beneath Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious beneath puns

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"


What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

Bolt can actually finish a race.

...I could actually feel the flames of Hell beneath me as I wrote this.


Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either


Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.


So there are two sharks swimming in the ocean...

...and they see some swimmers above them. One shark says "Hey, let's go eat those swimmers." The other shark says "Not yet, first we have to up to the surface, swim around them and show them just a little bit of fin." So they do.

When they get back down beneath, the first shark says "Okay, now can we eat them?" The second shark says "Wait, now we go up, circle them, and show them A LOT of fin." So they do.

They get back down and the first shark says "Okay, NOW can we eat them?" and the second shark replies "yeah, now we eat them."

They have their tasty meal, and when they get back under, the first shark asks "Alright, so what's with the whole show them our fins routine?"

The second shark replies "They taste better without the shit in 'em."


Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."


A man and his wife are on their honeymoon...

The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of the room.

"There's nothing here," he assures her and tries to start up the mood again. But she won't have it, so he goes looking around the room a second time. Since she's so upset, he keeps looking until he pulls back the rug to find a funny looking device. He unscrews the device, telling her, "Look, I've gotten rid of the bug. Now we can make love!"

The next morning, they're served breakfast in bed. The girl who brings their food asks if they had a nice night, to which they reply it was wonderful. But why does she ask? "I just wanted to make sure you were safe," she says. "Some time last night, the couple below you had a chandelier fall on them."


Two explorers are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals take the explorers to their village where they are immediately thrown into a big pot of water. A fire is lit beneath them, and immediately the water gets warm. One of the explorers starts laughing hysterically, to which the other explorer exclaims, "What the hell is so funny? We're about to be eaten!" The first explorer calmly replies, "Yeah, well I just pissed in their soup!"


The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.


What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

"You are the wind beneath my wings."


One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.


Three men in the desert find a genie...

Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink.

One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".


Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."

Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.

Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"

"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."

"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.

Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."


A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."


A mother, father, and thier young son go to a zoo.....

The child looks at one of the pens and says, "hey mom, what's that?", the mother replies, "oh that's an elephant". Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks "what's that under the elephant?", embarrassed the mother replies, "oh that's nothing". The child then walks over to his father and asks, "Dad, what's that thing underneath the elephant?", his dad replies "That's the elephant's penis son." The child said, "Well mom says it's nothing",the dad replies, "Oh, how I spoil that woman".


A skydiver jumps out of a plane...

He is flying through the air and is having a lot of fun.
Then he pulls the chord ... but nothing happens! The parachute wont open!
panicing he pulls the safety chord ... nothing happens again!
He is falling ever so fast, when suddenly a guy comes flying up from beneath him!
The skydiver yells "hey! Do you repair parachutes!?"
The guy yells back! "Nope, gas ovens..."

(english is not my first language, excuse my spelling please)


what did the maxi pad say to the fart?

you are the wind beneath my wings. :D

I heard this from someone, somewhere, many moons ago.


If a politician says bribery is beneath them....

That means the envelope with money should be delivered under the table.


The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"

Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"


What's crude and beneath most Canadians?



Poetry Competition

The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a redneck. The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.

>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue

>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two

>Men search the stars for a bearing true

>Destination Timbuktu

The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The redneck approaches the microphone, clears his throat and begins to speak.

>Me n' Tim a huntin' went

>Met three whores in a pop up tent

>They was three and we was two

>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two


My girlfriend refuses to vacuum the carpet

It's like it's beneath her or something


Why don't renovators paint floors?

It's beneath them.


What did Zeus wear beneath his toga?



While in my car I drove beneath an overpass that was getting some work done on it

I was under construction.


A guy walks into a bar...

He says "ouch!" the bartender says "what happened" the guy says "I walked into your bar!"

The tender comes around and see's a piece of rebar sticking out of the wall. "Yikes, here come take a seat at the bar and ill pour you a drink"... He turns around to see the man sitting on the ground beneath the rebar.

"What the heck are you doing?"

"Well im sitting at your bar dummy!"

The bartender raises his eyebrows and grabs a putty knife and a container from behind the counter, next he pushes the rebar back into the drywall and hands the guy the two things.

"Well, if you are going to sit at my bar you might as well get plastered".


What do thunderclouds wear beneath their clothing?



Teacher joke

One day a young female teacher walks into her class and finds a drawing of a dick on blackboard. She clean it off and warns the kids to not do it again.
The next day when she arrives in the class, she finds a bigger dick drawing and beneath it was written," the more you rub it, the more it will get bigger".


A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.

"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"

"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get tits too!"


Some Tim Vine jokes...

"I tell you what makes my blood boil..... Crematoriums."

"People with guns who say give me your money... you gotta hand it to them."

"So I went to my local department store and said I cant decide whether to buy this bed or not. He said do you want to sleep on it? I said of course I do."

"I refuse to work in the subway. Its beneath me."

"I met this girl called Ena. Everytime I see her I say Hi Ena and she laughs her head off."

"I cant remember my homing pigeon's name but am sure it will come back to me."

"Did you know the best selling DVD this year is Poltergeist? Its flying off the shelves."

"So i was reading this book about the history of glue.... I couldn't put it down."


What did the Maxipad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.


A little girl is strolling through the garden with her father. She stoops down to examine a spiderweb.

"Daddy, what's that?"

"It's a spider, dear. A daddy-long-legs."

"So if this one is a daddy, does that mean that it marries a mommy-long-legs?"

Amused, he responds "No honey, they only marry another daddy-long-legs."

She stands and pauses to think for a moment. Suddenly she brings her foot down on the spider, crushing it beneath her shoe. "We won't be having none of that shit at our house."


Why did the police chief hate going into the basement?

Because it was beneath his station.



The cleaning lady refused to mop or sweep

"Floors are beneath me" she explained.


I would never work in a coalmine.

It's beneath me.


What are the most funny Beneath jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Beneath? Well, here are the best Beneath dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Beneath pick up lines to share with friends.

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