Bitch Jokes

What are some Bitch jokes?

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.

Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?



**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny bitchass girly voice.

**Me:** What do you mean?

**Therapist:** There it goes again.

My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month.

It usually lasts about 30 days.

My wife told me she's having an affair

I said "well, actually I am too."

She said "it's with your best friend, John"

"THAT SONOFABITCH IS CHEATING ON ME!?"

The bottle said to apply liberally

So I bitched and complained the whole time I used it.

if your little ladies not so little anymore...

you may want to think about what you can do to help. Here's some advice i got from a certified physical trainer: All you need to do is have your wife walk two miles every morning, and then another three miles every night, and in just seven short days that fat bitch'll be thirty-five miles away

Joanna joined work..

.. and was assigned a workstation next to Michaela.

Michaela smiled at her and asked her, 'Where are you from?'

Joanna furrowed her brows and replied curtly, 'Where I am from, we don't end questions with prepositions.'

Michaela answered coolly, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Where are you from, bitch?'

So there's a little guy sitting at a bar....(heard this years ago, hope it isn't a repost)

...when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer, after a bit the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas."

The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink. The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan."

Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China."

This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Sears and Roebuck."

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Bar bear

A bear walks into a bar in Butte, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Butte, The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, We don't serve beer to belligerent bar bears in Butte, The bear, very angry now, says, If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte, The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte that are on drugs! The bear says, I'm not on drugs! The bartender says, You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."

2SB: "My My My"

4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."

2SB: "My My My"

(Nervous pause)

1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"

2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."

(Nervous pause)

3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"

2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked,
"What did you teach" ?

What happens when a mean girl dies?

They write an o-bitch-uary

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .

"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

Blondes and alligator shoes

She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !

My own Mother called me a 'Son of a Bitch'.

Then she told me I was adopted :(

A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...

Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"

The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

My friend taught his female dog to add.

That sumbitch.

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.

Β 

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..

WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.


THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.


WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.


HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'


YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALDING,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT



SON-OF-A-BITCH



ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

A bear walks into a bar in ..

Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."

A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...

The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

Air Force One crashes in a field..

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

My flight was being served

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

Yo mama is so mean ...

when she dies they will write her an o-BITCH-uary

So a Bear walks into a bar...

and goes up to the bartender and orders a scotch.

The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve bears at this bar".

The bear gets upset and scolds the bartender "sir, if you do not serve me my scotch I will eat that woman at the end of the bar!"

The bartender replies "I'm sorry its policy; i just can't serve you drinks here"

So the bear walks down to the end of the bar and eats the woman standing there. He returns to the bartender and again demands for his scotch.

The bartender replies "I'm sorry sir we can't serve people who do drugs in this establishment".

The bear gets a puzzled look on his face and asks "What are you talking about?"

The bartender replies "What do you mean what am I talking about? what about that bar-bitch-you-ate!".

I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards...

Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.

A midget on the bus.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.

After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.

Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.

By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".

He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

What was the name of the infamous Russian prostitute?

Onya.

Onya Backyabitch.

What do Egyptian men do when they get a divorce?

They find Anubitch

It's National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day?

Shout out to my bitches...and dogs

A large plane crashed...

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.


The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.


"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

What's a female rabbit called?

Rabbitch.

An American, Englishman, and an Irishman all have mugs of beer in front of them.

It's discovered that all three mugs each have one housefly in them. The American takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Englishman explains the situation to the bartender and asks for a new beer. The Irishman picks the fly up by its wings and goes, "Spit it out, ya sonofabitch!"

A front desk attendant at Delta is beginning to board passengers for a flight from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama...

As he is taking the tickets from the passengers and allowing them board, he notices one man still standing at the window, looking at the plane. Once everyone else has walked down the passageway towards the jet, the attendant walks over to the man and asks if he is supposed to be on the plane.

"This plane takes off at 7:05 and gets into Birmingham at 7:07?" The man asks.

"Uh, yes sir, it does." The attendant responds, due to the hour gained during flight. "Are you ready to board now?"

"Nope", he quickly replies, "I just wanna see the sumbitch take off."

Went to a National Park. Bitched about it the whole time.

Got arrested for making "Anti-Yosemitic remarks".

Dapper Laughs rape joke

I filmed six episodes, half an hour each, if it was a guide to rape, it would have done one five-minute episode, come on and go:

Oi Oi, I'm Dapper Laughs, go down the shops, get some rope, bit of duct tape, rape the bitch, well done, see you later !

So I hear there is a rule about not ending sentences with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern belle sat down next to her.

