Best Bars Jokes
116 best bars jokes and hilarious best bars puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about best bars that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Best Bars Short Jokes
Short best bars jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The best bars humour may include short dive bar jokes also.
- Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday. - What would be the best way to visually depict the number of nightclubs in my city? I'm thinking I should use a bar graph.
- A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.
- I bet my buddy a beer I could make the bar tender laugh with one of my 10 best jokes. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- A ventriloquist walks into a bar... He walks up to the barman and says 'Hey, I'm a ventriloquist'
Barman: Oh yeah? Are you any good?
Barman: I'm the best - Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes. - Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...
- I want to open a drinking establishment without any furniture. It'll be the best around, Bar None.
- My friend opened a rooftop pub and wanted to make it the best in the business. He wanted to set the bar really high.
- After years of being the company's best employee I finally decided to ask my boss for a raise.. When I came into work the next day I noticed my computer chair was replaced by a bar stool
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Best Bars One Liners
Which best bars one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with best bars? I can suggest the ones about irishman bar and blonde bar.
- What's the best pick up line at a gay bar? "May I push your stool in."
- Asked an old guy at the bar: "what's the best beer here?" He said: "the third one"
- What's the best beer to order at a gay bar? IPHeeeeyyyyy
- What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar? There's never a line for the bathroom.
- Why is the topmost floor the best place to drink in? That's how you set the bar high.
- Ed Sheeran walked into a bar... because a club isn't the best place to find a lover
- The Prohibition was the best decision ever... ...bar none.
- Why do most rappers spend time in jail? It's got the best bars.
- old one's are the best. that's why i'm barred from the care home.
- A depressed man walked into a bar... He told the bartender to give him his best shot
- A man leaves a bar... and decides it would be best if he left it where he found it!
Amusing Best Bars Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about best bars you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bar room jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make best bars pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was u**..., he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said.
"Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar
A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.
They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.
So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.
The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: "I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted."
The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: "I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!"
Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: "Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have started with circumcision."
The Fukawi Tribe
There was once a tribe of very short people who lived on an island in very long grass. One day an explorer stumbled upon this large grass covered island and intact discovered the tribe. He was very excited but decided since he was not sure if they were a peaceful people or not he would not engage this time, instead he would come back better equipped in a few days. When he got home he decided to tell his fellow explorers about the tribe he had discovered. He sat with them in a bar and told them all about the island and the long grass and the tiny people. Finishing his story he said so I've discovered this incredible tribe they're new and they're called the Fukawi tribe his best friend astounded said but how did you come up with the name?
Oh I didn't came the reply they named themselves, and when I approached them they kept jumping up yelling we're the Fukawi
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are at a bar.
They are arguing over who is the best at what they do. So they decide that to prove who is the best, they will go on their own into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A week later, they are again at the bar. The priest say, "I saw a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord's word. He liked so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I found a bear in a clearing. I started reading the bible to him. He loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to the rabbi, who has a broken arm, a collar, and several bruises. He says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have had started with circumcision."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Peculiar Contest
A frenchman, an american, and an arab [NOTE: this isn't racist, you can just paste any nationality whatsoever. However, the joke works best with these three] walk into a bar and come up with a contest to see who's better.
The contest rules: you must kill a bear and have s**... with an old lady in the shortest possible time.
The frenchman walks in, and he's very good with women because he's french and all, takes 2hr to bang the grandma. But, he s**... at hunting because he's never seen a bear before and needs 6hrs to kill the bear. 8hrs.
The american is the opposite, because he's all christian and has moral obligation, while he's really good at hunting because there are lots of bears in his country. 8hrs also.
The arab walks in where the bear is, and stays in there for 7hrs. We hear grunts and loud noises. Finally, he emerges all bruised up and scarred, and proudly says: "So, where is that old lady I have to kill?"
My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.
A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.
Bad memory
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, "Whats wrong?" The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says," I married a beautiful woman two days ago. Shes a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed. "
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, "But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?"
The old man looks at the bartender and says, "I cant remember where I live!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are sitting at a bar
Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."
The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male e**.... Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."
Irish pubs are the best
As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times
A guy was at a bar
A guy was at the bar, staring into his beer. Thinking how could you do it. How could you sleep with one of your patients. He kept telling himself it doesn't matter. He finally told himself it doesn't matter your still the best vet in town.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his dog walk into a bar...
and he says to the bartender, "Hey! How much you wanna bet that my dog can talk?"
The bartender Replies, "There is no way your dog can talk! 100$ says your wrong!"
The man agrees to the bet and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, what goes on the top of a house to keep the rain out?"
The dog says, "Roof!"
The bartender gets really mad and says, "Are you kidding me? You think I'd give you a hundred dollars for that? Try again or I am k**... you out!"
The man agrees again and asks his dog, "Hey Rosco, who was the best baseball player of all time?"
The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender kicks them both out of the bar, and tells them to never come back!
The dog looks at his owner and asks, "Dimaggio?"
"Poor Kid"
A couple is due to have a child. The day finally comes and the wife has the child but it comes out with just a head. The couple are a little let down by it, but they are determined to give that head the best life it could live. They give it all its shots, feed it, and nurture it. The head comes up on its 21st birthday when the dad wants to take him out for a drink. They get to the bar and the father orders a couple beers. He helps the head down its first beer when it grows a neck. The father is shocked, so he orders another beer and gives it to the head and it grows some shoulders. The father keeps giving the head more and more beers until it grows a full body. The kid, so excited to have a complete body, is just running around dancing with wild drunken joy, and he runs out into the street only to get hit by a bus. The bartender says to the father "aw, poor kid; should have quit while he was a-head."
A guy walks into a bar and orders 15 shots...
He proceeds to drink them in 15 minutes and then leave. He returns the next night and repeats the procedure, 15 shots in 15 minutes. This goes on for 3 solid months. It gets to the point that the bartender starts setting up the 15 drinks before the guy even arrives.
One night, the guy walks in as the bartender is preparing his order and waves away the 15 shots. "What's the matter," asks the bartender, "You're one of the best drinkers I've ever seen"
The man replies, "It's just that I got a little too drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "So what, everyone gets sick now and again."
The guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala walks into a bar
A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a p**... who is waiting for him. That night he has the best s**... he has ever had. After the p**... turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the p**... brought out a dictionary and it said...p**...: Has s**... for money.
So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
The best trick...
A cop was waiting outside of a bar because it was free drinks night. The cop was determined to catch all of the drunks so they wouldn't drive. He saw a man walk out the door, the man was limping and had a dizzy look on his face. The cop decided to wait for everyone else from the bar to leave, then he would bust the drunk man. Soon everybody left. The cop walked up to the man and asked him, " are your drunk sir? ". The man didn't respond and just looked at the cop. The cop measured his alcohol level through the mans blood, but it said 0. " how it that possible? " , said the cop. The man responded by saying, " i am tonight's drunk decoy ". :)
Three Men Brag About Their Sons.
Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.
A blind man goes into a lesbian bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he shouts in a loud voice, Oi, barman, you want to hear the best thick blonde joke ever?
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that I should enlighten you on a few points. Number one, the 'barman' is in fact a blonde lady. Number two, the bouncer on the door is also a blonde lady. Number three, the lady sitting next to me is also blonde and is a professional boxer. Number
four, the lady to your right is a blonde and is also a professional wrestler. Number five, I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very short fuse. Now, I want you to think about this carefully. Do you still want to tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: Nah, forget it, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gimme a triple shot of Jack
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having s**... with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy:
"Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...
He asked for the second, and he ate that as well..
He asked for the third, and finished that one too...
The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?"
Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar with a dog...
A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again
"What do you find on a tree?"
"Bark!" answers the dog again.
"Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm k**... you out." The man asks the dog
'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies
"Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?"
(Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite)
So 4 guys are talking in a bar.
So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."
So my buddy is the best ladies man I know,
so one day at the bar I tell him, "Hey, I want to pick up someone here."
He tells me, "What you got to do is know what drink each one likes. Like for example." He points to a young looking brunette and says, "Jello Shots definitely jello shots." Then he points to an older looking woman and says, "Whiskey definitely whiskey." Then he finally points to this gorgeous blonde and he says, "Liquor definitely liquor."
And I'm like, "Lick her? I hardly know her!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady walks into a bar…
She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs o**... s**... on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A homeless guy walks into a bar
A homeless guy walks into a bar with an enormous smile on his face. The bartender says, "Wow you look happy today, what's the deal?" The homeless guy says, "Well, I've just had the most incredible day! This morning, I was walking along the train tracks when I saw something up ahead. I walked up to see what it was, and there was a woman tied to the tracks. So I untied her, took her back to my tent under the bridge, and we've just been having s**... all day! This has seriously been the best day of my life!" The bartender looks at him with an astonished face and says, "Wow, that is amazing! Is she hot?" The homeless guy replies, "Well I don't know, I never found her head."
My best friend slept with my girlfriend.
A man was sitting in a bar feeling depressed.
Bartender: Whats wrong man?
Man: I found my best friend in bed with my girlfriend...
Bartender:What did you do?
