Bench Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Two nuns

Two nuns are sitting on a bench. A guy in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. One of the nuns has a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

3 Old Women and a Flasher

Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a man
comes by and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke, and the third one couldn't
reach.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench...

A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them.

Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach.

So, Jesus and Satan are sitting on a park bench one day

...just chilling, and Satan asks, "Hey JC, what's it called when little chunks of ice fall from the sky? It's not like I get to see it very often."

Jesus says, "Hail, Satan."

And Satan's all like, "YEEEEEAH, BOI!"

And Jesus is all like, "Oh, you."

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench

A man walks up in a trenchcoat and flashes them. The first lady has a stroke, the second lady couldn't quite reach.

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

What do call a bunch of white people on a bench?

The NBA

Bench Bros...

Two guys are in the gym working on their bench pressing when a busty coed comes up to the rack next to them and begins to do her workout. One guy turns to his spotter and says "hey you think that's a push up bra?" And his spotter says "nah brah, that's a squat"

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench

A flasher runs up and opens his coat.

The first woman immediately had a stroke.

The second had one only a moment later.

The third didn't because she couldn't reach.

Three old ladies

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher runs up and opens his trench coat in front of them.

The first old lady has a stroke.

The second old lady has a stroke.

The third old lady can't reach that far.

Three old women were sitting on a park bench...

...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.

Did you hear about the man who flashed three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park?

First old lady had a stroke. Second old lady had a stroke. Third old lady's arm was too short to reach.

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench...

... when a man came up and flashed them. Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke, but the other couldn't quite reach.

What do you call 5 white guys on a bench?

The NBA

What do you call a bunch of white guys on a bench?

The NBA

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.

The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".

The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.

A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all," the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a long coat walks up to them and exposes himself...

The first old lady says, "My goodness!" and immediately has a stroke. The second lady, seeing the first lady, also has a stroke. The third lady couldn't reach.

A man was eating a hotdog...

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Immediately the little dog began to bark at the man while he ate.

The man asked "Would you mind if I throw him a bit?"

"Not at all." the woman replied.

The man picked up the dog and tossed him over a wall.

Three Old Ladies Sitting on a park bench.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park. Just chatting it up on a park bench like old ladies will do.

Suddenly, a man in a trench coat walks up to them and opens his coat and flashes them with all that god had given him to offer.

Well, the first old lady immediately has a stroke.

The second old lady has a stroke soon after.

The third old lady, being more old and feeble, couldn't reach that far.

I was sitting on the bench at the playground ..a woman sitting next to me said "which one is yours? "

I said "I haven't decided yet "

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.

All of a sudden, a man jumps out of the nearby bushes and flashes them.

One old lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.

Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"

Man 2: "Yup."

Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."

Man 2: "Cool."

Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"

Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks in the park and sees a man with a dog sitting on a bench.
"Does your dog bite?", asks the first man.
"No"
The man proceeds to pet the dog, but the dog bites him.
"I thought you said your dog didn't bite?!", he says quite angry.
"This is not my dog."

My mom told me this joke, it's from one of the films of 'pink panther'. I've never seen the film though.

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench...

Two old ladies were sitting on a bench having a quiet chat, when a flasher approached from across the park. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat, exposing himself.
One of the ladies immediately had a stroke.
The other lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

An old man in tears

A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"

The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"

Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."

The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.

One says "Wow, it sure is windy."

Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."

The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."

Two nuns are sitting on a park bench...

Suddenly, a streaker runs past them! One of the nuns had a stroke! The other tried but she couldn't reach.

Three old guys are sitting on a bench in the park

One says, "Windy today."

Another says, "You idiot, it's Thursday."

The third guy says, "Me too, let's go get a beer."

Three old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting on a bench seat when a Flasher ran up & Flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke..

The second old lady had a stroke too...

The third old lady couldn't reach.....

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."

Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.

"Who's there?" he called out.

"Moe! It's me Sam!"

"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.

"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.

"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.

"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."

"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

Three old ladies ;)

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Little Johnny is in class...

The teacher asks the class, "there are 5 birds on the line, someone shoots one bird, how many are left?"

Johnny says none, because when the gun went off, there birds flew away. The teacher says, no there are 4 but I like the way you're thinking.

Johnny says ok teacher, there are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. The first one is lightly licking the ice cream, the second is biting the ice cream and the third one gobbles the whole cone down. Johnny asks, which one is married? The teacher says, the one that gobbles the ice cream cone down? Johnny says, no, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you're thinking.

Convert today! $5000

Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.

"What happened that took forever?"

"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."

"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"

"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"

Three Old Nuns...

Three Old Nuns are sitting on a park bench, when a man runs up and flashes them.

Two of them have a stroke... The other one can't reach.

2 pedophiles are sitting on a bench and a 12-year-old girl runs by...

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I bet she used to be really hot!"

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"


WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"


MAN: "Yes."


WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"


MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."


MAN: "How much?"


WOMAN: "$65,000."


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."


MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."


WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"


MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.


Then he smiles and asks: **"Anyone know whose phone this is?"**

Three nuns are sitting on a bench when

a flasher revealed himself to them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun couldn't reach.

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench...

...when a man in a trenchcoat walks up and flashes them.

The first nun has a stroke.

The second nun has a stroke.

The third nun couldn't reach.

Joe goes down to the docks...(long)

... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle, and the other two starts to laugh.
Joe is a little bit confused, so he walks up to them and asks:
- Hey! I heard what you were talking about, and I have to ask, what's so funny about some numbers?
- Well, says the third sailor, we have been out on the sea for more than thirty years. By this time we all know each other very well, so we decided to put numbers on our jokes instead re-telling them every time.
- That sounds a bit weird, says Joe.
- Maybe, says the second sailor, why don't you try for yourself?
- Okay then, number eightythree, Joe says.
All three sailors start to laugh really hard, one of them even falls of the bench and can hardly breathe.
- What was so funny about it? Joe asks.
Still giggling, the first sailor answers:
- Never heard that one before!

A windy day

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench.

The first says to her friends "gosh, it's windy today".

The second says "no, it's Thursday".

The third says "so am I. Let's get a drink".

An old joke no one I know likes

Two economists are sitting on a bench. One says to the other "do you understand the economy?"

The other economist says "Let me explain, I'm an economist. It starts--"

The other interrupts "Oh no, I understand. I'm an economist too. We can both explain the economy, do you *understand* it?"

So three old ladies are sitting on a park bench....

When all of the sudden a flasher comes by and, before they can reach for their canes, opens his trench coat and flashes them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady couldn't reach that far.

Three mice walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!

The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!

The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.

There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench

when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke,

but the second old lady couldn't reach it.

An engineer sees a fellow engineer on a new bike...

An engineer was walking along one day when another engineer friend of his rides up on a brand new bicycle.


"That is an awesome bike. Where did you get it?" He asks.


"Well," his friend replied "It was the strangest thing. I was sitting on a bench in the park, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, got off the bike and then took all of her clothes off right in front of me! Then she said 'Take what you want!'"


The first engineer replied "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you!"

A penguin has car trouble and calls a mechanic

The mechanic arrives and says, "Not exactly sure what the problem is, I'll probably need 30 minutes before I can give an accurate diagnostic"

So the penguin walks down the street and buys an ice cream cone, sits on a bench outside and while he's eating the ice cream cone he falls asleep, getting ice cream all over his stomach. He wakes up an hour later and sprints off to his car and mechanic.

"Sorry I'm late!", says the penguin.

"Well, looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic says

"What? No I was just eating ice cream" replies the penguin.

Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his overcoat, and flashed his naked body.

The first old lady was overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The second old lady was also overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The third old lady didn't have a stroke at all -- her arms were too short.

A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench.

Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird!

The blonde gazes up into the air says where?

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in rehab exercising". Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. But a couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on the saw again. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's in rehab again, exercising". Sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. Bill comes back to work in two days, fully recovered.

But, within a couple of days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down crying and says, "He's dead!" Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in?", sighs Tom. "No," says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Two old men, one French and one Spanish were sitting on a park bench.

When a beautiful young girl in a miniskirt walks by. Just as she passes them a breeze comes along and lifts the girl's skirt up revealing she's not wearing panties. The French man looks at the Spanish man and says "C'est la vie" and the Spanish man exclaims back "Se la vi, tambien."

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

Hopefully this translates well into English..

A man is sitting on a park bench reading a book called "Logic" and another man walking past sits down beside him and asks what logic means..
The man reading the book asks, "Well, do you have an aquarium at home?"
"Yes! I do!"
"So I'm guessing you have fish in your aquarium?"
"I do!"
"And if you have fish in your aquarium, I'm guessing you like animals..?"
"Yes, I like animals!"
"And if you like animals, I would say you like people as well?"
"Yes, I like I people.."
"And if you like people, I guess you like women too?"
"Oh yes, I LOVE women!"
"Well there you go, that's what logic is!"
The man contemplates the answer he received and is satisfied with it and is about to get up to leave, when he asks: "What would've happened if I said that I didn't have an aquarium at home?"
The man on the bench thinks to himself for a minute and answers, "Well, you would've obviously been gay then".

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife! , she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

Ice cream

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like
your thinking."

What are the funniest bench jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bench? Well, here are the best Bench puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bench pick up lines to share with friends.

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