Birth Jokes

154 birth jokes and hilarious birth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you ready for a good laugh? This article offers a collection of jokes about giving birth, baby birth, date of birth, labour and even triplets - guaranteed to bring smiles and laughs about all things related to childbirth.

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Short Birth Jokes
Birth One Liners
Give Birth Jokes
Giving Birth Jokes
Birth Control Jokes
Gave Birth Jokes
Baby Birth Jokes
More Birth Jokes

Funniest Birth Short Jokes

Short birth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birth humour may include short born jokes also.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
A friend of mine said, Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins. I said, Well, they were separated at birth.
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? "Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby ...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

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Birth One Liners

Which birth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birth? I can suggest the ones about baby born and babies born.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. We need to stop this woman.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body Then my mother gave birth
String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body... Then my mother gave birth.
A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated
I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
How do mermaids give birth? A sea section.
I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
Why were birth rates low in 1970? You can't get pregnant during '69.
I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic... How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?
If you help a cow give birth... Did you decalfeinate it?
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
To all the women who gave birth today… Happy Labor Day!

Give Birth Jokes

Here is a list of funny give birth jokes and even better give birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips… …but it's great for their calves.
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
How did the cow feel after giving birth? Decaffeinated.
A logician's wife is having a baby... She gives birth and they hand the baby to him. "Is it a boy or a girl?" she asks. "Yes" he replies.
I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
A biologist gives birth ........... A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.
Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus? She made a prophet!

Giving Birth Jokes

Here is a list of funny giving birth jokes and even better giving birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Why did the cat give birth at the park? Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth every three seconds... We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!!!!!
Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?" "No son. Of course not"
"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"
Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
What do you call it when your giving birth but there is no one there to help. Mid-wife crisis
Husband calls 911. \- Please send an ambulance immediately. My wife is about to give birth.
\- Is THIS her first baby?
\- No, I am her husband.
In these strange times, the doctors forced me to wear glasses while I was giving birth to my son. They insisted on contactless delivery.
How does mother nature give birth? With a sea-section
They should make birth control for men Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
Seasonal depression is kinda like a catholic woman giving birth... It's gonna happen whether you like it or not and once it's done you know the next one's only 9 months away.

Birth joke, Seasonal depression is kinda like a catholic woman giving birth...

Birth Control Jokes

Here is a list of funny birth control jokes and even better birth control puns that will make you laugh with friends.

What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
What do hipsters use for birth control? Their personalities
Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control? Parents
I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.

Gave Birth Jokes

Here is a list of funny gave birth jokes and even better gave birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white. Unless my wife just gave birth to you.
My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane! He was airborne
I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
If Mary gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus is the Lamb of God... ... does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?...
My computer gave birth today Now I need to buy a baby monitor
I too was once a male trapped in a female body... But then my mother gave birth.
Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck. The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."
You're so ugly… That when your mom gave birth to you, she got a ticket for littering.

Baby Birth Jokes

Here is a list of funny baby birth jokes and even better baby birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice. I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...
My wife gave birth the other day. Turns out birth control doesn't stop a girl from getting pregnant, it just changes the color of the baby.
What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help you deliver your baby? A mid-wife crisis
What method is used to give birth to baby pirate? Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh
Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy... 5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane? The baby was air-born.
Birth of Jesus
Mary: the King of Kings!
Wise men: the Lord and Saviour!
Joseph: who's white baby is this?
Did you hear the one about the Jewish baby? Well.. he wasn't ACTUALLY Jewish, but at birth, he was accidentally sewn together at the hip with his mother.

Birth joke, Did you hear the one about the Jewish baby?

Hilarious Birth Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about birth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birth pranks.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their d**...?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."

Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)

The cake jumps out of the girl.

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death

What s**... position gives birth to the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.

The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

What is the best drug to have s**... on?

Birth control.

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A s**....

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

m**... in the jungle

A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have s**....

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?

He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

What do you get when you mix l**... and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!

Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any s**... with a Y chromosome.

It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s.... At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"

Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".

My birthday is on 9/11

60 more days to go

A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.

Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~
.
.
.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate one mongoose.
PS here is another.

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.
The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"

I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said I'm sorry— your wife didn't make it.

I said, Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."

"But what do you think we should call the baby?"

What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."

The consultant dies and goes to heaven

When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'

Birthday present for my Wife.

I have bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it.