Billion Jokes
137 billion jokes and hilarious billion puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about billion that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Billion Short Jokes
Short billion jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The billion humour may include short trillion jokes also.
- I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid game. In the end, 45.6 billion won.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
- A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
- Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion." - If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace... how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
- How is Valve like Uranium-238? By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
- To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion. But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.
- Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population #1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census - Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it
Share These Billion Jokes With Friends
Billion One Liners
Which billion one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with billion? I can suggest the ones about trillion dollar and million.
- I am single by choice. Choice of 2 billion women.
- Why isn't Earth a perfect circle? You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.
- Have you ever wondered what 15.7 billion USD smelt like? Elon's Musk
- I'm working on my second billion. I gave up on the first.
- Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
- Who works for an online site that's worth billions for free? A Reddit Moderator
- It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Or a subreddit costs you $70 billion.
- How do you build a muli-million dollar company? Sell it to Elon for $44 billion.
- I love 50 Cent Or as we call him in Venezuela, 60 billion bolívar
- Why did the hipster die? someone told him billions of people were alive.
- Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad? It's very naughty
- What do you get when you throw a billion lawyers in the ocean? A Sue-Nami!
- Shout out to Mother Earth! She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.
- Years are like onions: Millions, Billions, Onions.
- I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old! ...plus a couple billion years...
One Billion Jokes
Here is a list of funny one billion jokes and even better one billion puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side. Trump agreed.
...but Mexicans refused. - A little girl runs to her mum "Mummy, I just saw a rat as big as an elephant!".
Her mum starts shouting angrily at her: "I told you one hundred thousands billions times not to exaggerate things!" - China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
- Did you hear about the Korean who entered the lottery? He won one billion won.
- Compliment/Insult? You are one in a million.
But since there are 7 billion people on the planet,
there are 7,000 people just like you. - What do you call a billion-nomad tent city? One giga-yurt
- What do you call one billion facebook users piled on top of each other? suckerberg
Giggle-Inducing Billion Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about billion you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean million dollars jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make billion pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
Twilight's like soccer
Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why isn't China a democracy?
Because a billion people would be talking about their *erections*.
One Billion Funny Joke
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Why Couldn't the Billionaire Fit through the circular door?
He was too eccentric.
Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan
Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
Pluto is 4.5 billion years old, but yet it is not allowed to sit at the grown-ups' table.
Why do all the other planets view the earth as the universes "biggest pushover?"
Because it lets 7 billion people walk all over it.
Q- How many billionaires does it take to make Batman
A- Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.
I heard this in the game Arkham Knight
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
3. 2 to die and 1 to never get over it.
Heard while playing Arkham Knight
A couple billion years ago I dropped my mixtape
A couple billion years ago I dropped my mixtape, now all the planets are rotating around it. How do I get it back?
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.
A billionaire has a billion dollars. A millionaire has a million dollars. What do you call a person with ten dollars?
A college student.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
When someone replies late...
If NASA can find a way to send an image of Pluto using that Hubble Space Telescope from 4.67 billion miles then why can't you message me?
Hillary and Donald are just like Joker and Harley Quinn...
A multi billion dollar industry is going out of their ways to make them look like good guys
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Donald Trump's hair and a wet raccoon?
A wet raccoon doesn't have 4 billion f**...' dollars in the bank
Billionaire throws a party for the whole town
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
My psychiatrist asked me about how many times a day I exaggerate.
I responded, "Like a billion."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did 70 Brazilian people die in a plane c**... today...
...if the world only has 7 billion?
How to be depressed
Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800
Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.
How do you get a billionaire to donate their fortune to Planned Parenthood?
Take them to a PG rated movie.
If ever you feel unlucky
you are. the world is 4.6 billion years old and you somehow managed to exist at the same time as Donald Trump.
Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?
Because it is just as real as the other religions.
I'm working on my second Billion dollars.
My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stuck in a traffic jam
some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "
So I heard today...
Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.
I got in touch with my inner self today at Disney World
I can't believe that a multi billion dollar company can't afford 3 ply toilet paper.
Harry Potter 8 is like a brain
because it has 100 billion new Rons
Alone Guys and Girls
The known universe is made up of 50,000,000,000 galaxies. There are between 100,000,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000 stars in a normal galaxy. In the Milky Way alone there might be as many 100 billion Earth-like planets. Still think you're alone?
How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news?
I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.
Zimbabwe's currency is so devalued...
That rapper "50 cent" is known as "40 billion dollar"
If you really want to change the world...
...you're going to need 7 billion diapers.
My therapist asked me, "About how many times a day to you over exaggerate?"
I replied, "I don't know. Like, a billion."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a high traffic road...
"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"
Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"
"There's a t**... attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"
"oh, ok then. How much do other people usually gave you?"
"1 litre"
If a genie offered you a choice between ending world hunger or getting a billion dollars
What color would your Lamborghini be?
It cost NASA scientist 1 billion dollars to send felines into outerspace.
It was a catastrophe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Saudi Arabia just invested $1 billion in v**... Galactic...
...1 down, only 71 to go!
Did you hear about the government that decided to be more transparent?
It spent 3 billion on an office building made entirely out of glass.
Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.
Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.
13,700,000,007
A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.
The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, and I've worked here for seven years.
Mark Zuckerberg's office has the greatest view in the Silicon Valley
A view of personal information of 2.2 billion people.
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
They said that the universe is just a computer simulation
Well 6.5 billion years ago there were no computers!
If you are worth 75 million dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world just by asking.
If you are worth 75 billion dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world without asking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".
Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.
P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jeff Bezos personal wealth grows to $150 Billion
He should simply change his spelling to
**J€££ B€zo$**
50 Cent is a very insightful person. Wherever he goes, he tailors his shows to be inoffensive to local cultures and customs.
At his latest gig in Harare he performed under the name "4 Billion Dollars".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
Super Computer
There a new super computer that can compute over 2 billion calculations per second. That means that an event can be fired almost as quickly as a member of the Trump administration.
Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion
But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the differrence between a Saudi m**... and a Mexican m**...?
a few billion dollars.
I'll never forget old what's his name...
He told me a billion times never to exaggerate.
I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.
Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds a Genie in a bottle
The genie says everything he gets his wife gets double
First he asks for 1 million dollars his wife gets 2 million
Then he asks for a billion dollar mansion his wife gets 2 billion dollar mansions
Lastly he asks to get beat half to death
My billionaire boss sent me out for a gallon of milk. "That's what, about $3000?" he asked. "Yes, sir," I replied. So I pick it up for him and kept the difference.
Skim milk has never tasted so good.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
That billionaire from New England is innocent.
He thought he was buying a h**....
I don't get why people are afraid of death
About 100 billion humans have died and I've not heard any of them complaining
A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?
"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"
A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there
He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails
What did the billionaire say to the dolphin?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cruel march madness Odds
If you want a sure thing in your men's NCAA tournament pool, you'll need to fill out the 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets necessary to guarantee a winner. Just leave yourself *plenty* of time to finish them all*:* if you filled out one bracket every second it would take you 292 billion years to cover all the possibilities.
You know what the difference between a million and a billion dollars is?
About a billion dollars.
