Biting Jokes
102 biting jokes and hilarious biting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about biting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Is biting jokes your way of life? Learn more about the different types of biting jokes like nail biting, dog biting, nibbling, and even some mosquito-inspired jokes. Get ready to laugh out loud with these humorous punchlines.
Quick Jump To
- Short Biting Jokes
- Biting One Liners
- Dog Biting Jokes
- Biting Flies Jokes
- Nail Biting Jokes
- More Biting Jokes
Funniest Biting Short Jokes
Short biting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The biting humour may include short bites jokes also.
- When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
- I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate". - Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life Because vampires are neck romancers
- My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
- How to turn your tongue into very own super hero! Step 1: place tongue between teeth
Step 2: bite down. Hard.
Step 3: your tongue should now be Thor. - A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.. He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?"
The vendor replies "change only comes from within" - Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover? southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
- Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse? Toothless zombies can't bite.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ... They both
* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement
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Biting One Liners
Which biting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with biting? I can suggest the ones about chewing and barking.
- What do you feed a hungry robot? Mega-bites.
Just an average joke by my sister - When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee.. ..That's a moray..
- A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite
- The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite So he went back four seconds.
- How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.
- There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead. Another Un bites the dust.
- When an eel bites your thigh... ...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan? They can't bite their tongues.
- What do Mexicans play at their funerals? Another Juan Bites The Dust
- I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
- Cannibalism is a real thrill Nail-biting from start to finish.
- Why is there no Australian Spider-Man? He didn't survive the bite.
- As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought, "This will come back to bite me."
- Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Dog Biting Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog biting jokes and even better dog biting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost? Because frost bites.
- I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread...
- I had to stop taking my dog to the park, because the ducks kept biting him. Should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
- Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create? Doberman.
- The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog... He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him
- What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you? Muslim
- Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship? His barque was worse than his bite.
- My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking? He sounds like a sub-whoofer.
- What do you do if an Islamic dog bites you? Musl-im
- I was rushed to hospital. A Mad dog just started biting me and ripped off most of my ear.
Doctors have told me, I have an ear and a half to live.
Biting Flies Jokes
Here is a list of funny biting flies jokes and even better biting flies puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite.
- What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
Nail Biting Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail biting jokes and even better nail biting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- I finally stopped my roomate from biting his nails. All i had to do was make him wear shoes.
- What do you call a Nun that bites her nails? A bad Habit.
I'll see myself out. - The best way I found to stop biting my nails was.. To stop buying toilet paper.
- Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit? Take up plumbing
- Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? You can say she has a bad habit.
- What do people who bite their fingers say to intimidate people? I'm not scared of you, I eat nails for breakfast every day!
- I bite my nails, but you would never be able to tell because I wear socks with my sandals
- At 31 years old, I decided to grow up, kick a bad habit and stopped biting my nails. The nosebleeds are getting annoying, though.
- Mom Can we go out and play with granny?
Yes, just don't bite her nails or I'll close the coffin
Charming Humor Biting Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about biting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean licking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make biting pranks.
Gladiator's Monday
A gladiator was having a rough Monday at the arena.
His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.
Nevertheless, he fought on, k**... and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both of his feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up.
He was now both unarmed and defeated.
How do you stop a dog from biting you on monday?
Kill the dog on sunday
How do you stop Allahs dog from biting?
You muzzle him.
My girlfriend started biting her lip to look s**......
How do I tell her it's supposed to be the bottom lip?
"Children, stop biting grandpa's nails...
...or I'll close the coffin!"
What is the name of an annoying creature that is notorious for biting humans in the tropics?
Luiz Suarez.
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's opinion on ears?
He had some biting commentary on the matter.
A little boy is always biting his nails...
A little boy is always biting his nails. In the end his mom gets angry and says, "If you continue to bite your nails you'll get bigger and bigger and bigger until you blow up like a balloon!" A few days later the little boy is on the bus when a very pregnant woman sits opposite him. After a few minutes the lady realizes that the little boy is staring at her. "Do you know me?" she asks. "No," says the boy. "But I know what you've been doing."
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it? Finding half a worm in it. And what's worse than that?
The holocaust
Russell Crowe was arrested for biting a woman's face off.
When asked about it, he said he was "Glad he ate her".
Teacher and Students
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
So a father and son are sitting outside an icecream shop.
And three women walk out, one l**..., one s**... and one biting the icecream cone. The father asks the son, "which one of those girls is married?" The son replies "obviously the one s**... the cone"
"No son, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Sorry for grammar. I smart
Little Johnny is in class...
The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"
Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly l**... the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.
Don't read this if you don't like sensitive topics
Biting into an ice cream
"I've been a naughty, naughty girl" she said to me, biting her lower lip, "and I need to be punished"
So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
What do you call a reptile biting its own tail?
An alligatorus
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn't have a leg to stand on
A couple of ten years is in bed
They haven't had s**... in months. The man unexpectedly starts caressing her knees, then her tighs. She starts breathing heavily. He caresses her waist, her belly. She closes her eyes and starts biting her lips. He caresses her breast, her shoulders. She's getting there.
