Below Deck Jokes
100 below deck jokes and hilarious below deck puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about below deck that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Below Deck Short Jokes
Short below deck jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The below deck humour may include short overboard jokes also.
- For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards. I find that very hard to deal with.
- The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6) Why don't pirates like playing cards?
There's always someone walking across the deck. - I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn't been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.
They told me they were still dealing with my order. - My gf told me if I trimmed my bush it would make my deck bigger She's been spending a lot of time with the landscaper so I'm guessing she learned it from him
- What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
- I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived. Customer service told me they're dealing with it.
- They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker. It's a pretty big deal.
- I used to be really anxious because I didn't know what to do with my deck of cards. Then I learned to deal with it.
- Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office. Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later." - As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down. The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
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Below Deck One Liners
Which below deck one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with below deck? I can suggest the ones about aboard and man overboard.
- What do you call 52 slice of bread? A deck of carbs!
- Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because they were sitting on the deck.
- I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.
- How do ships flirt online? They send deck pics.
- I honestly cannot deal with puns. But I can with a deck of cards.
- What brand of power tools does chris brown use? Black and Deck Her
- What has 13 hearts but no organs? A deck of cards.
- I've lost all the aces from this deck of cards. I just can't deal with this.
- If you cut the grass around your deck ... It makes your deck look bigger.
- How can you get four suits for under $2.00? Buy a deck of cards.
- The New Apple Card Deck only has 48 Cards They left out the jacks
- What's the best side of the house to build a deck on? The outside
- You can never trust magicians They might not be playing with a full deck
- One thing I can't deal with.. is a deck of cards glued together.
- Where are all the Jews on the Starship Enterprise? on the challah deck
Below Deck Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about below deck you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean first mate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make below deck pranks.
Have you heard about the crime in multi-story parking decks? It's just wrong on so many levels.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Native Americans
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
s**... back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a b**...?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer.
His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do
that for?"
Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting
a job!"
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whales
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large h**... on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed h**... herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll h**..., I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T s**... s**...!
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
A joke for pirate day.
A pirate ship's first mate comes up to the deck to find the ship's (steering) wheel missing. The first mate rushes to the captain of the ship, only to find the wheel in his pants.
The first mate asks, "Captain, did you know the ship's wheel is in your pants?"
"Aaarrrh," the pirate captain replied. "I know, it's driving me nuts!"
A man once ate a whole deck of playing cards.
A couple of hours later, he had to drop a deuce.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the sea captain say when he saw the p**... waking up on the deck of his ship?
Aar... look at the h**... rizen!
A blonde, brunette, and a red head go to summer camp and they can only bring one thing..
The red head brings a deck of cards, to keep herself entertained.
The brunette brings her homework, to get it done and live stress free.
The blonde brings a car door, so she can roll down her window if she gets hot.
What do you call an epileptic in a deck chair?
A transformer.
The Bat family were playing a game of "old maid" with a poker deck...
Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.
A patient walks into a doctors office...
"Doctor Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!" says the patient
"Sit down I'll deal with you later" he replies.
A guy at the DIY store asked if I wanted decking...
...fortunately I managed to get the first punch in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jeff and Don are singing deck the halls....
When they both suddenly die part way through the song.
They are reincarnated as a**...-less chaps. Jeff looks over and says: "Don, we now are gay apparel."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some chump in an orange apron in B&Q just asked me if I wanted decking...
Fortunately I got the first punch in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you test a pirate for c**...?
Swab the deck!
A friend of mine hosted a party to help him get over his girl friend dumping him.
Three of us showed up. I brought a deck of cards,and suggested we play a game.
He refused, saying we needed to wait for atleast one more person to show up.
No wonder his girlfriend dumped him. He hated four play.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
What do SpongeBob and LeBron James have in common?
They both hit the deck and flop like a fish.
the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good
But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.
Someone asked me to Deck the Halls, so I did.
Mr and Mrs Hall were a bit miffed...
Inappropriately early decorations really annoy me
I mean christmas is literally a year away, and all the houses on my street are decked out already!
A ship's captain is running accross the deck....
He gets to the back overlooking the sea and starts undoing his pants. One of the crew sees this and asks him: "what in God's name are you doing sir?". The captain turns his head and says "I aft to pee".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
'American Police' playing cards.
I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.
There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one s**... and fifty one clubs.
I bought a deck of glass playing cards...
It's pretty easy to shuffle but the deck cuts you.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship…
The first one asks, Have you read Marx?
The other one replies, Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.
Why do you have to remove your deck shoes when you go ashore in Germany?
Because they are for boatin'
I asked my wife, "How many baseball players could you handle?"
She said, "Three! One at bat, one on deck and one in the hole."
What is Irish and stays on your deck?
Patio furniture
I was playing cards with my friend and lost.
I got so mad, I decked him in the face.
I got banned from Home Depot today
A man in an orange apron walked up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When the computers c**... at work.
A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.
Why did the sailor get fired for cleaning the deck?
....he went overboard...
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
Why did the sailors dog hide below deck?
Because it was afraid if ruff seas.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You're almost playing with a full deck.
However you're one j**....
What's the difference between Chris Brown and a builder?
Chris Brown will actually finish the decking before he leaves
Why didn't they ever play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck
When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.
I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.
Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?
His poker decks.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.
In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.
It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.
One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?
I was painting a ladies deck and noticed she had some carpenter bee damage.
She nearly slapped me when I offered to make the necessary repairs. I suppose I shouldn't have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes
I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.
I just made it up after a couple of glasses
I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.
I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards
They must have thought I was a taroist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know...
An AGM guided missile has an e**... big enough to wreck several decks on a warship?
Anyways, I got dishonorably discharged from the navy
At work today I brought my team new markers, crafting paper, decks of cards, and snacks
They didn't know I was coming, so I jumped out and yelled SUPPLIES!!
(We work in Children's mental health and everyone got a kick out of it)
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
Always use a proper deck of cards
A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died...
I'm not putting any Halloween or Christmas stuff in my yard this year.
I'm just going to stand on my back porch reciting the Gettysburg address. That will be my deck oration.
My pirate friends always bring a box of Q-tips to poker night.
The loser has to swab the deck.
God: Noah, it's time to build another boat.
Noah: Oh, so soon! But hey, you are the boss. So the same, animals, two by two?
God: Actually no. We forgot the fish last time so this time this will be just for the fish.
God (again): Also, build it with more than one deck.
Noah: Big boat, only fish and several levels. Got it boss!
God: And another thing. Not just any fish. I want only Carp on the new boat.
Noah: So, let me get this right God.
You want a "Multi Storey
Carp Ark!"....
The pirate comes up onto the deck
The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.
"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.
The captain replies, "Are".
This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?
A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The street magician
A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed participant replies "yes!" So the magician pulls the card on the bottom and asks "is this my card?" To which a now confused participant says "No, that's just a picture of... My coat?" The magician responds
"Oh s**... I did it wrong. That's your cardigan"