JokoJokes

Beer Jokes

152 beer jokes and hilarious beer puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about beer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Whether you're celebrating Father's Day or just looking for some good laughs, these beer jokes are sure to put a smile on your face. From classic ditties like "Schlitz Happens" to one-liners involving brewmasters and barkeeps, these beer jokes prove that brews and good cheer go hand in hand.

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Funniest Beer Short Jokes

Short beer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The beer humour may include short brew jokes also.

  1. At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head... He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.
  2. Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.
  3. My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant... ...I can't pull anything out in time!
  4. Three logicians walk into a bar. The barkeeper asks: "Do you all want beer?"
    The first one answers: "I don't know."
    The second one answers: "I don't know."
    The third one answers: "Yes!"
  5. Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.
  6. I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.
  7. I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer. He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a blue Moon."
  8. What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common? A man who didn't take it out in time.
  9. What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. deer nuts are always under a buck...
    I'll see myself out now.
  10. A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

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Beer One Liners

Which beer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with beer? I can suggest the ones about wine and burger.

  1. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
  2. Bud light has always been trans... It's water that identifies as beer.
  3. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
  4. If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun.. I'd have toucans.
  5. Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
  6. I like my beer how I like my violence Domestic.
  7. How do you make a whale float? Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
  8. What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers? The designated driver.
  9. Do you ever put an orange in your beer? Once in a Blue Moon
  10. Why doesn't Jesus buy beer? Hebrews.
  11. How often should you put an orange slice in your beer? Once, in a Blue Moon.
  12. What did the German physicist call his beer mug? Ein stein.
  13. Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
    It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
  14. He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. A time traveler walks into a bar.
  15. What is an orphans favorite beer? Fosters

Beer Drinking Jokes

Here is a list of funny beer drinking jokes and even better beer drinking puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • TIL that black eyes are hereditary You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.
  • So Harambe walked into a bar Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
    Harambe: I'll have a beer
    Me: No, he'll have just ice.
    Bartender: Just ice?
    Me: Yes, justice for Harambe
  • My daughter asked why I drink so much beer I told her it's because I actually have a condition that's pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol.
  • Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
  • Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
  • How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two.
    If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
  • How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.
  • Beer has female hormones Whenever I am drinking I talk too much and can't drive a car.
  • How do you turn German beer into American Beer? Drink it

Beer Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny beer day jokes and even better beer day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Give a man a fish Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
    Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    Fish 24:7
  • I'm going to start brewing beer and name it after the first day of the week. Whenever a 24 or 30 pack is brought to a party they'll say, "Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays".
  • Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?
  • My day has been terrible. Friend: What's wrong?
    Me: My beer is frozen, my pizza is burnt, and my girlfriend is pregnant.
    Friend: You can't pull anything out on time, can you?
  • Back in my day, you could walk into a store with $25 and walk out with 2 ribeye steaks, a case of beer, a pack of toilet paper and a gallon of milk. You just can't do that anymore…. Too many cameras.
  • A friend once asked me "You've never said no to a beer have you?!" So I told him
    "By the time I start talking to my drinks I lose the ability to recall it the next day!"
  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll drink all your beer.
  • I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
  • Give a man a fish he eats for a day... Teach a man to fish, he sits out on the lake drinking beer all summer
  • I'm on the beer and whiskey diet Last week I lost three days.
Beer joke, I'm on the beer and whiskey diet

Give Me A Beer Jokes

Here is a list of funny give me a beer jokes and even better give me a beer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A skeleton walks into a bar... Bartender: What'll be?
    Skeleton: give me a beer and a mop.
  • Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people. 1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money.
    2. I'm going to buy beer with that money.
  • A man walks into a bar. He orders a root beer in a square glass.
    The bartender just gives him a beer and he doesn't notice.
  • Give a man a 6 pack of beer, he'll drink for a night Teach a man to 6 pack of beer, heffll drolmk frj s kide
  • Raising dogs A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender. "Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few pointers."
  • Give a man a beer, he'll hang for a while... ...Give a man a rope and he'll hang for the rest of his life.
  • A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers... The barman gives him five beers.
  • How do you open a bottle of beer? You don't. It should already be open by the time she gives it to you.
  • Another So Oldie It's Moldy joke Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
    Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  • A Roman man walks into a bar He sticks up 2 fingers and the bartender gives him 5 beers

