Birth Control Jokes
145 birth control jokes and hilarious birth control puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about birth control that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Birth Control Short Jokes
Short birth control jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The birth control humour may include short contraceptive jokes also.
- My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.
- Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities
- When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.
- If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
- I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- A biologist gives birth ........... A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.
- My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it's because it's child-proof.
- The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble.
You put it into your shoe.
It makes you limp. - Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control Because it only blocks the sons
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Birth Control One Liners
Which birth control one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with birth control? I can suggest the ones about abortion and medication.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable
- What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.
- What do hipsters use for birth control? Their personalities
- If contraception is birth control... ... abortion is birth control-alt-delete.
- what does t'chala use as birth control ? wakondoms
- What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control? Parents
- What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control? Parents.
- What do Germans use for birth control? Their sense of humor
- Where do feminists buy their birth control? Goodwill clothes aisle
- What do feminists use for birth control? Their personality.
- How is the south dealing with birth control They are banning family reunions
- What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out? Parents
- What type of tree doesn't need to worry about birth control? A rubber tree.
- What do Republicans use for birth control? Their personality.
Birth Control Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about birth control you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pregnancy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make birth control pranks.
Q: Why do blondes take birth control pills?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."
Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
What's the least effective form of birth control?
"See honey? Most of it spills right out!"
r**... Birth control
A r**... took his daughter to the Gynocologist.
They waited in the Doctor's office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: "Well, what are we here for today"?
The father answered: "to get my daughter on birth control, Doc".
"Well, is your daughter s**... active?", asked the Doctor.
"No", answered the r**..., "she just lays there like her mother".
A man takes his daughter to the doctor
A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor and asks him to put her in birth control.
Concerned, the doctor replied, "I think she's a bit young to be s**... active.."
The father replies, "Well I wouldn't exactly call her *active*. She mostly just lies there."
I was fired from work at school...
So, due to a minor defect at birth, I was born with Strabismus, and up until last Friday, I was happy performing my duties as a teacher.
Unfortunately, I was fired. My boss told me he couldn't have a teacher in his school that couldn't control his pupils.
A man goes to see his doctor.
Man: Doc, I need to get some birth control for my daughter.
Doctor: Is she s**... active?
Man: No. She just lays there like her mother.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Personality.
The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request
Mr President, we need help. Our largest c**... factory has exploded, the Russian President explained. My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!
Vladimir, said Obama, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.
We do need your help, said Putin.
Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over? No problem, I'm on it, said Obama.
Oh, and one more small favour, please? said Putin. Yes? said Obama.
Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?
No problem, replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. I need a favour, you've got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.
Consider it done, said the CEO of Durex.
Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.
Easily done. Anything else?
Yes, says Obama. Print 'MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one.
It's for the birds...
What kind of bird represents peace? The pure white (Dove)
What kind of bird represents wisdom? The wise old (Owl)
What kind of bird represents birth control? Sound of gagging. (the s**...)
My friend told me this gem the other day
A man walks into a doctor's office with his 8 year-old daughter. Looking at the nurse he asks "Excuse me, miss? I need to see someone about getting my daughter on birth control."
The nurse replies, "My god! Your daughter is s**... active?"
"Nah, she just lays there like her Mom."
Man walks into a pharmacy . . .
. . . and asks the pharmacist for birth control for his twelve-year old daughter. The pharmacist looks shocked and asks incredulously, "Your TWELVE year-old daughter is s**... active?!" The man responds emphatically, "Hmmph, I wish! She mostly just lays there and cries."
What did the banker use for birth control?
His personality
What do you get when you cross a hit of acid with a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids.
A man asks the pharmacist for birth control for his 11-year old daughter.
Shocked the pharmacist asks, "11-years old! Is she even s**... active?"
The dad shakes his head saying, "No, she just lays there like her mother."
A man from Oklahoma takes his daughter to the gynecologist...
He tells the doctor that he'd like to put her on birth-control pills. The doctor asks him how old she is.
"She's thirteen." the man says.
The doctor is somewhat startled, "That's seems a bit young, is she s**... active?"
The man replies, "Naw... she jus' lays there like 'er mother."
So a guy goes to the doctor...
Doctor: "What can i help you with today?"
Guy: "I need to get some birth control for my daughter."
Doctor:" Well, is your daughter s**... active?"
Guy: "No, she just lays there."
A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy
And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is s**... active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"
My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning.
