bites Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bites puns

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

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Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

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My wife bites her lip to look sexy

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

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A man walks into a bar...

And sees a beautiful woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $1.50"

and

"Handjob: $10"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Do *you* give the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese."

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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

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When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee..

..That's a moray..

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Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

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No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

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Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks him "quick... what did the doc say ?"

Jimbob looks him in the eye, and as a single tear escapes he says "doc says you're gonna die!"

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When an eel bites your thigh...

...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

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Two friends are hiking up a trail.

Two friends are hiking up a trail in a remote area of the woods, we will call them Bob and Frank. Out of nowhere a snake leaps and bites Bob square on his penis. Panicking, Frank tells Bob that there was a village nearby and someone HAS to know what to do.

Frank finds the local medicine man who says that this snake IS deadly but if you grab the area and suck out the venom the victim will live.
Armed with this knowledge, Frank runs back to Bob.

"Bob! Bob!" Frank struggles to catch his breath. "I've got good news and bad news."

"Frank I could use some good news right now."

"I know how to get the venom out!"

"Oh man that's great! What's the bad news?"

"You're gonna die."

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Two friends are hiking through the woods..

When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis.

Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation.

The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die."

The man thanks the doctor, hangs up, and looks to his friend.

"What'd the doctor say?" the bitten man asks, breathing heavily.

Looking his helpless friend in the eyes he replied "They said you're gonna die."

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Jesus, Moses, and an Old Man Are Golfing...

Moses steps up to the tee, squares up and hits the ball right into the water hazard. He walks up to the water, raises his club, and parts the water. He then hits it in for two.

Jesus lines up his shot and hits it right into the water. He walks across the water and hits it in for two.

The old man takes his turn and whacks it hard. Right before the ball hits the water, a fish jumps out and bites the ball. Before the fish gets back in the water, a majestic eagle swoops down and grabs the fish, flying high into the sky where a lightning bolt zaps down from a cloud making the eagle drop the fish. That fish hits the ground and the ball rolls from his mouth right into the hole. PLOP.

Jesus whips around angrily shaking his finger. "Dammit, Dad! If you don't quit screwing around you can't play with us anymore!"

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A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

Bar man: "You need to leave because if that alligator bites someone I'll get sued!"

Alligator owner: "No no he's tame! Watch I'll prove it."

He then zips down his fly and puts his cock inside the alligators mouth. The alligator keeps its mouth open the whole time. He then zips his pants back up and says

"See I told you he was tame! Anyone else like to try?"

drunk guy at the bar: "Yeah Id like to try but I don't think I can keep my mouth open that long."

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"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."

The vendor replies "Flip it around!"
And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly.

The man now astonished by this apple, asks about any other flavors.

The vendor says, "Sure I do! I even have an apple that tastes just like pussy. Try it!"

The man bites into it. With an expression of pure disgust he spits it out.

"This tastes like shit!!"

The fruit vendor replies, "Flip it around!"

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What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

Another Juan Bites The Dust

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A man walks into a bar... (the apple drinks one)

And he orders a Rum & Coke (Cuba Libre), and the bartender hands him an apple. Confused, he restated he wanted a cocktail, but the bartender insisted. He bites into the apple and yells 'holy shit! this tastes like rum!' 'turn the apple', said the bartender. 'Wow, this side tastes like Coke!'

Another man walks into the bar and orders a Gin & Tonic. The bartenders hands him an apple and he gets confused too. 'Trust the guy, bite it'. 'Whoa! this tastes like Gin!' 'Turn it around' said the bartender. 'Amazing. This tastes like tonic!

Another guy walks into the bar. The two guys tell him about the flavored apples and how this guy can make apples to taste whatever you want them to.

'If that's the case, I want a pussy-flavored one'

'You got it' said the bartender and gave him an apple.

He bites the apple, and then spits it and pukes.

'What the hell man! this tastes like shit!'

'turn it around...'

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Eyes and Teeth

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, OK, show me.
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. A while later the first man says, I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.
The second man thinks, well, he can't have two glass eyes. He obviously can see. So he says, All right, show me.
The first man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

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A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."


Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.

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A man, a dog and a pig are in a boat...

Lost at sea, they wreck the boat and swim to a deserted island. Stranded there for months with little to do, the man begins to get urges and becomes oddly attracted to the pig. The man tries to mount the pig one day and out of no where the dog runs up and bites the man. Two days later, the man tries again. Again, the dog bites the man. The dog is not letting this happen. This continues to happen and suddenly, the man hears a cry from the water and sees a woman struggling as her boat is also wrecked and sinking. He quickly swims out to save the woman and brings her ashore. As she collects herself, she says to the man, "Thank you so much for saving my life! If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, it will be done!" The man replies, "Can you take that dog for a walk?"

