Behold Jokes

What are some Behold jokes?

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

Love Handles

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichΓ©s, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.

"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."

Paddy Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:

"Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in."

"Done" says the genie, and **poof** Paddy Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots

"Genie," says Paddy Irishman, "tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England"

"Well, it's over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out." the genie replied

Paddy Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:

"Fill it with water."

Life Time Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Im not racist or anything

But I was walking home from work and I saw a black guy carrying a TV. I thought maybe I reconized it and ran home only to find low and behold, he was still there scrubbing my floor

John and Mary are having in an argument.

John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf.
Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6, the first drops of rain patter across the window. Mary is amazed and asks John how he knew to ask their neighbour and how in the world was he so accurate?
"Well", said John, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear."

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "Do you think you're going to do anything with those 2 inches?"

"What do you mean? Behold! I'm excited to announce the new and improved 2 inch PLUS!"

I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning...

We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

A young boy....

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" :s

A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy masturbation shall cease."

"Is masturbation a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.

Jesus replied, "No, masturbation is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idy...". Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

Humans vs Robots

A company working on artificial inteleigence created three robots. To test them, the company announced a competition of various tasks between the 3 robots and 3 humans. Lo and behold, the robots won in every category so far, but there still was one; hunting.

In this task, the competitors had to capture a rabbit which would be released into the woods. It was a best 2 out of 3, so whichever team caught it the fastest twice was the winner.

The rabbits were set free, and the robots found it in minutes. A hour later the humans also arrived with the rabbit.

Then the rabbits were released again, the humans ran off to find it, but the robots just stood there, because robots can't recaptcha.

Beholder must be a really nice person

'Cause beauty is in his eyes

I am now the strongest mage you could ever see!!! For i have mastered Fire and Ice magic.


How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice – I don't bereave you."

A duck walks into a hardware store...

He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"

The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."

The duck shrugs it off and leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"

The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.

Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"

The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"

The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"

The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

What's the most beautiful sight to behold in Britain?

The platform for the Eurostar to Paris.

George has a problem ... he pees in his bed at night.

So he decides to go to the doctor to fix the problem. "Well George, can you tell me what exactly happens each night that might be causing the problem?" "Well," George said, "When I fall asleep I have a dream where this small little dwarf comes to me and says 'Did you do pee pee'? And I say 'No'. So he says 'So go pee pee!' And so ... I do ..."

"I see," says the doctor ... "I have a solution for you George - Next time the dwarf asks you if you went pee pee, just say 'Yes'". "Brilliant!", Says George. Super excited, George goes home ...

That night, George falls asleep, and low and behold in his dream, the same small dwarf approaches him. "Hello!", says George, super confidently. "Did you make pee pee?", says the dwarf. "Yes! Yes I did!!", says George.

"And Doody?"


How to make Behold jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Behold to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Behold? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Behold pick up lines to share with friends.

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