Birth Jokes
154 birth jokes and hilarious birth puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birth that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for a good laugh? This article offers a collection of jokes about giving birth, baby birth, date of birth, labour and even triplets - guaranteed to bring smiles and laughs about all things related to childbirth.
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Funniest Birth Short Jokes
Short birth jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birth humour may include short born jokes also.
- I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate - Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted
- Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
- A friend of mine said, Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins. I said, Well, they were separated at birth.
- How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? "Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world. - My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
- It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
- My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.
- A logician has just given birth. The logicians friend asks her is it a boy or a girl?
The logician replies yes - Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
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Birth One Liners
Which birth one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birth? I can suggest the ones about baby born and hood.
- If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.
- I was a man trapped in a woman's body Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
- How do mermaids give birth? A sea section.
- I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
- Why were birth rates low in 1970? You can't get pregnant during '69.
- I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic... How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?
- If you help a cow give birth... Did you decalfeinate it?
- To all the women who gave birth today… Happy Labor Day!
- What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
- Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips… …but it's great for their calves.
- My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane! He was airborne
- Just helped a girl give birth... OP delivered.
- If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
Giving Birth Jokes
Here is a list of funny giving birth jokes and even better giving birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth
- (Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
- My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
- Why did Mary become rich after giving birth to Jesus? She made a prophet!
- Why did the cat give birth at the park? Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"
- Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth every three seconds... We've got to find that woman and stop her!!!!!!!
- Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?" "No son. Of course not"
"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!" - Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.
- What do you call it when your giving birth but there is no one there to help. Mid-wife crisis
- Husband calls 911. \- Please send an ambulance immediately. My wife is about to give birth.
\- Is THIS her first baby?
\- No, I am her husband.
Birth Control Jokes
Here is a list of funny birth control jokes and even better birth control puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
- If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
- what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
- I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control? Parents.
- My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it's because it's child-proof.
- What do Germans use for birth control? Their sense of humor
- Where do feminists buy their birth control? Goodwill clothes aisle
Gave Birth Jokes
Here is a list of funny gave birth jokes and even better gave birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
- My computer gave birth today Now I need to buy a baby monitor
- A woman gave birth to a baby with no arms, legs, body or neck. The doctor said, "Looks like it quit while it was a head."
- A dog gave birth to puppies on the side of the road... She was cited for littering.
- My mother gave birth to me on the stairs Well, I guess she's really my stepmother
- Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk? She was given a ticket for littering.
- As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
- When my wife gave birth to quintuplets it reminded me of an infomercial But wait there's more
- I was proud and surprised when my wife gave birth... But deep down, I knew she had it in her.
- Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy... 5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.
Birth Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny birth day jokes and even better birth day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is another name for a birth day? Labour day!
- What did children used to celebrate on thei r date of birth when Industrial Revolution took place? Labor day.
- Marvin Gaye and Aretha Franklin got it on in Spanish Harlem. As a result, Aretha gave birth to twin girls on the longest day of the year. What did they call them? Solsticetas
- Q: Why do blondes take birth control pills?
A: So they know what day of the week it is. - I woke up, did my tax return, aced my exam, right before going into labor and giving birth It was a reproductive day.
- I finally gave birth today... Out of all of these 280 days of being pregnant, today was definitely the most productive.
- Popular scientific opinion about food is like sunshine Cold today, super hot tomorrow, known to the state of California to cause cancer and/or birth defects the day after tomorrow.
- My cousin is most likely going to give birth tomorrow. I guess it really is Labor Day.
- My cake day went like my birth day, unnoticed.
- What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.
Baby Birth Jokes
Here is a list of funny baby birth jokes and even better baby birth puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two babys at the birth ward... ...one baby says to the other."i'm a boy" to with the other reply:"how do you know?". the first baby pulls the blanket to the side and says:"look i got blue socks on"
- The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice. I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
... - What method is used to give birth to baby pirate? Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh
- Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane? The baby was air-born.
- Birth of Jesus
Mary: the King of Kings!
Wise men: the Lord and Saviour!
Joseph: who's white baby is this? - There were some complications with the birth of Micheal Phelps' baby... Every time they brought him out he'd do a flip-turn and go back in.
- What ever happened to dead baby jokes? They all seem to have died off soon after their birth.
- A woman gave birth in a Barnes & Noble. Out of habit, the parents looked over the newborn baby, then went home and bought a cheaper baby on Amazon
- Did you hear about the woman who went into labor at the docks and had a 15lb baby? It was a wide birth.
- I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants She had the sweetest little baby.
Hilarious Birth Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about birth you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean death jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birth pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
A husband, so proud...
....of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of 6" rather than by her first name. The wife was amused at first.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of 6, get me a beer!" This type of situation rose to a boiling point.
Finally, while at a party with her husband, he jokingly said, "Hey mother of 6, it's time to go!"
The wife shouted, "I'll be right with you - father of 4!"
[found this scrolling through YouTube Comments]
A married couple is having a baby...
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a waiting room while their wives are giving birth...
The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "That's funny," he said," I work for Double Tree. Later on the nurse came out again and said to the second father, saying, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets!" The man responded, "That's funny, I work for 3M. The third man started b**... his head against the wall, yelling. When they asked him what was wrong, he responded, "I work for 7 Up!"
birthday card
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.
Why are birthdays good for you?
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Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.
Black sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.
Birthdays are great...
... but too many of them will kill you.
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
Denise and WHAT?!
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)
The cake jumps out of the girl.
A Pregnant women gets in a car wreck....
...and fell into a coma. When she awoke a few days later, she noticed that she wasn't carrying a child, and asked the doctor, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!?"
The doctor replies, "It's all okay. You gave birth to beautiful twins, a boy and a girl. But we needed someone to name them, so your brother came in and gave them their names."
The woman is surprised. "No, not my brother! He's not the smartest guy in the world."
"Well ma'am, he named your daughter Denise," the doctor said.
"Oh, that's not too bad. What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
The Albino and the Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do hipsters use for birth control?
Their personalities
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unlike Jesus, I did not have a v**... birth
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a v**... death
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Jim's birthday
Jim's wife treats her man by taking him to a s**... Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Jimmy, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Jimmy says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jimmy says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Jimmy with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
My favourite joke ever
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts
I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the best drug to have s**... on?
Birth control.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?
A s**....
Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?
Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... in the jungle
A m**... lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The m**... hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be s**...! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...
...they'd even know my birth year!
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any s**... with a Y chromosome.
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For his birthday, an old man's nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she's standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, I'm here to give you super s**....
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, I guess I'll have the soup.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not p**... your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having s**.... At age 30, success is having money...
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having s**....
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not p**... your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The p**... that gave birth
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got an old joke from my teacher.
A nurse was walking past a mother who recently gave birth to a son.
"Congratulations, your son's pretty handsome!" the nurse said to the mother.
Mother: "Thank you. Do you always say this to all parents?"
Nurse: "No, I only say it when I really think so."
Mother: "So what do you say to the ugly ones?"
Nurse: "Oh, I just tell them: Congratulations, they look just like you!"
A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.
He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"
For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.
He's in for a rude awakening.
For his birthday, I got my friend a telepathic abacus.
It's the thought that counts.
birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...
I didn't get you one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.
After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."
The Englishman suddenly grabs the darkest baby and sprints towards the door.
The doctor shouts: "Sir! What are you doing!!!?"
The Englishman as he's getting farther: "I'm not raising no b**... Frenchman!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For son's birthday, Dad buys him a bass guitar...
...and pays for 5 lessons.
After the first lesson, the boy gets home and Dad asks "What did you learn today?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the E string." the son says proudly.
After the second lesson, the dad asks "What did you learn this time?"
"I learned the first 5 notes on the A string." the boy says.
After the third lesson, the Dad waits at home for what seems like hours. Around 2am, the son finally comes home, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes.
"Where the h**... have you been?" Dad demands.
"Sorry dad, I had a gig!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of b**... in the family than a lawyer".
My birthday is on 9/11
60 more days to go
I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..
In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."
I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"
A old man as a pet mongoose who gives birth.
Deciding he can't look after the mongoose and the pup he decides to donate them to the zoo and writes a letter to explain.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate two ~~mongooses~~ ~~mongeeses~~ ~~mongi~~
.
.
.
Dear zoo,
I would like to donate one mongoose.
PS here is another.
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What hurts the worst?
A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the b**...?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a woman endures during birth." "Pure logic," the bartender replies. "You never see a man deciding two years later to go out and get kicked in the b**... again ..."
The consultant dies and goes to heaven
When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:
'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'
'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'
'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.
'We added up your time sheets', Peter said.'
After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.
A county official noticed an increase in the town's birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it's too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…
