Following is our collection of funniest Birth jokes. There are some birth pregnant jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these birth painless birth puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
As she is going into labor, the doctor asks the man, "would you like to take part in this new technology that allows half the pain of the pregnancy to be put on to the father." The husband accepts, and they go on with the birth. Afterwards they ask him how he felt, he replied, "I didn't feel anything I don't understand what the big deal is about this. Later that day, they find the postman dead at their house.
Decaffinated
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
He calls it my birth certificate.
... but too many of them will kill you.
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
A woman falls into a coma as she is giving birth. When she wakes up a few weeks later, the doctor greets her with some news.
"Congratulations! You had twins; a boy and a girl. Since you were in a coma, we gave your brother the liberty of naming your children."
"What did he name them?" she worriedly asked, "he isn't very bright!"
"Your daughter is Denise," replied the doctor.
Slightly relieved she says, "That's not so bad! And the boy?"
"Danephew."
You can explore birth childbirth reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean birth pregnancies dad jokes. There are also birth puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The cake jumps out of the girl.
A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."
All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.
...When the doctor returns, after having run some tests.
"Ma'am," He says, "I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant." The woman appears shocked.
"What!? You've got to be..."
She pauses for a moment.
"...Kid-in-me."
----
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
Then my mother gave birth
We need to stop this woman.
...and is fined $50 for littering.
It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death
It's just inconceivable
Ask your parents.
You can't get pregnant during '69.
After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so stupid! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
So I bought her nothing.
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter sexually active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
(Sorry if repost, I did a search)
A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"
Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."
Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."
"What do you say when they're ugly?"
"He looks just like his mother!"
Their personality
So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger".
The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?"
"Its dead", the midwife says.
Then my mother gave birth.
Birth control.
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
A sea section.
A swallow.
Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.
Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
He said that his shift ends in 30 minutes.
They don't like Fat Man and Little Boy
...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......
I find that very hard to deal with.
A trip without the kids
Because the last time they saw a little boy, 90000 people died
Have you tried condoms? Asks the Dr.
I did, and it resulted in 3 kids! said the man.
Have you tried birth control?
I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!
Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?
I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
...they'd even know my birth year!
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.
Grieving before his grave I said,
Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?
A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy my prayer worked.
You should have seen her face light up when she opened it
Boy: When is your birthday?
Girl: March 1st.
Boy (Marches around the room): When is your birthday?
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.
"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."
"Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks.
"No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.
My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.
In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.
up for adoption
It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.
Friend: "What are you going to give your mother-in-law for her birthday?"
Me: "Her son back!"
Husband: I know what we should name him.
Wife: What?
Husband: 'Setting a house on fire'
Wife: What? Why?
Husband: Because he is arson.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the birth redneck birth control jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working birth giving birth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.