started the chase only with an old and rusty SUV, to come back with only 5 minutes passed. They showed a poorly dressed, beaten up, bruised black teenager dressed as a rabbit screaming: "I'm a rabbit, I swear I'm a pretty white bunny!"
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
An old woman sits alone in her house...
She hears three loud knocks on her front door, so she goes to see who could be visiting her at such a late hour.
She opens up the door and sees a tall, shadowy, hooded figure. It was dressed in a black cloak from its head to toe. It held a scythe that stood as tall as his entire body.
From inside the hood came a dry scratchy voice that said, "I am death..."
The woman looked up at the figure from behind her small glasses and said, "I am too, sonny! You'll have to speak up!"
A little boy at a wedding...
A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Natalie
A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"No problem, I have money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's appearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"O.K., I have the money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"
"I am from Michigan"
Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"
The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"
A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.
Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two black eyes
A friend of mine was walking out of church service and I noticed he had two black eyes. I asked what happened. "Well, he said, "I was sitting behind Mrs. Brown, you know, the large woman with all those grandkids; the one that always dresses real fancy. Well, I noticed her dress had accidently got tucked in, well, you know... her back side, between her cheeks. So, I pulled it out and she punched me."
"How did you get the second black eye?"
"Well, I figured if that made her so upset, I'd better try and put it back."
The old man's woe
One day I was walking and saw an old man dressed in a black suit sitting on a bench in front of a cemetery crying. In his hands he held a heart shaped locket, and to comfort him, I said "I'm sorry about the loss of your wife..."
"What? Oh no, my wife is fine. In fact, she's perfect! She's a younger woman, but she cooks, she does all the shopping, and she even likes watching sports! We never argue at all, she's an absolute angel, and I love her."
"Oh that's great," I smile. "So why are you crying?"
"I forgot where I live!"
A little girl sees her mother n**......
and she asks her "What is that fur between your legs Mother?"
Her mom answers, "That is my squirrel, daughter"
"I see.. it is covered in fur like a squirrel!"
One day the girl is visiting her grandmother and they are getting dressed to go out. Her grandmother undresses and the girl says "Mom says that is your squirrel between your legs Grandma. Is that right?"
Grandma says "Yes it is."
The girl asks, "Why is your squirrel gray and mom's is black?"
Grandma answers "If your mom's squirrel has gotten fed as many nuts as mine has, it would be gray too."
A guy shows up at work Monday Morning with two black eyes...
"What happened to you?" asked his concerned co-workers.
"Well, I was in church, minding my own business and this beautiful women, in a slightly inappropriately tight dress sat in the pew in front of me. When everyone stood up, her dress got caught in between her cheeks. I figured she didn't want that there, so I reached up and pulled it out. She turned around a landed me with a left hook!"
Oh, no... everyone stood around in shock, "but wait" one co-worker asks, "that explains ONE black eye, but what about the other black eye?"
"Well, after coming back from communion, the same thing happened, her dress got caught between her cheeks."
"Didn't you learn your lesson?" they asked.
"I DID! But the guy standing NEXT to me reached up to pull the dress out from between her cheeks..."
"SO..." They all asked in unison... "Well, I knew she didn't like that, so I jammed her dress back in between her cheeks and that's when she landed a right hook!"
She Knows Why
**boy whispering to mum during wedding**
Boy: "Mummy?"
Mum: "What?
Boy: "Why is the lady dressed in white?"
Mum: "Because this is her happiest day in her life"
Boy: "... So Why is the man dressed in black?"
Missing report
A husband went to the police station to file a missing report
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Officer: -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Officer: -Slim or healthy?
Husband: -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Officer: -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Officer : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Officer : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Officer : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Officer : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started
crying...
What's the similarities between Michael Jackson and the colour changing dress?
They both started out black and blue then became white and golden
Missing wife
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.
Inspector : -What is her height?
Husband : -Average, I guess.
Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.
Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.
Inspector : -Color of eyes?
Husband : -Never noticed.
Inspector : -Color of hair?
Husband : -Changes according to season.
Inspector : -What was she wearing?
Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.
Inspector : -Was she driving?
Husband : -Yes.
Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
Black and Blue
A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the f**... director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.
On the day of the f**..., there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit.
Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man's body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn't particular about the suit.
So I switched the heads.
Hispanic Joke
Three kids are in school...
A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."
Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the c**..., "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"
Does anyone have a b**... hood I can borrow for Halloween?
I'm going dressed as Detroit.
2 Black Eyes
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Husband: I lost my wife says to Inspector
Husband: I lost my wife; she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: what is her height?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or Healthy?
Husband: Not Slim can be healthy.
Inspector: color of eyes?
Husband: Never Notice.
Inspector: color of hair?
Husband: Changes According to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: yes.
Inspector: Color of the car? ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 2.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight- speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door….an then the Husband started crying…
Inspector: Don not worry sir,… we will find your car.
They're watching...
I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.
Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps.
Boy and Mom funny conversation
Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
Boy: Mommy?
Mom: What?
Boy: Why is the girl dressed in white?
