Bid Jokes
44 bid jokes and hilarious bid puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bid that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bid Short Jokes
Short bid jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bid humour may include short contractor jokes also.
- Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors? They're up all night to get Lockheed.
- You know you're getting old when when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Happy Cake Day to me! - Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor I'm in it for the long hall
- In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off... With rapidly detiorating mental health.
- So rick perry drops his presidential bid Today.. I thought his campaign wasn't for late term abortions.
- How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
- A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter. Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.
- Does anyone know how to cancel eBay bids? I bid £10 on a cowboy outfit and I'm about 5 minutes away from owning the Tory Party.
- If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese.... Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!
(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*) - What did the Frenchman with bad allergies say when he had to leave the dinner party? My sincerest apologies but I bid you all ACHOO.
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Bid One Liners
Which bid one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bid? I can suggest the ones about proposal and presidency.
- My son was on eBay this morning No bids yet
- I've had enough of my girlfriend's obsession with auctions. So I bid her farewell.
- I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction Now he does my bidding
- Where can you bid on internet mail order brides? eBae
- You know you're old when you walk into a antique store And they start bidding on you.
- Who's your favorite nun? Ya Bidness
- How do people in the Middle East bid farewell to each other? They Dubai
- What does one auctioneer say to the other at the end of the day? "I bid you fair well"
- Why did Henry VII's bid for the English crown cost so much to insure? It was a Tudor coup
- How do you bid farewell to your pet rock? You let it roll.
- Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House
- Chuck Norris doesn't even have to bid in an auction to win it.
- Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."? More-bid curiousity.
- Black = 'White' Taking in bids.
} - PressTV-Iran v-ballers bid farewell to FIVB league
Bid Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about bid you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean governor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bid pranks.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
How do you bid farewell to a s**... open Arctic animal with a mental disorder.
"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!"
A man sits down at a children's park
A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.
Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"
The man replies "I haven't decided yet."
Well I'm down to just my toupee in s**... poker...
And now I must bid you a 'do.
What were h**...'s last words?
I bid you a-jew
What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise?
Did you just assume my vendor?
A coin was thrown on the pitch at Ibrox...
Police are still investigating if it was used as a missile or a takeover bid.
My nieces are darlings...
My nieces are darlings said Sid.
I'm obliged to do whatever they bid.
As I tucked them in bed,
I asked "What's to be read?"
"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so I did.
Traffic
Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said "Roundabouts are fair play".
Being PC
In a bid to be more politically correct a f**... home has announced plans to use new f**... cars.
They have set plans to introduce the new line as his and hearse f**... cars.
RedSox has a AAA farm team the PawSoxs
The team is in Pawtucket RI. They wanted to move to Cumberland RI, thankfully they lost the bid.
Why can't US Presidents play bridge together?
Because Donald gets confused whenever someone makes a bid of No Trumps.
After losing his bid to become a senator, Roy Moore has announced that he wants to learn the guitar and become a musician.
I don't know why my Ex-Fiance keeps calling me...
I left her at the alter, I even bid her adieu!
When his wife went missing...
... her husband searched everywhere for her. As well as filing a missing persons report with the police, he contacted all her friends and family in a bid to trace her, but no luck. Then two days after she vanished, he returned home to find her standing in the bathroom.
He threw his arms around her and cried: "Where have you been? I've been worried sick."
"These four masked men kidnapped me," she said, "tied me up and took me away to their place, and then had wild s**... with me for a week."
"A week? But it's only been two days," said the husband.
She answered: "I'm just here to get my toothbrush and make-up."