Bites Jokes

108 bites jokes and hilarious bites puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bites that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you ready for a swarming of laughs? Check out these funny mosquito bites jokes, love bite jokes, and bug bite gags to get your friends and family chuckling. From jabs about the pesky insect to lighthearted puns, get ready to take a chomp out of life and start laughing!

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Funniest Bites Short Jokes

Short bites jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bites humour may include short biting jokes also.

  1. When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
  2. I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
    He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
    So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
  3. Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life Because vampires are neck romancers
  4. My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
  5. How to turn your tongue into very own super hero! Step 1: place tongue between teeth
    Step 2: bite down. Hard.
    Step 3: your tongue should now be Thor.
  6. A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.. He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?"
    The vendor replies "change only comes from within"
  7. Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover? southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
  8. Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse? Toothless zombies can't bite.
  9. The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
  10. Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ... They both
    * wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
    * bite and scratch when you try to pet them
    * keep escaping from the basement

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Bites One Liners

Which bites one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bites? I can suggest the ones about chews and biting flies.

  1. What do you feed a hungry robot? Mega-bites.
    Just an average joke by my sister
  2. When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee.. ..That's a moray..
  3. A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite
  4. The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite So he went back four seconds.
  5. How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.
  6. There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead. Another Un bites the dust.
  7. When an eel bites your thigh... you're just swimming by that's a moray.
  8. What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
  9. Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan? They can't bite their tongues.
  10. What do Mexicans play at their funerals? Another Juan Bites The Dust
  11. I'm allergic to sharks.. shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
  12. Cannibalism is a real thrill Nail-biting from start to finish.
  13. Why is there no Australian Spider-Man? He didn't survive the bite.
  14. As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought, "This will come back to bite me."
  15. Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Mosquito Bites Jokes

Here is a list of funny mosquito bites jokes and even better mosquito bites puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel
  • Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.
  • What is a benefit of parkinson's disease? Mosquitoes don't bite you
  • I went fishing with my new tackle and got plenty of bites. trout?
    No, mosquitoes.
  • Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat." I said, "I feel you."
  • Yesterday 8 mosquitoes bit me! I guess I now have a mosquito bite
  • I was talking to some insects about my feet. I think they're pretty big, but mosquitos think they're bite-sized.
  • What kind of bug bites only at your feet? Mosqui-toes
  • It turns out I have really attractive genes. I get like 20 mosquito bites a day.
  • Team Croatia is like a bunch of mosquito bites on your back Ic's all over that can't be scratched.

Love Bites Jokes

Here is a list of funny love bites jokes and even better love bites puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer
  • I fell in love with a mosquito.. The love bites were swell.
  • All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
  • I bought a lifelike blow up s**... doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite. It f**... and went down on me.
  • My wife was complaining about the love bite on her neck She said "look at that". I said "I know, I s**...".
  • What's the definition of like, love, and hate? Spit, s**..., and bite.
  • You should move to Arkansas. It's absolutely lovely But what about all the mosquitoes?
    They all died from ODs thanks to biting the m**... heads
Bites joke,  You should move to Arkansas. It's absolutely lovely

Bites Dust Jokes

Here is a list of funny bites dust jokes and even better bites dust puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • what is Thanos favorite song? Another One Bites the Dust
  • My vacuum stopped working ... Another one bites the dust
  • What is something you can only ever bite once? The dust.
  • Daughter asked me, "Dad, who is your favorite Queen?" I said, "Friddie Mercury"
    And another one bites the dust.
  • What song did Starlord recently add to his Awesome Mix? Another One Bites The Dust by Queen
  • Maybe everyone would stop dying if they'd stop biting the dust. Seriously, that can't be good for one's health.
  • What's a good Jewish song? Another one bites the dust.
  • His last words before biting the dust were Hey, I wonder what this dust tastes like!
  • What is George R.R Martin's favorite song? Another One Bites the Dust by Queen.
  • What's Tom Holland's favorite song? [SPOILER] Another one bites the dust by Queen

Bug Bites Jokes

Here is a list of funny bug bites jokes and even better bug bites puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the Japanese father say to his son when he got a bug bite on his knee? You got an ichi-ni-san?
  • What do you call a tiny bug that infests Egyptian dogs and bites them? Flea-o-patra
  • What's the best kind of cream... get rid of spots and bug bites?
Bites joke, What's the best kind of cream...

Howlingly Hilarious Bites Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about bites you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog biting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bites pranks.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A classic...

A man is sitting on a park bench, enjoying the day. Next to him sits a dog.
A jogger comes by and asks, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replies the man.
The jogger reaches over to pet the dog, who promptly bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" exclaims the jogger, nursing his hand.
The man looks up at the jogger and says, "I lied."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

What do you call a Nun that bites her nails?

A bad Habit.
I'll see myself out.

A lion walks into a bar...

...and sits down for a drink. He is followed in by an obnoxious woman who begins causing a scene in the bar. She begins knocking people's drinks out of their hands, cussing at people, and starting fights. The lion sees this and is annoyed, and in a few bites he eats the woman. Everyone cheers and the lion continues to drink at the bar.
He tells the bartender, "man, I sure do feel tired now...I have no idea what could be causing this! I'm exhausted and have barely had anything to drink..." The bartender promptly replies, "well, it must have been that barbiturate!"

Cute little dog.

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.
He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .

The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.

Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites?

Said every dog ever.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Idiot question and answer

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: What's a flea's favorite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.
Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
A: Because Frost bites.

When the moon hits your eye...

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
that's amore.
When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek
that's a moray.

A Londoner is walking his dog...

...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"

The three wise men find Baby Jesus in the desert and eat him...

one asks the others "how is your Holy Infant?"
Between bites he says "Tender, Mild."

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

I just downloaded a video of Luis Suarez's best moments

It was three mega bites

What do you get when a vampire bites a goblin?

A Hemogoblin

When an Eel bites your heel, and pain is all you feel...

Thats a "Moray"

No, that snake's not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, Sir, is this snake poisonous?
The scout leader says, No, that snake's not poisonous at all.
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys.

What do you do if an Islamic dog bites you?


Dog bite

A boy sees a man sitting on a park bench with a dog laying next to him. The boy asks the man, "does your dog bite?" The man replies "no." The boy goes over to pet the dog, who then jumps up and bites the boy's hand. With tears in his eyes, the boy cries "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The man responds "I lied."

The difference between venomous snake, poisonous snake, and toxic snake

A venomous snake kills you when it bites you.
A poisonous snake kills you when you eat it.
A toxic snake kills you with negative emotions.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

My wife bites her lip to look s**...

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

When an eel bites your thigh at the beach (at low tide)

That's a moray

A student is going through some hypotheticals about snakes to their biology teacher

student:"What if it bites me and it dies?"
Teacher:"that means you're poisonous."
Student:"What if it bites itself and I die?"
Teacher:"It's voodoo."
Student:"What if it bites me and someone else dies?"
Teacher:"That's correlation, not causation."
Student:"what if we bite each other and neither of us die?"
Teacher:"that's k**...."

What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you?


Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."

What is worse than getting stung by a donut?

Bagel Bites.

The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog...

He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.
* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*
Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."


A couple went 2 see a film at a theatre...
A mosquito enters the girl's skirt..
Guess where it bites?
Dirty Mind...
Always thinking bad and naughty......
It bites the BOY'S HAND...!

Apparently Boy George has...

... a pet lizard that bites people up to 5 times a day.
He needs a calmer chameleon

How did possums learn to play dead?

When scientists learned that possums can survive up to 80 rattlesnake bites

A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims why the f*c**... did you do that?!
To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, i'm a panda, look it up... before casually walking out the exit
After finding the relevant chapter the waiter reads:
Panda: Large black and white bear-like mammal; eats, shoots and leaves.

Anniversary dinner

A husband takes his wife out to dinner for their anniversary. They both order lobster and a salad.
After a few bites of her salad the wife started holding her mouth as if in pain. The husband asks whats wrong? She said "This salad is extremely cold!" The husband replied "Of course, it's made with iceberg lettuce."

My Friend asked me about my EpiPen

"Why is there an EpiPen mounted on your wall?" My friend asked while visiting
"This is a memory to my best friend. We were eating dinner at a restaurant when after taking a few bites he suddenly grabbed his t**.... He kept gasping for air and when he started turning blue I knew these were his last moments. With his remaining energy he reached into his bag, giving me this EpiPen as a last reminder of our friendship." I said tearfully

A man asks his neighbour if it's ok to pet his dog

Yea he's a sweetheart, never bit a soul in his life, of course you can! Says the neighbour
The man pats the dog and the dog bites his hand

I thought you said your dog is a sweetheart and doesn't bite! Exclaims the man
The neighbour looks at him shrugging and says
Yes, but that's not my dog

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, so could you please ask the chef to make my food less spicy than this please?"
The waiter perplexed, looks at the man and says "Sir,
....this is dessert"

"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."
"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, s**...! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"
"That ain't my dog."

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really putting all of her heart and soul into it."

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting Another One Bites The Dust

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost?

Because Frost bites.

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

How to attract women:

My friend keeps complaining that he can't attract women. I told him "Why don't you try a s**... lowering your eyelids and biting your lip?"
My friend takes the advice and runs off. He comes back complaining "I TRIED YOUR SUGGESTION AND THE GIRLS KEPT RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING!"
"Hmmm... can you show me what you were doing?"
Friend bites his lip and squints his eyes.
"AH! I see the time try biting your LOWER lip..."

What do you call it when a fowl chasing Boris Johnson bites him in the b**...?

Chicken cacciatore.
(I'm so sorry.)

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"
"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.
"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies if we go to the hospital right now. You don't have to start writing your will."
"It's not a will, " the bitten man says with an evil grin. "It's a list of people I hate that I want to bite!"

Bites joke, Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of th

jokes about bites