Begs Jokes
50 begs jokes and hilarious begs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about begs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Begs Short Jokes
Short begs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The begs humour may include short begged jokes also.
- My priest is surprisingly homophobic... ...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
- When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back. But, when you do, they're all running and screaming.
- A friend asked me who my favourite vampire was. "That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.
They told me he didn't count.
I said, "I beg to differ...". - Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
- What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face
- My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
- Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention? Well then you know how UK feels
- My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend. Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - A man sees a small boy begging for money He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.
The boy asks "what gave me away?"
The man responds "your parents"
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Begs One Liners
Which begs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with begs? I can suggest the ones about pleads and urges.
- My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe.
- My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park I tried so hard.
- "Talk dirty to me!"she begged. "Alright," he said leaning closer, "Volkswagon diesel!"
- My girlfriend begged me to make her scream so I set her cat on fire.
- My friend Tony begged me not to say his name backwards I said "Y not?"
- What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging...!
- What did the famished eaglet beg his parents? "Prey for me!"
- Did you hear about that masochistic bully? He was just begging to get punched
- My dog begged me to buy him a muzzle, so I did. Just to keep his mouth shut.
- What did the arthritic panhandler have for breakfast? Begs and achin'
- What do you call someone who begs for a free copy of "Return Of The King"? A free-LOTR
- What do you call a chef who begs for money? A panhandler.
- My identity was stolen two days ago. They called today begging for me to take it back.
- They said there was no way they were going to let me out of the army. I begged to defer.
- I beg you, please stop making sacrifices to the Time Bean At least for the time being.
Comical Begs Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about begs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean seeks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make begs pranks.
Based on statistics
The most used s**... position among married couples is d**......
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A guy murders his parents.
He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.
The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"
The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."
Studies show that doggy is the most common s**... style among married couples.
The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
It has been determined, the most used s**... position for married couples is the d**... position...
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
What's a married couples favorite s**... position?
d**....
The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
A Jewish Grandmother and her Grandson are walking on the beach...
When a wave comes over the grandson and takes him under. The grandmother falls to her knees and begs, "Oh God! Please bring back my grandson!"
Another wave crashes, and the grandson is soaked, but otherwise unharmed. The grandmother looks to the skies and says, "Where's his hat?"
A blonde woman, who is feeling depressed, decides to end her life.
The woman's husband sees her about to shoot herself, and begs her, "Please! Don't do it!"
The woman glares at her husband and says, "Shut up! You're next!"
The most popular s**... position when you're married is...
d**..., the man begs while the woman plays dead.
A man and woman in bed
"Give me some", man begs.
"No. You've had too much," wife responds.
"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.
"I'm tired of this. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.
Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, grabs a bottle of champagne. He fiddles with the cork and it pops out with a bang.
From the kid's room, an accusing voice comes
"Mom, you shoulda given dad some. See, now he went and shot himself."
A man goes golfing
And he hits the most incredible drive, an absolute rocket. 100 down range a bird flies into the middle of the fairway, gets smoked by the ball and drops down dead. The man walks up to the bird and sees that the ball has gone right through!
This begs the question, is it a birdie or a hole-in-one.
Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a groundhog which begs the question
How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?
A Chinese kid begs her mother: "Mom I want a puppy!"
Mom checks the oven and replies: "It's not done yet."
So, a woman and an inexperienced guy want to have s**......
She proposes doing 69, he doesn't know the position but agrees - doesn't matter had s**..., he thinks.
They begin, she s**... and he licks happily away, but suddenly she has to f**.... He pauses, shivers but continues.
Shortly after, she farts again. He pushes her off, puts on his pants. She begs him not to go, he answers: "sorry, I like you and s**... is fun... But I won't take the other 67."
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
If a t**... and a bunch of rich people are dressed the same, how does the t**... stand out?
He begs to differ.
My 5 year old always begs me to take her to the dog park...
She loves playing with them and giving them treats. But the whole time I'm filled with dread. My hands start sweating. I feel anxious and nauseous. That despite her laughter and joy my whole day will be utterly ruined. I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD.
Pooon Tennis Shoe Disorder
A man drops a nail, which rolls under his bed, so he goes down under.
This begs the question of why he decided to go to Australia to get a new nail instead of searching under his bed.
They say it takes 10 years of doing something to become a professional at it...
My wife begs to differ
A woman brings her son to the beach
She fusses over him and tells him to be careful when he goes in the water. Suddenly she sees a wave hit him and the ocean pulls him under. The woman screams and runs to the water. Falling to her knees she begs God, dear lord, please bring my only son back to me. Please lord, he's all I have in my life. Moments later the sun shines down from beyond the clouds and the boy, coughing but alive, steps out of the water. The mother looks up at the sky and yells he had a hat!
Man is arrested for calling a police "pig"
He is released next morning
- Tell me officer, the man begs, is it never allowed to call police "pig"?
