Following is our collection of childbirth puns and pregnant one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Birth jokes for adults, dirty pregnancies jokes and clean painless birth dad gags for kids.
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
I find that very hard to deal with.
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
We need to stop this woman.
A swallow.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
...they'd even know my birth year!
Birth control.
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death
Then my mother gave birth
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Their personality
So I bought her nothing.
Then my mother gave birth.
"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
...and is fined $50 for littering.
Decaffinated
Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
A trip without the kids
He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......
...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
He calls it my birth certificate.
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
... but too many of them will kill you.
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
A sea section.
It's just inconceivable
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Ask your parents.
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
You can't get pregnant during '69.
The cake jumps out of the girl.
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died
There is an abundance of redneck birth control jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 64 funniest jokes and birth puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any giving birth witze you can hear about birth.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.