The Best 73 Belly Jokes

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

Why did the blonde woman have bruises covering her belly?!?

Because her boyfriend was blonde too...

You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blond as well.

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Because blonde boys aren't all that bright either.

Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

Blonde Joke

Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)

A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

What did the cop say to his belly button?

You're under a vest

lol

What do you call a man with a knife in his belly, an axe in his back and an arrow in his head?

An ambulance.

Don't Eat Too Many Lollipops

A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Johnny asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

What type of belly buttons do cars have?

Audi's.

‪@Men‬..bet your female friend...

‪..that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.

You can thank me later.

Pumping up his stomach

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and the mother throws on a robe and rushes him out of the room. "I was just hopping on daddy's big belly to make it smaller" she says, but the little boy tells her "That's useless because every time you go shopping the neighbor lady comes and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

Child walks in on parents in coitus

Mummy and Daddy are having sex and their beautiful child walks in. Flustered, Mummy leaps off the bed (and off her husband) and wittingly tries to console what she thinks is her scarred son.

son: mummy, what's going on?
mum: oh son! I was just helping your daddy to flatten his belly
son: but why mummy? there's no point. the nanny just comes and blows it back up again.

My abs are so perfect...

...that i keep them safe and sound under a protective layer of beer belly.

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

I'm not Catholic, but I've given up picking my belly button for lint.

Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."

Boy: "But that won't work."

Mom: "Why not?"

Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

a man takes his crossed-eyed bull dog to the vet..

The vet examines him, looks in his eyes, ears, mouth.

he picks up the dog and checks his legs and belly. finally, the vet says "i'm gonna have to put him down"

"because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man

"no, because he's really heavy."

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

Why was the blonde's belly button sore?

Because her boyfriend was blond too.

A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

Today I said to my 7 yr old daughter - there are only two things in the universe mass and energy, do you know what the difference between mass and energy is? She jumped off of her chair and said yes!....

You are mass and I am energy, she said pointing at my belly and laughing...

I think she'll be alright, I have a feeling.

So, i wanted to know what my weight was.

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.

But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

Men are the best cooks...

With 2 eggs, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, we can fill a womans belly for 9 months!

"Do you come here often", she asked...

"No, usually in my belly button", I replied.

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

Why is the blondes belly button bruised?

Her BF is blonde too

Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

I have 3 legs, 5 arms, 7 eyes and 19 belly buttons. What am I?

A liar.

Where do they store surplus belly buttons?

The naval reserve.

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly

I told her she is ovary acting.

If the Earth is flat

then my belly is too

Why did the blonde's belly button hurt?

Blonde guys are dumb too

A polack and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.

A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the polack's remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"

What has a beer belly, but doesn't drink any beer?

A bear.

(This works best in a Jamaican accent)

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

Man goes to doctor and says: Everywhere on my body hurts! Am I dying?

Doctor says: Can you point to where it hurts and show me?
Man points at head: Ow! Points at shoulder: Ow! Points at knee: Ow! Points at belly: Ow!
Doctor examines him and says: Nope you're not dying, you just have a broken index finger.

What did the policeman say to his belly?

You're under a vest.

Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?

Her boyfriend was blonde too.

Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

What do you call a crustacean belly?

crabdomen

What the police say to his belly button

Your under a vest.

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived.


Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.


Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it's feared staff may get a raw deal.

Daddy's Fat

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?

"I have to do that, or dad's belly gets really fat, bouncing on his belly keeps him skinny."

That's not going to work.

"Why baby?"

Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

Nobody wants to be alone. A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald.....

I don't like her chances.

Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.

Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.

500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.

Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?

It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

Where do you store extra belly buttons?

In a naval reserve!

I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

Beer Belly

Some guy looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and asked sarcastically "Is that Budweiser or Heineken?"

My response: "There's a tap underneath, taste it for yourself."

Went to the naval observatory the other day.

....weirdos there wouldn't stop checking out my belly.

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys aren't that smart either.

Why did the blond have a sore belly button?

His boyfriend was blond, too.

How to loose belly fat

Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.

Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy's stomach last night?

Mom: Johny you're old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so I need to jump on top of him to help him loose the belly.

Little Johny: I don't think that's going to work mommy.

Mom: Why do you say that?

Little Johny: When you leave for work the neighbor comes in and blow him back up.

Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.

I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day while my wife was there

I said to her, 'my nose is getting bigger every day, so is my belly, I've got more wrinkles than a pug, I've got more hair coming out of my nose than I've got on my head, the skin on my neck is so loose I look like a turkey. I could really use a compliment.'

My wife said, 'your eyesight is absolutely perfect.'

Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

Little Johnny was sitting on the curb

Shaking a bottle of turpentine. The local priest walking by, stopped and asked what he had in the bottle. Johnny said, this is the most powerful liquid in the world, turpentine. The priest said, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. A couple drops on a pregnant woman's belly, and she will pass a baby boy . Johnny said, That's nothing! A couple drops of this turpentine on a cat's ass, it will pass a motorcycle.

A woman reports her husband's disappearance to the police...

A woman reports her husband's disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, He's six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.

Her friend says, What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.

And she says, Who wants that one back?

The bull and the lion

So a bull is walking through the jungle one day, bragging about his enormous size and impressive horns. He even boasted that he was afraid of nothing in the jungle. Well, a lion heard this boasting and laughed as he proceeded to kill the bull and eat him. After getting his belly full, he roared with delight that he was the king of the jungle!!!! A nearby hunter heard the roaring and shot the lion.
Moral of the story? Sometimes when you are full of bull it's better to keep your mouth shut

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.

They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.

Japanese banks

The recent tsunami in Japan has badly affected the banking sector.

Origami bank has folded.

Sumo bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped.

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?

She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…

So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…

daddy did you give mummy a baby ?

yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?

well don't give her another, she ate the last one!

My 8 year old daughter made this up today. Why did the car have a belly ache?

Because it had gas.