Beer Bottle Jokes

Here is a list of funny beer bottle jokes and even better beer bottle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving. It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.
  • Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles? It happened to me once in a blue moon.
  • 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer on the wall, 2,147,483,647 bottles of beer. Take one down and pass it around Error: Int overflow
  • Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
  • BLONDE ALE Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
    A: They're both empty from the neck up.
  • My brother asked me why the bottle of beer he bought in the morning was half empty. I told him that it was because he was a pessimist.
  • What drink comes in a longneck bottle? Girraft Beer
  • How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to him.
  • It's funny how 8 glasses of water seems like a lot But 8 beers, two shots and a bottle of wine go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
  • What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer? A really good watch.
Beer joke, What do you get when you combine a watch and a bottle of beer?

Heartwarming Beer Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about beer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bread jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make beer pranks.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"


I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?
He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

A man come home from work one day...

... and asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one c**....
He asks his wife again "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.
Once more he asks his wife "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"
At that point the wife says "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"
The man replies: "aaaand it started."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

My favorite all-ages joke.

One day, a bear walks into a bar. He sits down at the counter, and the bartender comes over.
"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.
"I'll have a......
....
.....
....
....
....
...beer." the bear says.
"Alright, one beer for the bear. But I gotta ask, why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know," says the bear. "I was born with them."
:)

Three logicians walk into a bar..

The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"

Two r**... are having a beer together...

One r**... asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other r**... responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen

There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."

A code tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders ten beers. Orders 2.15 billion beers. Orders -1 beers. Orders a nothing. Orders a cat. Tries to leave without paying.

A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?"
"Tiny." The woman replies.
"Why tiny?" The barman inquires.
"Because he's my newt."

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.
I asked her "Do you know him?"
"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.
"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"
And that's when the fight started....

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says,"Sorry, we don't serve food here."

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One d**... who never pulls out in time

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

...the first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The bartender stops them and pours two full beers.
The infinite hoard is outraged and demands more, to which the bartender responds "C'mon, guys. Know your limits".

A Chinese guy walks into a bar...

A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :
• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?
• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?
• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.

"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer."
"Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And asks for a Beer.
The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string".
So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please".
The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave".
To which the piece of string replies: "No, I'm a frayed knot".

A panda walks into a bar...

And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'

Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did."

Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."

How do you make a human corpse float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?

You left it in too long.

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"
I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".

CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg.
CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken.
CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks.
CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice.
They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts

Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"

An infinite number of people walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

If your u**... looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated.

But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

How do you stop a m**... from drinking all the beer at your party?

Invite a second m**....

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before da horse!

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a c**... are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
c**...: Hahaha... (c**... walks off laughing)

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.

The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.
"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".
"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"
The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.
"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.
The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."
The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"
The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A s**... woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."
The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.

But I don't think that anything would make my Budweiser.

A man walks in a bar and shouts free beers outside! So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man what the h**... did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!
The man says Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:
\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...
The small man:
\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank account is empty, my house is empty! I even got fired from my job. I didn't want to live anymore, so i tried to kill myself. I lay down on the rails - they changed the train route! i tried to hang myself - the rope broke! I tried to shoot myself - the gun broke! And now, i'm buying a beer with my last money, i'm pouring poison inside and you're drinking it!

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
 
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.

As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
"Wait!" says the bartender. "You drank so much beer. Wouldn't it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?"
"Not for me," says the pig. "I'm the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

A software tester walks into a bar

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.
First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.
The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"
The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"
The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.

How I lost my Teeth

I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this b**... ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday!.

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

Pick a super power

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and starts chatting the bartender up. "If you could have any superpower which one would you want?" he asks the bartender. "Cold war Russia, I guess," the bartender replies.

But is it m**...?

A h**... detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a m**...?" "Well you can't be sure that's a m**...," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.

Democrats are sexier than Republicans

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.

A neutron enters a bar

Neutron: "How much for a beer"
Bartender: "Oh it's free. No charge for you."

Beer joke, A neutron enters a bar

jokes about beer