bitch Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bitch puns

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.


I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.


My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.


What do you call a cow with two legs?


There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.


I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."


Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH


My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...


A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"


I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.


I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.


Whats similar between a hurricane and women?

They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!**


Women are like hurricanes...

They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU BITCH.


Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?

Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died


Women are like hurricanes.

They come into your life wet and wild and then leave wiTH THE FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SUSAN YOU BITCH


My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The autopsy


A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."


My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.


Wife to husband: "Our son called me a whore!"

Husband answers: "Where is that son of a bitch?"


What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?

A whore will have sex with anybody, a bitch will have sex with anybody except you.


During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"


Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, Why did you do that?

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.

The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.


A man staggers into the police station piss drunk...

... at 3 in the morning and tells the officer on duty, "I'd like to have a word with that son of a bitch you'll arrested who broke into our house last week."

Sensing trouble, the officer informs him that this is against police policy and would not be possible.

"You don't understand," says the man. "I'd just like to find out how he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife."


I could tell my wife was cheating on me when she said she was out with her friend.

Her friend has been in bed with me for the past hour. That lying, cheating bitch.


I was furious when my friend showed me my wife's profile on a dating website.

That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around"


A man calls to the hotel's receptionist and he says........"Hello..........

..."Hello, I'm in room 420, please send someone here immediately! I'm having an argument with my wife and she's saying that she's going to jump out of the window!!"

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's your personal problem"
To which the man gets angry and he yells, "Listen you dumb bitch! The window is not opening and that's a MAINTENANCE PROBLEM!"


A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?"

The teacher started laughing & answered: "What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4"


Husband walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep.

His wife is in bed reading a book. He stands at the foot of the bed and says, "See honey, this is the cow I fuck when you have a headache." The wife puts the book down and looks at her husband. "If you weren't so stupid" she replies, "you'd realize that's a sheep, not a cow."
"Well" says the husband, "if you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I wasn't talking to you."


A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!

Baby: Fuck, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.


A man walks into a bar...

And sees a beautiful woman tending the bar. Above the bar there are 2 signs:

"Grilled Cheese Sandwhich: $1.50"


"Handjob: $10"

The man goes over to the bar, and asks the bartender: "Do *you* give the handjobs?"

The bartender nods and bites her lip seductively.

The man says: "Then wash your hands, bitch, cause I want a grilled cheese."


A slightly drunk woman is watching tv...

She yells, "Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."


So this girl comes home pregnant.

Her mom's like, "What the shit? How'd you get all knocked up like this? Who's the dad?"

And she's like, "Mom, you've got it all wrong, it's a school project about the miracle of life!"

Mom's like, "Bitch you betta tell me who that bump's father is!"

The daughter just cries and is all like, "I don't know, mom! It was a group project!"


I came home from work with a bouquet of roses.

My wife looked at me suspiciously and said, "Have you done something wrong?"

I said, "...Yes."

She said, "What is it?"

I said, "Bought an ungrateful bitch flowers."


Tried teaching my baby to say Daddy

Me: "Say Daddy!"

Baby: "Mama!"

Me: "Come on... Say Daddy!"

Baby: "MAMA!"

Me: "Fuck you. Say Daddy dammit!"

Baby: Fuck you! Mama!!"

Wife: "Honey, I'm home."

Baby: "Fuck you!"

Wife: "What? Who taught you to say that!?"

Baby: "Daddy!"

Me: "Son of a bitch..."


Mom: You're a son of a bitch!

Son: That makes you a bitch!

Mom: You sure?

*This is the story of how I found out I was adopted*


I like my women like I like my cheesecake

Without someone else's dick in it you fuckin bitch Victoria


What are the most funny Bitch jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bitch? Well, here are the best Bitch dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bitch pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes