The Best 86 Billy Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Billy jokes. There are some billy mother jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these billy silly billy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Billy Jokes and Puns

A teacher asked in class: How is your dad?

A kid sits up and tries to answer: My dad is a legend for me!
- Why, Billy? asked the teacher.
- Because he doesn't exist!

Desperately trying to recall this joke

Many eons ago Billy Crystal told a joke on Letterman involving an old Jewish guy arguing with a younger guy. They go back and forth until finally the young guy says something that proves the old guy's point and the old guy says, "Ah-haaah!" in a Yiddish voice.

Anybody remember that joke? It's been driving me nuts for years.

Poor ol' Billy Smith

Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"

I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."

"So?"

"So, I usually punch him when I see him."

Billy joke, Poor ol' Billy Smith

Little Billy had been blind since birth...

...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."

So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.


New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Billy joke, Two small boys meet on the first day of school

Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have sex with the mailman for million dollars.

The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have sex with the mailman.

Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have sex with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores.

Hey billy jokes?

Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.

One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"

"No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore"

A boy asked his father...

"Dad, what's the difference between confidence, and confidential?"
The father thinks for a moment and says, "You are my son, and that I am confident of. Your friend billy is also my son but that's confidential."

If Billy Mays were a farmer...

And he ran a really good corn maze during the spring, it would be called the "Amazing May Mays Maize Maze."

You can explore billy bobby reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean billy kid dad jokes. There are also billy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells...

"Billy, stop playing with your food!"

What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?

BILLY MAYS HERE!

Little Billy and Sarah are two finalists at the spelling bee...

Sarah is up first.

Prompter: Sarah, your word is dumb. Please spell it and use it in a sentence.

Sarah: D-U-M-B dumb. Billy is dumb.

Prompter: Good, now spell stupid

Sarah: S-T-U-P-I-D stupid. Billy is stupid.

Prompter: Correct, now Billy, spell dictate

Billy: D-I-C-T-A-T-E dictate. Sarah might say I'm dumb and stupid, but she also say my dic-tate good.

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Billy and his dad.

Billy's dad walks into his room and says "Billy, if you don't stop masturbating you're going to go blind."
To which Billy replies, "Hey Dad, I'm over here!"

Billy joke, Billy and his dad.

Robin Hood

The teacher asked "Who can tell me the name of Robin Hood's love?". Little Billy raised his hand and said "It's Trudy Glen miss". The teacher says "No that's not right Billy, the correct answer is Maid Marian." Billy says: "That's not true miss. In the song it says.. Robin Hood Robin Hood Riding Trudy Glen"

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

Billy

Billy was a chemist's son/
But now he is no more/
'Cos what he thought was H20/
Was H2So4.


Little Billy came home early from school to find his mom naked, just getting out of the shower...

"Hey mom, what's that bushy thing between your legs?" he asked. "Oh that's just my sponge," his mom replied. A few days later Billy had a friend over, "mom, show Tommy your sponge." Billy's mom replies, "oh, I can't, I seem to have misplaced it." Billy says "oh I'll go ask the babysitter where she put it, I saw her cleaning daddy's face with it the other day."

My dad's better than your dad...

Three kids are in an agruement about who's dad is better.

"My dad's a fireman" said Billy.

"My dad's a marine!" said Johnny.

"My dad's invisible." said Brian.

What happened when Billy Mays's ghost floated into the rave?

Everyone started partying like it was $19.99.

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day came. He went to the audition room and started to play, but no sound would come out. The organ was broken. The judge immediately arranged for another organ. As Billy began to play, the organ also creaked and then ceased to make a sound. The judge arranged for yet another organ for Billy, but that one broke down as well. The judge suddenly collapsed to the ground.

At the hospital, the doctors pronounced the judge dead and performed an autopsy.

"The cause of death appears to be multiple organ failure."

Fascinate

Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?

Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.

Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?

Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.

Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".

Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!

Why did Billy take a ruler to bed with him?

To see how long he slept.

...

...

...

...

I'll let myself out.

So a teacher was lecturing his student...

Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!

Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

Billy was sleeping in his room

Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.

Billy asked ''Who are you?''

