Birth Jokes

Following is our collection of childbirth puns and pregnant one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Birth jokes for adults, dirty pregnancies jokes and clean painless birth dad gags for kids.

The Best Birth Puns

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.


My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.



"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

My wife recently gave birth to our first child. After birth I asked the doctor when could we have sex.

He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"


Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy

birthday card

As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

Denise and WHAT?!

A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.

"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."

"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"

"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.

Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"

"Danephew."

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby.

We need to stop this woman.

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.


A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.

Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?

Doctor: Denise.

Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?

Doctor: Denephew.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.

I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.

Have you tried birth control?

I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!

Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!

Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?

I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body

Then my mother gave birth

How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?

"Sea-section"

Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

Birth

A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A married couple is having a baby...

As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring".

So I bought her nothing.

I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body...

Then my mother gave birth.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

I was a man trapped in a woman's body

Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, just visiting"

A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.

Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.

The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!

The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.

Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!

Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......

A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby

...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

I don't see how anyone could be against birth control.

It's just inconceivable

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.

The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls.

All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy my prayer worked.

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children?

Ask your parents.

Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.

It's called sonblock.



First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.

A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered

"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.

"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

You can't get pregnant during '69.

Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed)

The cake jumps out of the girl.

A young woman is at her doctor's appointment...

...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.

"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.

"What!? You've got to be..."

She pauses for a moment.

"...Kid-in-me."

----

After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"

The woman says "It was totally birth it."

Why does japan have such a Low birth rate?

Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died

There is an abundance of redneck birth control jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 64 funniest jokes and birth puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any giving birth witze you can hear about birth.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes