Bitterness Jokes
124 bitterness jokes and hilarious bitterness puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bitterness that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Bitterness Short Jokes
Short bitterness jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bitterness humour may include short jokes also.
- My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter... I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...
- I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies. My therapist suggested I find an outlet.
- A young man in a chemist's shop asks May I have 3 condoms please, Miss?" Don't 'Miss' me, young man. The bitter older woman scornfully responds.
Oh sorry, he replied Make that 4 then, please. - The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it. I can't believe he's not bitter.
- What kind of tea is easiest to make? A simplici-tea.
What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.
And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea. - What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer? One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
- What is the definition of bitter sweet? Your Mother in law driving off a cliff in your brand new Corvette.
- My waiter just spilled coffee all over me. I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.
- What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons? One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
- I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter That's how the sink works
Share These Bitterness Jokes With Friends
Bitterness One Liners
Which bitterness one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bitterness? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What's the most bitter tea in existence? Reality
*cries in the corner* - I like my women how I like my coffee Bitter
- Where does coffee go when it dies? A bitter place.
- I like my coffee like I like my women Not bitter and goes down easily.
- Why was the crow bitter about his job? They fired him with no caws.
- Life is like a cup of coffe. Dark and bitter.
- I hate suppositories Too bitter.
- I like my women like I like my beer Tall, red, cold, and bitter.
- My coffee this morning is like my ex Hot and bitter
- I've never liked the flavor of cranberries.. the bitter taste *lingers* too much.
- A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough... His life is pain.
- Life is like choclate Bitter if you're dark
- 'Hardys, Bitter, Fosters, Strongbow' Daft Punk ordering a round at the bar
- I called my children Lager and Guinness My wife's bitter
- What is bitter than a cup of espresso ? A cup of Depresso
Bitterness Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bitterness you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bitterness pranks.
Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "
This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant.
When I returned home I saw her father closing the door.
I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant?
For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery."
Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms.
Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her f**... in her arms."
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."
He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."
"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
After the North American Beer Festival...
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the "worlds best beer" a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me "The King Of Beers, a Budweiser" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Keystone says, "I'd like the only beer that doesn't give you bitter beer face, give me a Keystone Light." He gets it. The gal from New Glarus sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives her what she ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at her and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Spotted Cow?" Deb replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Baby camel talking to daddy camel
"Dad, why have we got these humps?"
"Well, my son, we are the ships of the desert, we fill them up with water and can walk for hundreds of miles across the desert wastes"
"Dad, Why have we got big feet?"
"Well son, we are kings of the desert, but the desert sand are soft and treacherous, and we need wide feet to avoid sinking as we labor across the dunes"
"Dad, why have we got thick coats?"
"Well, my son, it is bitterly cold at night in the deserts, and we need thick coats to protect us from biting wind and fierce sandstorms"
"Dad...?"
"Yes son..?"
"Why do we live in the New York Zoo?"
Offering from the noticeboard of the Linga Longa pub, Gundy, new South Wales
Prayer for Beer:
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day out foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter, the lager
Barmen.
three pieces of string walk into a bar
the first one says 'you two find a table i'll get the drinks', he walks up to the barman and says 'three pints of bitter please'.
the barman says 'sorry we dont serve string in here'
the string walks back to his friends and says they wont serve us the second one says 'don't worry i'll try.' so he walks up to the barman and says 'three pints of bitter please'.
the barman says 'sorry we dont serve string in here'
so he walks back to his table and says 'they won't even serve me'!
the third piece says 'dont worry i have an idea' he ties himself in the middle and pulls his top into a mess, then walks up to the bar and says 'three pints of bitter please barman'. The barman looks at him suspiciously and says 'are you a piece of string?'
the string replies "nope, 'fraid not"!
Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry
New (Periodic Table) Element
A new element added to the PERIODIC TABLE :
Name: Girl
Symbol: Gl
Atomic weight: Don't even dare to ask.
Physical properties:
1. Boils at any time,
2. Melts when handled with love and care,
3. very bitter when mishandled.
Chemical properties:
1. Very reactive,
2. Highly unstable,
3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum, diamond, branded clothes and other expensive items.
Nature:
1. Money reducing agent.
2. Volatile when left alone.
Occurrence:
Mostly found in front of the mirrors.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...
...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia.
...free, fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.
...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.
Winter weather emergency
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a magic lamp
A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.
"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"
Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."
The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"
Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"
The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"
The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"
Why is six afraid of seven?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[American Politics] Why do Republicans favor small government?
