Bernie Jokes
205 bernie jokes and hilarious bernie puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bernie that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bernie Short Jokes
Short bernie jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bernie humour may include short speech jokes also.
- Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
- Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie? Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.
- The only similarity between Bernie Sanders's speeches and Hillary's speeches is ......both inspire you to vote against Hillary.
- Bernie Sanders is a true socialist He's taking the delegates he's earned and giving them to somebody who is struggling to earn their own.
- If Donald Trump wants Bernie Sanders supporters to stop crashing his rallies, he should just call them "job fairs."
- If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office... And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.
- I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes. I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."
- Bernie Sanders was asked why he is still in the race and he responded "there are still some states left for me." Those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining and Acceptance.
- Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates. Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates. - CNN Poll: 50% of Bernie Sanders supporters drink whole milk, 35% drink 2% milk, and 15% drink skim milk They all hate the 1% though
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Bernie One Liners
Which bernie one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bernie? I can suggest the ones about elected and supporters.
- I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.
- What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad
- Why did vatican invite Bernie not Hillary? They couldn't afford it.
- Why does Bernie Sanders hate icebergs? Because only the top 1% can stay above water.
- Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS He will now go by: Ernie Anders.
- What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut? Remove only the top 1% please.
- How did Hillary Clinton beat Bernie? The same way Monica beat Bill... under the table
- What should Bernie Sanders' next presidential campaign be called? Hindsight is 2020
- Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.
- I went to buy a book about Bernie Sanders ...but it was sold out.
- How does Bernie Sanders stay so slim? Inter-mitten fasting.
- How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don't worry they'll tell you
- Bernie Sanders may be old, but he loves modern technologies such as. . . Socialist Media.
- Why did aliens vote for Bernie Sanders? Universal Healthcare
- What happens when you get a sunburn at the beach? You become Bernie Sanders.
Bernie Sanders Jokes
Here is a list of funny bernie sanders jokes and even better bernie sanders puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did Bernie Sanders running for president and me arguing with my wife have in common? We never stood a chance but we just wanted to get our ideas out there.
- When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders... When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?
- What's Bernie Sanders's favorite insurance company? Progressive
*this just popped up in my head while in the shower. If already posted I apologize in advance* - Why does Donald Trump dislike Bernie Sanders? Chickens tend to avoid anything with the last name "Sanders".
- Was there a good turnout at the Bernie Sanders rally? There were a lot of people, but I wouldn't say it was super pac'd.
- Bernie Sanders got twice the votes as Hillary Clinton, but less delegates. This should help him in South Carolina as he officially now understands the struggle of being black in America.
- Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
- What do you call sandpaper on fire? Bernie Sanders
- I told my Dad I was voting for Bernie Sanders... He responded, "So you want to see America be destroyed?"
I said, "No, I want to watch it Bern." - Bernie Sanders is like the wizard of oz... ...because he took Kansas by storm.
Bernie Madoff Jokes
Here is a list of funny bernie madoff jokes and even better bernie madoff puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Never trust a "Bernie" to manage your finances... The last one I knew Madoff with all my money.
- Trump has named bernie madoff as Head of Treasury Department Madoffs response when he learned of the appointment:
"Pardon Me?" - Bernie Madoff with all your money.
- What do you get when you cross Bernie Madoff with Colonel Sanders? Bernie Sanders
- What is the similarities between Bernie Madoff and Atoms? They both make up everything!
- Did you hear about the scam artist named Bernie? Apparently he Madoff with a lot of people's money.
- What kind of bank account did Bernie Madoff open? A cheating account.
- Hillary has chosen Bernie as her running-mate! Bernie Madoff
- What is the similarity between Bernie Sanders and Bernie Madoff? They both take your money!
- Who supports Romney Bernie Madoff
Bernie Mac Jokes
Here is a list of funny bernie mac jokes and even better bernie mac puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Saw Bernie Mac at my local Starbucks today
Comedy Bernie Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about bernie you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bernie pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.
He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the s**... had a newspaper route."
Bad Bernie
Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered: "Your mother wants to eat first!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Only A Game?
At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a f**... procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
"That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his f**... says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
"Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is on fire?
Bernie.
In 2016, Democrats will have to choose between a 70 year-old socialist...
...and Bernie Sanders.
My stepdad hates it when I call him Bernie...
He's really sensitive a about his scars...
Bernie Sanders is standing at the podium.
Allah Akbar.
What is Bernie Sanders' LEAST favorite band?
SWV (sisters with voices)
Uncle Sanders is Bernie Tom.
Keep Working...
Millions of jobless, art majored Bernie Sanders supporters depend on your money!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to c**....
A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to c**..., but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."
If Bernie Sanders is elected president, I want to spend a weekend at the White House and film it.
