The Best 70 Birth Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Birth jokes. There are some birth pregnant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these birth painless birth puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Birth Jokes and Puns
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?
Decaffinated
birthday card
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.
He calls it my birth certificate.
Birthdays are great...
... but too many of them will kill you.
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Birth
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
You can explore birth childbirth reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean birth pregnancies dad jokes. There are also birth puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
I was once a man stuck in a woman's body
Then my mother gave birth
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.
We need to stop this woman.
A cat gives birth in a public park...
...and is fined $50 for littering.
Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death
I don't see how anyone could be against birth control.
It's just inconceivable
What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children?
Ask your parents.
Why were birth rates low in 1970?
You can't get pregnant during '69.
A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".
So I bought her nothing.
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
What does a violin player use as birth control?
Their personality
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body...
Then my mother gave birth.
What is the best drug to have sex on?
Birth control.
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
How do mermaids give birth?
A sea section.
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?
A swallow.
It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.
Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?
Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
Missionary in the jungle
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....
we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?
They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby
...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?
He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...
...they'd even know my birth year!
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
I was a man trapped in a woman's body
Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
My best friend passed away recently..
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
My doctor says I can't get birth control
It's been a real pain in the ass
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no bloody Frenchman!"
A woman is giving birth on a boat
The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.
It's a buoy.
Did you know that during child birth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
She almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu
For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...
...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the hell have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much...
...it's because I don't have any presence.
The older woman.....
A guy walks into a bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. "My wife just gave birth to my son this morning!" he tells the bartender. "That's great!" the bartender agrees. "I know just how excited you are! My wife just gave birth to my daughter yesterday. Who knows? Maybe someday they'll grow up and marry each other." "Yeah, right," the guy says. "Like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.
My wife told me it is called a pre-natal sun burn . Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.
Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child's skin dark brown but he shouldn't feel any pain.
She told me that there's no cure for it at this time and that he will likely suffer from it for the rest of his life.
Please keep my son Tyrone in your prayers.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the birth redneck birth control jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working birth giving birth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.