bitch Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bitch stories

What are the best Bitch puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bitch? Well here is a complete list of Bitch to have fun with:

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?"

"cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life"

The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

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Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**

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Women are like hurricanes...

They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU BITCH.

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Wife to husband: "Our son called me a whore!"

Husband answers: "Where is that son of a bitch?"

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What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will have sex with anybody, a bitch will have sex with anybody except you.

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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Husband walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep.

His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."

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A man walks into a bar...

And sees a beautiful woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $1.50"

and

"Handjob: $10"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Do *you* give the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese."

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Tried teaching my baby to say Daddy

Me: "Say Daddy!"

Baby: "Mama!"

Me: "Come on... Say Daddy!"

Baby: "MAMA!"

Me: "Fuck you. Say Daddy dammit!"

Baby: Fuck you! Mama!!"

Wife: "Honey, I'm home."

Baby: "Fuck you!"

Wife: "What? Who taught you to say that!?"

Baby: "Daddy!"

Me: "Son of a bitch..."

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An attractive blonde is dropping her dress off to be cleaned.

She hands the dress to the clerk who says thank you.

As the blonde walks out the clerk says "come again!"

The blonde turns and says "it's toothpaste this time you bitch!"

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A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use
a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

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Who's the biggest slut ever?

Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

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I just watched a movie with my girlfriend, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time

Fat bitch...

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A homeless man told me this one. (Kinda NSFW)

Why do women have two pairs of lips?

One to bitch with, and one to apologize with.

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A little boy is bothering his dad one day,

so his dad tells him to go across the street to where they're building a house and watch them so he might learn something. The boy is gone for a few hours and returns. His dad asks him if he learned anything.

The boy replies, Well, I learned that when you're putting the goddamn door on and if that bitch doesn't fit, you take that fucker down, shave a cunt hair off each side, slap that shit back up there and see if it fits.

The dad, horrified, tells the boy, You're not talking like that around here! Go fetch me a switch!

The boy replies, Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!

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A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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The Toronto Maple Leaves

So a man is walking along and he finds a lamp. He runs the lamp, a genie pops out an says, "I will grant you one wish."

Man: "I wish I can live forever."

Genie: "I'm sorry but I can't grant that to you. Wish for anything else and it'll be my pleasure to grant it to you."

Man: "Fine. I wish I can live until the Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup."

Genie: "You son of a bitch."

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Who was the greatest prostitute in history?

Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls til she died

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In his victory speech last night president Obama told his daughters they wouldn't be getting another dog.

When asked why the president said, "Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch"

- from Conan last night

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I go to the butchers the other day,

and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you."
The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday."
"You fired him? What for?"
"I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer."
"He had his *dick* inside the bacon slicer?"
"Yeah. I fired her too, the dirty bitch."

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The Harassing parrot.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat bitch!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot.
"Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

"What?" She asked.

"You *know* what!"

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A drunken Welshman

A Welshman comes home to his wife after having too much to drink. He kicks open the bedroom door with his favourite sheep under his arm.
He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you're not around."
His wife replies, "John, that's a sheep."
He replies, "Bitch, I wasn't talking to you!"

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My favorite mythological creature.

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

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So, a guy walks into a bank....

He approaches the teller and says..."I'd like to open a fucking account." The teller says, "Sir, I'll be glad to help you, but please don't use that language." The man says, "Hey, fuck you bitch, I want to open a goddamned account." The teller says, "If you continue to use that kind of language, I'll have to call the manager." The man says, "I don't give a fuck get the motherfucker." The manager comes out and says, "Is there a problem here?" The man says, "No, there's no problem, I just won 10 million dollars in the lottery and I'd like to open a fucking account." The manager pauses and says, "Oh, I see. And this cunt is giving you a hard time?"

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How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?

Give the bitch a shovel.

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What is the difference between a bitch and a slut?

A slut fucks everyone, a bitch fucks everyone but you.

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Larry doing the math

Larry was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine… His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing? Larry answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom. And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked. Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition. The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, Two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

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Son of a bitch

A teenage girl goest to her priest to confess:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned".

"What did you do, my child?"

"I called Bert a son of a bitch"

"What? But why would you do that, my child?"