'Where y'all goin' to?' asked the Southern belle.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied 'I don't answer people who end their sentences with prepositions'.

The Southern belle thought a moment, and tried again. 'Where y'all goin' to, bitch?'

Straight out of Popbitch...

You know I was invited to Keith Flint's (from the Prodigy) funeral? I'm supposed to lead the singing.



I'm the choir starter.

"That 'Hanglider' bird is a tough sonofabitch..."

"... I had to shoot it 5 times before he let the man go"

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

I knew babysitting my neighbor's son was gonna be a challenge...

The first time I went to babysit, I tripped on the doormat, spilled my coffee, and yelled 'son of a bitch!'

Then the kid poked his head out of his room, and said 'did somebody call?'

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."

The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."

The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"

A lion walks into a bar and sits down...

He demands a drink. The bartender tells him We don't serve lions, I'm sorry. The lion, becoming angry, demands again that he be served. The bartender more forcefully refuses service. The lion, very angry now, says, If you don't serve me, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender again repeats the bar's policy on not serving lions. The lion is outraged and, in order to show his dominance, eats the woman. Almost instantly, the lion becomes woozy and feels lightheaded, he asks the bartender "What's happening?" The bartender says, That was a Barbitchyouate.

An urban veterinary clinic offered free spaying...

Their slogan was 'Bitches get stitches!'

A bear walks into a bar...

He bruskly orders a beer.

Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."

Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."

"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."

Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."

Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.

Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."

It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"

Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-bitch-you-ate."

What's a bitch's favorite form of advertisement?

A paw pup.

What do you say when an arachnid with PMS and psoriasis gets sucked into a tornado out at sea?

β™« β™« the itchy bitchy spider went up the waterspout β™« β™«

What do you call a bitchy oak?

A country

What do you call a Russian rapist? Gedin Mavanyabitch

Why is my Chinese girlfriend so bitchy?

Well it's true, you are what you eat.

Trump cuts a deal after impeachment

He gives up his fortune, is not allowed to work or invest in any industry that he was previously in, and only has a very minimal amount of money to get himself started.

Everybody thought he would end up under a bridge or jumping off a bridge in no time, but love him or hate him, he is one stubborn, determined sonofabitch.

He opens up a small business, something he never even imagined all these years ago, but thinks he can still apply his core values to, bungee jumping.

The day comes he is ready to open, so he brings his sign out the front. Bungee jumping: Adults $400, Children $300. Black's and Mexicans: free, no strings attached.

My parking stub was being bitchy, argumentative, and expensive.

It just wanted validation.

NeNe Leakes to Uber driver:

I ain’t even gonna to tell you about the damn Uber driver. I hope he rape yo all tonight when he take you home, bitch.

Air Force one goes down.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

Brown Bear

A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs
on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, We don't
serve beer to bears in bars.

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,
We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars.

The bear, very angry now, says, If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars.

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as
promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his
seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states: Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars who are on
drugs.
The bear says, I'm not on drugs.
The bartender says, You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate.

Umbridge? More like Umbitch.

What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly?

A shortcunt.

What do a Russian pimp call his prostitute?

Slobberonmadickyabitch

What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

'What makes you get out of bed every morning?' asked the job interview.

'The wife,' I replied. 'Bossy bitch.'

"You'd never put me first," said my wife.

"Sure I would," I replied. "If there was a 'Who's The Most Irritating Bitch?' Award."

I remember eating a huge dollop of wasabi for the first time.

It wasabitch.

What do you get when you cross an ostrich with a female dog

An osbitch

One of the huge benefits of trans agendas...

is that accusing bitch-dudes of needing economy boxes of tampons is no longer taboo

Bitchfight

A man calls the police:'Help me, there are 2 women fighting over me'.
Police: 'you should be happy about that, and not calling us'.
The man: 'Yes, but the ugly one is winning'.

I always tell my guy friends that women empowerment is going to a big thing

I meant handling all bitchings.

What do you call a really annoying Jewish women?

....Ausbitch.

Why are the British armed forces by bitchiest?

Because we have the **SAS**s

A man walks into a bar.

*"Son-of-a-bitch!"*

What did the fish say when it ran in to the wall?

Holy-fucking-shit-son-of-a-bitch!!!

let me uncover this truth

son-of-a-bitch

What are Benedict Cumberbatch's fans called?

Cumberbitches.

What do you call it when you chronicle the life of a dog in one final paper?

An obitchuary

What does Edgar Allen Poe call his women?

Edgar Allen's......bitches!!!

What do you call a Russian prostitute?

Onya Bakyabitch

How to make Bitch jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Bitch to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Bitch? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Bitch pick up lines to share with friends.

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