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites off my roosters feet. What do you have?

2 feet of my cock in your ass

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A Londoner is walking his dog...

...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.

"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"

"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.

"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.

"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"

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A man was sitting on a bench next to a dog sitting on the grass.

A younger man walks by and asks him if his dog bites. The man says

"No, my dog never bite anyone."

The younger man reaches down to pet the dog, when all of a sudden, the dog lashes out and bites his hand.

"Ow! What the hell man!? You said your dog didn't bite!"

"...That's not my dog."

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Horses

Note: this joke is not originally in English.

Two friends, Jack and Joe, buy two horses. But they can't seem to tell them apart.

After some thinking, Joe has an idea.
-Hey Jack, how about I cut an ear of my horse. So we'll know which is mine.

So he cuts the horses ear off, but during the night two horses got in a fight and the one with one ear bites an ear off the other one.

The next morning Jack says:
-I'll cut my horses tail off, then we'll now the diffidence.

So he cuts it off. Next night two horses get in another fight and the tailless one bites the tail off the other one.

The next morning, Jack and Joe are carefully locking at their horses (probably thinking what else to cut off) when Jack says:
-You know what Joe, I think the white one one is just a little bit bigger than the black one.

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If you have a donkey and I have a rooster, and your donkey bites the legs of my rooster off, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

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Man bites dog.

So, these two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking its own balls. The one guy turns to the other and says, "I wish I could do that." To which the other replies, "Yeah, but I think you better pet it first."

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A man walks into a bar with a bag over his shoulder...

Bar tender asks, what do you have in the sack? The man pulls out a giant turtle and raises it above his head to show everyone. He slowly pulls out his penis, brings the turtle's mouth to his junk, and the turtle bites down onto his cock. The man releases hold of the turtle and it hangs by its chompers from the man's limp dick. The man then pokes the turtle in the eye to get it to release its weight-bearing grip and says, I'll buy the whole bar a round if anyone else is man enough to do that. A lone man in the back slowly stands up with his hand raised and sheepishly responds, I'll do it, but...you better not poke me in the eye like that!

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Jim and Bob are hiking through the woods, and Jim goes off the trail to take a leak.

He suprises a rattlesnake, who strikes at once, and bites him on the pecker. Jim yells over to Bob, who goes into action, and gets a local park ranger on cell phone. Bob tells the story and asks the ranger, "What do I do?"

The ranger says, "You have to try to suck the poison out of the two puncture wounds from the snake's fangs as quickly as possible, and get him back to the ranger station."

Jim, frightened and in pain, asks Bob, "So what did the ranger say?"

Bob says to Jim, "He says you're going to die."

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When the moon hits your eye...

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
that's amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek
that's a moray.

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe. He explains to Joe what has happened.

Joe: "Alright, in order to save Jimmy's life, you'll have to suck the venom straight out of the site of the wound. Got it?

Butch: "Yeah, I understand."

Joe: "Go! Hurry!"

Jimmy sees Butch come running and asks "So? What did Joe say?!"

Butch replies, "Joe says you're gonna die."

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The apple

Guy goes to a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Guy says WTF and the bartender insists, Just Taste It!



Guy bites it and it tastes like rum! The bartender says Now Turn It Around. The guy does and it tastes like coke! The guy is amazed and chomps away



Another guy comes in, orders and gin and tonic and the bartender hands him an apple. The first guy says Just Try It, Its Worth It. Second guy tries it and it tastes like gin! The bartender tells him to turn it around. He does and it tastes like tonic! Cool!



The guys are enjoying their apples when a third guys comes in. First guys says, order anything, this bartender has apples that taste like anything you want. Third guys says, Oh Yeah, got one that tastes like vagina? The bartender hands him an apple.


The third guy bites in and yells Damn! This apple tastes like shjt! To which the bartender replies "Turn It Around!

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A silly old man came to my work and told me this joke and it stuck with me.

Out in the middle of the country was a general store.

A man was riding in one day and saw a dog sitting next to the door.

He walks by the dog and goes into the store to get what he needs.

After buying his items he asked the owner of the store if his dog bites strangers.

Which he replied with, "Of coarse not, he's as sweet as granny's iced tea!"

So, as the man leaves he goes to pet the dog and the dog chomps on his

hand. The man yowls in pain and goes back into the store to yell at the

owner.

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR DOG DIDN'T BITE?!?" he yells.

"He doesn't." the man says, "But, that sir is not my dog"

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What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?

A Hemogoblin

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What are the most funny Bites jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bites? Well, here are the best Bites dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bites pick up lines to share with friends.

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