Bishop Jokes
101 bishop jokes and hilarious bishop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bishop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh along with these funny bishop jokes! From jokes about Bishop Sycamore and Bishop Sheen, to jokes about bishop chess and LDS/Mormon bishops, to jokes about Episcopal and Cardinal bishops, we've got it all. Get ready to be filled with joy and grace with these bishop jokes.
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Funniest Bishop Short Jokes
Short bishop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bishop humour may include short church jokes also.
- Today in church they asked what a Bishop does Apparently move diagonally wasn't the answer they were looking for.
- A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
- Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally? Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions.
- The "bishop" came to our church today... ...must have been an imposter!
Never once moved diagonally - A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender who shouts, Hey pal! You can't do that!" "Bishops can only move diagonally!"
- I meet a bishop at good friday mass today, but I'm a little suspicious. He wasn't moving diagonally.
- I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter... ... he didn't move diagonally
- A priest, a bishop and a rabbi walk into a bar... ... they see Ellen Pao and leave for the bar across the street.
- What did the bishop say after they redid the vestibule with black and white tiles? "It looks nice but now I can only enter and exit diagonally "
- The Bishop was late for service One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.
He probably went diagonally.
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Bishop One Liners
Which bishop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bishop? I can suggest the ones about pong and chairman.
- After being made bishop, a man is asked what his next move will be. Diagonal.
- Why did the bishop love Walmart? 'Coz the boys pants are all half off.
- What do you call a sleepwalking bishop? A rome-ing catholic
- What chess piece is the best with kids? The bishop
- How does a bishop get a six pack? He exorcises
- Why does the Pope always win at chess? He has so many Bishops!
- What did the bishop say to the lazy priest? You need to exorcise more.
- What size coffee do Bishops order at Starbucks? Grande
- After the man was named bishop by the church, what was his next move? Diagonal
- Why is white's light squared bishop fastest of all? Because its on F1.
- A bishop was asked what his hobbies were. He said he had nun.
- A bishop came to my Church. He was an impostor. Never once moved diagonally.
- What did Bishop Charles Ellis grab at Taco Bell? an Ariana Grande.
- What did the bishop say to the priest? It's my turn.
- Mexican Word - Bishop My wife fall down and I have to pick the bishop
Bishop Chess Jokes
Here is a list of funny bishop chess jokes and even better bishop chess puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- From a kid in the local chess club Kid: Do you know why bishops move diagonally?
Me: No, why?
Kid: Because catholic priests never go straight - Chess is actually quite easy... Knight takes Rook, King takes Queen, and Bishop molests the Pawns.
- To save chess from extinction, the sport must get sexier The only option: pawnography.
(The bishops will love it) - Chess is blasphemous Bishops are not allowed to move in a cardinal direction.
- Why are atheists bad at Chess? They can't move the Bishop.
- I think chess has taught me the wrong lessons in life... Because in chess, if you stand directly in front of a bishop, he can't get you.
But in church... - Why don't Episcopalians play chess? They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen
- Why are atheists so bad at chess? They never use their bishops.
- A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop? Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.
- Why don't I play chess with the Prodigy? they s**... my bishop
Comedy Bishop Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about bishop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bishop pranks.
Bishop gets in trouble for saying fruits should get married in churches
"It's only reasonable, they cantaloupe"
So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church
And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
A priest wants to know how he can become a better priest..
.. so he asks the bishop. The bishop had only two points to make.
"Eat healthy and exorcise daily"
(Just thought of this on the can, is there any ways I can improve on it? Or do you know of any similar jokes to lighten up my day?)
Two bishops get pulled over by a cop...
Two bishops get pulled over by a cop who says: "We're looking for two child molesters". Bishop one asks him to excuse them for a moment and whispers something to bishop two. After a few seconds, he turns back to the policeman and says: "Okay, we'll do it"
A monk decides to become a scribe...
When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.
The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...
"It says 'celebrate'."
A limerick, There once was a bishop from kings...
There once was a bishop from Kings,
Who talked about god and such things,
But his real desire,
was a boy in the choir,
with a bottom like jello on springs.
So the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle when a Bishop walks in.
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
A young priest asked his bishop, May I smoke while praying? ...
The answer was an emphatic No!
Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, You shouldn't be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn't do it!
That's odd, the old priest replied. I asked the bishop if I could pray while I'm smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!
A bishop, a pastor and the pope walk into a bar...
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Where do Bishops prefer to eat?
Chapelbees.
Why can't the bishop walk straight?
Cause he can only move diagonally
What did the bishop say to a large group of priest at the overnight camp for young boys?
