Witty Bit Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
Why was my post removed?
Can anyone tell me why my post was removed?
I'm a bit annoyed by this because my fence has fallen over.
Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.
That ship has sailed.
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"
I said "Yes, I'm ready."
He said "I'm sleeping with your wife."
My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them
In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size
... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.
To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.
You can explore bit tad reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bit visibly dad jokes. There are also bit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
My girlfriends parents are very religious.
The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
I just watched a movie about a y=x graph
The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though
My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side.
It's definitely something that needs addressing.
Really enjoying my new life aboard the giant space station designed to solve Earth's overpopulation problem .
Just a bit weird how the sun gets slightly bigger in my cabin window every day.
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck.
Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
What are the two problems with the French flag?
The red bit and the blue bit.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after s**....
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
Today I realized I have a bit of a logic f**.......
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a t**... subject...
These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
This is a bit wordy…
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles, and now I'm experiencing some unexpected vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign
which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward
A second girlfriend
To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,
In the first day he didn't see anything.
In the second day he didn't see anything.
In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm f**......'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're f**......''
A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his c**...
When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a s**... woman, the hat would lift by itself."
God said to Adam "I'm going to make you a woman"
God: "She's going to clean for you, cook anything you want whenever you want it, always look beautiful, never be bad tempered, give you children, always obedient, and she'll never argue with you."
Adam: "That sounds great, but what'll it cost me?"
God: "Oh, an arm and a leg."
Adam: "That's a bit steep. What can I get for a rib?"
(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?
You're a bit too much.
The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
During my interview today…
I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.
Nervous? asked the interviewer.
I simply replied No, I just always give 110%
I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, What would Jesus do? .
So I turned it into wine...
Where did sally go when the bomb went off?
- everywhere.
Why did sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms..
Knock knock..
Whose there?
-not sally.
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction
On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.
I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.
As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.
I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)
Great success.
My wife and I are both feminists
But I'm a man so I'm a bit better than her at it
I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.
It's nice to have a bit of company.
I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit
I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...
I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
2 guys walk into a bar
"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"
"Zoom meetings" is a s**... name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...
Or something shorter, like "co-vid".
I went to a restaurant and they asked me "Do you mind waiting a bit?"
"Not at all", I replied.
"Good", they said, while handing me some menus. "Take these to Table 11."
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
The best chicken joke ever!
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit p**... off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another...
...the Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.
I've been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.
Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"
My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed
He was going to tell his parents
My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away..
That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock
Now I have a bit of company.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.
An Arab student emails his dad:
*An Arab student emails his dad:*
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser.
*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*
My dear loving son,
Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love,
your Dad
A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:
"Beats Me"
For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"
Sorry, did that not make any sense?
How about -
>"A dozen, a g**..., and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?
She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…
So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…
daddy did you give mummy a baby ?
yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?
well don't give her another, she ate the last one!
Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.
The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....
I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh.
Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.
I'm ready for a holiday.
p**... says to m**...,
I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
m**... asks,
"So what are you going to do this year?"
p**... replies,
"I'll b**... take her with me!"
A man asked a lawyer what his cheapest service was
"For $100 I answer three questions," the lawyer replied.
"Don't you think that's a bit ridiculous?" the man asked.
"Yes. What's your last question"
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly
By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia
A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"
And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
Just realized that the song "Take On Me" was released almost 38 years ago...
Bit of an A-ha moment for me.
I threw the dog a ball the other day
It was a bit extravagant but he looks great in a tuxedo!
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
A bit rapey.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
So, a bear walks into a bar.
The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..r**... and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"
Ban?????
"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"
"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."
"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"
I recently started dating a woman in a wheelchair, and I stood her up.
Not surprisingly that's when she fell for me...and you know what, it became a bit of a drag...but now we're on a roll.
A Vampire walks into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used t**... and replies, "I'm having tea."
