Bible Jokes

Bible jokes are a great way to lighten the mood and have some fun with friends and family. Here are some of our favorites.

Cheerful Fun Bible Jokes for Lovely Laughter

I'm reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Edit1: a typo

Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

jokes about bible

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

2 parrots

A woman tells her priest, Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, 'Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?'
Don't worry, says the priest. I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We'll put them in the same cageβ€”your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest's home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?
One male says to the other, Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!

An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

The three men were having a debate about whose job was the oldest.

"Obviously it's my job," bragged the hunter. "Cavemen got their food by hunting, which makes my job older than civilization."

"Yes," the architect replied, "but if you read the Bible, it says God created the universe out of darkness and chaos. This technically makes God the architect of the universe."

The lawyer simply smirked. "True, but who do you think invented darkness and chaos?"

Bible joke, An architect, a lawyer, and a hunter were sitting at a bar.

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette.

As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."

Why do old people read the bible so much?

I asked my grandad the other day "why do old people read the bible so much?"

He replied "cause we're cramming for finals"

My gay friend told me he's spending this 4/20 with his boyfriend.

He said, "After all, the Bible says 'Two men who lie together shall be stoned'."

You can explore bible church reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bible christianity dad jokes. There are also bible puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car

"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy

"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.

After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"

"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"

The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"

Marijuana should've been legalized at the same time as same sex-marriage

because it says in the bible, a man who lies with another man shall be stoned

"How much would you say you read the Bible?"

"Well, I don't read it religiously."

Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

Bible joke, Why do writers hate the bible?

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.

The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"

His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."

His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

The bible says "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"

But I think that's sexual harassment.

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Cramming for finals :)

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.

Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?"
"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.

It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the dog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the dog. "Your name is written inside the cover."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.

The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"

Bible joke, A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

When is the bible accurate?

When thrown from close range

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Hey Girl, are you a bible?

Cause you look like you haven't been picked up in a long time.

I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible...

... I guess that makes me an 1/8 thiest.

Why do old people start reading the bible more often?

They are studying for their final exam.

Yo mama so old...

...she preordered the Bible.

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13]

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

If you want to learn about the religious influence of Shrek, open your bible to Psalm

body once told me...

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an eighth theist

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

The Bible says it's okay to be gay

So long as you're high

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible...

he said he's an eighth theist

Which bible verse does a priest say often to the altar boy?

**Psalm 81:10.**

​

**....** open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

Christian's these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is more specific.

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible.

Because I am an eighth-theist.

The Holy Bible teaches us to love one another...

...the Kama Sutra is a bit more specific.

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an 8th theist.

My son told me the Bible is very clear, there are two genders.

Dirt and ribs.

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.

You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.

The end is near

Every time a little boy went to his friend's house, he found the that his grandmother was always deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

Why does your grandmother read the Bible so much? he asked.

I don't know, said his friend, but I think she's cramming for her finals.

Why doesn't the bible have an "about the author"?

It was written by a holy-ghostwriter

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!"

"Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins."

Word of the Bible

Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.

--- fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?

1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his ass(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....

if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The Bible.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bible gospel puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bible scripture piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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