The Best 69 Billion Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Billion jokes. There are some billion dollars jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these billion one billion puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Billion Jokes and Puns
I am single by choice.
Choice of 2 billion women.
Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey?
A few billion dollars worth of improvements
If you had to choose between a billion dollars or world peace...
how many bedrooms would your mansion have?
If you could choose between 1 billion dollars and world peace...
What would the color of your new Lamborghini be?
Your mama is so fat...
The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."
The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.
The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.
Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
A billionaire goes for a drive
... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."
Twilight's like soccer
Twilight's like soccer. They run around for two hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don't understand.
Why isn't China a democracy?
Because a billion people would be talking about their *erections*.
A young Saudi prince studying abroad...
A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".
You can explore billion millionth reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean billion million dad jokes. There are also billion puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. What a bunch of morons.
They could've just downloaded it for free.
A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.
How is Valve like Uranium-238?
By the time they get to the third Half Life 13.5 Billion years will have passed.
A conversation with God
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
One Billion Funny Joke
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan
Who would've thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?
I'm a big fan of 50 cent
Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 10 billion dollars
A worried flyer asks a statistician...
"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.
Donald Trump is being held hostage...
Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
Billionaire throws a party for the whole town
What do you call a 53 year old who has sex with a 9 year old?
1.6 billion people call him Muhammad.
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
A man finds God and asked
Man: "God... How long is a millenium to you?"
God: " 1 second "
Man: "God.... How much is a billion dollars to you?"
God: " A penny "
The man started stroking his chin and got an idea.
Man: "God.... Can you lend me a penny?"
God: " Sure.... Just give me a second "
Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?
Because it is just as real as the other religions.
I'm working on my second Billion dollars.
My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion
Probably because Mexico has more aliens
I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.
Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.
Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion
To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it
How come Jeff Bezos spending 13 billion makes the news?
I spent 13 billion dollars last week at Whole Foods as well and all I got was some vegan avocado toast.
8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
Have you ever wondered what 15.7 billion USD smelt like?
Elon's Musk
Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office
Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."
What do you call a billion white supremacists?
1KKK
Borrow a million dollars, and the bank owns you.
Borrow a 100 billion dollars and you own the bank.
Borrow $69 trillion dollars and you are the United States of America.
13,700,000,007
A man asks the worker at the astronomy museum how old the universe is. He responds 13.7 billion and 7 years old.
The man is puzzled how the worker knew the age to such precision. The worker answered, When I got this job, the person who hired me told me that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, and I've worked here for seven years.
Mark Zuckerberg's office has the greatest view in the Silicon Valley
A view of personal information of 2.2 billion people.
A man ends up in a 30-year coma.
After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.
He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your savings portfolio is $950 billion."
The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon as he can.
When he comes to the bar, he says "I'd like a coffee, please.".
The cashier tells him "That'd be $30 billion.".
A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here
Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
A man asked God what he thought of a million years,
God replied, A minute
So the man asked, God, what is a billion dollars to you?
God replied, A penny
The man said, God may I please have 1 penny?
God said, Certainly, just give me a minute
A Genie grants a man 3 wishes
The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."
Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion
But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.
I don't get why people are afraid of death
About 100 billion humans have died and I've not heard any of them complaining
A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?
"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
I wish....
* I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
* Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
* No, he also wished he were.
The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...
which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.
I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
No, he also wished he were.
To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.
But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Or a subreddit costs you $70 billion.
Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?
tree fiddy
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars
They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space.
Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'
I finally got a job handling finances for a multi billion company!
So excited for my first day as a McDonald's cashier :)
People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."
That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.
The big duck
A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash
He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"
"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"
So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it
A genie come out : "I grant you one wish"
" incredible, I wish for a billion !"
Suddenly, a pillion appeared.
"But this is not what i asked for !"
And the other guy says "You really think i asked for a big duck ?"
One day Stalin and Hitler were debating about starting another war.
A guy hears them and asks what they are talking about.
Stalin says, "We're going to start another war this time a billion and a half people and a bicycle repairman will die."
Confused the guy asks, "Why a bicycle repairman?"
Stalin turns to Hitler and says, "See, I told you no one would care about a billion and a half people."
How many Billionaires does take it take to create a Vigilante?
Three.
Two to die and one to never get over it.
We're big fans of the rapper 50 cent!
Or, as we call him in Zimbabwe, 400 billion dollars.
Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,
The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"
Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"
The boss said " good, well done" then he looked at the ugly girl and asked her "Name me those 1,400 billion people?".
I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.
In the end, 45.6 billion won.
I want to be a billionaire just like my dad…
Girlfriend: oh so your dad is a billionaire?
Me: no, he wanted to be a billionaire too
billionaire superheroes
How many billionaires does it take to create a superhero?
Three. Two to die and one to never get over it.
A man asked God,
Man: Is it true that one billion years is like a second to you?
God: Yes, it is.
Man: Is it true that a billion dollars is like a penny to you?
God: Yes, it is.
Man: Then, could you please give me one penny then?
God: Sure, gimme a sec.
Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump
Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 7 billion people happy!"
I love 50 Cent
Or as we call him in Venezuela, 60 billion bolívar
A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.
I can't tell you how happy I am.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the billion multimillion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working billion elevation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.