It looks like it almost did it's job.
What is your preferred type of birth control?
"Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."
Have you heard of the new birth control for men?
put a rock in your shoe and it will make you limp
Birth Control
My wife and I had seven kids. We tried using birth control pills, but they kept falling out.
What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control?
Grandparents.
Want to know a 100% effective form of birth control?
Abortion 0_o
What do you call that part of the pharmacy where they keep the condoms, birth-control pills, etc.?
The Contrasection.
A man takes his 11 year old daughter to the doctor to put her on birth control
Doctor: 11 years old, is she s**... active?!?
Father: na, she mostly lays there and cries..
The best birth control
Put a rock in your shoe, it'll make ya limp
A woman at the store.
Today I saw a woman at the store. She was buying both diapers and birth control. I just had to ask her out, because I love a woman that learns from her mistakes.
Study Finds Birth Control Pills Linked to Fewer Severe Knee Injuries in Teen Girls...
This is easily explained by the fact that they spend less time on their knees, and more time on their backs.
Why is birth control required for grammatical s**...?
Otherwise, it won't end with a period.
A new type of male birth control has been made that is placed in one shoe of men.
It makes them limp.
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
Just started using Pokemon Go as birth control.
It's super effective!
A father walks into a pharmacy...
... goes to the counter and asks the pharmacist about getting birth control for his 11 year old daughter. "My god, your 11 year old is s**... active!" The pharmacist exclaims. The dad replies, "not really, she just lies there and cries."
My girlfriend stopped being my toaster strudel today...
Now that she's on birth control, she became my t**...!
A man from tennessee takes his daughter to the doctor and tells the doctor his daughter need birth control.
The doctor asks, "How old is she?"
He replies, "15."
"And she's s**... active," the doctor asks.
The man replies, "Naw, she just lays there like her mother."
I love it when a girl takes control.
Birth control specifically.
Why did my girlfriend go on birth control?
Because I wanted her to be a t**... and not a toaster strudel.
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
Learn from your parents mistakes...
Use birth control
What did the female Roman physicist call her birth control?
Anti-mater.
Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East.
It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.
What's an engineer's best form of birth control?
His personality.
I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work...
But who's smart-a**... idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?
They should make birth control for men
Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
What do you call mentholated birth control?
A c**... mint.
With all sorts of new products out there, did you know the most effective form of birth control has been almost completely unchanged for over twenty years?
Fake names.
Daughter
A middle aged man takes his 14 year old daughter to the doctor.
"And what do we need today young lady?" The doctor asks.
The father answers for her "She needs to start birth control".
The doctor gasps "She's s**... active at 14!?"
The father replies "Nope, she just lays there, just like her mother.
What is the best drug to have s**... on?
Birth control.
I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method!
It's called 'not having a girlfriend'
If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?
A s**....
There's a new form of birth control that you put in your shoe...
It makes you limp.
TIL girls can use asprin as low cost birth control
If they hold it with their knees.
Best Method Of Birth Control?
Just beat around the bush
A man brings his 12 year old daughter to the doctor.
He tells the doctor he needs birth control for his daughter.
Raising his eyebrows the doctor replies "Is your daughter s**... active?"
The man replies, "s**... active? No. She usually just lays there and cries."
My wife said I'm lucky because I don't have to deal with women issues; periods, birth control, menopause...
Yeah, but you get to live longer.
What did the yogic veterinarian say when asked for birth control?
Namaspay
Condoms are not a 100% effective method of birth control
Or so my Dad told me
What's it called when a woman's birth control impairs her driving and leads to her arrest?
An IUDUI.
It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists
With trying to make abortions i**..., get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.
Do Christian rock bands still bang groupies?
Yes, they just don't use birth control.
My doctor asked me what I am using for birth control.
I told him my personality. It's 100% effective.
A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...
The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you s**... active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"
Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you weren't s**... active?" The blonde responded, "I'm not. I just lie there."
A man takes his nine year old daughter to the doctor.
After several hours in the waiting room, they're called in.
"Hello," the doctor says. "How can I help you?"
The man nods, "It"s my daughter, I was wondering if you could put her on birth control."
"Birth control?" the doctor is incredulous. "She"s too young to be s**... active!"
"s**... active?" the father says, "She just lies there like her mother!"
A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day.
While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around today. The teen says, "Gramps, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with too many kids when you were young did they?" The grandfather replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."