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Betting Jokes

48 betting jokes and hilarious betting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about betting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of funny jokes about betting, sports betting, horse racing betting, blackjack, and more! Whether you're a gambler, a sports fan, or just looking for a good laugh, this article has something for everyone. Read these jokes to find out what makes betting so much fun!

Funniest Betting Short Jokes

Short betting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The betting humour may include short gambling jokes also.

  1. 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
    Both started running away.
  2. My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta
  3. Everyone is a fan of Stephen hawking now that he died. I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.
  4. My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
  5. I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.
  6. I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
  7. The other day i saw two blind guys fighting I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!
    They run away from each other
  8. Schrodinger's cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it's widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he's rolling in his grave... and not
  9. Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one. Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.
  10. My wife bet me that I wouldn't dare give our daughter a silly name. So I decided to call her Bluff.

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Betting One Liners

Which betting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with betting? I can suggest the ones about bets and bidding.

  1. I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society. My parents did.
  2. Democracy in Russia I bet you were expecting more.
  3. I bet when Hugh Hefner dies... ...no one will say he's in a better place.
  4. I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water Well, dam!
  5. What does gaslighting mean? It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.
  6. I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.
  7. How do you think Jesus felt about being crucified? I'll bet he was a little cross.
  8. I bet jellyfish are sad... that there are no peanut butter fish.
  9. I just put a bottle antifreeze in the freezer. Place your bets now.
  10. Would it be dangerous for a human to live 65 million years ago? You bet jurassic would.
  11. I bet if Leornardo DiCaprio has a kid... he names it Oscar so he can finally have one.
  12. I bet the ChatGPT servers are taking a leisurely stroll through the digital landscape.
  13. Small town gynecologists... I bet they spend a lot of time looking up old friends.
  14. I bet rosa Parks killed it in musical chairs.
  15. I bet you've already heard this It's a pretty common word.

Horse Betting Jokes

Here is a list of funny horse betting jokes and even better horse betting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I lost all my money betting on horse races. Turns out they can run WAY faster than I can.
  • I lost 25 pounds. Just want to say I lost 25 pounds and I'm proud of myself. The last time I was betting on horses I lost £ 100,-.
  • I was in the betting shop and my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named 'Landfill'. Turns out it was a rubbish tip.
  • What's the best way to stop a runaway horse? Bet on it.
  • My friend asked me to bet all my money on a horse called 'Landfill.' Turned out to be a rubbish tip.
  • I went to the races yesterday. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
  • Tesco reported a £6.4bn loss.. I guess that's what you get for betting on horses!
  • Just went to the bookies to put a bet on a horse called "Dirty Carpet" it's never been beaten

Betting Shop Jokes

Here is a list of funny betting shop jokes and even better betting shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man goes into a butcher's shop and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
    The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."
  • My Grandpa owned a Kebab shop for 20 years. When he died we buried him with all of his equipment.
    I bet he's turning in his grave.

Sports Betting Jokes

Here is a list of funny sports betting jokes and even better sports betting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why does Gordon Ramsey never bet on any sports events? Because he never likes the steakes.
  • On a noticeboard in a men's room at a sports club: There will be no gambling here. Someone had scribbled underneath: Wanna bet?
  • Why are sports bets i**... for the composer? He arranges the score
Betting joke, Why are sports bets i**... for the composer?

Comedy Betting Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about betting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lottery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make betting pranks.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".

Guy can tell how any animal was killed

Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**

My friends and I were betting

My friends and I were betting, how much w**... would it take to get a cow s**....
Needless to say, the steaks were high
(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, that's kind of a crapshoot.

What is Divorce?

It is betting half your stuff you'll love someone forever.

A physicist tries betting on horse races

The physicist could not get any job, so he decided to bet on horse races to make a living. He did intensive experimentation, and used state of the art machine learning algorithms to gain more insight. After filling many notebooks and accumulating a very large amount of data, he exclaims "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical horses of uniform density applying a uniform force in a closed system and a vacuum."

A man walks into his house and there are many family members in his living room

He says If I where a betting man I would say that y'all are here to stop me from doing something and a relative speaks up and says you are a betting man. This is your intervention .

My friend and I were betting on a coin.

I asked my friend to give me a heads-up before he flipped it.

The best thing you can do is betting your house in the casino.

The house always win.

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life's savings on this one Filly.

...
I also considered putting money on the derby.

I caught a friend betting on a hospitalized children's limbo contest...

When I confronted him, I asked, "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"

A man is sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, crying.

The Bartender notices him and asks him what's wrong.
The man answers:''I lost over 50 grand this weekend betting on sports. I Went 0-8 in Baseball, 0-13 in Basketball, 0-6 In Football and 0-9 in Soccer."
The bartender, in disbelief, tries to soothe the man:"Have you ever tried betting on Hockey?"
The man quickly responds:"Of course not. I don't know anything about hockey!"

Two farmers were betting on a horse race.

They put up some of their grain crops for the gamble. One of the farmers is better at math and so kept a tally. At the end of the day, the other farmer asked the first one if overall they had won or lost anything. The other one responded: "we lost, but just barley."

I've decided to invest in boomerangs

They're not too popular now, but I'm betting they'll make a comeback!

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?

You shout, I'm betting on the dude with the knife!

Betting joke, Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?