Birthday Present Jokes
76 birthday present jokes and hilarious birthday present puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birthday present that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Birthday Present Short Jokes
Short birthday present jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birthday present humour may include short birthday gift jokes also.
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.
- My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
- I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier He bought something for my mum.
- I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I'm a fairly modern man But apparently, they don't make a great birthday present.
- Buddhist birthday wishes Forget the past, you cannot change it.
Forget the future, you cannot know it.
Forget the present, I didn't bring you one. - The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."
- I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet.... After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....
- Buying a hoarder a birthday gift has its ups and downs... On one hand, they already have everything. On the other, they'll always cherish your present.
- It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said 'you can't really go wrong with Frozen stuff'. So I got her a bag of peas.
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Birthday Present One Liners
Which birthday present one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birthday present? I can suggest the ones about christmas present and christmas gift.
- What's the best birthday present in the world? A broken drum! You just can't beat it!
- Hey, cool name Thanks, it was a birthday present
- Hunters Birthday Present What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.
A Birthday pheasant - "Aww...Nuts" Said the squirrel when she opened her birthday present.
- Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
- What do you get a slav for a birthday present? A squat rack
- The best present is the present made by your own slaves.
Cheerful Fun Birthday Present Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about birthday present you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday wish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birthday present pranks.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present.
She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present.
She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy.
She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking.
The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A younboy gave his mum a big wrapped up birthday present on a Saturday.
She opened it up and it was a tea p**....
She said "What a wonderful tea port darling - thank you."
The boy said "That's good."
Mum said "However I already have a tea p**...."
The boy replied "No you haven't - I broke it."
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...
...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.
It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.
A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,
and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.
The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.
The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.
"Nope" says Joe.
The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"
"No" says Joe.
The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"
"A puppy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm your Birthday Present
It was Jim's 75th Birthday, his friends decided to give him a h**... for his Birthday.
The h**... went to his house and knocks on the door. Jim answers, she says "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
A little startled, he asks "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for supersex" she answers.
Jim replies "Well, I'm 75 years old, so I'll just have the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
45th birthday
Two weeks ago was my and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and probably would have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there --on the couch -- n**....
Did you hear the one about the invisible birthday present.
Eh...I don't see you getting it.
I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?
He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together
A man forgets his daughters birthday
He realizes that it's her birthday while driving home from work. Frantically he pulls over at the first toy store he sees and runs inside. He runs up to the clerk and says
"I need a present for my daughter, she likes dolls, do you have any?"
"Sure," the clerk says "we have plenty of barbies. We have Ballet Barbie for 19.95, Veteranarian Barbie for 19.95, Lawyer Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 195.95." The man screams,
"WHAT! Why is divorced Barbie so much more expensive?"
"Well, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, house, and half of his money."
Birthday Gift for Husband
Wife: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Husband: "Your love, obedience and respect is enough for me"
Wife (thinks for a while and says): "No, no. I insist on a present."
Which Barbie?
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I put $1 aside every time my girlfriend has s**... with me, and that's how much I'll spend for her birthday present
So far I'm getting one fancy-a**... glove.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
Barbie Dolls
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Heard this joke from a friend today!
Anyone else like the holidays of other cultures? Like, I love the one where you take a bunch of presents and hide them in the attic.
Or as you may know it, Anne Frank's birthday.
Yo Momma asked me for a Birthday Present..
So I gave her a Pearl necklace..
She loved it!
The jeweler received a new stamp kit as a birthday present
He thought it was pretty impressive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I unwrapped the c**... I thought to myself...
"This is a really weird birthday present, mum."
In the South Pacific...
Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Birthday present
A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday.
The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch"
So they let him
I'm going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow...
Hopefully the looting isn't over because I forgot to buy a present.
People told me getting my girlfriend a refridgerator for her birthday present was a bad idea.
But her face lit up when she opened it.
It was my blind cousins birthday party yesterday. I hate him, but mum said i had to get him a present.
Got him a paint by numbers set.
Jesus celebrated each birthday on Christmas...
... imagine the amount of presents he must have gotten!
Why can't you remember the color of packing peanuts from your birthday gifts?
You can't remember things that are always in the present.
A farmer received a birthday present from his wife. It was a brand new sickle.
Upon receiving the gift, he quickly became exscythed.
As a young man, I used to love my birthday parties
, but now anytime my birthday candles are lit state law requires that a fire extinguisher be present.
What is a customary present for a child's 5th birthday in Ethiopia?
A bunch of flowers on their grave
My nephew wants to be an accountant, so for his birthday, I got him a big bag of receipts
Not to worry if he doesn't like them, I've kept all the presents
My doctor gave me a month to live.
I said, "Well, which month is it? My wife's birthday is in 31 days and I need to know if it's worth buying a present."
Why didn't Jesus get birthday presents?
Because he always got a combined Christmas/birthday present
Amazing life hack
"How would you describe the woman who attacked you?"
\*Describes mother\*
\*Gets a copy of picture\*
\*Gives it to mum as late birthday present\*
Hey I didn't receive any presents for my birthday!
How could you forget about my presence?
My wife and daughter both got me presents for my birthday and asked me which one I liked more
It was a tie again
I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.
She said she hoped I kept the receipt.
Before John was a traveling salesmen
Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..
It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he could have only one of the two presents she bought for him and she would return the other. After cake , John was led out to the front of the house where he saw a beautiful new dark blue four door sedan. The other choice was a fine black stallion of superior breeding . John looked carefully at both options then yelled Gimme the Karma
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wonderful birthday poem
**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don't worry about the past — you can't change it.
Don't worry about the future — you can't predict it.
And don't worry about the present — I didn't get you one.
Thinking outside the box
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
"What are you complaining about?" he fires back. "You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."
I went to bring my stripper girlfriend a birthday present at work, but she was busy adding up her earnings for the day.
It's the thot that counts.
There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday.
One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion.
The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo.
The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot.
The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house.
She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo.
She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...
A m**... breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.
He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.
Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"
The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic h**....
The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"
On her birthday a woman's husband made passionate love to her, rolled over, and presented her with the keys to a new car.
"I come, bearing gifts," he said.
The funniest but meanest thing I heard a parent say to his kid on her birthday.
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...
I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great s**... we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.
Those presents the three wise men got baby Jesus...
...where they for Christmas or his birthday?
I gave my amputee friend his birthday present
It's a pair of gloves!
I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
