belly Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious belly puns

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

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Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy's belly last night.

Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy's big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.

Aha, I know why it isn't working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.

The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"

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So, i wanted to know what my weight was.

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.

But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

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This asshole looked at

my beer belly last night and said,
"Is that Corona or Heineken??"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

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Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?

Because blonde men are stupid too.

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A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.

"Mommy, why are you on top of Daddy?" he says. The mom thinks fast and says "Well, your daddy has a big belly, so sometimes I get on top of him and try to flatten it out." The boy says "well that will never work." "Why?" says the mom. "Because when you go out shopping on Saturdays, the lady next door comes over and blows it right back up again."

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A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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When my wife was pregnant, everybody caressed her belly, congratulating her.

But nobody fondled my balls and said: "good job!"

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Why did the blonde have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

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What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

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What's between an 80 year old woman's breasts that's not between a 20 year old woman's breasts?

A belly button

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Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

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Banking Crisis in Japan

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.'

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!'

'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest.

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang!

'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.'

'Ting-a-ling!'

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Johnny walked into his parents' bedroom...

He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.

"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every once in awhile I have to bounce on top of him to push it back in," she exclaimed.

Johnny, just as puzzled as ever turned to her and said, "You're wasting your time, every day when you go to work Mrs. Jones from across the street comes over and blows it back up."

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My wife found a spot between her boobs this morning.

The doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button

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A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and belly up to the bar. They all order pints of various beers and drink in silence. A moment later, three flies buzz in and land in each of their glasses.
The Englishman, quite plainly disgusted, pays his tab and leaves. The Scotsman gives the fly an inquisitive look and picks it out of his pint and flicks it in the floor. The Irishman scowls at the fly and picks it up by the wings and starts shaking it over his glass yelling,"Spit it out you bastard!"

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What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

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Blonde Joke

Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Worrying news from the Japanese financial markets. Following last week`s disclosure that the Origami Bank had folded, we hear that the Sumo Bank has just gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived, 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and Karaoke Bank is up for sale and going for a song. Analysts also report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. But Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks.

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny is sitting on the curb shaking a bottle of clear liquid. He'd shake it, stop and look at the bubbles and shake some more. A preacher come along and said, "What's in the bottle son?" Little Johnny looked up at him and said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, this here is turpentine". The preacher said, "Oh no my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. If you spread a little of this holy water on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby". Little Johnny looked up at him again and said, "Shit, that ain't nothin, if you spread a little of this turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle".

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A man brought some cookies to a party...

His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.

"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.

"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.

He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."

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Why is the blondes belly button bruised?

Her BF is blonde too

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing."

Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom.

Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?"

"That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow."

"But mommy said it was nothing!" Johnny replied.

Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer. "Son... I've spoiled that woman..."

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Two ants met in this woman's belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. I had a great time, reported the ant who had ventured north. There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.

I had a hell of a time, sighed the other ant. First I had to walk through this thick jungle, then I fell down this huge hole, and by the time I climbed out I was so tired that I fell asleep in this smelly cave. But that wasn't the worst of it: every night, this giant worm came in and threw up in my face.

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Dirty Sheets

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.

He does his best to stop it, but there's no turning off this machine once it starts. He shits the bed. Not wanting his girlfriend to find him covered in filth, he drags himself up, pulls all the sheets off the bed and tosses them out the window.

5 stories below, two homeless men are sitting outside of the hospital when, completely out of nowhere, the sheet lands on one of them. He struggles and curses and kicks and swings and finally gets the dirty sheets off of him.

His friend, looking highly amused, asks him "What the hell was that?"

He replies "I don't know, but I think I just beat the shit out of some ghost."

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This guy said to me...

This guy said to me, "Your belly is getting big... what are you going to do when you look down and you can't see your dick anymore?" So I said to him, "I'll tell your wife to get her head out of the way."

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A cop was walking through the park...

...on a beautiful summer day. He comes upon a tiny blond girl in a white dress playing with a puppy under an apple tree.

"Hello, little one! What's your name?"

"Blossom", she chirps.

"And where did that come from?"

"When I was in my mommy's belly, an apple blossom fell from this very tree and landed on her tummy."

"Adorable! And what's your little puppy's name?"

"Porky"

"And why is that?"

"He fucks pigs"

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What does an eighty year old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty year old woman doesn't?

A belly button.

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Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?

Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."

Boy: "But that won't work."

Mom: "Why not?"

Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."

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A child gets a toy Ferrari stuck in his belly button...

... it wouldn't be a problem if it was an Audi.

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What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A belly button.

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Remembering a great icon.

Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

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Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant [...]

all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!", but nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

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What are the most funny Belly jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Belly? Well, here are the best Belly dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Belly pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes