Berating Jokes
23 berating jokes and hilarious berating puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about berating that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Berating Short Jokes
Short berating jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The berating humour may include short jokes also.
- My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills... "Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.
- I was trying to put a team together for a game of solitaire. My wife caught wind of it and berated me in front of all my friends... ...but two can play at that game...
- Why did the automotive engineer scream at his Toyota during his fuel efficiency experiments? He was a car berater!
- I get a lot of people telling me how to repair my used car. I guess you could call them 'Car Beraters'.
- My girlfriend confronted me the other day, berating me for being too obtuse... ...I replied "whoa, whoa, whoa..what's with the 103rd degree!"
- A woman hadn't had s**... with her husband in 10 years, yet she berated him every day for their lack of children. Finally having enough, he told her to put a sock in it! She's due in July.
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Berating One Liners
Which berating one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with berating? I can suggest the ones about and .
- The professor told me, You don't deserve an A for this essay! He..berated me.
- What do you call a car that got yelled at Car-berated
Berating Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about berating you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make berating pranks.
A pregnant woman asks the cashier for a pack of cigarettes...
The cashier immediately begins to berate her for such a poor decision. "I can't believe you are being so s**.... Knowing that you are pregnant! You shouldn't buy a single pack until after you've had the baby."
"You're right," the lady replied, "Give me a carton. I'm smoking for two now."
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....
The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.
When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, "You fool! Just think of the odds we can get next time!"
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
Socrates' Beloved
Socrates beloved dog died. He went to his Greek priest and asked if he could arrange a regular church service for his dearly departed. The priest was outraged and berated the parishioner for suggesting his dog receive holy services. Dismayed, Socrates turned away mumbling, 'Now what am I to do with the five thousand Euros we saved for the serviced?' 'Good Lord, my son, come back; why didn't you say he was Orthodox?'
I'm in Ireland for St. Patrick's day and asked for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender began berating me about how much of an uncultured American I am, how I shouldn't even be allowed to drink with the Irish, and really ripping into me because I got the name wrong. Apparently in Ireland the drink is called a 9/11.
A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time
One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "
The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"
Maid "No,your driver did "
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time.
The android burned my toast. A few scavengers took my orange juice. I was berated for ordering savage human food. Don't order from the future.
The Lord of the Manor
The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.
With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.
By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:
"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking."
A little hispanic boy was next to his mother while she was making tortillas...
A little hispanic boy was next to his mother while she was making tortillas. He dumps his face into the flour, ruining it and says to his mother, "Look mom! I'm a white boy!". Shocked the mom spanks that boy and afterwards tells hims "Go show this to your father!" He goes to his father and says "Look dad!, I'm a white boy!" and his father proceeds to s**... him as well and sends him off his grandmother. He goes to his grandmother and says "Look abuela I'm a white boy..." She turned furiously red and berated him. Then she spanked him and said said "Show this to my husband!", not wanting to call him his grandfather. He went to his grandfather and sorrowfully said "Look pampo... I'm ... a white boy." His grandfather didn't just s**... him, he proceeded to beat him. Once he was done, the boy was sent back to his mother.
His mother asked, "What did you learn?"
The boy replied, "I've only been white for an hour, and I learned that I already hate you w**...!"
Drinking too much
Every night a guy would come home blitzed out of his mind and p**... in the kitchen sink.
His wife grew tired of this and always berated him, "Johnny! One of these nights you are going to come home and p**... your guts out!!"
He doesn't listen so she decides to put a chicken's worth of chicken guts in the sink to teach him a lesson.
That night Johnny comes home and again pukes in the sink.....
The next morning his wife says, "You see it finally happened...."
Johnny says, "You were right dear but through the grace of God and your long handled spoon.....I got them all back in again"
Would you remarry?
John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,
"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"
John is bewildered and clearly upset,
"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here having a lovely breakfast and you have to go an ruin it asking depressing questions like that, I'm not answering."
Margaret, clearly realizing she's stepped over the line, immediately drops the questions, but later that night it nags at her, and so she asks again.
"John, I want you to answer, if I were to die would you get remarried?"
Again John is even more upset this time and berates her for bringing up such a morbid subject. Well, they go to bed, but at two in the morning Margaret sits up in bed, turns on the lamp and asks again,
"John! I want you to answer this time right now! If I were to die would you get remarried?"
John realizing that this is not a subject that will be dropped sits up in bed and sighs,
"Yes." He says
"Okay, okay.....Would you sell the house?"
John looks confused, "well...no."
"Would you sell our bed?"
John again looks confused, "Well No, there's no reason too."
Margaret then asks a little distraught, " Well you certainly wouldn't let her touch my golf clubs, would you?"
To which John reply's, "Well no, of course not. She's left handed."
For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.
Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.
The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a b**... at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.
Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.
Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland.
They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"