Following is our collection of house puns and bro one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Best Friends jokes for adults, dirty drive jokes and clean wrote dad gags for kids.
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
"Martha, if I slept with your husband, would we remain friends?"
"No."
"So, we'll be enemies then?
"No."
"What would we be then?
"Even."
Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
I guess they misheard me when I said I wanna watch.
"OK, combine them."
"Your wife is cheating on us."
Temporary.
So I'm just sitting here, watching the world go bi.
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.
**Me, during quarantine:** Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch!
He kept that quiet.
They never have beef with you.
She told her husband that she had spent the night at a friend's house. He called her 10 best friends and none of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he tells his wife he slept at a friend's house. She calls his 10 best friends. 8 confirmed he spent the night. The other 2 said he was still there.
A wife and a husband lies in bed and the man asks : wife, I bet you can't make me with one sentence happy and sad at the same time...
The wife replies that's easy : in comparison to all your best friends you have the biggest one 😅
Having 12 best friends in his 30's.
The husband asks her where did she spend her night so she says she slept at one of her best friends. The husband calls 10 of her best friends but none of them confirms
Next day, the husband comes home in the morning.Wife asks him where have you been and he says he spend the night at one of his best friends. The wife calls 10 of his best friends, 8 confirm her husband spend the night over and 2 of them swear he is still there sleeping
He became best friends with hand solo.
Two midle aged men who were the best of frinds since several years are talking over a beer. Suddenly one of them says in a thoughtful voice: "If I have sex with your wife, does that men we become related?" The other one looks at him with wide eys and says: "Nooo, but we become even..."
Two Finnish men meet in a bar, they haven't seen each other in over 30 years, but used to be best friends. One raises his beer and says 'cheers'.
The other responds, 'are we here to drink, or to talk?'
Will never tell your husband who the postman is
But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination.
Taste buds.
Donal says to Paddy, "If this plane turns upside down will we fall out?"
"No way Donal" says Paddy, smiling, "we'll still be best friends."
While babysitting, I was preparing a snack for my best friends daughter. Wasn't sure what I should give her, and noticed I had a lot of fruit. So I asked her "What's your favorite fruit?" She looked at me with complete seriousness, and said "loops".
They have a joint birthday party
Some of my best friends are racist
Ben and Jerry.
Three of my best friends and I are Jewish in a school with a total of probably 20 Jewish kids (so everyone know we are Jewish). This year for Halloween, the four of us are all going dressed in orange morph suits. If anyone asks what we are, we will simply respond with "orange juice."
Her: take off my bra
Me: Ok
Her: take off my panties
Me: Whoa Ok
Her: stop wearing my clothes.
Their names are Smith&Wesson
Brovines.
Turns out it was just one kid with ADHD
Because they form cow-whale-ant bond
It was just a casual talk with one of my best friends,when I told her
"*I'm a negative person will you be my modulus function*"(read it somwhere)
And her reply was
"*I'm a square root so cant take any negatives otherwise this whole thing will become complex*"
I got mathametic-zoned
It wasn't a foursome or anything, Roll Tide.
God, I love Spongebob.
We're best friends for everest
They always stick together.
Because they are best spuds!
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
Think of two of your best friends. If they are okay, then it must be you. - the late George Carlin
Confidently, I replied "Nah, whiskey and I are like best friends!"
Dunno why she left in such a hurry...
WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?
which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope it's Paul; he's cute.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
Two best friends are lying on the beach and discussing:
"Last night I saw a terrible nightmare…"
"What did you see?"
"I saw my mother-in-law swimming in the sea and being chase by a shark…"
"Wow horror!"
"Horror?! You say nothing! She almost got away!"
Dad was not thrilled to find out that he's now going to have a stepson.
Taste buds.
I was getting ready to go on a cruise for my best friends bachelor party and told Voice command Cell girl to "Remind me about power strip for bachelor party". Later that night my wife asked if we had purchased an extra cruise ticket or if the cruise line was going to throw in the power stripper.
"They may not be best friends, but they will always be primates."
The Pal-eo diet
AlgeBros.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
But she doesn't know how to commit a murder. She calls one of her best friends and tells her I want him dead, but I'm to scared to do it. Could you help?
Her best friend tells her It's alright, I got this and I'll make it look like an accident.
The next day the police are called because a dead body was found in an alleyway. A crime scene is set up and a detective does his detective work. After he's done an officer asks him So detective, what did you discover?
The detective looks at the officer and tells him Well it appears that someone beat this man to death with what seems to be a crowbar and then placed a banana peel 4 feet behind him.
Inside of a dog, it is warm and moist.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes... "
Some of my best friends are housewi-
Women, some of them are women.
Once upon a time, there were two best friends named Dash and Jack. They loved to do the same things together. If Dash did something, chances are Jack would want to do it too.
One day while they were at the park, Dash said to Jack: "Hey Jack, check this out!" He stood up straight and yelled "My name is Dash, and now I DASH OFF!" and he ran across the park for a few feet. "Now you try it!" he said to Jack.
Jack stood where Dash stood and yelled "My name is Jack, and now I JACK OFF!"
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Wednesday."
These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The trader said, "Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!"
The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year."
"Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."
The trader said, "Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
Because some of their best friends are black... for halloween!
But when two guys hold hands, they are Gay.
*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D*
An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible crash in which both cars were almost completely destroyed.
Miraculously however, both men survived.
The Irishman was the first to react:
'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!'
'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!'
The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman.
'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
___
*This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.*
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning her husband asks her where she was.
She says that she decided to sleep over at a friend's house.
The husband calls 10 of her best friends to see if that's true... none know anything about it.
---------------------
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning his wife asks where he was.
He says that he decided to sleep over at a friend's house.
The wife calls 10 of his best friends to see if that's true...
8 of them confirm that he slept over, 2 of them claimed he was still at their house.
They both smoked a lot.
Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body. So they brought in his two best friends, Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together.
When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell if the body was Bubba for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he rolls him over both of the friends answer, "Nope, ain't him!" The mortician is a little confused so he asks how they knew.
Leroy says,"Everybody around town would always say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes'. This guy's only got one."
There is an abundance of guy jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes and best friends puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any 400 witze you can hear about best friends.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.