Birthday Old Man Jokes
22 birthday old man jokes and hilarious birthday old man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birthday old man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Great Birthday Old Man Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What is a good birthday old man joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.
The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.
"I'm 29 years old today..."
"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man has his 98th birthday
A man has his 98th birthday. They wheel in a giant cake, and a s**... 21-year-old blonde jumps out.
She whispers to him "I can give you some super s**...."
So the old man replies, "Well then, I'll have the soup."
My 5 year old made up a joke that I can't stop laughing at.
This joke came from my 5 year old, we have been saying knock knock jokes back and forth and he tells me his jokes that don't make sense. Today he told me this one and I don't think he realizes how funny it is. Here it is in his original wording.
*Knock knock*
Who's there?
Nobody. The man didn't answer because he is dead because he had too many birthdays.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Choices
A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an e**... popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super s**...?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age
It's old man Jenkin's 94th birthday at the old folks home
He asked a member of staff "young woman, how old are you?"
The woman replied "why, I'm 24"
Old man Jenkins says "do you know how many times 94 can go into 24?"
The woman says "I have no idea"
Jenkins whispers in her ear "meet me after scrabble practice and we can find out"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a Jewish man's 95th birthday
His friends decided last minute they would get him a stripper. The only person available was about 70 years old.
At his party, the stripper, tassels at her knees, was giving the old man a lap dance when she said,
"Ooh baby. I'm gonna give you some supa s**... tonight!" To which he replied,
"I'll have the soup"
An old man wants to get life insurance
The employee working at the insurance company asks:
'How old are you, sir?'
'I'm 102.'
'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'
'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'
'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'
'He's 139.'
'Okay, come back next week then.'
'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'
'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'
'He's 164.'
'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'
'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old guys are drinking
Two elderly men are out drinking one evening. They've been friends since childhood and they are both approaching their 80th birthdays. As they sit at the bar and reminisce about their lives one of the men glances across the bar and sees another couple of buddies who are also up in years out drinking as well. The man elbows his friend and says "Hey, you see those two old geezers over there drinking on the other side of the bar? That's gonna be us in 10 years." His buddy looks at him dumbfounded and says "That's a mirror d**...!"
What did the old man get for his birthday?
Cancer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old, old man goes into a confessional.
He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all s**... all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is celebrating his 60th birthday..
A man is celebrating his 60th birthday, and his sons decide that they should do something special for him since he lost his wife over a decade ago and never tried to get back into dating.
So they hire a p**... and tell her to go to his house that night. The young, voluptuous woman strolls up to the door at half past 9 and rings the doorbell. After a few minutes and some grouchy yelling from the house, the old man opens the door.
The woman says, in her best s**... voice, "Hello George, I'm here to give you super s**..."
He looks her up and down briefly and says "Eh, I'll take the soup".
This man was a really hard worker...
He worked day in, day out, and put all of his energy into his job. One day his friend was visiting. His friend said "So, it's your birthday coming up, and I was wondering what you wanted." The man replied "Man, all I want is a break, but I don't want to have to wait until my birthday for it." After a little more conversing, his friend left. A while later, he came back to the man and said "Sorry it took so long, I had to take my bike apart!"
This joke was made up by my 10 year old brother, and he wanted me to share it with you guys, so here it is!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was an old man's 80th birthday...
It was an old man's 80th birthday and his friends wanted to get him a special gift. After some discussion they decide to have a h**... come to his house that night and give him the time of his life. Later that evening as the old man was getting ready for bed he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and sees a h**... standing there in a s**... outfit. The h**... says to the old man "I'm here to give you super s**...!" The old man thinks for a second and says to the h**... "I'll take the soup".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grammer is important
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**..., took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, s**... and took a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. Then she asked, "What was the '1-2-3' for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
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Birthday Old Man One Liners
Which birthday old man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birthday old man? I can suggest the ones about birthday old and old man.
- How old was the cave man on his birthday? Stone Age
- What did the old man get for his birthday? Cancer.