Better Half Jokes
49 better half jokes and hilarious better half puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about better half that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Better Half Short Jokes
Short better half jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The better half humour may include short half wit jokes also.
- Wonder Woman would have been a much better movie without all the product placement. 2 and a half hours of Amazon this and Amazon that... sheesh.
- Trump is about to become the only President to be impeached twice He's desperate to prove that anything a Democrat can do, he can do better and in half the time.
- I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor.
- Limerick There was an old man
From peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh, "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."
- It's true that I only have one black friend... ...but it sounds better when I say half of my friends are black.
- My better half said period jokes aren't clever So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.
- Why is it better to get Parkinson's rather than Alzheimer's? Coz it's better to spill half of your beer than forget where you put it!
- Are you alright? Actually i am half right and half left.
edit;i just realised this better fits to dadjokes but nahhhh - "I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".
- Strange how people think Mules do better work than Donkeys. Especially considering Mules only do a half a**... job.
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Better Half One Liners
Which better half one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with better half? I can suggest the ones about half and perfect husband.
- Grandmother's in a better place now... Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.
- A man's wife is his better half His mistress is his better whole
- The lobotomist ran off with my wife... And I think he took off with my better half.
- It's better to have half a proverb .
- Minecraft: Story Mode Nerdcubed did it better nearly half a decade sooner
Better Half Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about better half you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean significant other jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make better half pranks.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".
They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.
He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.
He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Never question a drunk!
A 37 year old woman at the super market says: NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK . . . . I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated -- 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found "Mr. Right." I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.....
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said -- 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied -- 'Cause you're ugly'.
Little Johny comes home one day...
Little Johny came home from school one day, and while walking down the hall to his room, happened to look into his parent's room. He saw his mom laying on the bed with dad on top, going at it. At that moment, his dad looked over, and gave a little half grin to Little Johny all while going at it harder on his mom. Little Johny walked down the hall and out of sight of dad.
When they were finished, dad told mom what happened, and mom exclaimed, "You better go explain what we were doing, or he'll be scarred!" Chuckling, dad put on some pants, and walked to Little Johny's room, only to find it empty. Confused, he went to gramma's room and opened the door, only to see Little Johny pumping away at gramma. "Little Johny!" dad screamed, furious, "What do you think you"re doing!" Looking up, Little Johny said, "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom, is it!"
Nineteen!
A guy gets fired from his job, and as he's walking home, head down, he hears someone yelling "Nineteen! Nineteen!" He looks around, and some w**... is jumping up and down in the middle of the street, pumping his fist in the air. "Nineteen! Nineteen!" Curious and with nothing better to do, the man walks over and asks him what's going on.
"Oh, I do this every day," the w**... says cheerfully. "It's great! You should try it."
"Nah... I just got fired and I really don't think anything can cheer me up."
"C'mon, just give it one try."
So the guy reluctantly agrees, stands next to him and half-heartedly jumps in the air, saying "Nineteen."
"No, no, you have to really commit to it. Like this: NINETEEN! NINETEEN!"
"OK, fine... Nineteen! Nineteen! ... You know, this really is making me feel better! NINETEEN! NINETEEN!" Just then, he makes an extra-high jump, and the w**... quickly bends down and yanks the manhole cover out from under him. "AAAaaaaaahhhh...." *splash*
The w**... puts the manhole cover back, looks around, jumps up in the air and yells "TWENTY!"
Computer gender joke
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
Conveyor Belt
A man was shopping at his local supermarket where he selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
He unloaded his items on the conveyor belt to check out, and the cashier said "You must be single."
The young man was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but he was intrigued by the check-out girl's intuition, since he was indeed single. He looked at his six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about his selections that could have tipped off the cashier.
Curiosity getting the better of him, he said "Well, you
know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The cashier replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A specimen, you ask?
So Mrs. O'Reilly, a dear old lady, hadn't been feeling too well lately, and she tells her husband, he tells her to give it a couple of days and if she still doesn't feel better, he'd take her to the doctor. A couple days pass, and dear old Mrs. O'Reilly isn't feeling any better so they make the trip to the hospital. The doctor gave Mrs. O'Reilly a full physical, checking anything that could be wrong but to no prevail, so he told her that he would need a specimen to be sure of what was making the old lady ill. Mrs. O'Reilly said okay and that she would return at her next appointment with the specimen. During the ride home, the car was silent between Mrs. O'Reilly and her husband until he finally asked what was wrong, she replied that the doctor would need a specimen, but she hadn't an idea what it was, her husband shrugged and said he hadn't the slightest, they agreed that Mrs. O'Reilly would ask their nice neighbor Ms. Thomas if she knew what it was when they got home. When they arrived, the husband went inside and Mrs. O'Reilly went over to Ms. Thomas' home. Mrs. O'Reilly returned about a half hour later, all beaten up, hair askew and winded, her husband asked her what happened, she replied "i knocked on the door, was let in and asked Ms. thomas is she knew what a specimen was, she replied, p**... in a bottle' to which i retorted s**... in a hat!' and the fight was on!"
Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*
How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*
Why did the bassist keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
*So he could park in the handicap spot.*
What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
*A pizza can feed a family of four.*
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
*Ten: one to change it, and nine to say how Neil Peart would have done it better*.
PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'
The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.
He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'
A woman shopping at her local mart where....................
................................she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"
This guy goes to the zoo one day...
While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "F**k you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own c**..., looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
B'dum tsss
A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.
**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.
1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Anyone got any more?
The Genie With a Price
One day as he was walking on the beach, a man found a golden lamp.
He opened it and a large blue genie emerged from the bottle.
"You have 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double."
The man immediately wishes for 3 million dollars. He goes home to find 3 million dollars under his bed!
Suddenly his ex-wife texts him, "I just found 6 million dollars in my mailbox!".
The next day, the man asks the genie for the largest mansion in Dubai overlooking the sea. He enters his new mansion, but to his surprise, his ex-wife now owns an even larger mansion that sits atop of his with an even better view of the ocean.
The man thinks for a long time.
"This might sound weird but could you beat me half to death?"
After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free.
The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice.
After it all went down, the first man tells the other... "I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there", to which he replied "better than me, I just poked her and she f**... and flew out the window".
COMPUTERS: SHE OR HE?
COMPUTERS: SHE OR HE?
Why computers seem female:
-- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
-- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-- The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
-- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Why computers seem male:
-- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
-- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
-- As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
-- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Alcoholic to God
God meets alcoholic and tells him that he has been doing a lot of wrong things so has to suffer. He tells him he can choose one out of two diseases.
* Parkinson's disease (hand will shake continuously)
* Alzheimer's disease (memory loss)
After thinking for some, he replied that he will go for Parkinson's as it is better to spill half bottle of whiskey and drink only half of it than to forget where the whole bottle was kept.
2 Newfies are landing a airplane
2 Newfies are landing an airplane. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "That runway looks pretty short, better give me half flaps". "Roger" says the co-pilot. The pilot says, "That runway is really short, better give me 3/4 flaps." After a second, the pilot screams, "The runway is REALLY short, give me full flaps and brake hard as soon as we touch down!". The plane lands and come to a screeching halt immediately. The co-pilot says, "Wow, that runway was really short" and the pilot says, "Yes, but look how wide it is."
Old Farts Football
One night, an elderly couple lies in bed when all of a sudden the wife farts. She giggles and says "touchdown, 7 to nothing". The husband was startled by this, but not wanting to lose he tried as hard as he could to f**... and tie the game. He tried so hard, that he sharted. The wife questioned what the odd noise was, and the husband replied "after a quick first half, the second half is starting so we better switch sides".
You must be single...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
A man sees his dog chew up and s**... a pencil
Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."
Why dogs are better than women.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
10. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Leaving a tip
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".
The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".
When I was a kid, my dad would give me $5 and tell me to get groceries. I would come back with 2 j**... of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 1lb cheeze, 1lb Hamburger, 2 loafs of bread, and a half pound of butter.
But now a-days security has gotten better you just can't steal that much anymore.
Rustom was asked by God...
"If you had to choose one, would you pick
- Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
Rustom thought for a minute,
then chose Parkinsons.
"Why did you choose that?", asked God.
"It's better to spill half a glass of whiskey,
than to forget where the bottles are kept."
Scientist are doing an experiment on the human brain to see how much someone can function without certain parts...
They remove half the brain and ask the subject to count to ten. He counts "one, three, five, seven, nine". Fascinated, they put it back and remove the other half, then ask him to count to ten again. He counts "two, four, six, eight, ten." Finally, they remove the entire brain and ask him to count to ten one more time. He says "I can count to ten, I'm the best with numbers, I have the best numbers, the news, they say I can't count, that's wrong, they're wrong, I think, people, when they think about good numbers, I can count, with any numbers, all the time, better than China, better than anyone..."
Oldie but goodie
Girl says to her mother I read better than half the other girls in my class Momma is it because I'm blonde ? Yes honey it's because you're blonde . I can run faster than most of the other girls too momma, is it because I'm blonde ? Yes honey it's because you're blonde . I have big boobies too momma, and none of the other girls have anything, is that because I'm blonde too momma ? No sweetie that's because you're 24
An infinite number of mathematicians......
walk into a bar. And the first one says to the bartender, "I'll have a mug of beer". Then the second one says, "I'll have half a mug of beer". And the third then says, " I'll have a quarter of a mug of beer". And so on, until the bartender's heard enough and says, "OK! But you guys had better know your limits!!"
A beautiful joke from my better half.
This guy named John is driving to meet his best friend James who is a mechanic.
But on the way John noticed a problem and pulled over.
Knowing nothing about cars he called James
James came straight over and said I know the problem, you've got a flat mate .
John replied what's Gerald got to do with this?
How does Rob Zombie make brownies?
EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!
Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.