beer Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious beer puns

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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Asian guy walks into a bar

He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it's because you're drinking my fucking beer.

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Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

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An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

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A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

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My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can't pull anything out in time!

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I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

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An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.

"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

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So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

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A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers."

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

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I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I'm Chinese?

I said no, it's because you're drinking my beer.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

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Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

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A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

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A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar exam starts in one minute".

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Three logicians walk into a bar..

The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"

The first one replies,"I don't know"

The second one replies, "I don't know either"

The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"

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I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

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A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

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I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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A Chinese guy walks into a bar...

A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :


• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?


• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?


• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

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A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?"
"Tiny." The woman replies.
"Why tiny?" The barman inquires.
"Because he's my newt."

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the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

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What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

A man who didn't take it out in time.

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My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...

It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

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My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

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What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time

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A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

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My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.


"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have a......





....



.....


....



....


....





...beer." the bear says.

"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."

:)

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What are the most funny Beer jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Beer? Well, here are the best Beer dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Beer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes