Bigger Jokes

Following is our collection of thicker humor and biggest one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bigger puns for adults, dirty lesser jokes or clean fatter gags for kids.

There is an abundance of heavier jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes on bigger. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tougher witze you can hear about bigger.

The Best jokes about Bigger

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.


She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

What gets bigger the more you take from it?

The lower class.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles

Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.


What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

What gets bigger every time I see my wife.

My wife.

Paychecks are like dicks...

Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Don't vaccinate your kids...

Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.

I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .









molasses."


Don't stress if someone says you are fat

You are bigger than that.

A couple was having a conversation, when...

...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

Bigger in Texas

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is big in Texas, says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!

The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.



The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong

It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

My girlfriend said "Can you compliment me for once?"

She's rather overweight so I said "Don't be sad when people call you fat, you're bigger than that."

Met a microbiologist this morning

He was bigger than I expected.

Who's bigger? Mrs.Bigger, Mr.Bigger or their baby?

The baby because he's a little Bigger.


Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing".

I told him he should have bigger aspirations.

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.

Dicks are like paychecks.

You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.

Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your dicks bigger than your brothers"

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger...

then it hit me.

A shopkeeper was dismayed...

when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS! To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading LOWEST PRICES! He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, MAIN ENTRANCE.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?

I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since

What body part starts with p, is 5 letters long and gets bigger when you see something you like?

A pupil.

Why, what did you think it was?

Ignore those who call you fat.

You are bigger than that.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger

Then it hit me

My boyfriend and I both drive Hondas.

He's got one of those boxy ones, and mine is a mid-size sedan. And neither of us has our own place, so we mostly end up just having sex inside the car. His is a little bigger, so we usually use his.

Recently, however, he's been wanting to experiment a little bit, and he's saying we should try some things out while having sex on top of his car, instead of inside it.

But if I'm gonna have sex with my boyfriend in a way that's out of his Element, it will have to be on my own Accord.

I think that there's something wrong with my testicles...

One seems to be bigger than the others

I always wondered why a frisbee gets bigger as it gets closer.

And then it hit me.

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A Fishing Tale


On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.

Up comes an American.

'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'

'What for?' asks the fisherman.

'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.

The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.

Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.

And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'

The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.

'But that's what I'm doing now.'

During a visit to the mental hospital....

..a visitor asks the Director what criterion defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A virgin goes to a brothel for his first time.

The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."

He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge fart, right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.

A few minutes later, she rips another fart, bigger than the first one.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."

Little Johnny was made fun of...

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Why do they call wood carving "whittling"?

Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler.

My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings

She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.

I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"

I used to have an imaginary girlfriend but she left me for my best friend.

Apparently he had a bigger imagination.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself

Come on, you're bigger than that.

A Family of Moles

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

10-year old Little Johnny brings Suzy home from school . . .

He says, "Mom, Suzy and I want to get married."

His Mom thinks it's adorable, so she asks with fake concern, "But Johnny, where will you live?"

He says, "Well, we thought about that and my room is bigger than hers, so we'll probably live in my room."

"But Johnny, what will you do for money?" the mother asked grinning.

"Well, I get $5.00 a week allowance, and Suzy gets $3.50, and I think we can get by on that."

The mother asks slyly, "But what if you have children? How will you buy diapers?"

Little Johnny shrugs, "Well, we've been lucky so far . . ."

When I was younger I thought drugs were going to be a much bigger problem.

Now I'm older, they seem like the only solution.

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked.

I couldn't tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

"What would you like?" asks the bartender.

"What would I like?!" replies Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife!"

"No, no!" says the bartender patiently. "I meant, what do you want?"

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!"

"What's it to be!?" says the bartender, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care."

"You misunderstand me!" says the bartender impatiently. "I only asked what you want to drink."

"Oh." says Bob. "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?"

"Nothing at all." says the bartender. "I'm perfectly healthy."

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough because they couldn't afford a bigger bed. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it would cost $1,000.

Not being able to afford the procedure, the doctor recommended he go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me - I don't want to go deaf! To which the doctor replies, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand, 6, 7...

So MotherTeresa is in heaven, but...

she notices that Princess Diana has a bigger halo than her. So Mother Teresa goes to God and asks why Princess Diana has a larger halo. God laughs and responds, "Oh, that's not a halo, that's the steering wheel."

My grandmother told me this joke, all credit to her.

Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger? Or Mr. Bigger's baby?

The baby, because it is a little Bigger.

A fisherman comes home to his wife

A fisherman comes home to his wife after a day out on the sea. He hands her his catch and after she cleans and cooks they both sit down to a lovely fish dinner. He takes one fish and begins to eat when he notices his wife sullenly looking down at her plate.

After a concerned silence she looks up and speaks. "You always used to take the smaller fish and insist I have the bigger one for myself. I'm starting to feel that you don't love me as much as you used to."

The fisherman chuckles to himself before taking her hand and says, "My love for you hasn't changed, but your cooking has gotten much better!"

Why did the Muslim cross the road?

To get to the bigger crowd

There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday.

One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion.

The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo.

The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot.

The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house.

She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo.

She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

Yo Mama so Fat

She can't save files bigger than 4GB.

Holy Moly! - What's that smell!?

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all lived in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said: "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't because of the bigger moles were in the way so he said: "Geez, all I can smell is..."

Are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me for this one...

*MOLASSES*

Mother at a Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

Son runs up to Mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play and then runs back to say..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got !"

The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!"

Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed."

The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!"

Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25."

The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!"

The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?"

"I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen',he said.....

My Christmas joke.

One day Santa is walking through the forest when all of a sudden from out of the snow he sees a tiny Angel dragging a huge Christmas tree behind her.

"Ho ho ho, what do we have here? " Asked Santa.

The little Angel looks up and says "Oh. Thank goodness I found you! A family came to the forest and cut down this tree, but then they saw an even bigger tree and took that one instead just leaving this poor tree to die! So I pulled and pulled, dragging this tree through the snow looking for you Santa. I knew that you would tell me what to do with this tree. Tell me Santa, tell me what I should do with this tree! "

And so Santa told the little Angel exactly what she should do with that tree and that is why you still see a little Angel right up on top of the tree every year.

In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the Doctor

How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?

Dr: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket because its bigger....

Dr: NO, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Now if you would be so kind as to proceed to bed no.39

Tyrone

One day in his third grade class, Tyrone asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom. While he's in the bathroom, peeing, his classmate, Timmy enters and begins peeing in the stall right next to Tyrone. Naturally, he is a little curious, so Tyrone looks over the stall to see if Timmy's wee wee is as big as his.

When he gets back to class, he asks the teacher, "How come my wee wee is so much bigger than Timmy's? Is it because I am black and he is white"?

The teacher answers, "No, Tyrone, it's because you are 17 years old".

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!" The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!" The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles.Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

A bear and a squirrel are in the forest and find a genie's lamp.

Upon releasing the genie, he offers them each three wishes. The bear instantaniously wishes to be the only male bear in the forest so that he can hook up with all the female bears. The squirrel wishes for an acorn. The bear looks at the squirrel and tells him he's stupid for not wishing like the bear did. The genie asks what the next wishes are going to be. The bear, thinking bigger, wishes that he was the only male bear in the country. And the squrriel wishes for an acorn. The bear again pokes fun at the squirrel for not wishing like he did. Finally, the bear, thinking as big as he can, wishes to be the only male bear in the world. The squirrel takes off running, and just before he gets out of earshot, he shouts **"I wish the bear was gay!"**

Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

A man climbed a mountain for the first time...

and he wanted to know how long it would take for an object to fall down a cliff. He threw a pebble. It didn't make a sound. He looked for a bigger object, and threw a fist-sized rock. It too, refused to make a sound. He looked around for a bigger object. The man saw a steel pillar. He threw that off the cliff. Then a goat jumped off the cliff after the pillar. The man was confused. He was analyzing the situation when a farmer came by.

"Hi," said the farmer. "Have you seen my goat anywhere?"

The man replied, "I did see a goat; but it jumped off the cliff."

The farmer exhaled in relief. "That's not my goat," he said. "My goat was tied to a steel pillar."

Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.

Next they drive past a couple of barns.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'

They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.

'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.

The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

So a man goes to a monastery...

To become a friar. The man is welcomed warmly into the brotherhood, and a fellow friar takes him on a tour of the place. He shows him the chapel, sleeping quarters, gardens, prayer rooms, library... It goes on and on, and the mans eyes grow bigger at every turn.
And so the tour is concluded, and the friar asks if the man has any other questions. The man then reluctantly asks "well, how do you guys cope with the urges of the flesh? You know, sex?"
The friar smiles and says " I knew you would ask that! Come, follow me." The man follows the friar to the stables, where they stop at an ordinary barrel. "you see that hole?" asked the friar, pointing at a hole in the barrels side, "stick your junk in there and you'll get the pleasing you desire!". "Oh man, sweet!" answers the man, "How often can I use this?"
"Everyday except Tuesday." "Why not Tuesday?" the man asks.
The friar looks at him and says "Because then it's your turn to get in the barrel!"

As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.

I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.

Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"

The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes