Big Jokes
149 big jokes and hilarious big puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about big that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Big Short Jokes
Short big jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The big humour may include short enormous jokes also.
- Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak
- Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired? Because they're working around the clock.
- At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang? The professor replied, Sorry. No Time.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it? A surname/last name
- I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
- I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month. I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
- There's a big difference between a boy or a girl saying I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- Most gun duels in the old west could have been prevented. If only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.
- In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
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Big One Liners
Which big one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with big? I can suggest the ones about hefty and large.
- We all know where the Big apple is but does anyone know where the… Minneapolis
- I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.
- Why are the pyramid located in Egypt? They were too big to transport to England.
- Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.
- How do you say goodbye to 20,000 Japanese? With a big wave.
- What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.
- My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me? Single.
- What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
- What's the worst thing about Austria? I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.
- What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.
- I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS! oh... sorry...
- How do you say goodbye to an Indonesian? with a big wave
- (For big brains only) What do you call a car when it turns into a driveway? A driveway.
- My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges. That's a big step forward.
- I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep. Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.
So Big Jokes
Here is a list of funny so big jokes and even better so big puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
- My wife just told me that in 9 months, I'm in for a big surprise... I can't wait for Santa to come now!!
- What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.
- I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.
- Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement? My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
- A girl I was dating invited me over to her place. When I went into her room, she had a Soviet banner draped on her wall. I left immediately. It was a big red flag.
- My wife accused me of achieving nothing... So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."
"What's that?" she said
"It's a big building with kids in it" - People think that just because I grew up in the ghetto back in the 80s, i should walk around carrying a big ol' boom box on my shoulder. But I refuse to go with that stereotype.
- Whoever coined the term 'delivery' for childbirth made a big mistake. It should have been called takeout instead.
- I am thinking of moving to Switzerland, I hear the social benefits are really great. Their cool looking flag is a really big plus, too
You So Big Jokes
Here is a list of funny you so big jokes and even better you so big puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. I've never had a beef with one.
- Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes... ...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo
- "Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he said.
It took me three hours. - Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me?
Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats! - My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life. Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.
- A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
- In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.
- Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him "go big or go home", he only had one option.
- Why are orphans successful? Because its either go big or go home. What choice do they have?
- Two wind turbines are talking to each other... One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."
Big Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny big man jokes and even better big man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
- A man ran up to me shouting "Big hole with water in the ground! Big hole with water in the ground! He seemed strange but I think he means well
- I advertised a python for sale in the paper a man rang up and said What size is it?
I replied It's quite big
How many feet? he asked,
None, it's a snake... - A man walks into a bar with a big slab of tarmac/asphalt under his arm... The barman asks him, "So what can I get you?"
"I'll have a pint and eh, one for the road." - I met the man who invented the Big Mac today… He was much smaller and less appealing than he looked in his photos…
- Okay, Lama spelled with one 'L' is a holy man in Tibet. With two 'L's, a llama is a South American pack animal. So, what is a three 'L' lama?
A big fire in Boston. - Police are currently on the search for a man who steals the ends of jokes. He is described as being a tall, blond man with a very big
- A man goes to mcdonalds and orders a big mac with a large fry. The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit."
- My friend admitted to steroid use. It takes a big man to do that.
- I know a man who is so good at taxidermy, the level of detail is incredible and he really brings the animal to life, especially deer... That's why he makes the big bucks.
Big Hand Jokes
Here is a list of funny big hand jokes and even better big hand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
- Classic. Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands. - My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
- I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
And then "My what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well. - I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.
- You know what they say. Big hands, big feet... Two outta three ain't bad!
- What time is bed time at the Catholic church? When the big hand touches the little hand!
- You know what they say about big hands... Big clock.
- How do you know it's midnight at the Neverland Ranch? The big hand's touching the little hand.
Cheerful Fun Big Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about big you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gigantic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make big pranks.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
A bear walks in to a bar and says, I'll have a gin and..........tonic. The bartender asks, Why the big pause? The bear looks down for a second and says, I don't know,
I guess I was just born this way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are a**...!"
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an a**...."
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?
Because his snow b**... are too big.
a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada
He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it
"A moose" replied the bartender
"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot
I was on a blind date with this girl...
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I witnessed an actual m**... in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
The genie of the lamp
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.
The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?
She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.
He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.
Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.
Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a blind girl says you have a big w**...…
She's probably just pulling your leg.
I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.
Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."
I met a pretty girl.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son asked me what a dilemma was?
"Imagine you're n**... and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"
Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"
Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her and says "okay what's going on, what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?
The little girl looks at him and says "because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii"
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
... and saw a guy walking around with a big stick.
So I asked: "Are you a pole vaulter?".
He replied: "No I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(stole this joke from Billy Connolly)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and p**......"
So I took off her bra and p**....
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my first grey p**... hair today
I just didn't expect it to be in my Big Mac
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus is hanging on the cross.
There's a big loud crowd gathered when he's heard weakly calling for Matthew. Matthew rushes toward the cross but is brutally beaten back by the Roman soldiers guarding it. He runs around to the far side and tries again. Again he's beaten back. Finally after several more attempts a beaten and b**... Matthew makes it to the cross.
Yes lord what do you have to tell me
Jesus replies I can see your house from up here
Missing my dad today. Here's the friends in low places parody he used to sing to us at bathtime.
I take baths in wet places
Where the waters warm
And the soap chases my dirty away
I'm clean today
Now I'm not big on washing faces
Think I'll slip on down and wash other places
I take baths
In wet places
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's big and white and will kill you if it falls out a tree?
A freezer.
Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.
Sorry, but I'm a vet, I specialize in horses.
Come on, please, it can't be that big of a difference?
Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?
Autobots, assemble!
(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)
So I did some research...
and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...
Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.
An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...
Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"
"b**...!! b**...!! Big b**...!!"
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to a fat girl today...
I said to a fat girl today,
"You're a big girl!"
She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."
I said, "Salad tastes nice"
A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."
‟On what grounds?
‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.
‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?
‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.
^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he beat you up?
‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.
‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
‟We just can't seem to communicate.
