Bill Of Rights Jokes
52 bill of rights jokes and hilarious bill of rights puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bill of rights that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Bill Of Rights Short Jokes
Short bill of rights jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bill of rights humour may include short bills jokes also.
- Imagine if Elon Musk got married to Bill Gates and took his name... Yeah no, you're right... 'Elon Gates' is a stretch.
- Go green and cut your energy bills in half! install a wind turbine on your head that runs on all the jokes that whoosh right over it
- Right to Ignore Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening.
Bill Clinton - First Bill Cosby, then Weinstein, now Kevin Spacey? Spongebob is next. Calling it right now.
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Bill Of Rights One Liners
Which bill of rights one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bill of rights? I can suggest the ones about rights freedoms and human rights.
- Bill Clinton right now, texting Monica Lewinsky "You up?"
- Where was Bill Clinton during his presidency? He was right between the Bushes.
- who needs a bill of rights...? Im bill and im right!!!
- I got so many bills to pay, I even got to pay: The Bill of Rights
- If Donald Trump had s**... with a White House intern would they call him Bill of rights?
Bill Of Rights Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bill of rights you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean voting rights jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bill of rights pranks.
Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife’s beside.
It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, asher voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.
"Bill darling," she breathed. "I’ve got a confession to make before I go... I... I’m the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I’m afraid I also was theone who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."
"That’s all right dearest; don’t even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I’m the one who poisoned you."
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day.
The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
There once was a man from Alabama . . .
He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated h**... type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .
Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?
One day, very tragically, Catfish Jeb's wife and sister died. A terrible hunting accident where he was mistaken and thought he was shooting at a deer. Beyond distraught, Catfish Jeb hurried home to his cabin and called up his church's preacher, Bill.
Bill answered his phone right away, greeting happily in that churchy way. Despite the cheeriness, Catfish Jeb was in tears as he told the preacher what happened. "Ma wife and sis'ta are ded, Billy," he blubbered.
Bill was a little miffed; he hated being called Billy. But with the light of God always shining down upon him, he forgave Catfish Jeb the instant the misname left his lips. "I am terrible sorry to hear that, Jeb," the preacher consoled.
On the phone, Bill and Catfish Jeb arranged a f**... for the bumpkin's wife and sister to be held at the church. It was to take place that Sunday, right before the bake sale. They planned the flowers, the music. Bill agreed to have someone make pamphlets on the grieving r**...'s behalf.
"One last thing, Joe," Bill said, pen poised in hand.
Catfish Jeb wiped at his eyes. "Yessa, preacher-man sir?" he simpered.
The preacher man pursed his lips. "Will you be needing one coffin, of two?"
Peeing in the Flowers...
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Wishes
A woman was walking on the beach when she spotted a lamp almost buried in the sand. She picked it up, dusted it off, and to her surprise a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from my thousand-year imprisonment! I will grant you the traditional three wishes as a reward. And since you are married, your husband will get double of whatever you wish for."
"But I hate my husband," the woman protested. "He cheated on me and spent all our money -- I've already filed for divorce."
The genie shrugged and told her it was genie law. "OK, whatever," she said, "Give me a hundred million dollars." *p**...!* There were stacks and stacks of newly minted $100 bills piled in front of her. "So, does that mean my husband has *two* hundred million now?"
"Yep," the genie said.
"OK... for my second wish, I want a 100,000 square foot mansion." *p**...!* There was a huge mansion right up on the bluff, and the deed was in her pocket. "So, does that mean my husband gets *two* mansions?"
"Yes indeed. Now, what would you like for your final wish?"
She thought about it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and said, "Genie -- scare me half to death!"
Painting a Church: My favourite joke
Bill, an unscrupulous painter, would often thin down his paint when hired to do a job, and pocket the money he'd save.
One day, the local church decided to do some long-awaited maintenance, and hired Bill for the job.
Bill gets to work, and after a good few hours, he's nearly done - as he stands on his scaffolding to finish off the steeple, he smiles to himself: the paint job looks pretty good, he's scammed the church out of a few hundred bucks, and he'll be done before dinner.
Suddenly, thunder ensues, a huge bolt of lightning knocks Bill right off his scaffolding, and the skies open up - and all of Bill's newly-applied paint washes right off the church.
Bill, a religious man despite his thievery, knows it's a sign from God. He falls to his knees in a puddle of rainwater and paint, and cries, "Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And amongst the thunder, a booming voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
Ethics done right
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
What doctors really thinking?
- This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
Bill is taking a skydiving class...
and he is really nervous about it. At his first jump, his instructor (Ed) is trying to calm him down.
"It's really simple Bill. You jump out, count to ten, and pull the cord."
Bill, sweating bullets responds "what if that doesn't open?"
Ed smiles and says "that is why you have a reserve c**.... Just pull it's cord."
That seemed to work, so Bill stands and goes to the door of the plane. Right before he jumps, he freezes and turns his head, and says "but what if the reserve doesn't open!?!"
Ed sighs, and says "haven't had a complaint yet!" And pushes him out the door.
A lawyer dies and shows up at the pearly gates for accounting.
As he walks up he shouts "Why did I have to die so young?? I was in my prime!"
St Peter replies "Well, I don't think 89 is really so young."
The lawyer replied "What? I'm only 36 years old. I was healthy, I ate well, I had no reason to die."
St Peter looks at his ledger and says "Nope. It says right here you turned 89 three months ago. You do look a bit young... AHH! There is where the confusion is. You see, we go by hours billed for lawyers."
Coming out of retirement
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read --
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."
An Irishman, an American, a Jew and a Greek all die...
When they get to Heaven, they're given the chance to go back to Earth and give it one more shot.
"But whatever sin you committed most in life, you must not even think once of committing it again," they're told, "Or you'll be right back up here."
All four end up together back on Earth, and start walking down the street, talking about the experience and what they think their worst sin was.
They pass a bar. The Irishman looks in, gets a greedy look on his face, and *p**...* disappears.
They pass a fast food restaurant. The American looks in, starts drooling, and *p**...* he disappears, too.
The Jew and the Greek keep walking, joking at their friends' foolishness. The Jew sees a dollar bill lying on the street. He bends over to pick it up, and ...
*p**...* they both disappear.
A nervous man walks into a pharmacy...
... and the pharmacist asks how she may be of service.
"Well, you see, I uhh... I got a hot date tonight... and I'd like some... uhhh... you know..."
"Protection?" says the pharmacist.
"Yes, uhh... that's right."
"Small, medium, or large?"
"Uhh... I guess... medium."
"All right then," she gets out the box of medium condoms and totals up the bill, "that'll be $4.95 plus tax."
The man is shocked by this, "tacks!?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
Hilary Clinton is pregnant....
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find outthat she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator ofNew York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! Howcould you? ? !!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what haveyou got to say? ? ? "There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screamsagain, "Did you hear me? ? !! " Finally she hears Bill's very, veryquiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this? "
I dumb joke my grandfather learned when he was a prisoner of war.
In a German prison camp, there isn't much to do. A new prisoner shows up, his name is Bill. One of the veteran prisoners, Jack, introduces himself to Bill. They talk, and eventually Jack asks what the prisoners do for fun.
Then a soldier yells, "15!"
Everyone is laughing hysterically.
Then another prisoner yells, "3!"
The laughter is deafening.
Bill asks Jack why these guys are laughing. Jack says that have been using the same jokes for so long that they save time by just assigning numbers to them.
Then a soldier yells, "7!"
Every other prisoner groans.
"Why didn't they laugh at that one?"
"Some people just can't phrase 'em right."
A penguin is driving along in his convertible on a very hot day...
when it suddenly breaks down. He has it towed to a shop where the mechanic says it will be at least a couple hours while he finds the problem. The mechanic tells the penguin that he can go to a nearby diner to get out of the brutal heat.
The penguin goes into the diner and decides to order a bowl of ice cream to cool off. He dives right in and makes a real mess of himself. He orders another bowl and eats it so fast he's wearing most of it. There's melted ice cream all over his face.
Finally, the penguin pays his bill and heads back to the shop. The mechanic looks up from the penguin's car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal!" The pengiun says, "Nah, it's just ice cream."
Dead duck
An old lady has a sick pet duck that she loves dearly, but she's broke so she takes him to a cheap veterinary clinic. The vet doc says your duck is dying there's nothing we can do. Devastated she pleads for him to try anything, so he says he'll be right back. He walks back in with a Labrador by his side, the dog places one paw on the duck, nothing. Vet doc says OK one moment. Leaves comes back with a cat, cat places one paw on the duck, nothing. The vet doc then tells the lady that's all he can do but her duck is still dying. Defeated and broken she leaves, upon receiving the bill on the way out its three times higher than she expected hud. She ask the secretary why and she says "it says here you requested additional LAB work and a CAT scan"
Something guilty
A teacher was asking his students to talk about something they've done that they are guilty about. Bill raises his hand.
"What you hear stays here, right?" He asks timidly
"Yes."
"Well, once my friends went to Macy's to fool around. I had to distract everyone so they could steal something."
"What did they steal?" Asks the teacher.
"A pair of socks."
"See me after class." The teacher says angrily.
"Wait!" Bill says quickly. "But then I woke up, and realized it was a dream!"
A barber is telling his customer about the stupidest kid he knows..
He tells him, "I tell everyone about this kid and what a m**... he is. Every time he comes by I offer him two quarters OR a single dollar bill. He takes the quarters every time...never learns."
Right as they're talking the kid walks by the window. The barber knocks and waves him in. The kid walks up and the barber offers him two quarters or a dollar bill. The kid takes the quarters and leaves.
"You see that? Every single time! I feel sorry for our future." says the barber.
Curious, the customer chases the kid down and asks, "Why do you take the two quarters? You know one dollar is worth more, right?"
"Of course I do, but the day I take the dollar, he'll stop paying me"
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
A woman is taking a shower when she hears a knock at the door...
She throws on a towel and goes to answer it. Outside is her next door neighbor, taken aback by her near-n**.... He says, "wow, I never realized how beautiful you were under all of that clothing! I'll pay you $800 right now to drop that towel!" Dripping wet, the woman scans the hallway. With no one in sight and nothing to lose, the woman promptly drops her towel to the floor and shows her neighbor her full n**... body. Grinning a toothy grin, her neighbor takes out his wallet and hands over eight $100 dollar bills. After she closes the door, her husband calls to her from the living room, "honey, who was that?" "Oh, just our next door neighbor" she replies. Her husband responds, "did he give you the 800 bucks he owes me?"
Hillary is pregnant.
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...
Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a q**... right about now."
The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the t**... of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immediately recognizes what's going on. He glances at Bill and leans over to attendant, and says
"I'm sorry, I believe the President would like to order a *quiche*".
First Pitch or ...
One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood up, picked up Hillary, and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to throw out the first pitch."
Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....
A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.
Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.
Lady: look carefully, it is me!
Bill's mom and dad want to have their own private time...
Bill's mom and dad want to have s**... but their son is always around.They come up with an idea and ask Bill to go to balcony and report everything happening in the neighborhood.
They start to have s**... while Bill reports.
"Miss Humphrey is going to office."
"Daniel is working at his garden."
"and umm..Mr.Bob is painting his window."
"Dave's mom and dad are having s**...."
Bill's mom and dad stop right away and his dad asks from the bedroom,"How do you know that?"
Bill says,"Dave is on the balcony."
One hot summer day in the city...
A group of boys are hanging around on the corner with nothing to do. One of their mothers opens her window and shouts down to them "hey you boys better stay outta trouble! Go on and buy yourself something to keep you busy!" And throws a $5 bill down to them.
One of the boys grabs the money and runs to the corner store as the other boys excitedly follow him. He runs into the store and buys a box of tampons.
The other boys are incredulous to see that he wasted the money on tampons and demand an explanation.
He holds up the box proudly "Look at all we can do! It says right here on the side of the box! Now we can go swimming!... We can go horse back riding!..."
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders the fish dinner. The bartender brings the meal and goes on to serve other customers, when he notices the duck hasn't touched his meal, so he asks "is everything all right with the food?"
"Check please" said the duck
"Is everything all right?" asked the bartender "You haven't touched your fish"
And the duck replied "I cant eat without a bill"
Young Bill
Young Bill was courting Mabel, from the adjoining cattle ranch.
One evening, as they sat on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the western hills, Bill spied his prized stallion h**... one of his mares.
He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.
He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to do what that stallion is doing."
Mabel whispered back, "Go ahead. She's your mare!"
[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch
He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.
"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.
"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.
"This is exactly identical to the next! Right down to the imperfect knots and slanted grain!"
Bill hops off and puts on his reading glasses.
"Egad!" He exclaims. "You're right! It seems like this place is full of reposts!"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"Just watch, this is the dumbest kid in the whole world."
The barber puts a dollar bill in his right hand and a quarter in his left.He then asks the boy,"which one do you want?" The boy takes the quarter and leaves the shop. The barber chuckles and tells his customer,"didn't i tell you,that kid is really dumb.Even after so many years,he has still not learnt to take the dollar."
sometime later ,the customer sees the kid having an ice-cream outside.He walks up to him and asks ,"Hey son ,I don't think you are dumb. How come you never picked the dollar ?"
The kid answers ,"Because, the day I take the dollar ,the game is over."
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
Bill was lying on his death bed
His faithful wife at his side, comforting him. Bill weakly lifts his head and says "Honey, if this is it for me, I don't want you to be alone. You should marry Jake, across the street"
"I can't even think of anything like that right now," she responds. "But, Jake? I thought you hated him."
"I do."
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
First time in Vegas
I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said Well they were here and available and you could've used them.
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: Sir this check is for only $50.
I said That's right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.
But I didn't! she said.
I said: Well I was here and available, and you could have!
Police arrested a bank robber
To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.
Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.