Behold Jokes
32 behold jokes and hilarious behold puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about behold that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Behold Short Jokes
Short behold jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The behold humour may include short beware jokes also.
- One of my many niche-market jokes They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why haven't beekeepers monopolized the fashion industry?
- Everyone knows beauty is in the eyes of the beholder but what are in the hands of the beholder? bees
- If I am holding a bee, what is in my eye? Beauty.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. - Aggressiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Until he punches you in the face. Then aggressiveness is inbetween the eyes of the beholder.
- I am now the strongest mage you could ever see!!! For i have mastered Fire and Ice magic. NOW BEHOLD, the TERRIFYING POWERS of the SLIGHTLY WARM WATER!!
- What's the most beautiful sight to behold in Britain? The platform for the Eurostar to Paris.
- How did the Chinese atheist get to heaven? Jesus said to him "Behold! I am risen!" and he said "That's nice – I don't bereave you."
- Ancient Humor Once Plato said "Humans are nothing but featherless bipeds". To this, Diogenes came running with a plucked chicken and said "Behold! A man"
- What did the pirate say when the other pirates called his treasure chest ugly? Yarr.. b**... is in the eye of the beholder.
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Behold One Liners
Which behold one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with behold? I can suggest the ones about obey and embrace.
- I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands. It was a spectacle to behold.
- In a department store, where is your beauty? Aisle of the beholder.
Lol I hate myself. - Beholder must be a really nice person 'Cause beauty is in his eyes
- Most humor is funny, but, Vitreous Humor is in the eye of the beholder.
- The person who said Beauty is in the eye of beholder... Must be drinking at a bar
- I have a tendency to use words in a context they don't behold. I call it a freudian flip.
- Why are spectators so happy with their jobs? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder
- Offense is in the eyes of the beholder Too bad I have your eyes
Comical Behold Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about behold you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thou shalt jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make behold pranks.
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian...
...are in The Louvre, looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.
"Behold!" says the Englishman. "Their resolve in adversity. Their stoicism. They must be English!".
"Nonsense!" cries the Frenchman. "Look at them. They are elegant. They are poised. They are beautiful. Surely they must be French?".
The Russian is quiet for a moment. Then he speaks.
"They have no clothes. They have no shelter. They have only apple to eat between them and are being told this is paradise.
They are Russian".
A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.
The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"
And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.
The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live in the depths below?"
And so he too dives into the water and is never seen again.
The chemist, after having observed everything that happened, then pulls out his lab notebook and writes,
*The physicist and the biologist were both soluble in water.*
I saw a black man running..
I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.
A man's father has just passed...
The son is arranging the f**... and talks to the mortician about his father's remains. He says "I know we don't have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can".
A week after the f**..., the mortician presents the son with a bill for $50. Thinking it to be very reasonable, the son pays the bill. The next week, the son gets another $50 bill from the mortician. He pays that as well.
A week later low and behold a third bills comes to the son for $50. The son calls the mortician and says "The f**... was 3 weeks ago, why am I still getting this $50 bill?" "You wanted the best for your father", the mortician says, "so I rented him a tux".
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!
Im not racist or anything
But I was walking home from work and I saw a black guy carrying a TV. I thought maybe I reconized it and ran home only to find low and behold, he was still there scrubbing my floor
Two astronauts went to the moon
When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, Hello! We're from planet Earth! The native, with a scared look, says, Oh god, not again.
A serial killer goes on a killing spree
He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.
The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.
Naturally the police find him pretty easily.
When he gets to court though his case is thrown out by the judge.
When asked why he let a serial killer go, the judge replies: "If we arrested everyone for bad facebook posts, half the country would be in jail!".
A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.
They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck n**... woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.
The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "
The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Japan!"
The Viking shakes his head and says " No! She is in truth a Viking! Behold the beard of Thor!"
I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning...
We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"
I was at a restaurant the other day and David Tennant was at the table next to me. Lord behold the waitress accidentally brought me his order. So of course I ate it. When she asked if I enjoyed it
I said, it was just what the Doctor ordered.
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse...
... He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."
A woman marries a Greek man
On her wedding night her father pulls her aside and says, "Darling, you should know that many Greek men have certain . . . proclivities. There will likely come a time when you'll be making love and he'll ask you to . . . um, roll over. Please, sweetheart, for my sake, DON'T DO IT."
Lo and behold, one night two or three months into the marriage they're making love and her husband suggests she roll over.
Enraged, she jumps up from the bed. "My father warned me about this! Not happening!" To which he replied, "Honey, don't you ever want to have kids?"
Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*
Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!
A blind man asks Jesus to heal him
"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy m**... shall cease."
"Is m**... a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.
Jesus replied, "No, m**... is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."
