Beginning Of School Jokes
23 beginning of school jokes and hilarious beginning of school puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about beginning of school that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Beginning Of School Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good beginning of school joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
Trump visits an elementary school
Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
A farmer, shouts one.
An astronaut, shouts another.
The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.
Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete m**...? Are you s**...? Are you an idiot?
The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception
She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!
An old man stumbles into a bar after having had a few already...
Once inside, he slides up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. "To the class of '55!" he yells, holding the glass aloft. Next to him, an old drunk raises his glass, "To the class of '55!"
"Where you from?" asks the first man of the second after they both toast.
"I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."
"You don't say?! I'm from Pittsburgh!"
The two men drink to their hometown.
"What high school did you go to?" Ask the second man as he orders them another round.
"St Ignaius on Lombard Street."
"You're kidding me, I went to St Ignaius!" The two toast the coincidence and sling an arm over each other's shoulders as they begin to fondly reminisce about the old days.
A bar regular walks in and calls out to the bartender, "Hey Steve, what's going on?"
"Oh nothing," Steve replies, "The Johnson twins are drunk again."
A middle school in Oregon
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
The secret to a good marriage
It was grandparents day at school.
"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.
"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now. So I asked him , what was his secret. He looked at me, thought a bit and began. son there only one single thing to a good marriage...."
The whole class seemed to hold their breath. Everything seemed to stand still.
" And when I find out what that is, I will get married again".
I was talking to someone the other day...
I was talking to someone the other day and they told me about their life. They said they'd lived their whole life in a bakery in London: they grew up there, went to school there and are now beginning to work there...
They're London born and bred.
What do you call it when you begin to like school?
Stockholm Syndrome.
What begins at the end and ends at the beginning?
Back to school ads
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
“Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things.
What am I?”
A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"
My turn to translate a joke (from french)
So the school inspector enters a spanish course, and takes a sit in the back of the room, next to little Johnny.
The class begins, and the spanish teacher asks :
Who can translate this sentence? and writes the sentence on the board : Mi perro es moreno
Only little Johnny is raising his hand
- Little Johnny? she asks
- What a nice a**... she's got !
- Oh god ! That does it ! Get out, you rude child !
Little Johnny looks huffy, but gathers his stuff and starts to walk out.
Before leaving, he says to the inspector:
- Next time, if you don't know then don't suggest the answer
The reunion
Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and obviously bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance....There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:
"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."
The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.
"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."
A husband takes his wife to her high school reunion
A husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
Namesake joke...
Two people were left standing at the national poetry contest, the Harvard grad and the highschool drop out.
The regulators gave the rules for the final round, "a word will be given and each contestant will be given 5 minutes to develop a poem using the word". The word was selected and the Harvard grad was drawn to go first, the word Timbuktu....
Harvard steps to the mic, clears his t**... and begins:
"Across the bleak and dreary sand
Trekked a meek and weary band
Men on camel two by two
Deatination Timbuktu"
The croud applauds the obvious skill of the Harvard man.
Then the high school drop out approaches the microphone. He snorts, gravels his t**..., and proceeds to spit onto the floor off the stage. The words that follow:
"Me and Tim and huntin went
Found three w**... in a pop up tent
They was many and we was few
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
The drop out won hands down.
WW2
A teacher asks a WW2 pilot to speak to her elementary school class. He tells the children a bit about the army and what day to day life was like. Then he begins to tell them about a dog fight he had been in. He gets very excited as he telling the story and says to the children, "There were Fokkers to the right and Fokkers to the left. There were Fokkers above me and Fokkers below me!" The teacher interrupts to say, "Children, the Fokker is a type of airplane." "Yeah," the pilot says, "except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
The lipstick problem
My local middle school had a problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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Beginning Of School One Liners
Which beginning of school one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beginning of school? I can suggest the ones about school start and starting school.
- What do you call it when you begin to like school? Stockholm Syndrome.
- What begins at the end and ends at the beginning? Back to school ads