Being Thirty Jokes

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing!
I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right.
Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left.
Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital.
After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.
The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

When I was at school, fifty two percent of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other thirty eight percent.

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.

Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

"When I asked my mom what cholesterol was, she told me I'd never have to worry about cholesterol in all my life. 'It's in out genes', she said."

"When I asked my mom what cholesterol was, she told me I'd never have to worry about cholesterol in all my life. 'It's in out genes', she said."
"Oh, wow! Well, how's she doing?"
"She died of cancer at age thirty-five."

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."

A Jewish kid goes up to his dad...

Son: "Hey papa?"
Father: "Yes, ma' boy?"
Son: "I met this beautiful girl at temple today. I want to take her out. Can I borrow fifty bucks?
Father: "Forty bucks? What the heck are you gonna do with thirty bucks? Do I look like I have twenty bucks heres fifteen now take ten and bring me back five."

Fool me once...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thirty five thousand six hundred times, shame on the weatherman.

Is zero dark thirty the combination to the hurt locker?

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

Dating in your thirties is like finding a parking spot, the only way to get one is to follow them out to their car.

Don't you hate it when...

you spend thirty minutes searching for a video, only to close it two minutes later.

The World Trade Center had a Speed-Reading club

they went thru fifty stories in thirty seconds

Birthday Party

My friend's college mentor told her this story:
"So, my friend turned 32 last week, and we wanted to do something for his birthday so we put together a really quick party, only about half a minute long, and when the party ended, he was really confused and asked about the length of the party."
It was his thirty second birthday.

Why shouldn't you tell a pirate your secrets?

They ain't private ears.
(I don't care if a six year old came to this first thirty years ago, it just came to me.)

Why the Dinosaurs Died

It has been shown that the moon is moving away from us at a tiny (but measurable) distance each year. Therefore, if you do the maths, you will find that eighty-five million years ago it would've killed many, if not all the dinosaurs, by orbiting at an elevation of approximately thirty-five feet.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

Ten, Twenty, Thirty, fourty, fifty, sixty, sixtyten, "what?" four twenties

"France, stop it" four twenties and ten. "France you're drunk"

When my girlfriend told me the news, I pushed her out of a thirty-story building.

She fell pregnant.

"Awww... your baby is cute!"

...I said to a woman with a stroller one day.
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Well, my friend, little Johnny here is 18 months old!" she replied, motioning to her baby. "Also, I'm sorry to bother you, but what time is it?"
"Sure. It's eighty-three thousand, four hundred thirty-two seconds past midnight."

Hearing Aid

My neighbor just told me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty"

If I had a dollar for every time someone under thirty blamed people over forty for not be able to afford anything....

I could drink expensive, fancy beer too.

I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"
I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

How many bacteria does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
No, two. Actually, four.
No! Eight. No, sixteen. Oh God. Thirty-two. Nope, Sixty-four. No...

The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

How do you know when it's time to go to the dentist?

When it's two thirty

After being married for thirty ones years and having three children, I can safely say...

Nothing

Why is three times ten same as two times sixteen?

Because three times ten is thirty,
And two times sixteen is thirty, too.

I was supposed to go to prison for a long time, but thankfully i got was released early

Thanks to thirty years perfect attendance.

My brother is turning 32 tomorrow, so I told him not to get his hopes up.

When he asked why, I replied:
"Well, it'll be pretty short. It is your thirty-second birthday after all."

Just heard the TV weatherman say, high in the thirties .

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

My girlfriend is currently 2 years older than me. But in a few years I'll be the same age as her...

Because I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty, too.

I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It's my thirty second birthday...

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

At my recent birthday party someone asked me when I planned to retire.

I said, "Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up 'til eleven."

My friend told me she lost thirty pounds.

...but then I remembered she is British and lost 30£ instead.

Jesish kids need money too

A Jewish boy asks his father for fifty dollars, to which the father replies "forty dollars, what do you need thirty dollars for?'

My dentists office is called "Two Thirty Dental"

Because you go there when your tooth hurty.

I happened to be in court when I noticed a wrinkled old lady with grey hair sat up high...

I asked her, "You mind if I ask how old you are?"
She shouted back, "Thirty, love!"
I thought she was just messing with me so I replied, "No, really, how old are you?"
She yelled at me, "Forty, love!"
I realised then I should get back to my tennis match.

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs
St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."
The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.
The brunette goes next. She gets to the thirty second step, then laughs.
The blonde goes last. She got to the final step, and laughed.
St. Peter asks, "You were so close. Why did you laugh?"
The blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."

An old man was telling stories to his grandchildren about his hunting days.

"When I was thirty years old," he said, "I was out hunting in India, when a 13-foot tiger jumped out from behind a tree and roared at me. ROAR! I just soiled myself."
"I don't blame you," said one of the grandchildren. "If such an enormous tiger roared at me like that, I too would have soiled myself."
"Not then," replied the old man. "Just now when I said ROAR!"