Billion Jokes
140 billion jokes and hilarious billion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about billion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Billion Short Jokes
Short billion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The billion humour may include short trillion jokes also.
- Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens
- 8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
- I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid game. In the end, 45.6 billion won.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
- I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars. Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.
- A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
- Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion." - If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
- How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
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Billion One Liners
Which billion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with billion? I can suggest the ones about trillion dollar and million.
- I am single by choice. Choice of 2 billion women.
- I'm a big fan of 50 cent Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars
- Why isn't Earth a perfect circle? You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.
- Have you ever wondered what 15.7 billion USD smelt like? Elon's Musk
- I'm working on my second billion. I gave up on the first.
- What do you call a billion white supremacists? 1KKK
- Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
- Who works for an online site that's worth billions for free? A Reddit Moderator
- It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Or a subreddit costs you $70 billion.
- How do you build a muli-million dollar company? Sell it to Elon for $44 billion.
- I love 50 Cent Or as we call him in Venezuela, 60 billion bolívar
- Why didn't the sun go to college? He already had 28 billion degrees.
- I like 50 cent too. Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars.
- 2017 stinks Billions of people haven't showered since last year.
- Why did the hipster die? someone told him billions of people were alive.
One Billion Jokes
Here is a list of funny one billion jokes and even better one billion puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion... which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.
- The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side. Trump agreed.
...but Mexicans refused. - A man died today. Authorities found $27 billion dollars at his home in Nigeria... Apparently he had been trying to give it away for 15 years, but no one would respond to his emails.
- A little girl runs to her mum "Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!" - Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
- The first computer The first computer was dated back billions of years ago to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple, but it had very little space...
One byte then everything crashed. - China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
- Lazlo's Chinese relativity axiom No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats-approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less,
- A billion neutrinos walk into a bar... One says, "Ouch."
- Did you hear about the Korean who entered the lottery? He won one billion won.
Giggle-Inducing Billion Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about billion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean million dollars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make billion pranks.
If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace...
What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
Your mama is so fat...
The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
Twilight's like soccer
Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
Why isn't China a democracy?
Because a billion people would be talking about their *erections*.
A young Saudi prince studying abroad...
A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".
Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. What a bunch of morons.
They could've just downloaded it for free.
A conversation with God
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
One Billion Funny Joke
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Did you know Zimbabwe loves the rapper 50 Cent?
Or as he's known there, 400 billion dollars.
Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan
Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
A worried flyer asks a statistician...
"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.
Q- How many billionaires does it take to make Batman
A- Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.
I heard this in the game Arkham Knight
If I had a dollar for every time I overexaggerated
I'd have, like, a billion dollars
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.
Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population?
Cause the c**... they use is "Made in china"
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
Billionaire throws a party for the whole town
What do you call a 53 year old who has s**... with a 9 year old?
1.6 billion people call him Muhammad.
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
My psychiatrist asked me about how many times a day I exaggerate.
I responded, "Like a billion."
How did 70 Brazilian people die in a plane c**... today...
...if the world only has 7 billion?
How do you get a billionaire to donate their fortune to Planned Parenthood?
Take them to a PG rated movie.
A man finds God and asked
Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"
God: " 1 second "
Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"
God: " A penny "
The man started s**... his chin and got an idea.
Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"
God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "
Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?
Because it is just as real as the other religions.
I'm working on my second Billion dollars.
My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.
So I heard today...
Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.
I got in touch with my inner self today at Disney World
I can't believe that a multi billion dollar company can't afford 3 ply toilet paper.
Alone Guys and Girls
The known universe is made up of 50,000,000,000 galaxies. There are between 100,000,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000 stars in a normal galaxy. In the Milky Way alone there might be as many 100 billion Earth-like planets. Still think you're alone?
Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion
To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it
How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news?
I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.
If a genie offered you a choice between ending world hunger or getting a billion dollars
What color would your Lamborghini be?
Saudi Arabia just invested $1 billion in v**... Galactic...
...1 down, only 71 to go!
Did you hear about the government that decided to be more transparent?
It spent 3 billion on an office building made entirely out of glass.
Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.
Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.
13,700,000,007
A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.
The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, and I've worked here for seven years.
Mark Zuckerberg's office has the greatest view in the Silicon Valley
A view of personal information of 2.2 billion people.
God, Can I have a dollar?
Man : God, How long is billion of years for you?
God : Mere a second.
Man : How much is billions of dollars for you?
God: Mere a dollar
Man: Can I have a dollar then?
God : Ok, wait a sec.
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".
Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.
P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.
A man asked God what he thought of a million years,
God replied, A minute
So the man asked, God, what is a billion dollars to you?
God replied, A penny
The man said, God may I please have 1 penny?
God said, Certainly, just give me a minute
50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.
At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion
But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.
Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.
A man finds a Genie in a bottle
The genie says everything he gets his wife gets double
First he asks for 1 million dollars his wife gets 2 million
Then he asks for a billion dollar mansion his wife gets 2 billion dollar mansions
Lastly he asks to get beat half to death
My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.
Skim milk has never tasted so good.
That billionaire from New England is innocent.
He thought he was buying a h**....
I don't get why people are afraid of death
About 100 billion humans have died and I've not heard any of them complaining
A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?
"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"
A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there
He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails
You know what the difference between a million and a billion dollars is?
About a billion dollars.
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
If the Big Bang happened 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created or destroyed, and all of our bodies are made up of matter, that means we are 13.8 billion years old.
So in conclusion officer, yes she was old enough.
Did you hear how there's a national coin shortage?
The U.S. Mint's production of about 1 billion coins per month has been slowed due to COVID-19 safety precautions for the workers.
The good news is that they've overcome the bottlenecks and will be overclocking their machines for increased production. They plan on averaging 1.65 billion coins per month for the rest of the year 2020.
So I guess you could say the coins will return next quarter.
How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero ?
Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.
An American and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar
The American says to the Zimbabwean, You know, we have a few good rappers in America. My favourite would have to be Eminem, have you got a favourite?
The Zimbabwean thinks for about 5 seconds and says, Well yes, of course. My favourite would have to be 50 cent, or as we call him, 400 billion dollars.
I wish....
* I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
* Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
* No, he also wished he were.
I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
No, he also wished he were.
To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.
But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.
