begging Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious begging stories

What are the best Begging puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Begging? Well here is a complete list of Begging dad jokes:

The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Two blondes with horses...

Two blonds who loved horse riding had been begging their parents to get them a horse each for a long time, and in the end the parents give in.

The two blonds wants to be able to distinguish which horse belongs to whom.
The first blonde says: "Let's cut off the tail off on one of the horses, that way we can tell the difference!"
They agree, and proceed to do so, however after a week the tail has grown back out, and they agree they need a more permanent solution.

The other blonde suggests: "Let's shave all the hair off one horse"
They do so, but they encounter the excact same problem that the hair grows back out really fast.

After a while of brainstorming one of the blondes says: "I guess we will have to sell one of them and get another"
The second blonde says: "Which one should we sell? The black or the white one?"

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Got in a fight with my wife last night

Says one guy to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"

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Funny Blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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You're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Don't make a sound...

3 men were exploring some deep jungles when they came across a cannibal tribe. The 3 men were taken to the cannibal chief. After some begging and pleading by the 3 men, the cannibal chief decides to show some mercy. He says "You 3 men go out into the jungle. You come back with 10pcs of fruit each. Then I will explain your next move." The first comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says: "You must get each piece and dive it up your ass. No sounds, no emotions or I kill you."
The man begins. After the 3rd apple, he screams. The chief immediately cuts of his head. The 2nd returns with 10 blueberries.
The chief responds: "You choose wisely. Now shove each piece up your ass. No moaning no emotion or I kill you."
The man proceeds. 7...8...9... then he starts busting up laughing.
The chief responds: "Now I have to kill you. But why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
The man replies, I'm sorry chief. I just saw my friend coming... He has 10 pineapples!!"

Tl;dr Never choose pineapples.

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A young blonde woman is distraught...

because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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So a guy goes to the restroom...

A gentlemen walks into the bathroom and notices a man struggling to piss.

He says "what's wrong bud?"

The guy turns around, pants still up and shows that he has no arms. He starts looking desperate and asks the man for a huge favor.

"I need you to hold my pecker while I piss. Pleeease, I'm begging you" he said

The guy looks confused but agrees and helps him. He notices something is wrong with the mans dick. After he's done helping the poor guy he stops and asks,

"What's wrong with your dick man?"

The guy looks at him, pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,

"I don't know, but I sure as hell don't wanna touch it!!"

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The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

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An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

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My first blonde one..

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - One to arrest the light bulb for begging for change and other to beat the room because it's black.

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Suicidal Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

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Things they show on TV these days

I was watching TV when I saw a bunch of kids torturing a starving soul. All the kids had food and were running around spilling it everywhere and yet refusing to share it with the guy who was literally begging for food. He probably starving, maybe he even a had hungry wife and children to feed. And yet, these kids kept eating in front of him, taunting him "Silly rabbit trix are for kids". Fucking asshole kids.

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funny email typo

Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.

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To: All Staff
Subject: Copier

Please, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!

We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.

PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.


Thanks for your help.

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I saw so many people begging for money in Tallahassee today.

This city is full of panhandlers.

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A woman goes to the Doctor

A woman goes to the doctor and, during the examination, says to the doctor "Oh Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor looks at her and says," Ma'am, with all due respect, I cannot kiss you, no way! It's unethical for me to behave that way." So, on with the appointment. A few minutes later, the woman again says, "Oh Dr., please won't you just kiss me? Please? I'm begging you, kiss me!" The doctor again looks her over and says, "Look lady, I'm a married man, alright! I can't kiss you! not gonna happen!" And, on with the exam. About 15 minutes later, the woman, exasperated, says, "Doctor, I won't ask you again, just please won't you kiss me! Kiss me right here on this table! I don't care! Damn your ethics! Damn your wife!" The doctor, getting somewhat upset now, says, "God dammit bitch, I can not and will not kiss you! It is not going to happen so stop asking ok?! I really probably shouldn't even be fucking you!"

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Please no daddy

"No daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and swallow it again, it will make me sick like it did before."

"Come on sweetheart, its not that bad. Your mum's cooking has improved a little bit."

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Kids say the darndest things

An old man is sitting in his chair watching the game when his 6yr old grand-daughter sits on his lap, begging him to talk like a frog. "Why do you want me to talk like a frog?", the grand-father asks. "Mom says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak.

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My girlfriend kept begging me to go deeper...

But I ran out of poems

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So, me and my girlfriend where doing some roleplay.

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

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Dog Problems

A boy told his dad that his dog was getting lonely. The boy thought that the dog just needed a girl dog in his life. The boy kept begging and begging his dad to get him a new dog. The dad finally snapped and said, fine just stop bitchin about it.

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I was begging my professor to give me one more point so I could pass the class.

He argued that it would be immoral, like getting money that you didn't earn.

I said its not exactly the same thing .

He said you get the point .

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Intel Children's Book Commercial

I am asking nicely, can someone please turn the intel commercial about the children's book designer into a dickbutt gif, please. I mean, it's practically begging for it! Please, someone do it!

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I was walking the streets of downtown Baltimore.

I was walking the streets of downtown Baltimore when I came across this mumbling homeless man feeding the birds and begging for change.

As he approached me I nervously pulled out some loose change to give to him and said, "Good afternoon. I see the birds really like you. What is your favorite kind of bird." With a blank stare he looked up at me and said "Heron"

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Two adults were having a conversation.

The first one says:

"Hey Sam."

Sam replies, "I just got fired from my job, and I make so little money from begging."

"Thats terrible!"

Sam then said "hahsjhsnksalwjjs"

The first person then said "That doesn't even make any sense!

Sam replied "I guess I'd rather make dollars then cents(read it out loud)"



Heard this from a friend, thought it was great! Second joke on here so make sugestions!

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Two Jews win the lotto.

"But Hershel! What will we do about the begging letters?!"

"Oy, Hyman, dont worry. We'll just keep sending them!"

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Why do the French lose so many wars?

Because every time they thank somebody, people think they are begging for mercy!

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The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the stalker returned the very next day with a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings as she requested. The woman responded with a task she thought her stalker could surely not accomplish.

"Before I have sex with you, I want you to buy me a brand new Porsche."

The woman was stunned as the man returned the next day in a brand new Porsche convertible . The woman quickly thought of an excuse to avoid having sex with the stranger.

"Im sorry but I can only have sex with someone who has a 12 inch penis." she explained.

The woman felt relieved as her stalker walked away. To her astonishment, the man returned half an hour later, weeping, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand, and his pants around his ankles with the remainder of his penis wrapped in bandages.

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the colon. What we'll do is start by filling it up with an IV solution for a week and see how you do."

The man comes back a week later and 10 pounds lighter. He is delighted.

"Doc, this is great, but it's a little boring. There's no flavor or taste."

The doctor gives him an exam, and tells him, "Well, since this seems to be working OK, you can start on some soft foods, like bananas and oatmeal. Shove those up your ass when you're hungry and see how it goes."

A week later the man is back, 10 pounds lighter and delighted with the way he looks.

"Doc, this is working great. What do we do next?"

"Well, you seem to be adapting well to the diet. Eat whatever you want through your ass, celery, steak, whatever. Then let's see you back in 2 weeks."

Two weeks later the man is back, 20 pounds lighter, new clothes, and full of energy. He is literally bouncing up and down on his seat. The doctor says, "Wow, you look great, and full of energy. Is the bouncing some kind of exercise?"

"Nah," says the man, "just chewing some gum."

***best done with actions***

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best begging jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 32 puns about begging. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty begging gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these begging jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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