Bill Jokes
177 bill jokes and hilarious bill puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bill that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a great laugh with these funny Bill Jokes! With a range of topics from dollar bills, electricity bills, gas bills, water bills, duck bills, 2 dollar bills, and more, there is sure to be something to make you chuckle. Find the perfect bill joke to start off your day, or to add some fun to that legislation meeting. Everything from puns to knock-knock jokes, dive in and enjoy!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Bill Short Jokes
Short bill jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bill humour may include short bell jokes also.
- Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
- Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates.
- Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
- Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- Policeman: You're going to prison for forgery. Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?
- My 7 year old daughter just told me this one. I'm so proud. What did the duck say when he bought chapstick? Put it on my bill
- My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill... So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.
- It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently
- Bill Cosby enters in a bar ... ... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.
- Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government? Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?
Share These Bill Jokes With Friends
Bill One Liners
Which bill one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bill? I can suggest the ones about bung and belt.
- Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar... I don't remember the rest.
- What's Mitch McConnell's favorite movie? Kill Bill.
- What do you call a christmas wreath made out of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
- Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said... May divorce be with you.
- Why did Bill Barr gas protestors? So the chicken could cross the road
- Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked
- Bill Cosby is going to have a new show Women Say the Darndest Things
- My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography... But it put her to sleep.
- Do you know why bill clinton played the saxophone? Because he lost his whoremonica
- "You look like a million bucks", said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.
- I once made a belt out of $100 bills Turns out it was just a waist of money
- How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date? "Nice to meet you"
- There is only one thing I don't like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant The bill
- Bill Gates to Melinda: "I'll never cheat on you again." "I give you my Word."
- A woman will appear on the $10 bill!! It will be the first $10 bill to be worth $7.50
Dollar Bill Jokes
Here is a list of funny dollar bill jokes and even better dollar bill puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.
- A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it. - What do you call a belt made of dollar bills? A waist of money.
- What's the difference between a dollar bill and the Atlanta Falcons? A dollar bill is good for 4 quarters.
- Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy? A $100 dollar bill.
- I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar.. but she's already had her face on a Bill.
- I've invented a machine that prints money. I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents. - What did one dollar say to the other? Hey, Bill
- Cop: You're going to prison for forgery Suspect: *hands over a 37 dollar bill*
Suspect: What was it you were saying? - My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars
Bill Cosby Jokes
Here is a list of funny bill cosby jokes and even better bill cosby puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword? One's a little rapier...
- What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common? They don't come until you're asleep.
- What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.
- My Bill Cosby impression isn't that entertaining. It puts everyone to sleep.
- What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night? He finishes her drink
- This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby. When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.
- Why does bill Cosby like fliers Because their passed out
- Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony... Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.
- What do you call movie night at Bill Cosby's house? Netflix and pill
- Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz? Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs
Bill Clinton Jokes
Here is a list of funny bill clinton jokes and even better bill clinton puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president... He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.
- What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One got his head blown off, the other was assassinated
- Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager? She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
- Oh, Bill... A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"
He answers, "Well, she's no Monica!" - How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill... under the table
- Last year Hillary got a concussion. Obama recently bumped into Clinton and asked "Bill, how is Hillary's head?" "Not as good as Monica"
- What's the difference between Trump and Bill Clinton? Trump paid her $130k, Bill didn't even pay for dry-cleaning
- Say what you want about Bill Clinton's Presidency... But he was always hard at work.
- What do you call Bill Clinton's office? The Headquarters.
- How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency? He had a great Al Gore rhythm.
Bill Gates Jokes
Here is a list of funny bill gates jokes and even better bill gates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."
Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion." - Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire... on average.
- If you had to choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune... What color would your Lamborghini be?
- I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early. But he kept his Word.
- Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it
- How soft is Bill Gate's pillow? Microsoft.
- Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos' marriages both end in divorce? Because they realized they were in a union.
- Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced? I thought they had a really strong foundation
- So, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs walk into a bar... and I got sued for millions because I used both of their names in the same sentence.
- I was going to make a joke about Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce today, but I stopped myself... It's not really PC
Electricity Bill Jokes
Here is a list of funny electricity bill jokes and even better electricity bill puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark. But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.
I'm now afraid of light. - [First Date] Her: I'm usually attracted to men with power. Me: That's great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
- I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...
- With great power comes great... electricity bills
- In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn't afford to pay the electricity bill. Those were the darkest days of our lives.
- Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor? Because nobody likes an electricity bill.
- My local Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill. They said they can't turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.
- Why do Hanzo players have such high electric bills? They never switch off.
- How many congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't really matter, they forgot to pass the electricity bill again.
- There's been a lot of scammers claiming they're from the electric company calling to get payments from overdue bills… They're getting pretty crafty- they even turned off my electricity.
Great Bill Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about bill you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bill pranks.
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
So the painters finish painting my home...
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
A businessman is at the office.
He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."
What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone?
BILLY MAYS HERE!
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
Billy Mays is in heaven now...
Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.
Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"
Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.
Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn
He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers
...she'd have to give up the p**....
I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.
It was good, but the bill was enormous.
A guy asks for a tattoo on his........
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his private parts. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.
it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.
it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Bill say to Hillary after s**...?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What gave h**... a heart attack?
Seeing his gas bill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't see why racists are upset with Harriet Tubman being on the $20 bill...
They can finally legally own a black person again.
How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?
Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"
George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
The Doctor made me walk again...
Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
I went as a congressional bill for Halloween....
I stayed in the House and didn't do anything.
Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake.
"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
"It had two zeroes instead of one."
Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.
One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."
The trump family is flying from New York to DC
Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did h**... kill him self?
He saw his gas bill.
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
I played doctor with my girlfriend
She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000
I waved the waitress over to our table.
I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.
"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
"It had an extra zero."
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
I'm dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won't be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast Fake the Nation and thought you all would like it.)
What goes up, and never comes down?
Your Comcast Bill.
After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...
The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it.
Abortion bill
Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President
Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.
The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.
The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet potatoes are well-known for being good, traditional potatoes.
The third daughter then says "Dad, I want to marry Bill Maher!" Dad is flabbergasted, and exclaims, "But honey! He's just a common-tater!"
A homeless guy asked me for money today
So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly c**..., who would survive?
The United States of America.
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by
Then he spoke: Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours. To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.
The nurse was really impressed. She said, Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.
And the wife responded, What property? … the s**... had a paper route!!
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, What are you two arguing about?
One boy answers, We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves, said the teacher. When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was. The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, "How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble. Just because I am a doctor.... not fair!"
The CA friend replied coolly, "Just tell them the right things politely but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning... only once! Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately!"
"Wow! Thanks for the tip, said the doctor."
Next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend, "Consulting charges for Business Development."
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
I tried having my mother's phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad's name, he'd have to be the one to put in the request.....
The fact that he'd been dead for 40 years didn't sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?
Well, yes, she said reluctantly. But that would ruin his credit.
