Bends Jokes
75 bends jokes and hilarious bends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bends Short Jokes
Short bends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bends humour may include short bent jokes also.
- That awkward moment when the woman you're dancing with bends over so you can grind it... But it turns out she just dropped an earing, and no one else in McDonald's can hear the music on your iPod.
- I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me. When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga
- A man crashed his car A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the mercedes bends
- As the plumber left my house I saw something fall out of his back packet. I walked over and saw that it was a bag of drugs. But I didn't bend down to get it, because I didn't want plumber's crack.
- Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday? He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.
- I decided that I wanted to join a gymnastics club… …I had to bend over backwards just to get in
- You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves But I've always been willing to bend the rulers
- What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor? Patient: I can't bend my knee.
Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me. - My very pregnant wife complained that bending over the sink to wash dishes was too hard on her back "Oooh babe," I sympathized, "why don't you just stand sideways?"
The stitches come out on Monday. - Why can't Flat-Earthers watch the show Avatar? Because they don't understand the concept of Earth-bending
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Bends One Liners
Which bends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bends? I can suggest the ones about bending over and bender.
- The best pick up advice I've ever been told is.. ..always bend your knees.
- What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts
- Being old is like being in prison... It hurts to bend over.
- Change is hard. I mean, have you ever tried to bend a quarter?
- Which kind of car is most flexible? Mercedes bends.
- My daughter works at a gymnastic studio that is so accommodating They bend over backwards
- John went to the doctor... Apparently he is incapable of Bending the Knee
- A scuba diver bends into a bar Sadly, he died.
- New sequel to Bend It Like Beckham announced. It's called Fake It Like Neymar
- What do you call a luxury car that sinks in the ocean? A Mercedes-Bends
- My yoga teacher is awesome. She really bends over backwards.
- I just vaccinated my kids. Hope they stop bending my ear now.
- What happens when you twist a car? You get a Mercedes-Bends.
- How long does it take a satellite to reach Uranus? Bend over and I'll show you.
- The man crashed his car into a tree... That's when he realised how Mercedes bends
Giggle-Inducing Bends Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about bends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean curves jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bends pranks.
How does Barney Frank keep track of his place in a book?
He bends over a page.
A man goes for a walk...
and as he walks he approaches the local mental institution, on the other side of the wall he can hear the patients chanting "3! 3! 3! 3!". His curiosity has been piqued by all the commotion coming from within so he decides to take a glimpse through a hole he sees in the wall, as he bends down and peers through the wall silence falls over the yard and a long stick gets shoved through the hole and pokes him in the eye
"4! 4! 4! 4! 4!"
What happens when you drive an expensive German luxury car into a tree
Your Mercedes Bends
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a priest and a rabi...
a priest and a rabi are eating lunch when a young waiter drops a tray of dishes. as the waiter bends over to pick up his mess the priest mumbles "man I would love to screw him!" to which the rabi says "out of what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
the golf course frog
A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.
Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.
On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.
Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, n**......14 year old girl.
...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!
A father-son hike
A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.
The father points to the native american and says, son, native americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world
The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native american and says, What did you have for breakfast last tuesday.
Without hesitation the Native American responds, eggs. The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.
30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native american on the same rock.
He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native american. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says HOW
Native American responds, Scrambled.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is that dog p**...?
A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog p**...?" He thinks to himself.
He approaches it to examine if it is dog p**.... "Well it looks like dog p**...." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog p**...." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog p**...." His finger scoops up a part of the p**..., and he licks it. "Tastes like dog p**....... Yep, this is dog p**... alright."
"Well, good thing I didn't step in it."
A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems
The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.
The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks his wife to help. Gladly she says yes and the man bends over as the wife braces herself with one hand on his should and the other to insert the medication. As the wife is about to insert the suppository the man jumps up shock.
"what's wrong, did I hurt you?" asks the wife.
"No" said the husband "I just realized the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me the medication"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a public bathroom...
...as he stands at the u**... he notices written on the wall in front of him "BEWARE g**..." ignoring it he then goes to wash his hands when above the hand dryers he sees it written again "BEWARE g**..." as he turns to leave he sees something written on the floor in small lettering and bends over to read it... "we warned you twice"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to Catch a Polar Bear
1. Dig a hole in the ice
2. Line the edge of the hole with peas
3. Wait for a polar bear to come along
4. When the bear comes along and bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear walks into a bar...
He bruskly orders a beer.
Barkeep blares, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear replies, "Barkeep, please; just a beer..."
"We don't. Serve beers. To bears. In Biloxi."
Bear bends in, motions barkeep to do the same, "You see that woman at the end of the bar? If you don't give me a beer, I'll kill her and eat her up."
Barkeep looks a bit bewildered, but replies, "You do what you gotta do. We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi."
Bear stands up, kills and eats the woman. He returns to the barkeep.
Before the bear can say anything the barkeep raises a hand and says, "... And we don't serve drug addicts either."
It's the bear's turn to look bewildered, "What do you mean drug addict?"
Barkeep looks bemused, "We don't serve beers to bears in Biloxi and that," motioning to what remained of the woman, "was a bar-b**...-you-ate."
So a guys asks a blonde…
if he can do her from behind. She obviously says no. The guy then says he will be very quick and offers her 100$. All she has to do is pick up the money while he drops it on the floor. She tells him she has to ask her boyfriend. She tells her boyfriend about the offer and he tells her to make it 200$ instated. "He won't even have time to unzip before you pick it up". The next day the blonde accepts the offer and bends down to pick up the money. Later the same day the blonde comes home limping. "What happened honey?" asks the boyfriend. "It was all in coins" she replied.
I spent 750$ for a phone that bends...
your mom just wanted 10$
You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...
They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.
You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.
What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6
The bends.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Doughnuts.
A man goes to the doctor with a huge problem.
A man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've got a huge problem..."
"Okay, come in and show me what the issue is," says the doctor.
The man enters the room, reluctantly drops his pants and bends over the doctor's table. He then pulls his cheeks apart, and shows the doctor the piece of lettuce that's hanging out of his rear.
"That is a huge problem!" exclaims the doctor.
The patient then replies, "Doc, that's the just tip of the iceberg."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's Only A Game?
At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a f**... procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
"That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his f**... says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
"Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."
THE ENGINEER AND THE FROG
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your p**...'s so tight
it bends time
Drunk in a Taxi
So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive."
As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?"
The driver replies, "Sure!"
The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"
A good girl bends at the knees...
A great girl bends at the hip.
What type of car do wealthy scuba divers drive?
The Bends of course.
Expensive perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
One day a billionaire drove his car
Then, he hit a tree and watched how his Mercedes bends.
Clever mother
A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you trap a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to catch a polar bear
First, you dig a hole in the ice,
then you sprinkle peas around the hole
When a polar bear bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy came back from having his photos done....
He was carrying the photos in his hand and was standing in the bus.
The bus stopped and he j**... forward, the photos fell out of his hand and went down under a woman's dress.
He bends downs and asks "Could you lift up your dress I gotta take those photos"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Seen on performance evaluation
He's so dense, light bends around him.
the bad joke
A man goes to his doctor for a checkup.
After the tests are done, the doctor asks the man to bend over for a prostate exam. The man drops his pants and bends over.
While the man is grunting due to the doctors fat finger, the doctor says
"Wanna see a magic trick?"
the man says "Ookay?"
The doctor says "Look NO HANDS" showing his hands to the patient
Hyperbaric chambers aren't that cool, but I put together a hyperbolic chamber...
It's the coolest, bestest, most fun way there could ever be to not treat the bends.
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no s**... desires, they are put in a room n**... and bells are placed on the end of their p**......
The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely n**... and the test begins.
This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul's bell rings,
Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that he hears the light jingle of two bells behind him...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when a duck bends over?
Assquack
My contortionist girlfriend does anything to keep me happy!
She bends over backwards for me.
A cop and a firefighter die and go to heaven.
God gives them each some wings, with a warning that if they have even one bad thought, they'll lose their wings.
A little while goes by. The cop and firefighter are checking out heaven together. Then, a smoking hot girl walks by. The firefighter's wings fall off.
The firefighter bends over to pick up his wings, and the cop's wings fall off.
An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.
The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."
An Indian bends from the next table and says: "Be aware of that, we heavily underestimated that once"
The material I have bends in a strange way but it should be suitable for the client
Weird flex but okay
Three astronauts walk into a bar
On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.
Whose ten? We have a problem...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman's dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left b**... cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him.
As the man returned to his seat, his buddy exclaimed, Wow! I've heard of the hine lick maneuver, but I've actually never seen it done before.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you catch an elephant?
First, you'll need to dig a hole deep enough for an elephant. Proceed to complete surround the hole with green peas and fill the bottom of the hole with ashes.
*Once the elephant bends down to take a pee, kick it in the ash hole.*
A blonde walks into a doctor's office, the doctor asks what's wrong and the blonde says "My entire body hurts!"
"Oh?" Said the doctor, "like a whole body ache?"
"No!" said the blonde "like everywhere is searing pain! Here I'll show you!"
The blonde pokes her shoulder "That really hurt!"
She pokes her stomach "That really hurt too!"
She bends down and pokes her knees "Both of those hurt super bad! Can you help me doctor!?"
The doctor looks at her, sighs, and says "Yes I can help you, in fact I solved your problem"
"What is it!?"
"Your finger's broken"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German man is sitting in a waiting room.
The clock on the wall is going Tick,.....Tick,.....,Tick,.....,
Suddenly he jumps up, rips the face off the clock, bends it's hands behind it's back and says...
"Ve have vays of making you Tock!"
So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.
The girl says to the guy, So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?
Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. Oh, yeah, he says, I'm a taxidermist.
The girl replies with Oh, that's cool.
Then the gopher says, And a ventriloquist.
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys walking down the road see a pile of dog p**...
One says, "hey that looks like dog p**...". Then he bends over and touches it. He says, "feels like dog p**...". The other bends over and sniffs it. Says, "smells like dog p**...". Then he sticks his finger in it and tastes it. He says "tastes like dog p**...". The other one says, "Well, good thing we didn't step in it!!"
Note: little boys crack right up all the way through with this joke. Something about p**... is enormously funny to boys.
Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.
Hmm… Sherlock ponders, I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6' 1 , was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.
Watson was completely confused by his partner's deduction.
How could you possibly get all that from just a button?
Elementary! Sherlock replied. Because it's mine!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly woman is moving into a retirement home
As part of the admissions process she has a check-up by the resident doctor. The doctor asks, "So have you been having any problems?"
Woman: "Well, I have noticed something unusual. I have this hole in my chest between my b**...."
Doctor: "Hmm, let me have a quick look."
The woman lifts up her blouse.
The doctor bends over to take a closer look, and she says, "Oh you really have nothing to worry about. It's just your belly button."
Buying a shoe
A man walks into a shoe store...
...and tries on a pair of shoes.
\- "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
\- "Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
\- "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
\- "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
