Bitter Jokes

103 bitter jokes and hilarious bitter puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bitter that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Craving something bitter and funny? Check out this article to learn more about the art of a good bitter joke! From coffee to truth, learn about the aftertaste of life. We'll also take a look at the history of Victorians Bitter and how it can bring a new twist to that aftertaste. Finally, explore the hangover stories from stouts and how they can bring a bit of humor to an otherwise dreary experience.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Bitter Short Jokes

Short bitter jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bitter humour may include short sour jokes also.

  1. There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.
    If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.
  2. My wife thinks I'm cheating on her with our babysitter... I think she's just bitter because she's never been able to have kids...
  3. A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!" "That's right" replies the German teacher.
  4. I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies. My therapist suggested I find an outlet.
  5. A young man in a chemist's shop asks May I have 3 condoms please, Miss?" Don't 'Miss' me, young man. The bitter older woman scornfully responds.
    Oh sorry, he replied Make that 4 then, please.
  6. The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it. I can't believe he's not bitter.
  7. My taste in women is much like my taste in wine Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.
  8. What kind of tea is easiest to make? A simplici-tea.
    What kind of tea is most calming?
    A sereni-tea.
    And what kind od tea is most bitter?
    A reali-tea.
  9. What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer? One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
  10. A married man is from Mars. A married woman is from Venus. He may have had life a long time ago. She is bitter and smells like farts.

Share These Bitter Jokes With Friends

Bitter One Liners

Which bitter one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bitter? I can suggest the ones about biting and sweet sour.

  1. What's the most bitter tea in existence? Reality
    *cries in the corner*
  2. You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women? They're bitter.
    — Garrison Keillor
  3. I like my women how I like my coffee Bitter
  4. I like my women like I like my beer... ...pale and bitter.
  5. Where does coffee go when it dies? A bitter place.
  6. I like my coffee like I like my women Not bitter and goes down easily.
  7. What do you call a bitter German? Sauerkraut
  8. Why was the crow bitter about his job? They fired him with no caws.
  9. I like my women how I like my coffee. Cold and bitter.
  10. Life is like a cup of coffe. Dark and bitter.
  11. I hate suppositories Too bitter.
  12. I like my women like I like my beer Tall, red, cold, and bitter.
  13. My coffee this morning is like my ex Hot and bitter
  14. I've never liked the flavor of cranberries.. the bitter taste *lingers* too much.
  15. A depressed French baker sobs bitterly into the dough... His life is pain.

Bitter Coffee Jokes

Here is a list of funny bitter coffee jokes and even better bitter coffee puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My waiter just spilled coffee all over me. I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.
  • I like my coffee how I like my women Ground up, in a bag, and in the fridge. ahh, the nice bitter taste of it...
  • My brother and I both like our women like our coffee... He likes them hot and black. I like them cold and bitter.
  • The worlds best chat-up line: "I like my women how I like my coffee... Either cheap and bitter or ground up and in the freezer."
  • I like my jokes like I like my coffee Bitter and straining every last drop from some ground up stuff of ancient origin.
  • I get my women how I get my coffee Bitter, overpriced, and disappointing.
  • I like my women how I like my coffee Cold, bitter, a drain on my income, and able to be smelled from across the office.
    Oh and with several d**... inside them.

Bitter Taste Jokes

Here is a list of funny bitter taste jokes and even better bitter taste puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor: how's the flu medicine going for you? I know it's a little bitter Patient: No, the medicine's fine, can't even taste anything when I take it
  • Why don't cannibals eat divorced people? They taste too bitter...
  • women come in the same basic taste sensations or flavors as foods- sweet, salty, sour, hot, bitter, and nuts.
  • Foot Fetishists are losers They enjoy the bitter taste of **defeat**
Bitter joke, Foot Fetishists are losers

Bitter Orange Jokes

Here is a list of funny bitter orange jokes and even better bitter orange puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know oranges have genders? If one squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.
    If it's bitter for absolutely no reason, it's female.
  • How to tell if your orange is male or female If it squirts in your eye without warning- male
    If it's bitter for no obvious reason- female
  • Doctor says I have to stop eating the skin of oranges That was a bitter peel to s**...

Bitter Salty Jokes

Here is a list of funny bitter salty jokes and even better bitter salty puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If genres were flavors SCI-FI would be sour, Fantasy would be sweet, Horror would be bitter, Mystery would be umami... And Erotica would be salty.
  • Why do fish in the north become bitter in the winter time? Runoff from the roadways made them salty
Bitter joke, Why do fish in the north become bitter in the winter time?

Hilarious Bitter Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about bitter you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean salty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bitter pranks.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

I like my women like i like my coffee...

...Always there to brighten my morning
...Black and strong
...With sauce
...Twice before I leave the house
...Right before I smoke
...Bitter and cold
...At the end of the day, scraped off the bottom of a p**...
...Slow roasted
...Ground up in my freezer
...With boiling water poured over them
...Light and sweet
...A day old

Husband and Wife 40th Anniversary

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting a headstone that reads: 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reading: 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last."
-Sacha Guitry

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee..., black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia., fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian. a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

A nose walks into a bar

And says "a pint of bitter please landlord"
The landlord says, "I'm sorry but I'm not serving you ... You're already off your face.

Life is like choclate

Bitter if you're dark

'Hardys, Bitter, Fosters, Strongbow'

Daft Punk ordering a round at the bar

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".


A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

A friend from New Zealand asked me to put a wedge of lime in his cocktail.

He took a sip and said "Thank you, I couldn't have made it bitter myself!"

A Bitter Cold Day

Q: What does a bull do on a bitter cold winter day? ...
A: He goes into the barn and slips inside a warm Jersey

At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship

Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's...

I caught my wife in bed with another man, my friend asked me, "you bitter?"

I said yeah, "I bit him too."

Irish Joke

p**... walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
p**... replies with delight "Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels".

My grandpa says he hates gay men

I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend

What do you call a rapper who's feeling bitter?


My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.

"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.
"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.
"It's either me or the pub," she said.
I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...

A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:
'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'
'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'
The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato pie on my head on a Wednesday.'
'Ah!' Says the barman. 'But today is Tuesday!'
'Oh no,' says the bloke. 'I must look like a right t**....'

How many bitter Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, we've decided to let a man do the job.

I'm no longer bitter about the end of my four year old relationship.

I hope she enjoys kindergarten.

I saw a German person acting bitter at the supermarket today.

Guess that makes him a sauerkraut.

Last night, ...

Last night, I was in a bar drinking my bitter and minding my own business.
This unsightly w**... walked up to me and offered to leave her number.
I asked "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer notices you are missing."

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What is the definition of bitter sweet?

Your Mother in law driving off a cliff in your brand new Corvette.

A limerick writ for a Twit

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
*"Please stop!"* they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
*"If I do they might call me a quitter"*

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.

She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

A Gorilla walks into a pub

And asks the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman pulls him a pint, and says, "That'll be £6.50 please".
The gorilla takes a sip of his pint, and the barman says to him "You know, we don't get that many gorillas in here..."
The gorilla gulps down his beer, and informs the batman, "Well I'm not surprised at those prices..."

A friend of mine has become bitter and angry since he had the ends of his feet amputated.

He's lack-toes intolerant.

My friend died yesterday, we couldn't find his blood type in time for the transfusion.

Even to the bitter end, he said Be positive.

I called my children Lager and Guinness

My wife's bitter

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they're bitter.

This comes from my 5 yr old neighbor's ankle bitter: What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener. Get it? A can't open her. LoL!

I made a dark chocolate brand called Victory

And the slogan is even when you finish this dark chocolate, the victory will still be bitter sweet

On a bitter cold day, Hank visited Lou

"I had a rough time getting here", said Hank, "for every step forward forward I slid back two!"
"But if you slid back two steps for every step you took forward, how'd you get here?", asked Lou.
"I almost didn't, but then I said to myself 'forget it', and turned around and started back home"

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really putting all of her heart and soul into it."

An ancient Chinese joke, at least a thousand years old.

A man visits his sick friend, and finds him to now be well and energetic. "How wonderful!", his friend says, "What happened?". "Dr. Chang is the cause of my health.", he says gratefully. "Dr. Chang, what did he do?". "Well, Dr. Li came and gave me a special diet. And I got sicker. Then Dr. Wong came and gave me bitter herbs, and I got even worse. On death's door I called for Dr. Chang." "And what did Dr. Chang do?", his friend asks in wonder. The man replies happily, "Dr. Chang did the best of all, he didn't come, so I got well!"

My friend gave me a lemon

I didn't really like it.
But I kept eating it.
Until the bitter end.

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?
The boy replied I'm just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and full of beer and he said to the bottle, "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

Bitter joke, I like my women how I like my coffee

jokes about bitter