behold Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious behold puns

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."

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I saw a black man running..

I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

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A man's father has just passed...

The son is arranging the funeral and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.

A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The funeral was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".

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Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

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So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting right on his bumper. He's about to walk downstairs to get it when he sees his apprentice approaching the truck. The boss yells and gets his attention, but the apprentice can't seem to make out what he's saying through the distance and all the sounds of construction.

The boss thinks for a second and starts motioning with his hands: first he points to his eye... "I"

Then he points to his knee..."need"

Then he points at himself and makes a sawing motion with his hand..."my saw"

The apprentice considers for a second, unzips his pants and starts masturbating furiously.

The contractor can't believe his eyes, and stares for 5...10...15 seconds then gets fed up, cursing his whole way down the stairs.
When he finally gets to his truck, the apprentice is still there tugging away.

"WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I SAID I NEEDED MY SAW" fumes the boss

"I know" replied the kid... "I said I was coming"

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Love Handles

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

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A man was playing a round of golf.

When he came to his favorite par 3, he hit the most glorious shot, and it rolled right in, getting a hole in one. When he picked up the ball, a genie appeared.

"Behold, I am the magic hole in one genie! I will grant you one wish. "
" Wow, well can you make my Johnson longer?"
"Your wish is my command!"

As the round went on, the man started to realize that his junk has been growing the whole game until it finally was hanging out the bottom of his pants leg. Furious, the man returned to the same hole where the genie resided. He hit ball after ball until he finally got another hole in one. The genie appeared again.
"Behold I am the... "
"I know who the hell you are. Look at what you've done." The man lifted up his pants and showed the genie his deal.
"So what is your wish?" asked the genie.
"Can you make my legs a little longer?"


My golf teacher told me this one today.

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Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman

Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman are walking along the beach together, when they come upon a lamp in the sand. Being familiar with such clichΓ©s, they picked up the lamp, rubbed it, and lo and behold a genie appeared before them.

"For releasing me from my prison, I shall grant you both one wish each."

Paddy Englishman goes first, and thinks silently for a moment:

"Well, genie, I love my country, and I'm sick of it being ruined by lazy immigrants who do nothing but live off of state benefits and handouts. I wish all the immigrants were gone from my country, and that it was just us English that lived there. Furthermore, I want a giant wall built around the coast and borders of England so nobody else can get in."

"Done" says the genie, and **poof** Paddy Englishman is back in England with the rest of his compatriots

"Genie," says Paddy Irishman, "tell me more of this giant wall surrounding England"

"Well, it's over a mile high and half a mile thick. Nothing can get in or out." the genie replied

Paddy Irishman thought for a moment, then looked to the genie and said:

"Fill it with water."

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Life Time Savings

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

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A Thief Walks into Church...

A Thief walks into an empty church to steal the offerings left behind by the people. As he walks in he approaches the big statue of jesus in the center of the church. He notices a a few pieces of gold and and a few rings on the statue and begins to take them. Suddenly, he hears the doors of the church open and he runs behind the statue to hide.

Lo and behold, a beautiful young lady walks in. She approaches the statue and begins to pray: "Oh lord, you have blessed me with a good family that is rich, you have blessed me with knowledge, and you have blessed me with good looks. Lord, could you please send me a good man for me to marry as well?"

Immediately the thief jumps out clenching his butt "Calm down lord, there is no need to kick me, Im going myself."

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Im not racist or anything

But I was walking home from work and I saw a black guy carrying a TV. I thought maybe I reconized it and ran home only to find low and behold, he was still there scrubbing my floor

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die

And go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "Behold! The Fountain of Purity! If any of you are impure you may wash it away in its water and enter into heaven."

The nuns are quiet at first, but one brave nun speaks up and says, "I once gave the priest a handjob behind the altar. St. Peter says, "Go wash your hands in the Fountain of Purity and you may enter into heaven." The nun does and goes into heaven.

A second nun says, "I once let an altar boy fondle tits in the confessional!" St. Peter tell her "Dip your tits in the Fountain of Purity and you may enter into heaven." So the nun dips her tits in the water goes into heaven.

Now there is a bustle at the back of the crowd and one nuns runs up and yells "If I'm going to have to gargle that water I'm going to do it before Sister Mary Francis puts her asshole in it!"

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John and Mary are having in an argument.

John and Mary are in the middle of an argument as to whether or not it'll rain later that day. Two hours of bickering and John suggests they go ask their Russian neighbour, Rudolf.
Rudolf listens to their story and replies that it'll definitely rain by 6 pm that evening. Lo and behold! Dot at 6, the first drops of rain patter across the window. Mary is amazed and asks John how he knew to ask their neighbour and how in the world was he so accurate?
"Well", said John, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear."

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A man goes to his doctor

A man goes to his doctor.
Man: "I'm worried doc. My penis is bright orange".



Doctor:" Well let me take a look"
The man takes out his penis and lo and behold it's bright orange.

The doctor scratches his head and asks
"Have you eaten anything unusual lately or been anywhere different?"

The man replies "No I've just been sitting at home as usual watching porn and eating cheetos"

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I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning...

We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

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Two men are changing in a locker room . . .

When one of the men notices that the other has a cork up his butt. He politely asks why it is that the man has a cork stuck in his butt. The other man explains that one day as he was walking along the beach, he noticed a lamp resting in the sand. He rubbed it three times, not really expecting anything to happen, but lo and behold a genie appeared.
"The genie explained that he would grant me three wishes, and I said 'No shit!'.

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Little Jack

Jack comes back from school one day. As he enters the house his dad immediately tells him:

-Go get me my slippers from your sister's room upstairs.

He enters his sister's room and what a sight to behold - two of his sister's pretty friends.

-Dad said I should fuck you both. - Jack said.

-How can you talk to my friends like that. - yelled his sister.

He replied:

-Wanna ask dad?

She agreed and Jack yelled downstairs:

-Dad! Just one?

-Both of them, you idiot!

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Three guys find a magic mirror.

When suddenly a ghostly figure appears and says ask for any body modification and I shall make it happen.

The first man asks for a 10 inch penis and like magic it happend.

The second man thinks this is a good idea and asks for a 15 inch penis and long behold it happend.

The third man also thinks this a good idea and asks 'I want my penis to touch the ground!' then suddenly his legs disappeared.

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A young boy....

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!" :s

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A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy masturbation shall cease."

"Is masturbation a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.

Jesus replied, "No, masturbation is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

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Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idy...". Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

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Humans vs Robots

A company working on artificial inteleigence created three robots. To test them, the company announced a competition of various tasks between the 3 robots and 3 humans. Lo and behold, the robots won in every category so far, but there still was one; hunting.

In this task, the competitors had to capture a rabbit which would be released into the woods. It was a best 2 out of 3, so whichever team caught it the fastest twice was the winner.

The rabbits were set free, and the robots found it in minutes. A hour later the humans also arrived with the rabbit.

Then the rabbits were released again, the humans ran off to find it, but the robots just stood there, because robots can't recaptcha.

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Peter and Griselda were walking home from the pub one night....

....when Griselda says, "I need a piss!" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Peter puts his hand through the bush and feels around a bit.


Lo and behold, Peter is sure he feels something dangling between Mary's legs.

He says "have you changed sex?"

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Beholder must be a really nice person

'Cause beauty is in his eyes

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I am now the strongest mage you could ever see!!! For i have mastered Fire and Ice magic.

NOW BEHOLD, the TERRIFYING POWERS of the SLIGHTLY WARM WATER!!

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George has a problem ... he pees in his bed at night.

So he decides to go to the doctor to fix the problem. "Well George, can you tell me what exactly happens each night that might be causing the problem?" "Well," George said, "When I fall asleep I have a dream where this small little dwarf comes to me and says 'Did you do pee pee'? And I say 'No'. So he says 'So go pee pee!' And so ... I do ..."

"I see," says the doctor ... "I have a solution for you George - Next time the dwarf asks you if you went pee pee, just say 'Yes'". "Brilliant!", Says George. Super excited, George goes home ...

That night, George falls asleep, and low and behold in his dream, the same small dwarf approaches him. "Hello!", says George, super confidently. "Did you make pee pee?", says the dwarf. "Yes! Yes I did!!", says George.

"And Doody?"

cr

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How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven?

Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice – I don't bereave you."

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A duck walks into a hardware store...

He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"

The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."

The duck shrugs it off and leaves.

The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"

The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.

Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"

The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"

The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"

The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

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Ancient Humor

Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"

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I have a tendency to use words in a context they don't behold.

I call it a freudian flip.

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Satan emerges from the earth, clutching a large fruit

"Behold me, and this pear"

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What are the most funny Behold jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Behold? Well, here are the best Behold dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Behold pick up lines to share with friends.

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