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Birthday Jokes

163 birthday jokes and hilarious birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read holiday jokes about birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article contains an extensive collection of the best birthday jokes, perfect for greeting cards, friends, and family on birthdays. Whether you're looking for birthday jokes for friends and loved ones, bad jokes for a chuckle, or birthday wishes for special occasions, you're sure to find one that's just right for you!

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Funniest Birthday Short Jokes

Short birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birthday humour may include short birth day jokes also.

  1. My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
  2. As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
  3. I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
  4. I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
  5. Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
    This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
  6. My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".
  7. My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday. I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
  8. I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
  9. My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!! It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
  10. My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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Birthday One Liners

Which birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birthday? I can suggest the ones about party and honeymoon.

  1. Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday I feel desserted
  2. What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
  3. I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday. I am now independent.
  4. I got a sweater on my birthday I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.
  5. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
  6. Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis
  7. Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
  8. I drink twice a year.... When it's my birthday, and when it isn't
  9. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
    Credit to my sister
  10. What did the fat kid get for his Birthday? Bullied
  11. I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend. Nothing beats a homemade present!
  12. A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20. We always have a joint birthday party.
  13. Birthdays are great... ... but too many of them will kill you.
  14. What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called? A bisontennial.
  15. Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.

My Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny my birthday jokes and even better my birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
  • For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
  • My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
  • A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.
  • I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday. You won't catch me doing that today.
  • I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
  • I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...
  • birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
  • Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
  • I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing

Wife Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny wife birthday jokes and even better wife birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
  • I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace. So I bought her nothing.
  • For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
  • My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday. So I got her a bathroom scale.
  • My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring". So I bought her nothing.
  • My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds... ...so I bought her a bathroom scale.
  • my wife told me i ruined her birthday. l don't know how i did it because i didn't even know it was her birthday.
  • My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it. I didn't even know it was her birthday!
  • I told my wife that I will buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday She said nothing will please her more
    So I bought her nothing instead
  • How do you remember your wife's birthday? forget it once.
Birthday joke, How do you remember your wife's birthday?

Birthday Party Jokes

Here is a list of funny birthday party jokes and even better birthday party puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
  • My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, So I made her and all her friends clean the house.
  • The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today. I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.
  • What's the Best Way To Embarrass A Psychic On Their Birthday? Throw Them A Surprise Party.
  • I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
  • The cops in my town are looking for a suspect who they are calling the birthday party thief . I've seen a lot of crazy criminals, … but this one takes the cake.
  • The animator had a birthday party. Everyone brought gifs.
  • My dad just told us that he wants his next birthday party to be exactly a minute long. It's his sixty second birthday.
  • Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party? He wanted something a little more Loki.
  • Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party? He wanted to keep it Loki

Friend Birthday Jokes

Here is a list of funny friend birthday jokes and even better friend birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday, I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  • I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... He said that it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
  • Harry was blind... ... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.
  • My smoking hot, lesbian best friends got me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misheard me when I said I wanna watch.
  • My lesbian friends just got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."
  • Blind friend and a cheese grater I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
  • My lesbian friend gave a me a Rolex for my birthday. I don't think she understood when I said: "I wanna watch."
  • For my birthday my friends got me a sweater. I would have preferred a screamer or moaner, but a sweater was fine.
  • For his birthday, I got my friend a telepathic abacus. It's the thought that counts.
  • my friends gave me dirt for my birthday I really appreciated the sediment

Birthday Card Jokes

Here is a list of funny birthday card jokes and even better birthday card puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already. I love working for the post office!
  • birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present... I didn't get you one.
  • My dad teared up after I gave him his 50th birthday card He said "One would have been enough"
  • I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
  • I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them. I love being a postman.
  • For my birthday, I got gifted a sticky deck of cards. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
  • As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he said to me: One would have been enough.
  • I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "All I want is a nice card..." "...with a $100,000 limit".
  • I heard a life tip that went; If you're ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it. The cashier wasn't amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.
  • My mum burst into tears as I placed her 50th Birthday card in her hands, she said "One really would of been enough"
Birthday joke, My mum burst into tears as I placed her 50th Birthday card in her hands, she said

Comical Birthday Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cake jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birthday pranks.

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...

But not my Sister.

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had s**... education in school today, Dad!
You lied to me!
You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"
I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".
The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.
"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".
So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I want for my birthday.

I wanted a Timex, but all I got was a black eye.

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.
A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?
Terrible, he said. They won't let me f**....

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!
(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

Water p**...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.
The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.
He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.
Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.
He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.
By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.
"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

My wife wife had s**... with a younger man yesterday

But I'll forgive her, since it's my birthday!

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Ok, l**... it is!

My son was so upset when he didn't get a gaming pc for his birthday

luckily, this playstation was able to..........console him

My lesbian neighbors got me a rolex for my birthday.

I guess they didn't realize what I meant when I said I wanna watch .

My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.

I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look s**... for her birthday.

So I bought myself a 12 pack.

Birthday joke, My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look s**... for her birthday.

jokes about birthday