The Best 61 Bet Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Bet jokes. There are some bet poker jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bet odds puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Bet Jokes and Puns

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

I bet it's the snooty bitch at number twenty three, she replied.

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"


A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

Everyone is a fan of Stephen Hawking now that he died.

I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.

You can explore bet blackjack reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bet snooty dad jokes. There are also bet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

So..the wife and I were in town shopping....

..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

Schrodinger's cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it's widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he's rolling in his grave...

and not


I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

My wife bet me that I wouldn't dare give our daughter a silly name.

So I decided to call her Bluff.

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

A couple was having a conversation, when...

...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.

I went shopping with my wife today...

When I came across a group of women in short skirts.

I looked over to my wife and said "Ooh, I bet you wish you had legs like *those*"

She didn't say anything, but I could tell she was upset; I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Waitrose.

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas.

Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

I don't understand Christians

They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies

In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you Β£20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.

20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets Β£20 to give.



Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."

She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"

Democracy in Russia

I bet you were expecting more.

A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...

And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.

A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.

A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."

Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool boy has had with every woman in the neighborhood except one, do you know anything about that?" She replies "hmm, I bet it's Betty, she's a real prude."

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.)

The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies...

...no one will say he's in a better place.

I bet you $20 I can tell you the score of the big game tonight before it even starts.

Broncos: 0 Panthers: 0

I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water

Well, dam!

Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for money?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...

I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy...

(Sorry if repost, I did a search)

A woman gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and the doctor hands him to her, remarking, "That's a cute baby!"

Mom says, "Oh I bet you say that about every baby you deliver."

Doctor says, "No no, only when they're really cute."

"What do you say when they're ugly?"

"He looks just like his mother!"

Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.

After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!

The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!

My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened to me."

"That's not what I mean goddamnit, go fetch me some toilet paper."

As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...

"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I bet you never heard of someone paying $20 to have a garbanzo bean on their face.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won't be able to live with myself.

A blonde and a brunette

decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

What does gaslighting mean?

It sounds made up. I bet you made that up.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"

My girlfriend bet me I couldn't make a racing car out of spaghetti…

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta

A nun asks another

What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?

Nun: I would lift up my dress

Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?

Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down

Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?

Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.

Shopping with my wife

One time I was shopping with my wife when we saw a couple younger-looking women. I made the comment, "Gee, I bet you wish you still had legs like that, huh?" And she just lost her mind. It took me a good twenty minutes to get her to stop crying before I could wheel her out of there and up the ramp into the next store.

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of JΓ€germeister

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of JΓ€germeister.

The bartender looks at him and says "Wow 6 shots of JΓ€ger! You must be celebrating something."

The man replies,"You bet I am! I am celebrating my first blow job."

"Hey congrats man!" says the Bartender "I'll get you a 7th shot on the house"

The man replies "No thank you. If 6 shots of JΓ€ger doesn't get rid of this taste nothing will."

Can a crappy dinosaur joke get a laugh?

You bet Jurassican.

I heard they found water on Mars...

I bet California is pretty jealous.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bet craps jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working bet ante piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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