Begging Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."

She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."

Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"

He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

One of my favorite blonde jokes

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

I saw a woman on a bike speed past me, and I thought, "Oh shit, that looks like mine."

I ran to my garage to check, but luckily mine was still locked up and begging for some water.

My dick always leaves women begging for more.

Having a tiny penis sucks.

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend.

Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

Well me and the wife have doggy sex every night.

I sit at the end of the bed panting and begging and she rolls over and plays dead

The Tale of the Fisherman and the... Shark

A fisherman pulls up a shark. The shark start begging for his life:
"If you release me back to sea, I'll grant you a wish!".

The fisherman who has heard the "The Tale of the Fisherman and the Gold Fish" starts laughing: "You are not even a goldfish... why should I trust you?"

The shark doesn't give up easily: "Try me, what have you got to lose ?!"
So the fisherman goes: "alright... I wish I had a penis that reached the floor."

The shark smiles with his big teeth and says: "Your wish is my command!"

And then he bites off the fisherman's legs....

I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset

But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.

Two men were lost in a desert...

Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.

The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.

Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.

As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.

The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.

The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"

The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."

A young priest begging his work at the church meets an unexpected issue

The people confess their sins to the priest and the priest tells how to repent, what prayers to say, etc. Fortunately for the young priest, the former one left a book with written on it the sins and the corresponding repentances to give to the sinners.

But one day a young woman comes in and confesses that she can't help herself but suck every man in town. She asks what to do to repent. The young priest has no answer for that on the book, so he goes to a chorus boy and asks him: "what did the former priest give for blowjobs?" The chorus boy replies "depends. Usually candy".

Got in a fight with my wife last night

Says one guy to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"

The Drunk and the Woman

A dirty, homless drunk wanders into a bar during the night. He sits down, and with the few dollars he made begging, buys himself a drink.

An hour or so later, a clearly intoxicated woman comes by and flirts with him. She whispers in his ear, "Hows a blowjob sound?"

The drunk punches her in the face, knocking her out. The bartender is stunned, and asks him what the reason for punching her was.

The drunk replies "I dunno, somethin about a job."

Funny Blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

You're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Yet another blonde joke....

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Don't make a sound...

3 men were exploring some deep jungles when they came across a cannibal tribe. The 3 men were taken to the cannibal chief. After some begging and pleading by the 3 men, the cannibal chief decides to show some mercy. He says "You 3 men go out into the jungle. You come back with 10pcs of fruit each. Then I will explain your next move." The first comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says: "You must get each piece and dive it up your ass. No sounds, no emotions or I kill you."
The man begins. After the 3rd apple, he screams. The chief immediately cuts of his head. The 2nd returns with 10 blueberries.
The chief responds: "You choose wisely. Now shove each piece up your ass. No moaning no emotion or I kill you."
The man proceeds. 7...8...9... then he starts busting up laughing.
The chief responds: "Now I have to kill you. But why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off."
The man replies, I'm sorry chief. I just saw my friend coming... He has 10 pineapples!!"

Tl;dr Never choose pineapples.

A man sees a small boy begging for money

He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks "what gave me away?"

The man responds "your parents"

Woman delivers baby.

Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging WHYYYY!!?? . Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead .

Superman is flying around, super horny.

He's flying over a building when he sees Batgirl on the roof, totally naked, legs spread, moaning, "Give it to me. Give it to me!"
Superman thinks he might get in trouble with Batman if he bangs Batgirl, but she's begging for it and he can just use his super speed to get the job done quick. So he does. He flys down to the roof and, super fast, humps the hell out of Batgirl. He's done in a few seconds and, wanting to avoid any confrontation, flys off just as fast.
Batgirl is shocked. "What the hell was that?!?!"
"I don't know but it hurt like hell", says the invisible man.

A young blonde woman is distraught...

because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

What does Christianity and blowjobs have in common?

You're on your knees begging a man to come again.

Shut up...you're next!

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

The Monks and the Merchant. A joke penned by Leonardo Da Vinci

Franciscan begging Friars are wont, at certain times, to keep fasts, when they do not eat meat in their convents. But on journeys, as they live on charity, they have license to eat whatever is set before them. Now a couple of these friars on their travels, stopped at an inn, in company with a certain merchant, and sat down with him at the same table, where, from the poverty of the inn, nothing was served to them but a small roast chicken. The merchant, seeing this to be but little even for himself, turned to the friars and said: "If my memory serves me, you do not eat any kind of flesh in your convents at this season." At these words the friars were compelled by their rule to admit, without cavil, that this was the truth; so the merchant had his wish, and eat the chicken and the friars did the best they could. After dinner the messmates departed, all three together, and after travelling some distance they came to a river of some width and depth. All three being on foot--the friars by reason of their poverty, and the other from avarice--it was necessary by the custom of company that one of the friars, being barefoot, should carry the merchant on his shoulders: so having given his wooden shoes into his keeping, he took up his man. But it so happened that when the friar had got to the middle of the river, he again remembered a rule of his order, and stopping short, he looked up, like Saint Christopher, to the burden on his back and said: "Tell me, have you any money about you?"--"You know I have", answered the other, "How do you suppose that a Merchant like me should go about otherwise?" "Alack!" cried the friar, "our rules forbid as to carry any money on our persons," and forthwith he dropped him into the water

So a guy goes to the restroom...

A gentlemen walks into the bathroom and notices a man struggling to piss.

He says "what's wrong bud?"

The guy turns around, pants still up and shows that he has no arms. He starts looking desperate and asks the man for a huge favor.