'Let us prey.'
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
A priest, a bishop, and a pontiff are all in a church when they came across the altar boy.
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
The Queen takes the Bishop, leaving the Knight in a vulnerable position.
This royal wedding is taking an unexpected turn.
I live next to a church in Cheshire...
...and I invited the bishop over for dinner. Took him ages to arrive - turns out he can only move diagonally.
Midget priest
The new bishop is visiting local churches to meet the priests and introduce himself.
He walks in to see a midget priest.
Surprised he exclaims "wow you must be the only midget catholic priest in the whole faith, what's that like?"
The midget says "actually we prefer little people"
Bishop replies "Who doesn't"
Did you hear about the bishop who invited the local Protestant pastor to lead his services?
He was defrocked for being too sects-positive.
p**... Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are
p**... Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says p**... Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, p**... Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My uncle weighs over 400lbs (200kg). When he walks down the road everyone says JESUS CHRIST!".
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves horizontally and vertically.
A bishop molests altar boys.
There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops
There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops. One of the waiters goes up to the Bishop and asks him how to become a Priest.
The Bishop tells him about the vows of poverty.
The waiter says 'if this is your idea of poverty I'd love to see your idea of chastity. :
What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
A rook moves in straight lines and a bishop has s**... with young boys.
I wish churches had checkered floors
That way if you got bored you could just watch the bishop!
Well my son is...
A few Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter Square, Rome. The first Catholic man tells his friends,
My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.
The second Catholic man chirps, My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace.
The third Catholic man says, My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, Well…?
She proudly replies, I have a daughter. She is slim, tall, and has measurements of 36D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say Oh…my…God!
Deep from the vaults of St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the Vicar, Good Gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles!? .
My dad was driving and I was giving directions. "Left on Bishop, Right on Main, Left on Miranda"
He says, "I've heard of Miranda Rights, but never Miranda Lefts!"
Fulfilling Career
Shoe shining should be just below Bishop in the Church -
They touch so many soles.
The question that finally nailed the Bishop:
Police: so Mr Bishop what are your hobbies??
Bishop: hmmmm Nun!
what do you call a bishop on a hiking trip
a roamin' catholic
Why do bishops move on diagonals?
They're not a cardinal.
A bishop, knight, and queen are leaving a bar
The bartender says, "Can I get you guys anything else?" The queen replies, "Just the check, mate."
a bishop walked up to a bar
the barman said you can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
What do you call a person who has two shops
Bishop
Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)
The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.
A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...
- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can someone become God?", inquired the rabbi.
- "No! Never!"
- "Well, one of ours did."
As the bishop advanced towards the queen, the queen pulled a surprise attack and took out the bishop
Believe me, the other Vatican priests were just as surprised as you are
I got into trouble at church the other day
During his sermon, the priest asked, "What does a Bishop do?"
"Moves diagonally" was not the answer he wanted.
An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.
As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**
Who was the funniest pope in history?
**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.
A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.
The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"
The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"
The Bishop nods his head yes.
The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots of whisky "
A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion
when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"
A Bishop and his plumber played golf
The plumber kept shooting the ball way out of bounds cursing " g**... it, I missed again". The bishop, annoyed, asked the plumber not to speak gods name in vain. As they moved to the next hole the plumber misses again, " g**... it, I missed again" The Bishop became furious. The third hole came and the Plumber missed. Before he could move his libs, lightning struck the bishop. And from above was heard "g**... it, I missed again.
A travelling Bishop made a stop at a monastery
He walked around and was surprised with many monks praying and smoking at the same time. He asked the monastery superior about it.
Monk: "Well, we requested Synod to clarify whether it was OK to smoke while praying. They said NO"
Bishop: "????? ......"
Monk: " .... but then we asked whether it was OK to pray while smoking and they found nothing wrong with that"
During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.
At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.
He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'
There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together
The first woman says My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father.'
The second says My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace.'
The third says My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a well, what about you? type look.
The fourth woman finally says My son is a handsome, 7-foot-tall firefighter. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Oh. My. God.'
An Easter joke.
A priest was arguing with a rabbi.
"What is great in our religion", says the priest, "is that there is room for advancement. A humble village priest can become a bishop, an archbishop, a cardinal, who knows?, maybe even the Pope!"
The rabbi answers: "What about the Almighty? Can he become the Almighty?"
"Certainly not!", responds the priest, "what a sacrilegious thought! No mere mortal man can aspire to become the Almighty!"
The rabbi retorts: "One of our boys made it!"
