He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Now it's your turn to speak.
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
She got knocked up, but she got down again.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
I find that very hard to deal with.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?"
"I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!"
"You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."
Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
We need to stop this woman.
He goes to the counter and is jotting down his personal information.
"Alright sir, can I have your full name please?"
"Pepepeter Bbbbbbbbryant"
"Excuse me, sir, are you a stutterer? "
"No, ma'am, my father was a stutterer, and the guy who made my birth certificate, an asshole".
A swallow.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
Birth control.
In case she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death
Then my mother gave birth
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Their personality
So I bought her nothing.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Birth? Well, here are the best Birth dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Birth pick up lines to share with friends.