The Best 67 Birds Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Birds jokes. There are some birds toucan jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these birds hummingbirds puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Birds Jokes and Puns
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 sucking it, 1 licking it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one sucking it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
The birds and the bees
A little girl came home from school quite confused after her first sex-ed class, and asked her mother to explain.
"Well," said her mother, quite embarrassed, "There are birds and there are bees..."
"That's what I don't understand! Don't birds eat bees?"
Her father piped up from the next room, "That's lesson two!"
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
I'm going out with two anorexic girls,
Two birds, one stone
Theres a new STD for birds..
It's called Chirpes.
And the worst part?
Its untweetable.
Two birds are sat on a perch.
Two birds are sat on a perch.
One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
little Johnny
Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Finger Licking Good
Little Timmy was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Timmy, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Timmy, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Timmy says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Timmy, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
My grandpa always told me to take every opportunity to hit two birds with one stone.
He hated birds. [](/celestlol)
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
The Answer Is Four (Teacher Joke)
Little Johnny was in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question…
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?
None, replied Johnny. The rest would fly away.
Well, the answer is actually four, said the teacher. But I do like the way you're thinking.
Little Johnny quickly replies… Well, I have a question for you… Say you spot three women eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, the second is biting her cone and the third is sucking her cone. Which one of these women is married?
Well, says the teacher nervously, I guess I'd say the one sucking the cone.
No, says Little Johnny. The one with the wedding ring on her finger is married. But I like the way you're thinking.
You can explore birds migrate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean birds ornithology dad jokes. There are also birds puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A little Johnny...
One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny's dad asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees...
Little Johnny claps his hands over his ears and says, "I don't wanna hear anymore! First you tell me there's no Santa Claus, and then there's no Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either. If you're about to tell me grown ups don't have sex, I got nothin' to believe in anymore!"
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"
Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"
I told my son about the birds and the bees.
He then told me about the postman and my wife.
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Little Johnny is in class...
The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"
Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly licking the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.
Do you know why one side is longer than the other when birds fly in a "V" formation?
Because there are more birds on that side.
We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.
Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark
What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.
He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.
The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.
Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.
Little Johnny and the Birds and the Bees
Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?
Throw it twice.
What's the difference between a crow and a raven?
All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.
I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food
I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2kilo mocking birds.
Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?
The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What kind of birds always stick together?
Velcrows
Why don't birds study for tests?
They like to wing it
A group of fish is a school. A group of birds is a flock. A group of wolves is a pack. What do you call a group of Trump supporters?
A klan
I dated a couple of anorexic girls once.
Two birds, one stone.
Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?
It's called Chirpes.
It's a canerial disease.
It's untweetable.
How much soda should tropical birds drink?
Two cans
How is a thrown dictionary similar to birds flying south for winter?
They're both flying information.
Walking through the park one morning, I saw an old man feeding the birds. After a few minutes of watching him, I began to wonder...
...how long has he been dead?
What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-Crows
I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...
"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
Imagine how someone from a thousand years ago would respond if you told them that in the future there will be giant metal birds that fly people around the world?
Don't you mean across?
What weighs more, a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?
The feathers, cause you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They've left no tern unstoned
Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.
"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."
"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"
One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees
"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"
They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the worm welcome
God: *creates birds*
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
I always wondered why bird flying in V formation would have one side longer than the other...
Turns out it's because there are more birds on that side.
Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds.
Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned.
Why do cops hate sick birds?
Because they're ill eagles.
If you see a bunch of big black birds
Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.
You can't have a murder without probable caws.
Guy: I am great at indentifying birds
Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.
If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..
Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?
How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ideally three but toucan.
Just saw a heap of black birds stuck together.
They were velcrows
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book. He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water"
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.
A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.
The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.
The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. The periodicity. The reflections. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is aslo over his head. He drowns.
The chemist is sitting on the beach making notes in his lab book.
He writes, "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."
The effect of pot on shore birds...
On the beach yesterday I saw a researcher blowing clouds of pot smoke on shore birds to study the effects of marijuana on their flying. He was very thorough, making sure he dosed every single one he saw.
It was his intention to leave no tern unstoned.
My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
Why do birds always congregate on power wires?
So they can hang out with their friends online.
Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?
Swallows...
I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...
But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.
Why don't birds prepare for speeches?
They like to wing it.
Christmas cracker joke: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because they can't afford the train!
Sorry, but I'm eating alone this Christmas and have no one here to tell it to.
Why don't birds were underpants?
Because their peckers are on their faces.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the birds chicks jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working birds stupid bird piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.