Belong Jokes

What are some Belong jokes?

Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?

The man replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.

You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.

I did, the man replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach.

I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women's rights doesn't belong in the fiction section.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

[Blonde Joke] Two blondes are walking in the forest and they come across some tracks. They start arguing about what animal they belong to.

In the middle of their heated argument they got run over by a train.

The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive.

The rest of the house needs cleaned too

KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle

Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.

Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

Pastor in the KKK

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

I am not a sexist but...

female mosquitos don't belong in a workplace. They the suck the life right out of you.

Three dumb guys are in a bar talking about their cheating wives...

First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me."

Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician's toolbox under our bed."

Third guy says, "You guys have it easy. My wife is having an affair with a horse!"
- "A horse?! How'd you find that out?"
- "Well, yesterday I came home to find a horse jockey hiding under our bed!"

Who's clock does this belong to?

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.
He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"
Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."
The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?"
Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie."
then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?"
The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

So i got fired from my job at the library, today

Apparently the books about womens rights, do not belong at the fantasy department..

I belong to a family of failed magicians...

I've got two half-sisters.

To what branch of the military to babies belong?

The infantry.

Which of these three does not belong: (A) a lobster, (B) a flounder, or (C) a Korean man who has just been run over by a bus?

The answer is (B) a flounder.

The other two are crushedAsians.

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city...

He compares Trump to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; you wonder who put him there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

Cheese Jokes

Q:What type of cheese do you use if you need to hide a horse?
A: Mascarpone

Q:What type of cheese do you use to make a Polar Bear come to you?
A:Camembert

Q: What type of cheese is made backwards?
A: Edam

Q:What type of cheese doesnt belong to you?
A: Nacho Cheese

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While waiting to cross he see's a gorgeous blonde waiting to cross as well. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that she is checking him out. Finally, they make eye contact and with a curious look on her face she asks, "What is that bulge in your pants?" "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh my gosh, that has GOT to hurt" she said "I had tennis elbow once."

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Me and my friend robbed a chemical plant last night.

We stole all their Alkaline.
Now all their base are belong to us.

Three blondes are walking in the forest...

..when they come to a set of tracks. The first one decides she is gonna try her best to look smart in front of the other two and claims that based by the look of the tracks they belong to a badger. The second trying not to be outdone claims that the first had it all wrong and they were definitely raccoon tracks. The third blonde then decides to argue her case and claims the tracks belong to a beaver. The three are still arguing 10 minutes later when the train hits them.

A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies

The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"

The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."

What has one "n", two "g"s, an "i", "e", and an "r" and you can only say this word when you belong to this group?

ginger

I once went to a convention about impostor syndrome...

...but I had to leave because I felt like I didn't belong

A man walks into a mental hospital wearing nothing but plastic wrap.

The clerk says to him, "You definitely belong here, I can clearly see your nuts!"

A police officer sees a car speeding and pulls the man over.

When he gets to the window, he sees the driver has 5 penguins in his backseat. He asks the man why he has penguins in his car. The man replies, "These are my penguins, and they belong to me. The office says, "You need to take them back to the zoo immediately."

The next day, the officer sees the same man driving down the road. He pulls him over again and sees the penguins are in his backseat again and are all wearing sunglasses. The police officer says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"Oh... I did", the driver says, "And today I'm taking them to the beach."

I got a private jet.

Rest of the jacuzzi belong to my Dad.

The Albama Preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body what would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

Which one is different from the other three and why - a fridge, a washing machine, a tv or a woman?

Most people say it's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't belong in the kitchen but they are sexist. It's the tv because it's the only one that doesn't leak when it's fudked.

Three men are in a bar

Three men are in a bar, talking about the Red Sox. "I think they'll win it all this year," said the first man. "No way, the Yankees are too good", said the second man. "Well, I've converted to several versions of Christianity and still belong to all of them!" declared the third man, before walking off.

"That was a strange guy," said the first man. "No," said the second man, "that was just a non-sect-quitter."

Riddle me this

Which does not belong:

* Nipple clamps
* Soy
* Vibrator


Answer:
The nipple clamps, the other two are meat substitutes.

Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do
a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said, "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

That's when I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.🤔

What do you call a noodle that doesn't belong?

An impasta ;)

Which of the following does not belong: a) Gordon Lightfoot b) Helen Reddy c) Donald Trump d) Celine Dion

b) Helen Reddy is not associated with a sinking ship.

There are those who know the difference between "latter" and "former," and there are those who do not.

Proud to say I belong to the latter group.

Dang girl are you the Cross of Coronado?

Because you belong in a museum ;)

My friend thinks I'm nuts. Says I belong in a padded room.

I said it couldn't hurt.

Funny Comeback

I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*

Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?

Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it

Me: well god also gave you a mouth to eat, you abused that privilege.

Girl: -speechless-

Me: oh and you might want to wipe that ketchup off your chin

Girl: *goes to wipe chin*

Me: no, your other chin

I got two front teeth for Christmas!

I have no idea who they belong to.

Divorce custody

A couples divorce proceedings are in progress, and the case of who gets custody of their 4 year old child gets raised.

The mother pleads her case: "I'm the mother, I carried her for 9 months so of course she should stay with me."

The father responds: "if I go to an ATM machine, and I insert my card, and money comes out, does the money belong to me or to the machine?"

An American mistakes a Hindu from India as a Muslim from Pakistan

Indian guy goes "Excuse me sir, you seem to have mistaken me for a Muslim from Pakistan. I belong to 711 not 911."

I will show myself out.

What belongs to me but is used the most by others?

My ex-wife

I can never figure out where I belong in the navy...

Oops, wrong sub!

To anyone reading this, you are Important, you are loved, and you belong in this world

If you have over 5000 followers

Women belong in the house...

...and the senate too

Not my panties

A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"

Turtle on a fence post

This is an old political one but relevant to today's presidential, ahem, "situation". Enjoy!

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

The old man says, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get up there by himself. He doesn't belong there; you wonder who put him there; he can't get anything done while he's up there; and you just want to help the poor, dumb thing down."

What family of animals do porpoises belong to?

No phocoenidae!

Women belong in the kitchen.

Men belong in the Kitchen.

Everyone belongs in the kitchen.

Kitchen has food.

I adopted a dog who used to belong to a blacksmith

I know he used to belong to a blacksmith because as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt.

It has a setting for fast coloureds.

A city bus cleaner is hanging ads promoting Martin Luther King Jr Day...

His co-worker shouts "Hey, those belong at the back of the bus!"

a man catches another man climbing on his trees of vaginas.

"Hey" he yells " you don't belong here, get out of my cuntree"!!!

What is brown and does not belong in a healthy sexual relationship?

A hornet's nest.

Which of the following does not belong in this list: herpes, gonorrhea, or a condominium in Cleveland?

The condo, obviously.

Nope, gonorrhea. It's the only one you can get rid of.

Guns don't belong in the hands of the teachers, they belong in the hands of the thin blue line

That's right, the hall monitors. It's time we enforce the **real** rules, people.

Sometimes I feel like a semi-colon

I don't know where I belong ;

Prostitute

Teacher: Describe hydrogen Student: It is a prostitute element


Teacher: Who taught you that?

Student: You said it does not belong to a particular group and it reacts with almost all the elements in the periodic table.

Roses are Red - Good poem for your ex's

Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry,
I'll be there too.
Not in the cage,
But laughing at you.

So I recently got fired from my job at the library

Apparently books about how to pick up women don't belong in the fantasy section.

What does a midget that gets bullied say?

I just want to belong.

You sir, belong in a bathtub

With all the other scrubs

What doesn't belong in this group, A lobster, an octopus, a crab, or a chinese man under a bus?

The octopus, obviously, the three others are crustaceans.

Why does Titan belong to Saturn?

Because it isnt Titan Uranus.

What does Bill cosby and a bad Jenga player have in common?

They both like to put their wood where it don't belong.

Why is my girlfriend like a deep fat fryer?

They're both dangerously hot and belong in the kitchen.

How to make Belong jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Belong to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Belong? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Belong pick up lines to share with friends.

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