Mom: Because this is the happiest day of her life.
Boy: so why is the boy dressed in black?
A man walks into a bar
The bartender looks at him and says "Jim! You have two black eyes!"
"Yup," says Jim.
"What happened?" asked the bartender.
"Well, you see I was at the church picnic. I was in line behind Mrs. Dunmore, and I happened to see that her skirt was wedged up into her buttcrack. Being a gentleman I pulled it out for her. She turned and punched me in the face!" says Jim.
"Ah, unfortunate," says the bartender. "But how'd the other one get blackened?"
"Well," said Jim. "I figured she liked her dress up in her buttcrack, so I tucked it back for her."
In the locker room after the game...
The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and p**... and starts to put them on.
His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."
Jonny comes home with two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asks mom.
"Well," says Jonny, "I was riding on the bus this morning and there was a big fat woman
sitting in front of me. She had her dress caught up in her c**..., so I pulled it out, and she
punched me."
"That accounts for one black eye," says mom, "what about the other one?"
"Well," says Jonny, "I could see she did not like that, so I shoved it back in."
I got invited to a charity ball for victims of domestic violence.
The dress code was black tie
The new fridge is here and we need to get it in but it's heavy - can you get it up?
If you dress it up in s**... black l**..., maybe
A man runs into a crowded bar and yells Run! Bad Bob is coming!
Everyone in the bar dropped their drink, screamed and ran for the doors. Soon there was nothing in the bar but fluttering napkins and a speechless bartender.
Boom! The bartender looked up. BOOM! Right outside the door. c**...! The door splintered. In walked a man, dressed all in black. Guns slung at the ready. Hat tipped low over steely eyes.
Sitting at the end of bar, he orders a whiskey. The bartender shakily serves it to him. The man quickly tosses it back.
Another...? asks the timid bartender.
The man looks up sharply - are you kidding? Bad Bob is coming !
A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:
Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"
Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"
Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"
Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."
3 wives want to decide what to wear
The first one says, "My husband has black hair so I will wear a black dress"
The second one says, "My husband has grey hair so I will wear a grey dress"
The third wife, on hear this starts panicking.
When asked she tell the other two, "My husband is bald"
Soup or s**...?
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A man walks into my bar with 2 black eyes
So I ask what happened? He says "well I was in church and when we all stood to sing the hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in the crack of her a**.... So I decided to reach up and pull it out for her. She turned around and punched me in my right eye." So I asked "what happened to you left eye?" "Well thought, maybe she wanted it there. So l shoved it back in."
A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black
A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black and says:
- Will you dance with me, lady?
- No and for three reasons.
- And what are the reasons?
With a very serious look on her face she says:
- Firstly you're drunk in a f**..., secondly you don't dance during the Nacional anthem and lastly I'm not a lady, I'm the priest.
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.
Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. What in the world happened to you??
The man explained, sheepishly, Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don't you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears and she had a great big w**.... I figured I'd help her out, so I reached up there and pulled it out for her. Well, heh, she didn't like that and turned around and popped me one.
The wife hesitates, OK… That explains one black eye. What's with the other one?
It didn't seem like she was happy so I reached up there and put it back in.
Just ignore it next time
A man goes to his doctor with a black eye. The doctor says, What happened? The man responds, So, I was in church, sayin' my prayers. The priest tells us to stand, and the lady in front of me gets her dress caught in the crack of her b**.... So I pulled it out. The doctor says, Well, that explains the black eye.
The next week, the man goes back to the doctor with two black eyes. The doctor asks what happened. The man replies, Well, I was in church, sayin my prayers. The priest told us to stand, and the lady in front of me gets her dress caught in the crack of her b**.... The man next to me pulled it out. And I said, 'No no no, she doesn't like that.' So I stuck it back in
A guy comes home with two black eyes.
A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her b**... crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.
He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.
He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.
A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes
His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.
The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her b**....
"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want her to walk around like that. So I pulled it out of her crack and she punched me in the face for it!"
"Okay, that explains the first black eye." Responds the roommate. "But what about the second one?"
The man says, "well, I figured she liked it there so I tucked it back in!"
Can't go wrong with soup
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.
A man comes home from church with two black eyes.
His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"
"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"that explains one black eye" said his wife, " so how did you get the other one?"
"I thought she must have wanted it there so i put it back!"
Only Batman can protect the pig
A guy walks into a bar with a pig dressed all in black on a leash and orders a beer. "Um, what's with the dressed up pig?" the bartender asks. "It's my pet pig. He's dressed all in black for his own safety. This way no one can bully or harrass him," the guy tells the bartender. "Because Batman is sworn to protect goth ham."
A man came home from church with two black eyes
His wife had gone to an earlier service while he slept in and she was shocked when he came home.
"What happened to you at church?" she asked.
He explained, "We stood up to sing a psalm and I noticed the lady in front of me had her dress tucked way up her b**.... You know me, always wanting to help others, I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
The wife asked about the other eye.
He explained, "Well you know me, always wanting to help others, I tucked it back in."