"I need you to hold my pecker while I piss. Pleeease, I'm begging you" he said

The guy looks confused but agrees and helps him. He notices something is wrong with the mans dick. After he's done helping the poor guy he stops and asks,

"What's wrong with your dick man?"

The guy looks at him, pulls his arms out of his shirt and says,

"I don't know, but I sure as hell don't wanna touch it!!"

My friend caught me typing "trans-midget anal animal porn" into Bing

I was really embarrassed, and after 10 minutes of me begging and pleading with him, he finally agreed not to tell anyone that he'd caught me using bing.

Just saw a kid riding a bike

Thought it was mine, I checked the garage and it's still there, locked up, safe and sound, begging for food.

I watched a man on the street begging for change.

After a few hours, he got up, walked to a quiet street and hopped into his Mercedes. I followed him. When we were in quiet place, I flashed him and he got out the car.

I said, "I saw what you were doing back there... taking advantage of innocent, naive people, stealing their hard-earned money."

He said, "Yes, and what the fuck made you follow me all this way?"

I said, "Well, would you like a job as a telemarketer?"

I saw a black guy riding a bike down the street

I thought it was mine, so I checked my garage and it was still chained up, begging for food.

Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

A girl with no arms or legs is lying on the beach, begging all the passing men to have sex with her.

Finally a man pauses for more than a second.

"Please! I'm 25 years old and I've never been fucked!"

The man considers the situation briefly, picks her up and throws her into the ocean.

From the choppy water, she screams her dismay, to which the man answers, "Now you're fucked!"

The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him.

"Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings"

To her surprise, the stalker returned the very next day with a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings as she requested. The woman responded with a task she thought her stalker could surely not accomplish.

"Before I have sex with you, I want you to buy me a brand new Porsche."

The woman was stunned as the man returned the next day in a brand new Porsche convertible . The woman quickly thought of an excuse to avoid having sex with the stranger.

"Im sorry but I can only have sex with someone who has a 12 inch penis." she explained.

The woman felt relieved as her stalker walked away. To her astonishment, the man returned half an hour later, weeping, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand, and his pants around his ankles with the remainder of his penis wrapped in bandages.

Two blondes with horses...

Two blonds who loved horse riding had been begging their parents to get them a horse each for a long time, and in the end the parents give in.

The two blonds wants to be able to distinguish which horse belongs to whom.
The first blonde says: "Let's cut off the tail off on one of the horses, that way we can tell the difference!"
They agree, and proceed to do so, however after a week the tail has grown back out, and they agree they need a more permanent solution.

The other blonde suggests: "Let's shave all the hair off one horse"
They do so, but they encounter the excact same problem that the hair grows back out really fast.

After a while of brainstorming one of the blondes says: "I guess we will have to sell one of them and get another"
The second blonde says: "Which one should we sell? The black or the white one?"

An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.

"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.

"Keep sending them!"

Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"

Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my testicles black?"

Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts. "Sir, it all looks fine!"

Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

My first blonde one..

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the colon. What we'll do is start by filling it up with an IV solution for a week and see how you do."

The man comes back a week later and 10 pounds lighter. He is delighted.

"Doc, this is great, but it's a little boring. There's no flavor or taste."

The doctor gives him an exam, and tells him, "Well, since this seems to be working OK, you can start on some soft foods, like bananas and oatmeal. Shove those up your ass when you're hungry and see how it goes."

A week later the man is back, 10 pounds lighter and delighted with the way he looks.

"Doc, this is working great. What do we do next?"

"Well, you seem to be adapting well to the diet. Eat whatever you want through your ass, celery, steak, whatever. Then let's see you back in 2 weeks."

Two weeks later the man is back, 20 pounds lighter, new clothes, and full of energy. He is literally bouncing up and down on his seat. The doctor says, "Wow, you look great, and full of energy. Is the bouncing some kind of exercise?"

"Nah," says the man, "just chewing some gum."

***best done with actions***

My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - One to arrest the light bulb for begging for change and other to beat the room because it's black.

A classic blonde joke

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!ya

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it

Smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.

Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYYYY!!??".

Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankles and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

Suicidal Blonde

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Why can't paraplegics cook Chinese food?

Because they can't "wok."

Note: May be cheesy and offensive, but I coined this joke when humor could be silly and irreverent, and y'all were begging for non-reposts.

A woman has just delivered her baby

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

Animal Crackers

A woman's daughter kept begging for a box of animal crackers at the grocery store. The mother finally caved in and bought them.

Later, at home, the mother saw her daughter meticulously going through all the crackers.

"What're you doing?" asked the mother.

"The box says not to eat if the seal is broken! So I'm trying to find the seal to make sure it's not broken."

What is a man's idea of foreplay?

Half an hour of begging...!

Cracking walnuts

A young boy says to his mother, "Mommy, why would Daddy crack walnuts and feed them to Mrs. Gilroy?" The mother responded, "That's silly, Ryan. Why would you even ask a question like that?" Ryan said, "Because I heard Daddy telling Uncle Eric that he busted a nut in Mrs. Gilroy's mouth and that she was begging for more."

Things they show on TV these days

I was watching TV when I saw a bunch of kids torturing a starving soul. All the kids had food and were running around spilling it everywhere and yet refusing to share it with the guy who was literally begging for food. He probably starving, maybe he even a had hungry wife and children to feed. And yet, these kids kept eating in front of him, taunting him "Silly rabbit trix are for kids". Fucking asshole kids.

Women love premature ejaculators...

they're always begging for more

What are the funniest begging jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Begging? Well, here are the best Begging puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Begging pick up lines to share with friends.

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