The man responded with "I'm you from the future"

Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.

He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"

The older Billy locked the door and said "A paedophile"

Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Mathβ€”she's one of the greats.

That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistryβ€”she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.

Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

"Alright kids, I just got off the phone. Now, raise your hands if your parents are still alive!"

"Not so fast, Billy."

Scientist have found a rare mutation in some goats...

It's called the Billy gene and causes them to believe that the kid is not their son.

Jack, do you think i'm a bad mother?

My name is Billy.

How do you give a hill billy a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Rest in Peace Billy Mays.

He partied like it was $19.95.

Billy and Tommy are in a classroom

Billy gets up to go ask the teacher a question, when he runs into Tommy along the way.

Billy: What are you going up to ask?

Tommy: I wanted to know what the word coincidence means.

Billy: Wow that's funny, I was just about to go ask the same question.

3 Men go to heaven...

God: What would you like everyone to say at your funeral Billy?
Billy: That "I was a great father and caring husband of a beautiful wife."
God: ok, what about you George?
George: That "I was a great doctor and have saved many lives."
God: Alright, what about you Timmy?
Timmy: I want them to say: "Hey look! He's MOVING!"

What did Billy Mays do on 12/31/1998

Partied like it's 19.99!

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.

Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Why did Billy drop his ice cream

He got run over by the ice-cream truck.

The woman in the store

A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.

Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?

The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"

TIL Billy Mays had an IQ of 63

Would that make him an OxiMoron?

One day, Billy was playing at home with some matches.

Even though his mother had told him not to. He accidentally set the house on fire, and he and his mother fled outside. As the house was burning down, his enraged mother said,

"Boy, your dad is going to spank you when he gets home".

But Billy just laughed; he knew his dad had come home early for a nap.

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!

He hanged himself in the basement!

NSFW Billy is late for the class

Teacher : Why are you late Billy ?

Billy : Ma'am, I had to take the cows to our neighbour's ranch for insemination.

Teacher : Can't your father do it ?

Billy : He can. But neighbor's bulls do it better.

A woman from the ghetto is in the grocery store with a whole crew of kids...

She yells out, "Billy!" and nine boys come running and line up by the door.

A passer-by laughs to himself and asks, "Did you name all your sons Billy?"

"Yup. Makes calling them for dinner a lot easier."

"What happens when you only need to talk to one of them?"

"Then I just call them by their last name."

Billy Joel's house has burned down. apparently due to a faulty game console.

Investigators say the fire was caused by a faulty game console. However, Mr Joel has claimed that Wii didn't start the fire.

A father gets a phone call from his son's teacher

A father is at work when he gets a call from his son's teacher.
"Hello Mr. Johnson, I was in the middle of a lecture today when your son just got up and left the room without a word. I'm very worried about him, is he alright?"

The father just laughed and said "oh you have nothing to worry about, Billy has been sleepwalking since he was 5 years old!"

Bobby told Billy he stopped a stampede.

That was the biggest bunch of bull he ever herd.

Billy makes faces at the other students

After seeing Billy make faces, Ms Smith stopped to tell Billy off. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was young, I was told if that I made ugly faces, I would stay like that when the wind changes." Billy looked up and said, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

Billy's father picked him up from school. He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.

Billy replied, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."

A curious son notices a change in the U.S flag's position and decides to ask his mom

Son: Mom, why is the flag at the top of the pole today?

Mom: Because there hasn't been a mass shooting all week Billy.

Two rednecks are talking about their sex lives.

"Ma first time was with ma sister and ma cousin!" Billy Joel Cletus exclaims proudly. "What?! Yer first time was a threesome?" Bobby Floyd-Wilson asks. "Nope," says Billy.

Billy asks his mate Paddy what is quickest way from Dublin to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you going on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

A blond man walks into a bar

He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.

"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"

She says, "I'm Amanda."

The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

Teacher: "Billy, can you use the word 'contagious' in a sentence?"

Billy: "My dad said it will take that contagious to fix the fence."

The Sunday School teacher was explaining Sodom and Gomorrah.

TEACHER: "And God told Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city, but not to look back. But Lot's wife looked back, and turned into a pillar of salt."

