Big Head Jokes

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who go up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!"

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. Wow, this bed is big!

Everything is bigger in Texas, says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. Wow these drinks are big!
The bartender replies, Everything is big in Texas.
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. Second door to the right, says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, Don't flush, don't flush!

Guy goes golfing with his wife

An avid golf fan took his wife golfing, and was having the game of his life. They got to the 17th hole, a short par 4, and he hits his drive way left. When he finds his ball, it's behind a large shed that stands directly between the ball and the green.
Dismayed, he decides to lay up and hit a chip shot back into the fairway to go for bogey. Right before he hits, his wife comes up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"
Encouraged by this idea, he takes the shot. The ball bounces off the front of the shed, hits his wife in the head and tragically kills her.
Years later, this guy plays this same course again, this time with a few of his buddies, and is once again having another once in a lifetime type of game. On the 17th hole, remembering what happened the last time, he nervously tees off and is heartbroken to see his ball follow a nearly identical path as the last time he played. He gets up to the ball and it's almost in the same spot, so he lines up to chip it back into the fairway. His buddy runs up and says, "Wait wait, this shed has big double doors on each side! We can just open up both sides and you can hit your shot right through the shed and up onto the green!"
The guy stares at him and says, "no way. last time I tried that, I triple bogeyed!"

A chicken walks into a library....

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it"

Hans and Jervaise....

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Now Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Jervaise with vile green hairy-lip squid.

A husband and wife are out golfing...

So a husband and wife are out golfing, on their favorite course by an old abandoned farm. On the 14th hole, a par 4, the husband hooks his shot way to the left, landing near the doors of a big barn. Just as he's setting up to hit it around the barn, his wife stops him and says,
"Wait, honey, how about I just open the doors, and you can just chip it right through straight toward the green?"
The husband agrees, and the wife opens the doors for him and stands to the side. He then lines up his shot, takes it, and the ball ricochets off the barn and hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
...
A few years later, the husband is out golfing on the same course with a friend of his. On that same 14th hole, he hits his shot to exactly the same place near the barn. Just as he's about to hit his second shot around the barn, his friend says,
"Wait, how about I just open the doors and you can chip it right through toward the green?"
The husband replies "Nah, last time I tried that I shot a bogey."

The dead construction worker

A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot.
The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off.
One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer.
The other workers are surprised: I thought you would tell Bobs wife that he had died?
Jack: I did!
Other guy: so where did you get the beer?
Jack: well, I went to his house, rang the doorbell, and when his wife answered, I asked: are you the widow Jones? To which she said: well, yes and no, i'm called Jones, but i'm not a widow. Them I said: No? I bet you a case of beer you are!

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the saw again. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's in rehab again, exercising". Sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days, fully recovered.
But, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down crying and says, "He's dead!" Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in?", sighs Tom. "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

The Pink Gorilla

An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall."
The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said
"Tag, you're it!"

A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.
Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customers all waiting to get their prom tuxes. So he waits in line for about an hour until finally he can get fitted. He buys a green vest to match his date's dress.
Then he and his date decide they want to take a limo to prom, so he heads over to the limousine rental place and stands in line for an hour and a half waiting to order a limo. When he finally gets to the front, he orders a long white limo for 8 people.
The big day finally arrives and the kid and his date and their six friends all pull up to the dining hall in their white limo but because they've arrived a little late, they have to wait in line for about 25 minutes before they can get in.
Once in the dining hall, the kid and his date head to the dinner buffet and stand behind dozens of hungry students waiting to get their food. After a 35 minute line, they finally sit down with their food when the kid's date realizes she forgot to grab a beverage.
He heads over to the punch bowl to get her some juice and is surprised to see there's no punch line.

The army had to fire three of their generals..

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:
"You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another"
The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said
"Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next.
The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said
"Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.
They got to the final general, who promptly said
"I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut"
The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut"
The general said with a big smile on his face:
"I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

Brooke Gladstone told this on "On The Media" today. Told it to several people and no one else thought it was nearly as funny as I did except for my brother and my wife.

Okay. So a guy is going down the street and he sees his friend. He hasn't seen him for I don't know how long. And he has this big orange head. And, and he goes up to him and he goes, hey, what's with the big orange head? And he goes, you know, it's a funny story. I was, I was in an antique shop and I found this lamp and I, I rubbed it and a genie came out, it gave me three wishes. And so, I wished for a gorgeous house and, and you see behind me this huge mansion. Yeah, it's really nice. That's the house. And then I wished for a beautiful wife, and, and you see that really lovely blonde coming down the street. That's my wife! And, and then here's where I think I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.

