Bite Jokes
154 bite jokes and hilarious bite puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bite that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready to laugh at a few silly jokes about getting bitten? Read this article to get your daily dose of laughs. You'll find jokes about mosquito bites, spider bites, snake bites, love bites, bug bites, and more! Laugh out loud with this collection of "Bite Jokes".
Quick Jump To
- Short Bite Jokes
- Bite One Liners
- Dog Bite Jokes
- Snake Bite Jokes
- Mosquito Bite Jokes
- Love Bite Jokes
- Spider Bite Jokes
- More Bite Jokes
Funniest Bite Short Jokes
Short bite jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bite humour may include short eating jokes also.
- When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
- I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate". - Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life Because vampires are neck romancers
- My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
- How to turn your tongue into very own super hero! Step 1: place tongue between teeth
Step 2: bite down. Hard.
Step 3: your tongue should now be Thor. - A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill.. He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?"
The vendor replies "change only comes from within" - Why is the South the best place to hide in case of zombie takeover? southerner zombies don't have any teeth to bite with.
- Why is the deep south US the safest place to relocate during the zombie apocalypse? Toothless zombies can't bite.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Having a cat is just like having a girlfriend ... They both
* wail and moan when you neglect to feed them
* bite and scratch when you try to pet them
* keep escaping from the basement
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Bite One Liners
Which bite one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bite? I can suggest the ones about biting and tails.
- What do you feed a hungry robot? Mega-bites.
Just an average joke by my sister - When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee.. ..That's a moray..
- A tree will never hit you They're all bark and no bite
- The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite So he went back four seconds.
- How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.
- There are multiple reports claiming that Kim Jong-Un is dead. Another Un bites the dust.
- When an eel bites your thigh... ...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan? They can't bite their tongues.
- What do Mexicans play at their funerals? Another Juan Bites The Dust
- I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
- Cannibalism is a real thrill Nail-biting from start to finish.
- Why is there no Australian Spider-Man? He didn't survive the bite.
- As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought, "This will come back to bite me."
- Why don't snakes ever bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
Dog Bite Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog bite jokes and even better dog bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Alaskan man name his dog Frost? Because frost bites.
- I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread...
- I had to stop taking my dog to the park, because the ducks kept biting him. Should have known this would happen. He's pure bread.
- Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create? Doberman.
- The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog... He's the only one who feeds the hand that bites him
- What do you do if your Islamic dog bites you? Muslim
- Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship? His barque was worse than his bite.
- My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking? He sounds like a sub-whoofer.
- What do you do if an Islamic dog bites you? Musl-im
- I was rushed to hospital. A Mad dog just started biting me and ripped off most of my ear.
Doctors have told me, I have an ear and a half to live.
Snake Bite Jokes
Here is a list of funny snake bite jokes and even better snake bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite. With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields
- Why won't a snake bite a lawyer? Professional courtesy.
- Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
- A man is walking through the forest when get gets bitten by a snake He looks down and yells
"Did you seriously just bite me!"
and the snake replies
/s^(/s/s/s/s/s/s/s) - Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang? Because it'll come back to bite you.
- In India a man was bitten by a snake as he tried to take a 'selfie'. How the snake managed to bite the man and hold a phone simultaneously is a mystery.
- Chuck Norris was bite by a deadly snake today After 5 brutal days of agony, the snake finally died.
- Why did the trouser snake avoid biting the singer? It was afraid of minstrel blood.
- What do you say when you step on a snake? Well that bites.
- I just made a boomerang out of a snake I have a feeling that idea might come back to bite me in the a**...
Mosquito Bite Jokes
Here is a list of funny mosquito bite jokes and even better mosquito bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel
- Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.
- What is a benefit of parkinson's disease? Mosquitoes don't bite you
- I went fishing with my new tackle and got plenty of bites. Trout?
No, mosquitoes. - Mosquito came buzzing up and landed on me, said, "I just need a place to rest and maybe a bite to eat." I said, "I feel you."
- Yesterday 8 mosquitoes bit me! I guess I now have a mosquito bite
- I was talking to some insects about my feet. I think they're pretty big, but mosquitos think they're bite-sized.
- What kind of bug bites only at your feet? Mosqui-toes
- It turns out I have really attractive genes. I get like 20 mosquito bites a day.
- Team Croatia is like a bunch of mosquito bites on your back Ic's all over that can't be scratched.
Love Bite Jokes
Here is a list of funny love bite jokes and even better love bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer
- I fell in love with a mosquito.. The love bites were swell.
- All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart... I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.
- I bought a lifelike blow up s**... doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite. It f**... and went down on me.
- My wife was complaining about the love bite on her neck She said "look at that". I said "I know, I s**...".
- What's the definition of like, love, and hate? Spit, s**..., and bite.
- You should move to Arkansas. It's absolutely lovely But what about all the mosquitoes?
They all died from ODs thanks to biting the m**... heads
Spider Bite Jokes
Here is a list of funny spider bite jokes and even better spider bite puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know what happened to Australian Spider-man? He died from the bite.
Happy Bite Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about bite you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bite pranks.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.
My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.
As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and this particular snake was not.
Which would have been a relief, except by that point uncle Larry had died of a poisonous snake bite.
You better not.
I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.
Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"
The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"
Two homeless men...
were sitting under a bridge watching a dog lick its c**....
One of the men said, "I wish I could do that!"
To which the other replied, "Oh no you don't! He took a bite outta my arm the last time I tried!"
On the phone while fishing...
I was on the phone with an interviewer today while fishing when all of the sudden I get a bite, I pause trying to decide what to do. Then I tell him, "Hey can you hold for a second? I've got fish on line two."
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
Does your dog bite?
A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."
My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Two r**... were sitting on a porch.
A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, "man, I sure wish I could do that"
The other r**... says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..that dog will bite you"
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
A guy walks up to another guy with a dog. . .
The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" and the other guy replies, "No, not at all."
So then the guy asks, "Can I pet him?" and the other guy says, "Sure." As the man goes to pet the dog, it bites him viciously. The guy complains, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" which the other person replies, "That isn't my dog."
Sorry if bad format. Heard this joke while at the airport.
"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Okay. You're on."
The old man, whips his artificial eye out and bites it.
The young man sighs at being so easily fooled and hands over $20.
The old man finishes another drink and then leans over again and say, "I bet you 100 bucks I can bite the other eye."
Now the young man knows the man can see him and doesn't have two artificial eyes. So again he says. "You're on."
The old man then whips off his dentures and bites the other eye.
Where do terrorists go to get a bite to eat?
the Allahu snack-bar.
What do you get from a frozen zombie?
Frost bite. ;D
My SO thinks it's s**... to bite her lip...
I haven't got the heart to tell her it should be the bottom one....
How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?
A Terra Bite
I offered my Muslim girlfriend a bite of my gorilla sandwich but she shook her head and said...
"That's haram, bae."
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...
After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.
"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"
Putin smiled knowingly and replied: "They're not allowed to".
Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area
What do vampires get when they bite snowmen?
"Frostbite"
What is a snowman's favorite cereal?
"Snowflakes"
Why didn't the snowman answer the question?
"He didn't snow the answer"
What does a snowman like to ride?
"An icicle"
How can you tell a snowman is angry at you?
"You get the cold shoulder... or an icy stare"
I was in class today and asked a friend if I could have a bite of her cookie...
She took the napkin it was on, folded it over to gather all the crumbs, counted out 8 crumbs, handed them over and said,
"no, but you can have 8 bits."
I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your n**...
Woman: Sure!
*licked and s**... the n**...*
Woman: Why didn't you bite my n**...?
Man: Well, I don't have $1M.
TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.
Whoops, wrong sub.
A boy with swollen cheek.
Mom looks at her son and asks "What happened Timmy?".
Tim replies "A fly landed on my face in the garden.".
"Did it bite you?" asks mom.
"No, dad killed it with a shovel." says Tim.
Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch.
The dog is l**... itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."
Why do saws have teeth?
Because trees are all bark, no bite.
My wife bites her lip to look s**...
I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.
Marriage is like a bar of soap...
It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it
A student is going through some hypotheticals about snakes to their biology teacher
student:"What if it bites me and it dies?"
Teacher:"that means you're poisonous."
Student:"What if it bites itself and I die?"
Teacher:"It's voodoo."
Student:"What if it bites me and someone else dies?"
Teacher:"That's correlation, not causation."
Student:"what if we bite each other and neither of us die?"
Teacher:"that's k**...."
I tell ya, it's fine to eat one test grape in the produce section ...
But take *one bite* of rotisserie chicken, and they're all, "Sir, you need to leave."
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around l**... himself.
One of the Irishmen says, Don't ya wish you could do that?
And the other says, Sure, but I'd be afraid he'd bite me!
Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
My wife tried to be s**... by biting her lips at me...
...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips
My friend stopped talking to me after I lost 3 of my toes to frost bite.
I didn't know he was lack toes intolerant.
I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.
Don't go see Dr. Acula
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute !!"
Bad musicians can be scary.
But their Bach is worse than their bite.
I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, I like mine well done.
I said, Thanks. That means a lot.
I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...
Vampire missionaries
"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"
No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?
"Yes!"
So you're vampires?
"Yes. We have pamphlets"
Vampires have missionaries now?
"How else would we get new vampire members?"
But don't you just like, bite people?
"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"
I witnessed a motorcyclist hit a tree today.
The driver walked away without injury though.
I guess the tree was all bark and no bite.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Two men are sitting on the steps of a country store
As they sit, a dog approaches and begins to lick its c**....
The first man looks to the other and says I wish I could do that.
The other man looks at him and says yeah, but that dog will bite you.
My girlfriend tried to look s**... by biting her lip
She doesn't realize that she's supposed to bite her lower lip.
A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.
As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, I've told you karma will come to bite you!
Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....
Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?
It hurts to bite their tongue.
Does the dog know the proverb?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband replied, I am on the toilet. Please advise.
A walruses car broke down.
While waiting for the mechanic to troubleshoot the problem he decided to walk to the ice cream parlor. He ordered a vanilla ice cream cone and ate it while walking back to the car shop. As he finished the last bite he realized he forgot to grab a napkin. As he desperately tried to clean his very sticky face and hands the mechanic step out of the garage. Looks like you blew a seal the mechanic said. No the walrus replied it's just ice cream .
Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day..
..it would come back and bite me in the a**....
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
She wrote: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. Her husband texted back: I'm on the toilet, please advise.
Asked for a Bitcoin for Christmas
Opened up my present to find a quarter with a bite mark
One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:
"Its FOR-BIDEN!"
Steve and John are watching the football when Johns dog starts l**... its nuts. Steve says "i wish I could do that"
To which John replies "probably best to pat him first or he might bite ya"
This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.
The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."
Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and r**..., knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.
Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come on, man. I could use a beer to wash that down."
Shaking his head, the barman says "No wild animals and no drug addicts "
Confused, the bear says "Drug addicts? What drugs?"
The bartender shrugs. "What about that bar-b**...-you-ate?"
Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood
You would think that I would eventually learn
That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a h**... of a lot faster when they are mad.
*True story from a couple years ago*
"You have three wishes!"
"Oh no, I know the drill. Whatever I wish for, will come back and bite me."
"What? No, I'm a good genie. Listen, if it does, I will even give you infinite wishes"
"I want a boomerang with teeth."
A man was eating cookies at the park.
While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.
With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady turned out to be a fairy in disguise "For your selflessness, I shall grant you a single wish."
"I wish for a red sportscar!"
With a flick of a wand, half of a sportscar fell in front of the man.
Two r**... watching a dog lick its b**......
The first r**... says, "I wish I could do that." The second r**... says, "I reckon that dog would bite you."
Two drunk men are eating out of a crock p**... in the snow.
Neither of the men know what they are eating.
The first man says Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!
The second man looks in the p**..., takes a bite, and says No no, I think it's chili.
A father's three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates
The first daughter said, I'm going out with Joe, and we're gonna see a show
The father said, A fine fella! Have fun my dear
The second daughter said, I'm going out with Pete, and we're gonna grab a bite to eat
Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear
The third daughter said, I'm going out with Chuck, and we're gonna—
Oh no no no you don't young lady!! You march right back upstairs this instant!
~fin~
First date
A girl was going on her first date, and before she went her mother said "Listen carefully: Boys are only after one thing, so whatever he asks you, always say NO!".
So they go to watch a movie, then off to a restaurant for a bite to eat. At the end of the meal, the boy says "Do you mind if we go back to my place and have s**...?".
A married couple were walking through a garden
when suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted, I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog
Moral : No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife
The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary
He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:
"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"
The wife removes her bra and says:
"See what he did to me!"