The children were obviously shocked. One tentatively raised his hand.

TEACHER: "Yes, Billy?"

BILLY: "But what happened to the flea?"

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

Dad and his son Billy, age 5, had a conversation. Dad: Billy listen. Your mother and I have decided that we can't live together anymore.

Billy: But papa, where will mommy live??

Dad: She'll still live here.

Billy: Oh papa I will miss you.

Dad: I will miss you too Billy. Now pack up your stuff you got 15minutes to get the f\*\*k out.

Why did Billy die by friendly fire in war?

Because when the enemies were spotted, the commander ordered everybody on the battlefield to fire at will.

Daddy, can we go see the clowns again?

For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again.

The class is learning about the holocaust, when the teacher asks if anyone's grandparents died in the deathcamps. Little Billy puts his hand up.

"Oh... Class, let us hold a minute of silence for him. If it is not too indiscreet, how did he die?"

"Fell off a watchtower."

An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital

Billy asks Tommy why he's there.

Tommy says, To get my tonsils removed.

Billy says, Oh don't worry, it's not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.

Tommy then asks Billy, Why are you here?

Billy says, For a circumcision.

Tommy says, Oh boy, that's sucks, I had one when I was first born and I couldn't walk for about a year!

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.



Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

There was a man named billy, billy worked at a pickle factory. One day billy comes home to his wife and says...

... honey I want to put my pp in the pickle slicer, his wife tells him that's absurd and not to do it and then went to sleep. Billy goes to work the next day and comes home and tells his wife honey I put my pp in the pickle slicer! His wife yelled what happened?! Was it bloody? Did it hurt?! The man tells his wife no, but I got fired and so did she.

There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.

One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, "Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?"

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, "So who is Billy's father?"

"You."

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.

Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?

Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.

Teacher: And how does this even related?

Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....

Lil Johnny's Sheep

Lil Johnny is walking a sheep through town. The Mayor stops and asks Lil Johnny what he is doing.

"Silly Billy has a boy sheep and I'm taking our girl sheep to his ranch to get her pregnant," replies Johnny.

The mayor thinks this is a bad idea and tells Lil Johnny that this is a job his father would be better off doing.

"Nah," Lil Johnny says, "I've seen dad trying a quite a few times and our sheep hasn't got pregnant yet."

Teacher: "Billy, can you give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Billy: "Trump should have responded to the COVID-19 outbreak quickly and decisively but it took the contagious"

Billy is the perfect name for a newborn goat.

As a child, it'll be "Billy the Kid." As an adult, it'll be a "Billy Goat."

Joke of the day

Teacher: "Billy ifΒ  there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"

Billy: "none the others flew away"

Teacher: "the awanser is 4 but I like the way you think"

Billy: "i have a question for you miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream.Β  1 licking, 1 biting and 1 sucking. Which one is married?"

Teacher nervously awansers: the one sucking

Billy: the awanser is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

They can both make crowds of 100,000 stand up and yell Jesus.

Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

Billy Idol's wife gets very upset when he's behind on the yardwork.

Why just yesterday, in the midnight hour, she yelled: mow! mow! mow!

Billy Bob calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Billy Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Billy Bob calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are they doing?" I asked

"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.

"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked

"Looking for me" he whispered

Corny joke from a warehouse worker.

Was loading semi trailers and it was raining like hell. Asked my team lead to step inside a trailer with me.

"Hey Billy, I keep hearing a weird noise every time I step in a trailer."

"What's it sound like?"

(While pointing at the roof) "It sounds like autotune."

"Autotune?"

"Yeah, it's just a Lil Wayne."

Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.

"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Miss Drake."

"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."

"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."

My 6yo sister asked me to post this joke on social media.. (Don't be too harsh)

What was Billy doing in class??

He was billy dancing.

I bet Billy Mays is up in heaven, partying

Like it's $19.99.

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...

... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

I cared for my sick dad in his last days, and I'll never forget his last words

"I think those were the wrong pills Billy."

This guy right here is a trisexual

He'll try anything three times.


*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the billy little billy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working billy billy crystal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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