Tanslated East German Jokes

A man walks to the dock where he sees a big cargo ship. He shouts: "Where are you heading?"
The captain answers: "We are a trading ship loaded with industrial goods and are headed for St.Petersburg to trade with the sowjet union."

The man: "Oh and with what are you getting back?"

The captain: "If we are lucky we get back with our ship."

--------

The sowjet Union and the people's republic of China had some border conflict where Moscow threated to use nukes. After the US President said he would use nukes on Chinas side, they agree to negotiate a peace treaty.

China: We want 1000 new Diesel Motors.
Muscow: Done.
China: We also want 100 new trains.
Muscow: Done.
China: And finally 1000 tons of rice.
Muscow: Oh we cant do that, rice can not be produced in east Germany.

-----

The context is that the sowjet union took a huge part of Germany's production without asking or paying.

The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with it running."

Four men are out golfing...

They were just teeing off when the three men noticed one of their buddies, Jim, was looking a little distraught. Curious, they asked him what was wrong.
"You see that big oak tree over there?" the man replied as he pointed out towards the hole. The other three men nodded. "You see," Jim continued "A few months ago I was out golfing this same course with my wife. I teed off and the ball hit that big oak tree, ricocheted back and hit my wife in the head and she died."
Astounded, the other three men gasped and profusely apologized for their friend's loss. "Yeah I know" Jim said, "I got a 5 on that hole."

Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.
First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"
The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think.
Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!"
The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think."
Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it.
The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!"
He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

A Nun walks into a construction site

An older nun, who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
And so, she decided she would take her lunch and sit with the workers.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And, do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down. "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

American Businessman's First Visit to Japan

A successful American businessman heads to Japan to meet with a big supplier. Naturally, the Japanese are going to set him up with a good time and loads of entertainment. The first night, they go to Karaoke and a gorgeous young Karaoke hostess is sent back to the man's hotel room to entertain him further.
Despite her willingness, she still wants everything done with the lights off. As he is going at it, she is crying out "Oshimigaso, Oshimigaso", over and over.
When it is all said and done, he asks her, "What does Oshimigaso mean?"
"Oh," she says blushing, "it means 'fantastic' or 'incredible'."
The next morning, the businessman joins his Japanese hosts for a round of golf. Naturally.
On the fifth hole, the CEO of the Japanese company hits a hole-in-one.
Aiming to impress, the American cries out, "Oshimigaso, OSHIMIGASO!!".
The Japanese CEO replies, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

The doctor and the bunny (clean)

A doctor is driving home one dark and stormy night. A few yards ahead, a rabbit bolts out from the forest. Try as he may, the doctor couldn't stop in time and he struck the rabbit.
An animal lover, the good doctor leapt from the car to see if he could help the little guy. But the rabbit was not responsive. He ran back to the car to get his medical bag, but then realized that he was driving his wife's car, and so his bag would not be there. He reached into the glove box and pulled out what he thought was a bottle of water.
Returning to the bunny, he carefully lifted its little head and helped it sip from the bottle. To his amazement, the bunny sprang back to life. The bunny gave him a big wave and then hopped off. It stopped a few feet away and then waved again. Bounding up the hill, once again the little bunny waved. Astonished by the remarkable recovery, the doctor looked at bottle in his hand and read the label out loud, Hair restorer with permanent wave.

A man walks into a bar in Iraq

Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand.
"You're not from around here are you"? ask the ISIS leader.
"n, no... I'm from America" the man says.
"are you an American soldier?"
"actually... I'm a taxidermist." Says the man.
"What in the world is a taxidermist?" the leader asks him.
"Well... you know.. I mount animals" the man replies.
A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face..
"He's ok fellas... he's one of us!"

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 10,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 50,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?"
Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

A rich man is walking down the street...

He's about to get run over by a truck when a homeless man jumps on him and gets him out the way in the nick of time,
Thank you so much says the rich man, if there's anything I can do for you please let me know
The homeless man has a think and says I'd like a town built for myself and all my homeless friends
The rich man shakes his head and says I'm afraid I can't do that, ask something else
The homeless man thinks again and says make me the handsomest man so I can have any woman I desire
The rich man looks at the homeless man and says how big do you want this town?

The head of KFC called the Pope

He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
kfc called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.