- Well yes, you can call us police, cops, even the blues, but never call us pigs again.
- Ok, ok. I can do that.
- Have a nice day sir
- Yet I wonder, the man continues, what if I call a pig "police", would that be ok?
- Well, that's a bit weird for sure... but I guess it's nothing we could put you in jail for or anything.
- I see, I see... goodbye, police
A man wants his house painted white while he's on vacation.
Looking through the newspaper he sees an ad for the Wong Brothers Painting Company.
He hires the Wong Brothers to paint his house white as he's preparing to leave for the week.
When his vacation is over he comes home and his house is *pink*.
Angry, he goes to the Wong Brothers and begs the question "*Why is my house pink?! I strictly asked for you to paint it white!*"
The Wong Brothers reply "Sorry, two Wongs don't make it white".
Credit to my father.
A thirsty man is crawling...
through the desert and comes up to a jewish tie salesman. He begs the salesman for water, but the salesman replys, "I don't have any water, but I have some nice ties for sale." The thirsty man again begs for water and the salesman says, " I only have ties, but over that sand dune 30 miles is a town with water." The thirsty man crawls the 30 miles to the town. Several hours later the man comes crawling back to the tie salesman and says, "I made it to the town with water, but they won't let me in without a tie."
The talking dog....
A guy goes into a bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that dogs aren't allowed inside. The man protests "but this is a special dog, he talks."
The bartender is suspicious, so the man asks the dog "How would you describe sand paper?"
"Ruff" says the dog.
"What is on top of a house?"
"Roof" says the dog.
The bartender is getting annoyed, so the man begs to let him ask one more question.
"Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Roof" says the dog.
With that, the bartender halls the man and his dog out onto the street. The man is dejected. The dog sees this, looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio?"
A man and his wife finish dinner; she goes to clear his plate when he grabs her hand softly.
"Let's make love. Right now." The wife responds to the request tepidly, "But I have to clean up." The husband begs, "Can't it wait?" The wife relents.
They are having s**... when the man asks for a b**.... She remembers the mess in the kitchen and, seeing an opportunity, says, "Okay, but I don't want to see a single dish in that sink tonight." He eagerly agrees.
The wife gives her husband a b**..., and when she's done, the man pulls out a blindfold. Surprised, the wife purrs, "What are you going to do to me?"
Perplexed, the husband responds: "You said you didn't want to see the dishes."
In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.
Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
**"Yes."**
*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.
.
The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.
***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.
.
On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*
***"Yes."***
*"Could you please remove it?"*
***"Okay."***
Three Fishermen
Three fishermen are fishing and one of them catches a magic fish. The magic fish begs for life and says: Please let me go. You each have a wish and I'll make them come true!
The fishermen agreed. One fisherman says, I want to be the president of the United States! , and he becomes the President of the United States, and is now in the White House. The second fisherman says, I want to be a famous movie star! and immediately he's a famous movie star living in his mansion somewhere in Beverly Hills. The last fisherman says, This is a joke! Bring those fools over here so we can catch some fish and go home, it's getting late!
An Atheist in the woods
An atheist is taking a walk in the woods, when suddenly a large bear steps out from behind a tree and attacks him. The atheist runs away, but the bear chases him, and it becomes apparent to the atheist that the bear is catching up. At last, out of desperation, the atheist drops to his knees, and begs, " God? I know I never really believed in you, but if you exist, could you at least make the bear a Christian?"
The bear then appears from behind a tree. Bowing its head, the bear murmurs, " O Lord, bless this bounty which I am about to receive."
Logick Humor:
Circular reasoning is illogical because it begs the question.
A mud joke
(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)
A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anything to save you. I give you no more than one week to live"
The woman, desperate, begs him "Are you really sure there isn't any drug that can help me ?"
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Well, ok, you can try taking mud baths 5 times a day"
The woman, with a big smile and a new hope says "Ok, that seems feasible. Are you sure that can cure my disease ?"
The doctor answers "Oh no, that won't cure you, but at least you'll get used to being in the earth."
Cinderella realllyyy wants to go to the ball....
And begs Fairy Godmother to help.
"Alright," Fairy Godmother says, "but only on two conditions. First, that you wear a diaphragm. Secondly, that you're home by midnight. Oh, and if you're not home by midnight, your diaphragm is turning into a pumpkin.'
Cinderella agrees and Fairy Godmother sends her off to the ball.
Fairy Godmother is watching the clock when midnight comes and goes. Around two, three in the morning Cinderella finally stumbles in looking all lovestruck.
"Where have you been?!" Fairy godmother demands. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin hours ago!"
"Oh I met a prince and he took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with this power. I demand to know his name!"
"I can't remember exactly... It was Peter, Peter, something or other..."
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...
A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams:
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!"
The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please.
The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD."
The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push!
The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door.
The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy.
"Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk."
"All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this."
Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?"
The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"
