Birth Control Jokes
136 birth control jokes and hilarious birth control puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birth control that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Birth Control Short Jokes
Short birth control jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birth control humour may include short contraceptive jokes also.
- My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
- If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
- I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it's because it's child-proof.
- The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble.
You put it into your shoe.
It makes you limp. - Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control Because it only blocks the sons
- Have you guys heard about this new birth control method? It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.
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Birth Control One Liners
Which birth control one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birth control? I can suggest the ones about abortion and medication.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
- What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
- If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
- what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
- What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control? Parents.
- What do Germans use for birth control? Their sense of humor
- Where do feminists buy their birth control? Goodwill clothes aisle
- How is the south dealing with birth control They are banning family reunions
- What type of tree doesn't need to worry about birth control? A rubber tree.
- What do Republicans use for birth control? Their personality.
- What do accountants use for birth control? Their personality.
- The best birth control Put a rock in your shoe, it'll make ya limp
- One year I was asked to be poster boy for birth control.
- What did the banker use for birth control? His personality
Birth Control Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about birth control you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pregnancy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birth control pranks.
Q: Why do blondes take birth control pills?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
A fourth grade teacher asks the class, "Have any of you ever saved somebody's life?" A little boy raises his hand, "Yes, my little nephew's."
"Wow, what a little hero you are! How did you do that, sweetie?" asks the teacher. The little guy replies, "I hid my sister's birth control pills!"
You should be in commercials for birth control.
An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest c**... factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those s**... Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a c**... company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the c**... company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
What's the least effective form of birth control?
"See honey? Most of it spills right out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Birth control
A r**... took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter s**... active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the r**..., "she just lays there like her mother".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
new form of birth control discovered...
legitimate r**...
I was fired from work at school...
So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.
Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Condoms!
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest c**... factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of t**.... "I need a favor....you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of t**.... "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Personality.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request
Mr President, we need help. Our largest c**... factory has exploded, the Russian President explained. My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!
Vladimir, said Obama, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.
We do need your help, said Putin.
Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over? No problem, I'm on it, said Obama.
Oh, and one more small favour, please? said Putin. Yes? said Obama.
Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?
No problem, replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. I need a favour, you've got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.
Consider it done, said the CEO of Durex.
Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.
Easily done. Anything else?
Yes, says Obama. Print 'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's for the birds...
What kind of bird represents peace? The pure white (Dove)
What kind of bird represents wisdom? The wise old (Owl)
What kind of bird represents birth control? Sound of gagging. (the s**...)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me this gem the other day
A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is s**... active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."
What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...
He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."
Male Birth Control.
....Because its easier to unload the gun than shooting at a bulletproof vest.
What's the best gotten of birth control
Abortions
Did you know that birth control was invented by a Mexican?
Neither do they.
My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning.
It looks like it almost did it's job.
What is your preferred type of birth control?
"Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."
Birth Control
My wife and I had seven kids. We tried using birth control pills, but they kept falling out.
What's the cheapest form of birth control?
Casey Anthony
Want to know a 100% effective form of birth control?
Abortion 0_o
What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.?
The Contrasection.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do hipsters use for birth control?
Their personalities
A woman at the store.
Today I saw a woman at the store. She was buying both diapers and birth control. I just had to ask her out, because I love a woman that learns from her mistakes.
TIL why Conservatives don't use birth control.
Boys don't get pregnant.
Why does birth control fail?
Because she wanted it to.
Birth Control
It's like direct deposit without the interest
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...
This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is birth control required for grammatical s**...?
Otherwise, it won't end with a period.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient?
They are their own birth control
Just started using Pokemon Go as birth control.
It's super effective!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Birth Control
A r**... in the deep south calls a number he found on a flyer for cheap home vasectomies.
A man on the other side of the line informs him that the procedure is very simple. So simple in fact he can do it on his own.
All he needs is a beer can, a cherry bomb (little firecracker) and to count to 10 whilst standing in the garden.
So the r**... empties the can, lights the cherry bomb and drops it in.
Holding the can in his left hand he starts counting on his fingers.
And then placing the can between his thighs he continues to count on the other hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend stopped being my toaster strudel today...
Now that she's on birth control, she became my t**...!
I love it when a girl takes control.
Birth control specifically.
Grandma and her birth control pills
Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the doctor. Grandma said, "yes, but I need them so I can get a good night's sleep."
The doctor said, "there's nothing in these pills which would cause you to sleep." Grandma said, "that may well be, but, when I take one and grind it up in my 16-year-old granddaughter's orange juice, I sleep better at night."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Learn from your parents mistakes...
Use birth control
What did the female Roman physicist call her birth control?
Anti-mater.
Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.
It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.
What's an engineer's best form of birth control?
His personality.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...
But who's smart-a**... idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They should make birth control for men
Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
What's the most effective birth control?
Bleach
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I must confess that I was stung by a WASP!
She had a thin waist and this little black ring, but she didn't say it was birth control until after s**...!
What am I going to tell my pastor?!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call mentholated birth control?
A c**... mint.
With all sorts of new products out there, did you know the most effective form of birth control has been almost completely unchanged for over twenty years?
Fake names.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the best drug to have s**... on?
Birth control.
I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!
It's called 'not having a girlfriend'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?
A s**....
Dating has been really tough since the accident
With the birth control.
Best Method Of Birth Control?
Just beat around the bush
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."
What did the yogic veterinarian say when asked for birth control?
Namaspay
Condoms are not a 100% effective method of birth control
Or so my Dad told me
What's it called when a woman's birth control impairs her driving and leads to her arrest?
An IUDUI.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists
With trying to make abortions i**..., get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.
Do Christian rock bands still bang groupies?
Yes, they just don't use birth control.
My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.
I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...
The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."
A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."