Bible Jokes
153 bible jokes and hilarious bible puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bible that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bible jokes are a great way to lighten the mood and have some fun with friends and family. Here are some of our favorites.
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Funniest Bible Short Jokes
Short bible jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bible humour may include short biblical jokes also.
- If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm– –BODY ONCE TOLD ME…
- Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses. He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
Trump 20:16 - if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief? The Bible.
- My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
- Why do old people start reading the bible more often? They are studying for their final exam.
- guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible... he said he's an eighth theist
- My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning. It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.
- Why do writers hate the bible? It has terrible characters, noah is the only one with an arc.
- I'm reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible. Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.
- "How much would you say you read the Bible?" "Well, I don't read it religiously."
Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.
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Bible One Liners
Which bible one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bible? I can suggest the ones about new testament and religion.
- The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other The Kamasutra is more specific.
- When is the Bible accurate? When it's thrown from a short distance.
- Jesus' life told by the bible 1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet - I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist.
- Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing? It doesn't have any answers.
- I went running with my Bible... ...now my Psalms are sweaty.
- There is a bible book all about beer... Its called Hebrews
- Where does baseball appear in the Bible? Genesis
In the Big Inning. - My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm: body once told me the world was gonna roll me.
- In the bible, Samson was a tough man. But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.
- What's one of the most followed fantasy books? The Bible.
- All men should make coffee for their woman It says it right in the bible: "Hebrew"
- Who was the greatest babysitter in the bible? David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!
- Who was the most learned person in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.
- Women aren't supposed to make coffee. The Bible says.. Hebrews
Bible Christianity Jokes
Here is a list of funny bible christianity jokes and even better bible christianity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs? The same.
- As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols
- Trump's Twitter is like the Christian Bible Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views
- Justin Timberlake was a devout christian during his N-Sync days. He was always reading his Bye Bye Bible.
- As a Christian I always take the holy bible into the bathroom to read And I don't stop till all Acts are done
- I asked this christian how many bibles she had in her backpack And she told me it was nun of my business
- Why is a vegetarian mathematician always a good Christian? Because in the Bible it says "be fruitful and multiply"
- How do you hide money from a Fundamentalist Christian? Put it in a Bible.
Bible Study Jokes
Here is a list of funny bible study jokes and even better bible study puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I guess my girlfriend doesn't like it when I use too many abbreviations. She got pretty mad at me today for referring to her Bible Study as BS.
- What do you call a bible study with one priest and seven church goers? Eight theists
- Church I'm going to start a religious sect for people who love both bible study and varietals of cheddar.
It shall be called The Church of Cheesus Christ. - I saw a Bible study once. It did really well on the exam.
- If there was such a thing g as competitive Bible Study, would the championships be called prayoffs?
Bible Verse Jokes
Here is a list of funny bible verse jokes and even better bible verse puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not many people know this but there's actually a bible verse about Shrek It's called Psalm-BODY ONCE TOLD ME!!!
- What's a priest's favorite non-bible verse? It's not adultery if they're not adults
- This particular bible verse got me through a bunch of tough times as a kid. Lunch 11:35.
- What Bible verse keeps every student going? Lunch 11:35.
- Today's Bible verse would be according to Psalm- -BODY once told me
- Just finished reading the bible My favorite verse?
Ezekiel 25:17 - My pastor spits fire bible verses at parties... His magician name is Sir Preach-A-Lot
- Why is the shortest verse in the bible Jesus Wept? Because Jesus Cries
Cheerful Fun Bible Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about bible you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gospel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bible pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."
- Leviticus 20:13 ESV
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The real reason Washington state passed Gay-marriage and recreational m**... use.
Because the bible says when two men lie together, they should be s**....
Fred and John...
Fred and John are in bible school the teacher asks, "who created the world" John raises his hand and is called on, Fred pokes him with a pencil right as he is answering. John says "My God" and the teacher replies "correct", he then asks "what did Eve say after she had her 3rd baby?", John raises his hand again and is called on. As he is answering he is poked again with the the pencil, he says "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!"
There has been some controversy regarding priests delivering sermons using an iPad instead of the traditional bible.
I think its perfectly fine. After all, Moses delivered the ten commandments using two tablets.
2 parrots
A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.
The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.
"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."
"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."
The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"
A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.
So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"
This year I got my wife the Baking Bible for Christmas
because last year I got her the Baking Quran, which really blew up in my face.
I love you unconditionally*. -God
*Terms and conditions apply.
See Bible for more details.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After s**..., a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.
As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke w**... after s**.... After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be s**...."
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend.
He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be s**...'."
Religious Cowboy
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a toad walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the toad's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the toad. "Your name is written inside the cover."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... should've been legalized at the same time as same s**...-marriage
because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the Bible says
"If a man is to lay with another man he should be s**...." in my experience it helps
Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?
That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
According to the bible, women's first mistake was listening to the devil.
Man's first mistake was listening to the woman.
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
How accurate is the Bible?
100% at short range
So I went to visit an old friend with a stutter...
He had made quite a bit of money since we had seen each other and I asked him how he did it. "Well I I go do door to do door and sel sell bibles". I asked him how he had made so much doing it and he said that he just says "yo you can b buy a bi bible or I I can re read iit to you".
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The bible says "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"
But I think that's s**... harassment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One time in band camp...
They threatened me with eternal t**....
Oh wait that was Bible camp.
Jesus must have had a chiseled, muscular body...
I mean, he did cross fit, for God's sake. And the Bible tells us he was cut, ripped, and shredded.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why do feminist hate the bible?
Because it ends with A-men
The Lost Bible
One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....
The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man...
I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!
What do you call a Bible for the blind?
The Holy Braille!
I've just downloaded a copy of the Bible from the internet…
When I'd finished, it said, "Saved."
Why was Noah the best business man in the bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated
What do you call the "Alternative Facts Handbook"?
The Bible
Scientists have found that sheep can read!
Strangely it only works with the Bible.
I read The Bible and then went to church...
The book was better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be s**...'
I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.
I just read the bible, really good book. Had a lot of character development
In my opinion, the Noah Arc was the best part
I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"
But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"
A pastor was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol.
After endless anecdotes about its evils and dozens of bible passages regarding its sinfulness he concludes quite passionately that if it were up to him he'd dump all the town's booze into the river.
Following this display the organist leads the congregation in a hymn. They sang Shall we gather at the river?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Hey Girl, are you a bible?
Cause you look like you haven't been picked up in a long time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about m**....
He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.
The Bible does not condemn homosexuality
The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.
What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay
I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed
I hate it when characters come back to life in fiction...
It really removes some tension from the book. That's why I didn't like the bible.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know people did drugs in the Bible?
That guy Stephen got s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do old people like to read the Bible?
Because some of it might he on the final exam.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young m**... on his first term in Africa..
..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Do not try to read between the lions.
What's difference between Bible and Trigonometry?
Eating Apple was greatest sin while in Trigonometry it's 1.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,
So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be d**... the father said
He's going to become a politician.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bible told me to "Treat my neighbour as I would treat myself".
So I went nextdoor and gave him a h**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I study different religions. Through dedicated research, I found one similarity that the Bible, Quran, Torah, and even the Book of m**... all share.
They are all equally flammable.
Little Johnny coming home from the store
Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.
He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.
Did you know it's forbidden for women to make coffee? In the bible it says...
He-Brews
Have you heard the one about the parrot?
Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?
Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.
What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?
A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.
One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...
One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"
"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."
What do you call a blind priest's bible?
The Holy Braille
It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury
He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.