"Because he touched my thigh, my father"

"Ok, but see i'm touching your thigh and I am no son of a bitch, am I?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he groped my boobs"

"Alright, but here I am touching your boobs and I'm still not a son of a bitch, right?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he turned me around and he fucked me hard"

"Ok, but I've just turned around and I'm fucking you right now and it still doesn't make me a son of a bitch, does it?"

"It doesn't, father, but Bert ... he's got AIDS"

*pushing her away* "SON OF A BITCH!!"

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What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

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A lady from New York and a Lady from Texas

sitting on a plane in first class.
The lady from Texas says "Where y'all from?"
The lady from New York idignantly answers
"I am from a place where we do not end a sentence in a preposition!"
The lady from Texas smiles and says " Where y'all from bitch?"

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Movie night in the old folks home

It's movie night in the old folks home. Before the show this little old woman comes up to this little old man and ask if she can hold his penis during the movie. He replies, " Well I would say yes but I already promised Barbara."

Flabbergasted, the old woman says "Barbara! What's that bitch have that I don't?"

"Parkinson's." Replies the old man.

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What Did The Chinese Man Say When Asked What He Wanted For Dinner?

Bitch please.

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Since I started stealing money from my wife to pay for prostitutes, my friends have started calling me Robin Hood .

Stealing from the bitch and giving to the whore.

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In audience at jail

Young woman in audience at jail where husband is held. "Mr. Officer, I am here to kindly ask you to give my husband an easier job" " He's sticking labels on cans, it's not too hard, is it? " Son of a bitch , he told me he's digging a tunnel !"

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What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

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A guy comes home from work one evening...

and he tells his wife, "Ha! That crazy bugger Tom Wilkins from work was bragging today that he's slept with every woman on our block except one!"

His wife says, "I bet it's that snooty old bitch Jane Embry..."

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A boy has been bothering his dad all morning,

so the dad tells him to go across the street where they're building a house and maybe he could learn something. A few hours later, the boy returns and his dad asks what he had learned. The boy replies, "Well, I learned that if you're installing a door, you throw that motherfucker up there and if the bitch don't fit, you take it down and shave a cunt-hair off each side and try the goddamn thing again."

The father, upset with his son's language and having decided on a whoopin', tells him to go fetch him a switch.

The boy replies, "Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!"

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Little Billy

One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

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One of my favourites

A man is driving down a road.

A woman is driving down the same road.

They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, "Pig!"

The man yells back, "Bitch!"

The man drives around the corner, crashes into a hug pig in the middle of the road, and dies.

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I loaned a guy 50 bucks and he gave me a puppy today.

Paybacks a bitch.

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Two ladies,

A Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"
The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

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A southern belle and a snobby New Yorker meet on a plane...

The southern belle says, "So, where are you from?"
The New Yorker replies, "Where am I *from*? I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."
The southern belle thinks about this for a moment. Then, she says, "So, where are you from, bitch?"

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A woman walks into a supermarket and sees the man she recently spent a night with.

He is stacking boxes of washing up liquid in a display window. "You lying son of a bitch!" She yells. "You told me you were a stunt pilot!"

"No." He replies. "I told you I was part of the ariel display team."

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Little Johnny.

Little Johnny was playing with his trains one day, his mom overhears him from the kitchen saying "Ok, first stop, all you assholes that want to get off the train, get off. All you assholes that want to get on, get on". Johnny's mom storms in and scolds Johnny and sends him to time-out.
When he gets back he continues playing with his trains "Ok all you nice people who want to get off, get off. All you nice people who want to get on, get on. And all you mad about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

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Are you a solution of bismuth technetium hydride with a pH of 14?

Because you're one basic BiTcH

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A woman with stumps for arms and stumps for legs is on the beach...

...and she's sobbing. A man walks up and asks her what the problem was. She said she's sad because she's never been fucked. He picks her up, and tosses her in the water and yells, "You're fucked now, bitch!"

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A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards...

You need a heart to love her

A diamond to marry her

A club to smash her fucking head in

And a spade to bury the bitch...

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What do you call a black guy who just graduated from medical school?

Doctor, you racist son of a bitch.

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One day a 2nd grade teacher asked her class...

"What do you think you're going to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "I'm going to be a rich billionaire who's married to a hot bitch, owns a mansion with tons of stuff in every country and a private jet."

Susan raises her hand right after and says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch"

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best bitch jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty bitch gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these bitch jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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