Birthday Jokes

Following is our collection of gift humor and present one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Birthday puns for adults, dirty happy birthday jokes or clean surprise gags for kids.

There is an abundance of eightieth jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on birthday. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any anniversary witze you can hear about birthday.

The Best jokes about Birthday

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Birthday joke, I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.


So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

Birthday joke, Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, f

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.


My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Birthday joke, My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.


I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday.

It was only a minute long.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

I drink twice a year....

When it's my birthday, and when it isn't

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

What did the fat kid get for his Birthday?

Bullied

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.

Nothing beats a homemade present!

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Ok, LSD it is!

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday

luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday.

I guess they didn't realize what I meant when I said I wanna watch .

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.

I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

4/20 It's Hitler's birthday today...

... I guess that brings a whole another meaning to "Smoking a J"

Here's a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?

Harry was blind...

... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties

No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don't know what to make of it.

A man walks into a bakery...

So a man walks into a bakery with a fish under his arm. When he gets in there, the baker greets him and asks him how he could help the man.

"Do you sell fish cakes?", the man asks the baker.

"No, of course we don't!" the baker replies.

"But it's his birthday!"

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes