Birthday Jokes

This article contains an extensive collection of the best birthday jokes, perfect for greeting cards, friends, and family on birthdays. Whether you're looking for birthday jokes for friends and loved ones, bad jokes for a chuckle, or birthday wishes for special occasions, you're sure to find one that's just right for you!

Comical Birthday Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

jokes about birthday

My wife is turning 32 soon...


I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.

What are you talking about? she asked.

I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, we say a prayer before eating in our house! The little boy replies, yeah, that's in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

Birthday joke, Little Boy Prayer

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''

Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''

Did you hear about Stevie Wonder getting a cheese grater for his birthday?

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

You can explore birthday gift reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean birthday happy birthday dad jokes. There are also birthday puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

I drink twice a year....

When it's my birthday, and when it isn't

Birthday joke, I drink twice a year....

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!

(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

"I've just had sex education in school today, Dad!

You lied to me!

You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday my boyfriend will die!"

I put down my paper: "Oh, he will sweetheart, he will.

Birthday joke, My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

What did the fat kid get for his Birthday?

Bullied

I got an iPad for my birthday from my Chinese friend.

Nothing beats a homemade present!

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday.

It was only a minute long.

My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday..

..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

During a quiet moment at a White House dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say more than two hundred words!"

Wow, that's impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean.

"Oh, I know", replied Melania, but neither does the parrot."

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Ok, LSD it is!

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,

I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead.

He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up.

By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...

...and pays for 5 lessons.

After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.

After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"

"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.

After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dad demands.

"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I want for my birthday.

I wanted a Timex, but all I got was a black eye.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

Credit to my sister

My wife wife had sex with a younger man yesterday

But I'll forgive her, since it's my birthday!

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

I got a sweater on my birthday

I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday

I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".

A man walks into a bakery with a 25lb haddock under his arm.

He asks the baker, "do you make fish cakes?".

The slightly confused baker replies that they don't.

"That's a shame", replies the man. "It's his birthday today".

Grandpa's 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he started tilting forward. This time his other son caught him and tied a pillow around his waist.

A few minutes later, his grandson arrived. He said, Hey, Grandpa! How's life treating you?

Terrible, he said. They won't let me fart.

I've open 6 birthday cards and I'm up to $150 already.

I love working for the post office!

When i have my first child I'm going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

Those presents the three wise men got baby Jesus...

...where they for Christmas or his birthday?

I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!

I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...

The world's best dentist and the world's worst pastry chef walk into a bar.

Being friends of the owner, he pours them both a drink and sits them down to catch up.

How was your birthday? He asks the dentist.

It was like pulling teeth he says with a smile.

Then the owner turns to the pastry chef.

How was your divorce?

It was as easy as pie the chef mumbles sadly.

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.

Obit

This printed in a Texas newspaper :

The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.

On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the birthday birthday bad puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working birthday birthday wishes piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes