Biggest Jokes

Following is our collection of finest puns and omnipotent one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Biggest jokes for adults, dirty drawback jokes and clean noisiest dad gags for kids.

The Best Biggest Puns

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

So a man dies and goes to heaven...

When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"

"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."

Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"

"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."


Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.

My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.


Boss: Why do you-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: What is your biggest wea-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

The job interviewer asked...

The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"

Me: "I don't know when to quit..."

Interviewer: "You're hired!"

Me: "I quit."

I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

It's official. The winner of the biggest upset in US presidential history is T-R-U-M-

A-N. 1948. HUGE upset.

Edit 3:30AM ET: this was a *lot* funnier when it was true.

I ate five cans of alphabet soup.....

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life.


Someone just told me ignorance and apathy are the world's two biggest problems

I didn't know that, but I don't really care.

What's the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. is a good place to start.

After sex last night...

...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

You know what the biggest problem with political jokes is?

They get elected.

What is the biggest lie in the Universe

I have read and accepted the terms and conditions

I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS...

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.

He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

Did you know that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export?

It's also their biggest import.

What's a fat ghost's biggest fear?

Being excercised

[Mild Infinity War Spoiler] Did you guys see Peter Dinklage in the new Avengers film?

It was his biggest role to date.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

Interview Gone Wild

A man was interviewing for a job.

Interviewer: What's your biggest weakness?

Man: Honesty

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness

Man: I really don't care what you think

The biggest fear of flat-Earthers...

...is sphere itself

I used to work in food service, now I work in IT

The biggest difference is the phrase "My server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

I went to a blind prostitute the other day

She told me I was the biggest she'd ever laid her hands on.

I said "nah, you're pulling my leg"

"So, what are your qualifications?"

"I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills"

Recruiter: "what's your biggest weakness?"

"I don't know when to quit."

"You are hired!"

"I quit."

Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?

Because the whole state is inbred

Job Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I guess my biggest weakness is I am not always a good listener

Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."

My biggest fear is dying alone.

That's why I drive a school bus.

What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?

You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.

I was in a job interview.

The guy said, "What's your biggest weakness?"

I said, "I'm a great listener."

Interviewer: and what do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is listening.

A traditional Iranian joke

A man has a very bad case of worms so he goes to very famous doctor. the doctor assesses his case and says go to the market buy the biggest juicy watermelon you can find, cut off one end drop your pants and sit on it. The worms will go into it and leave your body. So the guy does just that and when he sits down the king worm comes out tastes the watermelon and says " bring it in boys"!

A Weenie Contest.

Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"

So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"

Tesla have announced they are going to build the worlds biggest battery.

Yet it still won't last a day on an iPhone

Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Teach 100 men to fish, you're the single biggest threat to our ecosystem.

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

I was at the football game the other day...

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was supposed to come, but she passed away recently," he replied.

I apologized and offered my condolences. "And the other empty seat?" I asked him.

"My best friend was supposed to come with us," he answered. I asked him why his best friend didn't come.

The man replied, "Oh, he's at the funeral!".

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

What is a male pirates biggest fear?

A sunken chest with no booty.

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

There is an abundance of arguement jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 55 funniest jokes and biggest puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hardest witze you can hear about biggest.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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