"Found the remote!"
I was chewing on a copy of Animal Farm the other day...
I enjoy biting satire
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
LPT: To prevent a snake from biting, grasp their tail firmly and shake vigorously
Since snakes don't have hands, the snake will think that you are a businessman and that he is a business snake, and you are about to make a handshake deal.
Made the mistake of biting into some half frozen food
Realized that wasn't well thawed out.
It's weird it hurts when you accidentally bite on your tongue but when you do it on purpose it doesn't hurt
It's also weird your biting on your tongue now
johnny in the math class
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is l**... her ice cream, one is s**... her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one s**... her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
How did the carpenter lose all his teeth?
By biting his nails.
You have a great taste!
Would you please stop biting me!
A cyclops was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his wife, "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"
Biting her lip, she replied, "I think you need 2 'i's."
Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad?
Because he was always biting his nails.
Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects
Don't bite them.
My wife tried to be s**... by biting her lips at me...
...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips
When you bite the inside of your mouth unintentionally it hurts, When you bite it intentionally it doesn't
Why are you biting the inside of your mouth?
A drunk old Irish man told me this one...
A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.
One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says
Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want .
With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says
Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk
What's worse than biting the inside of your cheek?
The next five times you do it right after that.
Whats the difference between biting your nails, and Frodo with a r**... charge?
Ones a force of habit, one's a forceful hobbit
His last words before biting the dust were
Hey, I wonder what this dust tastes like!
I quitted smoking, drinking alcohol, m**..., biting my nails and coffeine at the same time.
That was the worst second of my f**...' life...
Upvote if I got you
Have you ever wondered why when you accidentally bite your tongue it hurts, but when you bite it on purpose it doesn't?
Why are you biting your tongue now?
Upvote if I got you!
You should move to Arkansas. It's absolutely lovely
But what about all the mosquitoes?
They all died from ODs thanks to biting the m**... heads
You should consider moving to Arkansas, the don't have any mosquitoes...
They all died off after biting so many methheads
My wife keeps trying to be s**... by biting her lip
I don't have the heart to tell her it's the bottom one
Maybe everyone would stop dying if they'd stop biting the dust.
Seriously, that can't be good for one's health.
A blonde went to an Alaskan sledding race.
She stood near a brunette as the race began. "There is absolutely *nothing* sexier than a man in a doggy-sled race," she said, biting her lip.
"Iditarod," the brunette corrected her.
The blonde woman scoffed. "So? I've used a cucumber, but this is still hotter."
My girlfriend tried to look s**... by biting her lip
She doesn't realize that she's supposed to bite her lower lip.
I find it hard to stop biting my fingernails
Because I always have them on hand.
I caught my son biting the electrical cord
I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.
A teacher asks little Johnny a question...
-If there are five birds in a powerline and someone shoots one, how many birds are left?
-None because they will get scared away from the gunshot"
-Four but I like the way you think
-I have a question for you then. There's three women eating ice cream, one's s**..., one's l**... and one's biting. Which one is married?
-The one l**....
-No, the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.
Joke of the day
Teacher: "Billy if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"
Billy: "none the others flew away"
Teacher: "the awanser is 4 but I like the way you think"
Billy: "i have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 l**..., 1 biting and 1 s**.... Which one is married?"
Teacher nervously awansers: the one s**...
Billy: the awanser is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Cancer.
What's worse than.... (SFW)
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm in it?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm in it!
I've always had a problem with eating my fingernails.
I get anxious and chew them off and eat them and they look terrible. One day my sister noticed and told me to go to the drug store for some press-on nails. She said they looked good and would keep me from biting my nails. So I went and bought some and she was right. They looked so good I ate them right out of the box.
A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all on the run from the cops...
They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide in a huge brown sack. The cops arrive and kick the first sack. The redhead yells, "Woof! Woof"! to imitate a dog. The captain says, "Leave it be! We don't need some dog out here biting our ankles". A cop kicks the second sack, and the brunette says, "Meow!" The captain says, "Leave it be! I don't want some cat out here scratching our faces". A cop kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, "Potatoes!"
Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?
He had dysnecksia.
What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Having high voltage electrodes attached to your t**... and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.
What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Slowly dying of late stage s**....
How to attract women:
My friend keeps complaining that he can't attract women. I told him "Why don't you try a s**... look...like lowering your eyelids and biting your lip?"
My friend takes the advice and runs off. He comes back complaining "I TRIED YOUR SUGGESTION AND THE GIRLS KEPT RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING!"
"Hmmm... can you show me what you were doing?"
Friend bites his lip and squints his eyes.
"AH! I see the problem...next time try biting your LOWER lip..."
A man and his new guard dog
A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts l**... its b**.... "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, l**.... "He doesn't look too scary from here, he's more interested in his b**...." "Oh, don't mind that," the guy replies. "He just got done biting my lawyer. He's still trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