I'll call it "Weekend at Bernie's"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New drinking game:
Every time Senator Bernie Sanders proposes something free, c**... someone else's beer.
Which states is Bernie most popular in?
Denmark, Sweden and Norway.
Why are Swiss people big fans of Bernie Sanders?
Because they feel the Bern!
Did you hear about the new Bernie Sanders drinking game?
Every time he mentions a new free government program you drink someone else's beer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call people who use sandpaper to remove any evidence that Ernie and Bert are gay lovers?
Bernie Sanders.
What does socialism smell like?
It has a Bernie smell.
A man rings your internet doorbell..
Says: "Can you spare 5 minutes to talk about Bernie Sanders?"
Who is your Grandma's favorite politician?
Bernie Sandmaster Flash
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
1. What do you call a man with a flamethrower? 2. What do you call his first victim? 3. What do you call his second victim?
1. Bernie
2. Crispin
3. Ash
Why couldn't I call back a Bernie Sanders volunteer?
Because they were using a Berner Phone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Bernie Sanders and Adolf h**... have in common?
FEEL THE BERN
Why won't the holocaust survivor vote for Bernie Sanders?
He doesn't want to feel the Bern.
Bernie Sanders fans say "Feel the Bern." Gary Johnson fans say
Feel the Johnson.
I heard Bernie Sanders lost a delegate to the millionaire in a coin toss.
The difference was a Quarter of 1%.
Which insurance company does Bernie Sanders use?
Progressive.
Which is Bernie Sanders' dominant hand?
His left one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bernie Sanders is such a socialist...
...he gave Hillary Clinton half the votes in Iowa.
Don't forget to wear sunscreen if you go to an outdoor Bernie rally
Or else you'll be peeling the burn.
"Can I live for 8 more years?"
Vote for me and lets find out together Bernie Sanders 2016"
What would you call the easter egg roll if Bernie Sanders became president?
Weekend at Bernie's.
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar.
The bartender looks over and says "Mr. Sanders! Drinks on me. I really hope you win. Imagine another Clinton in the White House? It would be a circus!"
Bernie replies "Bill didn't run a circus, he ran affaire!"
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
What do you call a well read/researched Bernie Sanders supporter?
Not a Bernie Sanders supporter.
If Bernie hates the 1%...
why is it that only they vote for him?
Bernie Sanders won another state last night!
The State of Denial
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hillary got 60% of the black's votes in Alabama
That's right, not a single vote for Bernie.
What's Hillary Clinton's favorite musical?
Bye Bye Bernie!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...
Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.
Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.
Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate you. You're also bald. I hope that you die soon. When I become president I will make sure to deport ugly and bald people like you."
The entire bar looks in shock. A news reporter, there at that time, says to a patron of the bar, who originated from the South, "What do you think of this?".
The patron replies "Absolutely f***ing disgusting - Bernie Sanders didn't say Merry Christmas!"
Why does Bernie Sanders only drink skim milk?
He can't stand the 1%
Can Bernie Sanders recover?
From his devastating win in Michigan?
In 1987 Bernie Sanders wrote a folk album titled "we will overcome"
At the same time Donald Trump wrote an album called "we will over-comb"
In every generation
there's one man who stands up for the little guy: Bernie Sanders is that little guy.
You didn't lose an hour of sleep last night.
Bernie Sanders just gave it to someone that needs it more than you.
I've Noticed Bernie Sanders is Wearing a Ballcap Now at his Rallies.
If he wants to invigorate his base shouldn't he be wearing a trilby?
What do Bernie Sanders and Santa Claus have in common? (Dark)
They both have difficulties regarding chimneys!
What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?
The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance
Why was Bernie Sanders so happy?
He beat his pole.
Why is Bernie Sanders' campaign like Jon Snow? (Game of Thrones spoilers)
They're both "dead."
I heard that Bill Clinton threw his support behind Bernie Sanders
He misheard. He thought the campaign slogan was *Feel the Intern*.
What was Bernie Sander's favorite topic in mathematics?
Radicals. He loved finding the "root" of problems...
Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food?
He only sold left wings.
If Bernie gets elected we should give him an honorary military rank.
Colonel sounds right to me.
What's Bernie Sanders favorite Christmas Carols?
deck the halls with boughs of free cash
What type of milk does Bernie Sanders drink?
Whole milk because he cares about all the milk and not just the top 1% milk!
How can you tell a bernie sanders supporter from a hillary supporter?
There age
If Bernie Sanders has more delegates but still gets denied by the DNC...
...that would be unpresidented.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a Bernie Sanders supporter, a Cross-Fitter, and a person with h**... have in common?
They all "Feel The Burn!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Jew who is terrible with money?
Bernie Sanders.