To bitter fit in my u**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bad weather
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my s**... husband went golfing."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
today i learned that watching fantasia s**... is a terrible idea
im so high that i just watched the rise and fall of the dinosaurs and cried bitter tears during the cretaceous extinction which i didn't even know had a name until i decided to learn everything about dinosaurs THANKS WALT DISNEY
I like my beer the way I like my men
stout and bitter
Where does bitter wine come from?
From the grapes of wrath.
I like my woman like my espresso;
Bitter, exhilarating, and some sort of Italian I guess.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
Repentance..
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"
"That's right" replies the German teacher.
They just invented a new cologne for feminists..
But it's hard to open and extremely bitter..
A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail.
He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my tea like I like my women....
Plain, dark and bitter!
My brother and I both like our women like our coffee...
He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.
At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship
Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's...
I caught my wife in bed with another man, my friend asked me, "you bitter?"
I said yeah, "I bit him too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish Joke
p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get my women how I get my coffee
Bitter, overpriced, and disappointing.
The worlds best chat-up line: "I like my women how I like my coffee...
Either cheap and bitter or ground up and in the freezer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandpa says he hates gay men
I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend
My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.
"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.
"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.
"It's either me or the pub," she said.
I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my parents that I recently got engaged to Prednisone.
Needless to say, it was a bitter pill to s**....
I'm no longer bitter about the end of my four year old relationship.
I hope she enjoys kindergarten.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like my coffee:
Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty b**... I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.
Why was the house sold to Denatonium?
He was the highest bitter.
I split the sugar today
It was a bitter sweet accident.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a German person acting bitter at the supermarket today.
Guess that makes him a sauerkraut.
how do you make a bitter man sweet?
You... edamame!
Ba-dum tss
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know oranges have genders?
If one squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.
If it's bitter for absolutely no reason, it's female.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night, ...
Last night, I was in a bar drinking my bitter and minding my own business.
This unsightly w**... walked up to me and offered to leave her number.
I asked "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer notices you are missing."
My life
(Weeps bitterly)
Why do fish in the north become bitter in the winter time?
Runoff from the roadways made them salty
A limerick writ for a Twit
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
*"Please stop!"* they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to tell if your orange is male or female
If it squirts in your eye without warning- male
If it's bitter for no obvious reason- female
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bus driver shouts to the conductor
Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat"
Both women stood for the rest of the journey
I finally figured out why women dont watch sports
Nail bitters are not a good look...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.
When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your s**... BMW that you didn't even notice your left arm has been ripped off".
Upon heaering this the lawyers eyes shoot wide open as he jolts his head towards the left shoulder, only to find that his arm was indeed completely missing.
"Oh my god!", replied the lawyer, "Where's my Rolex!"
Diet Coke is just bitter...
Because Coca-Cola classic is such a sweet beverage.
If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami...
And Erotica would be salty.
In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.
What do you call someone who dates a skinny bitter person?
Fatty Acid
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Foot Fetishists are losers
They enjoy the bitter taste of **defeat**
Well, I just got a very bitter complaint that the polo mallet I sold on ebay was too short
I told him to get off his high horse
Why are the basic lessons of life bitter?
Bases are bitter. 😂
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like my coffee
Cold, bitter, a drain on my income, and able to be smelled from across the office.
Oh and with several d**... inside them.
I like my jokes like I like my coffee
Bitter and straining every last drop from some ground up stuff of ancient origin.
A friend of mine has become bitter and angry since he had the ends of his feet amputated.
He's lack-toes intolerant.
women come in the same basic taste sensations or flavors as foods-
sweet, salty, sour, hot, bitter, and nuts.
What happened to the woman who beat another woman at baseball (who happened to have rabies)?
A bitter, badder batter bit her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope you guys like lager!
the only bitter we've got around here lives in the White House
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
I told my wife I wanted her to wear an old- fashioned Halloween costume this year
She filled herself up with whiskey, bitters, and sugar, and topped herself off with an orange slice and cherry.
I ended up going as the "stiff" part of our couples' costume.
Achilles had an affinity for large breed dogs
Mostly because he couldn't stand ankle bitters.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A New Metal has been added to Chemistry
Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.
**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**
- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled
**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES**
- Very Reactive
- Highly Unstable
- Possesses Strong Affinity towards Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards, Debit cards & Cheque books
- Money Reducing Agent
**OCCURRENCE**
- Mostly found in front of the Mirror.
- It's highly flammable when mixed with in-laws.
- It has mixed properties when seated with parents.
- Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!