Believed Jokes
113 believed jokes and hilarious believed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about believed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Believed Short Jokes
Short believed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The believed humour may include short believes jokes also.
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
- Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
- COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
- I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
- Two deer walk out of a gay bar One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
- What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine? "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
- Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
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Believed One Liners
Which believed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with believed? I can suggest the ones about feared and proposed.
- I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic..... I was in Daniel.
- I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says. Which makes me an eighth theist.
- I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
- My parents treat me like a god. They dont believe in me.
- I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible I'm an eighth theist
- I only believe in a God 12.5% of the time Because I'm an eighth-theist
- You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
- Believe all women. Really? ALL of them? That's the dumbest thing I've Amber Heard.
- I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today That's 7 years in a row now
- My friend didn't believe me that Slash was in AC/DC C'mon he is right there in the middle
- I store drugs right under my nose Don't believe me? Check my stash
- A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar... You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!
- Yo momma, she so fat... there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round.
- What do you call people who believe in Satan? Christians
- Saw a clock in the garbage the other day! Can't believe people are wasting time!
Comical Believed Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about believed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean preached jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make believed pranks.
Personally, I don't believe in bros before h**..., or h**... before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-h**...-stasis, if you will.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
I can't believe Penn State took the Joe Paterno Statue down.
They should have just turned it so it looked the other way.
two deer are leaving a gay bar
one turns to the other and says "I cant believe I blew 40 bucks in there"
A man walks into a job interview...
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...
To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...
I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I never believed that faith could move mountains
But I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers
Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...
To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."
(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)
One man in the crowd then yelled
Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...
...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site...
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I just saw a midget get pickpocketed...
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
When I was a little boy, my dad taught me that any little boy or girl, even me, could grow up and become President someday...
I'm starting to believe him.
"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"
Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..
Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me...
I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you...
I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
What did the gay deer say when he left the bar?
I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there.
I believe in giving jobs to the mentally disabled...
but we shouldn't elect them President.
When god created man
Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny
I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.
Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.
Smart first grader
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
A 7 year old girl
A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " s**...: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at s**... that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.
Job interviewer: And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"
Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
I can't believe that there is a s**... offender registry.
Who would buy gifts for these people?
I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...
I thought it'd be a piece of cake...
Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.
Oxytocin is known to increase e**... vocalizations during s**.... Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.
It's a very powerful w**...-moan.
My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking
And then I saw her face...
My author friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him.
But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
Roman guy: You won't believe how many women I've slept with
Second Roman: mmm?
Roman Guy: don't be ridiculous, not that many
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...
...and then I saw her face...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada
It's Trudeau.
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19
when all he had to do was to not get tested.
>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...
Until I rode pasta.
I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.
He was clearly just taking a political stand.
A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus. He gasped and said,
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously
A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430am this morning!!!!
Can you believe it. Lucky I was still awake listening to music.
They banged and shouted "Can we have a little respect please?"
I shouted back "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this ones for you"
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."
Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting on my seat."
I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it
You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
What's the difference between a fairy tale and a r**... tale?
Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while r**... tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**......"
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing,
but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires…
They raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days.
