Begging Jokes
66 begging jokes and hilarious begging puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about begging that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Begging Short Jokes
Short begging jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The begging humour may include short pleads jokes also.
- When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back. But, when you do, they're all running and screaming.
- Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!" The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."
- What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never begged to have a lentil on my face
- My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging... for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.
- Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention? Well then you know how UK feels
- My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend. Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
- What did all of Donald Trump's closest friends say to him at Christmas? I beg your pardon.
- Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful... ...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead.
I beg to differ.
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Begging One Liners
Which begging one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with begging? I can suggest the ones about desperation and weeping.
- My GF begged me to stop singing Linkin Park I tried so hard.
- What is a man's idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging...!
- What did the famished eaglet beg his parents? "Prey for me!"
- My dog begged me to buy him a muzzle, so I did. Just to keep his mouth shut.
- What did the arthritic panhandler have for breakfast? Begs and achin'
- What do you call someone who begs for a free copy of "Return Of The King"? A free-LOTR
- What do you call a chef who begs for money? A panhandler.
- My identity was stolen two days ago. They called today begging for me to take it back.
- They said there was no way they were going to let me out of the army. I begged to defer.
- I beg you, please stop making sacrifices to the Time Bean At least for the time being.
- My wife told me she wanted to have one child of each gender I begged her to only have two
- "Dad, don't leave us. Please. I'm begging you." "Hi begging, I'm JIM."
- My wife is such a bad cook... that our pets beg for Tums!
- People keep begging me to stop telling old fashioned jokes. Take my wife's pleas....
- Logick Humor: Circular reasoning is illogical because it begs the question.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Begging Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about begging you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crying jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make begging pranks.
I saw so many people begging for money in Tallahassee today.
This city is full of panhandlers.
The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci
Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got in a fight with my wife last night
Says o**... to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"
Two blondes with horses...
Two blonds who loved horse riding had been begging their parents to get them a horse each for a long time, and in the end the parents give in.
The two blonds wants to be able to distinguish which horse belongs to whom.
The first blonde says: "Let's cut off the tail off on one of the horses, that way we can tell the difference!"
They agree, and proceed to do so, however after a week the tail has grown back out, and they agree they need a more permanent solution.
The other blonde suggests: "Let's shave all the hair off one horse"
They do so, but they encounter the excact same problem that the hair grows back out really fast.
After a while of brainstorming one of the blondes says: "I guess we will have to sell one of them and get another"
The second blonde says: "Which one should we sell? The black or the white one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Please no daddy
"No daddy, please no, daddy, I'm begging you, please don't make me put it in my mouth and s**... it again, it will make me sick like it did before."
"Come on sweetheart, its not that bad. Your mum's cooking has improved a little bit."
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.
"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"
Kids say the darndest things
An old man is sitting in his chair watching the game when his 6yr old grand-daughter sits on his lap, begging him to talk like a frog. "Why do you want me to talk like a frog?", the grand-father asks. "Mom says we can all go to Disneyland when you croak.
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So the other day i saw a b**... begging by the side d the river
But I didn't give a dam
Two older gentlemen were talking
One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'
Two men were lost in a desert...
Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Texting while driving is incredibly s**... and dangerous
You're practically begging for typos.
I went to the store today and seen this sausage begging her mom for an overly expensive purse. She then began to cry when her mother said no..
What a brat
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What did the man tell Jesus when he found him on the streets begging?
You're a messiah?
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My priest is surprisingly homophobic...
...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
After much begging, pleading and crying she gave me a second chance.
Unfortunately it said I had to make general repairs on all my property.
Foreplay
What is Jewish foreplay?
Four hours of begging
What is Italian foreplay?
"Maria, I'm home"
I saw a black guy riding a bike down the street
I thought it was mine, so I checked my garage and it was still chained up, begging for food.
After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.
I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Well me and the wife have doggy s**... every night.
I sit at the end of the bed panting and begging and she rolls over and plays dead
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't paraplegics cook Chinese food?
Because they can't "wok."
Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.
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Isn't it just the worst when you see absolute dirty beggars, begging for upvotes?
Upvote if you agree!!
A kid was begging his dad to move to California.
Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree
Kid: California starts with Cal
Dad: And?
Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal
Dad: What does that mean?
Kid: It all adds up
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly e**... s**....
Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!" Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this. I don't know Japanese. People read anything as long as it's about s**....
My son kept begging me to take him to an aquarium...
So I brought him to a McDonald's. There's tons of big whales and it's much cheaper!
My girlfriend is always begging to get out of the house
But if I unchain her from the pole in my basement... Then I wouldn't have a girlfriend anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex called me today, begging me to look at an MRI she had recently
She said it would prove she had been acting crazy due to brain damage. Having been lied to so many times before I scoffed. Told her I wasn't having any of her psycho schematic b**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a black guy riding a bike...
I was wondering where I left mine, then realized it was in the shed at home begging for food.
Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging
These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Asking for gold is like begging for s**......
It almost never happens, and when it does it's whaurific.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you Americans feel about Obama?
I mean, he was a black in a white house, begging for change...
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Wikipedia's constant begging for funds is annoying but it has an effect on me.
I think this year I will detonate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What type of stick is begging to be touched and have hands all over it?
A string cheese stick
My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.
I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was staying in a c**... motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...
... that I decided to let her out.
Two beggers discussing on how to spend their fortunes if they somehow became millionaires..
Beggar 1: I would build a house, marry to a beautiful lady, and live a stable life.
Beggar 2: I will buy a Limousine, and then go for begging in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex- girlfriend is an accountant and she cheated on me with her boss to get a raise. She regretted her decision and texted me begging me to take her back.
I responded: "oh look, it's the thot that counts."
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.
Stranger: What is your name, sad lady
Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat
Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it.
A starving man traveling the country goes door-to-door begging for his breakfast meal.
One lady opens her door to the man and he says, please I am starving, I have nothing but some rocks in my pocket. If you let me eat some eggs, I'll show you eating my rocks!
The lady lets the man in and gives him some eggs. The man then asks for a pan to lay the eggs. Then he asks for oil to put on the pan. Then he asks if he can use the stove to cook the eggs. After all is said and done, the man thanks her for the breakfast and prepares to leave, but the lady interrupts him: aren't you going to eat your rocks?
I'm full, but I think I'll save them for the road.
I knocked on my father's door in the middle of the night, begging him to let me in. I said, "Please let me stay here dad, I'm a wanted man."
He said, "That's impossible son. You weren't even a wanted child."
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
Got my second shot today
Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.
Another homeless man is on the street corner begging for money.
"Please Sir!" he addresses a well dressed man. "Do you have a buck for a pice of bread?"
"Well" answers the man, "it depends. I need to see the piece of bread first!"
I took my son to the fair on the weekend…
…and we we're having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.
Being the great dad I am, on the way home we stopped and rescued a puppy that he's been begging me for, for years. Thanks to me, he'll never think about that palm reader again.