Man: I kicked her out of my house and broke up with her.
Bartender: No, what did you do to your best friend?
Man: I pointed my finger at him and said "Bad dog".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"
"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having s**... with my best friend"
The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"
"What about your friend?"
"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."
So this guy is really drunk
So I'm at this bar and the guy next to me is really drunk. The bartender has really had enough of him, so I say to the guy, "Come on, guy, let's go, I'll drive you home." He's pretty drunk and just nods and barks a little. So I pull him out of the booth and he can't even walk, I'm trying to guide him to the door, and he just keeps falling down. This happens all the way to the car. Anyway, I get him in the car, and I ask him where he lives, he points and I follow his directions. He finally says, here. So I get out, go around and open his door and try to extract him out of my car, and he just can't walk, keeps stumbling and falling down, I'm doing my best to guide and help him but he just keeps falling down and hitting his head and stuff. I finally get him to his door and I ring the bell. A lady answers, presumably his wife and I say, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but your husband is really drunk, so I drove him home", she says, "Yeah, Yeah, thanks, but where's his wheelchair?"
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.....
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how
successful their sons became.
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich
he gave his best friend a ferrari.
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so
rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development
company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became
and asked her about her son.
She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful.
" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good.
" Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from
3 of his boyfriends..." .
All the 3 Ladies fainted ....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**..., John Paul II, and Lennon walk into a bar.
h**..., John Paul II, and Lennon walk into a bar.
Lennon says to the bartender, "give me your best shot."
The bartender pours Lennon a shot, and it's dead-on perfect.
John Paul says, "Give me your best shot."
The bartender pours him a shot, and it was decent, but a bit off
h**... says, "Give me your best shot."
The bartender is about to pour it when h**... stops him and says,
"Actually, I'll do it myself."
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...
I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.
"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,
"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."
"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"
"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."
"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."
So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.
The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his t**... in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar from the Scottish Highlands. It should be savored and enjoyed not gulped like a shot of cheap v**... !" The guy says "You would drink it fast if you have what I have." "Why what do you have ?" he asks. The guy says "$1.28 !"
Where in a Portuguese household is the best place to hide your money?
Under a bar of soap.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old, old man goes into a confessional.
He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all s**... all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with twins
Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the best time last night. I had s**... with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mom's the best lay in town
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, *Your mom's the best lay in town.*
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, *I just s**... your mom, and it was swe-e-et!*
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, *Your mom even let me...* Finally the guy interrupts: *Go home, Dad - you're drunk!*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old friends meet in bar...
[translated from Turkish]
-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!
-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while
-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?
-Mais biensur !
-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!
-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.
-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.
Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?
-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.
-Oh cool! Thx!
-Mais de rien !
-oh! s**... already...
Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?
- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)
[probably not the best written joke :/]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
D&D Jokes
Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:
* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.
* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".
* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A v**....
* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.
* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"
* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".
* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I keep getting zits near my belly button...
Tell your mom to stridex her forehead!
This joke is best told at a bar, standing up. Point to the area between your c**... and navel. Enjoy!
So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar...
So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar. The first says "I'm I-10, baby! Atlantic to Pacific! Long and Strong. All day, traffic, truckers and they're flying along at ninty miles per hour. Cuz I'm the Best!" The other piece of highway snorts. "You got nothin! I'm I-95. Always busy! Always full and Always bringing the business! Semis! Tandems! All of it! Bartender! More whiskey!"
As the bartender is refilling their glasses, a small piece of gravel and dirt trail walks in and sits at the end of the bar. "Excuse me, Bartender? Could I get a cranberry juice?"
The first piece of interstate starts to pick on the little fellow. "Hah! Cranberry juice!?" But the other piece of highway stops him. "Hey, don't mess with that one man." "Why not?" Asks the other.
"Cuz he's a cyclepath."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best thing about gay bars
is that if someone turns their back to you it's not necessarily a bad thing
Donald Trump goes to a bar and tells a joke
"Seriously, I have the best jokes. I know some comedians, and let me tell you, they say I've got the best jokes."
"Ok, let's hear one."
"When I tell a joke, the whole crowd laughs. Seriously, I've got the best jokes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... walks into a bar....
and orders his usual. As he's pouring out the Guiness, the bartender notices that p**... looks distraught. Worried about his best customer, the bartender asks, "What's the matter, p**...? You're looking glum".
p**... responds with a sigh and sips his Guiness. After a minute, p**... tells the bartender the source of his dispair. "I lost my best mate m**... today you see", says p**....
"Oh dear p**.... If you don't mind me asking, how did it happen?" asked the bartender.
p**... groaned in discontent.
"He got his finger caught in a wedding ring".
Two guys are talking in a bar.
"My wife just left me for my best friend."
"Oh my! That's so bad! Since when was that dude your best friend?"
"Since he left with my wife."
Writing prompt: Harambe, Cecil, and Tilikum walk into a bar...
Who has the best punch line?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three guys are drinking at a bar.
Suddenly, a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!"
The guy ignores him, and eventually the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
The guy is starting to look annoyed, but once again, he just ignores him.
Once again, the drunk wanders off.
Ten more minutes pass, and once again the drunk walks in and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.
- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
I met an amputee in a bar
Everyone in the joint called him 'E'. He had been drinking there for a few years every single one of the locals knew him. Apparently he used to be the strongest guy in the town
"Ya know, I can still arm wrestle with the best of them" E said.
To which I replied
"you and what arm, E?"
What's the best one liner you've heard?
Had this dropped on me at work today.
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him
A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having s**... with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
Two Finnish men meet in a bar...
Two Finnish men meet in a bar, they haven't seen each other in over 30 years, but used to be best friends. One raises his beer and says 'cheers'.
The other responds, 'are we here to drink, or to talk?'
How did the little truck always take home ladies from the bar?
He had the best pick-up lines.
A cowboy and architect walk into a bar
The architect challenges anyone who can design the best building in 5 minutes
The cowboy accepts the challenge
The architect and cowboy are handed a pen and paper
The bartender counts them down and says "3..2..1.. draw!"
And the cowboy shoots the architect
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poor guy sitting in a bar
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A t**... walks into a pub and asks for a toothpick.
The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The t**... then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another t**... enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the t**... goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another t**... walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The t**... replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adolf h**... walks into a bar.....
The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he'd like his top-notch bourbon on the house. No thanks, h**... replies. I'll just take a screwdriver. One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.
The next night, h**... returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner's offer on the bourbon. Even the best v**... can make a man sick if he's had too many, says the owner. It wasn't the v**..., h**... replies. It's the juice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk guy walks into a bar and walks up to a guy and says, I just had s**... with your mom! The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to the guy again and says, I just had great s**... with your mom! The guy walks away angrily.
A few minutes later the drunk guy comes up to him again and says, I just had the best s**... ever with your mom! The guy now says, Shut up dad! You're drunk again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man walks into a bar...
A blind man walks into a bar, without know its a lesbian bar, and says to the bartender:
"I have the world's best blonde joke. You wanna hear it?"
The bartender says "Hey, just so you know, I'm the world champion in wrestling. The girl next to you is the world champion in taekwondo and that girl over there is the world champion in kickboxing, and we're all blonde. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"
The guy replies "Haha, no thanks. I don't really feel like explaining the joke three times over."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white man sits down at the bar...
He overheard a blonde and redhead talking.
The blonde says to the redhead, "What kind of guys do you have the best s**... with?" The redhead says "Native Americans. Their p**... aren't the longest, but they're so wide and just hits all the right spots."
The man smiles and orders them a couple of drinks.
Then the redhead says to the blonde, what about you?" The blonde says, "Mexicans. Their p**... aren't that wide but they're long and can hit the deep spots just right."
The man orders them another round of drinks.
They blonde says, "Hey mister! Thanks for the drinks! By the way, what's your name?"
He smiles and says, "Tonto Rodriguez."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.
Bartender: You look terrible. What's the matter?
Man: I just walked in on my wife having s**... with my best friend.
Bartender: That's terrible! How did you react?
Man: I threw her out of the house with all of her clothes and told her I'd be sending divorce papers in the morning.
Bartender: Good for you, that must have been difficult. What did you do to your best friend?
Man: I waved my finger at him and said bad dog!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does the black child say to r**... at the bar?
I appreciate your company and I wish you the best.
Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"
The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."
The man says "Well, you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."
The bartender says "Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?"
The man looks at him and says "Fifty cents."
A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."
A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"
He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin goes into a pub...
At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy runs into a bar
Guy runs into a bar around noon on a sunny day. He barrels his way towards the bar where no one but the bartender is around and says quick, give me ten shots of your best whiskey! Without skipping a beat, the bartender sets him with all ten shots lined up on the bar, and the guy hits them one after the other until he has all ten down his t**.... The bartender looks on astonished, and says man, why did you pound those away so fast? Guy says you'd drink that quickly too if you had what I've got! Bartender of course asks what does he have. Guy says five bucks...
Alright, are you people ready for the best joke ever!?!?...
Two guys walk into a bar, one is a king and one is not...
Yeah that's the joke. The joke is that it is a bad joke.. Ha ha ha....
